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kateindenver's Journals

Journal Entries for kateindenver:
6/25/2010 2:38:39 PM
BREAKING A SUBMISSIVE  
Breaking is a term often heard within the BDSM community. The interpretation of what breaking means varies. In this area it is most often aligned with the 'breaking' of a horse or animal. Based on this interpretation the 'spirit' of the individual is being 'broken'. Some people like to consider it that point where the 'will' gives way to a superior force. The actual breaking of an individual's spirit is the last thing that a competent, healthy Dominant or submissive wishes to occur. The breaking of a 'spirit' removes the positive mental health of the individual. This would be similar to involuntary imprisonment such as during a war in a POW camp. It represents a desire to 'break down' the fundamental building blocks of the individuals psyche until they can no longer defend themselves from external invasion. The vanquishment of hope, self-respect and motivation to continue.  
Sometimes a submissive believes that they need to be 'forced', 'conquered', or 'overcome' in order to maintain a level of self respect in submitting to another human being. It is a way they justify their need. This belief is erroneous and generally indicates an individual who has not openly embraced their needs or their self. It is also a way of avoiding self responsibility and imposing responsibility for your submissive conduct and responses onto your Dominant.  
Many submissives approach Dominants asking to be 'broken'. Based on the wide range of what this term means the Dominant is often confronted with conflicting thoughts as to what exactly the submissive is asking of them. A Dominant does not break a submissive. A submissive is not to be forced beyond their mental and physical limits. Such force is abuse!  
Many submissives interpret 'breaking' to be a Dominant overwhelming their desire to resist thereby 'forcing' them into obedience. Again, this is based on a flawed understanding of the dynamics at work here. A submissive overcomes their own desires to resist. Control is exercised from within. To some extent the Dominant presents the submissive with increasingly difficult mental and physical tasks to perform. The submissive by 'agreement' endeavors to perform these tasks as issued.  
A Dominant directs action and resists the ability or desire of the submissive to manipulate them. The submissive either follows direction or they do not. Based on the negotiated agreements of the relationship structure the Dominant and the submissive then engage in actions in response to actions or failure. However, it is crucial to remember that the submissive is completely responsible for their actions. The desire to obey or disobey is a voluntary process. Some relationships flourish with 'tiny wars' between the Dominant and submissive. Or, ongoing subtle insurrection. Others require a stronger demonstration. Many Dominants find a 'level of resistance' exciting and challenging in their submissive. Others desire a submissive capable of total self control.  
A person expressing an ability or desire to 'break' another human being should be avoided by a submissive. That person is not a Dominant with a vested interest in the overall mental and physical health of a submissive. Such a desire demonstrates personal issues and problems which may be severe and could place a submissive in a situation of grave risk to them. BREAKING A SUBMISSIVE Breaking is a term often heard within the BDSM community. The interpret

6/23/2010 1:23:45 PM
This is one of those times i truly feel sorry for those who never have known D/s. my Master and i played at the club last night and there is nothing better on this earth then the bond and trust between Dom and sub. just to think that i totally surrender my body mind and soul to Him. It is just not the play but the feeling of having my Master behind me giving me his dominance and i in front giving my submission. i wear his marks proudly. i just wish more could find this kind of connections. i am 63 years old and hope i can go on for another 20 years lol  
kateThis is one of those times i truly feel sorry for those who never have known D/s. my Master an

6/20/2010 11:46:32 AM
i am one of lucky ones as i have a Master who knows me inside and out.  
We have known each other for 4 years and out. i can make suggestions and he never considers it topping from the bottom. we talk for hours on the phone. i am looking forward to this weekend as we are going to play at the club. i am really one of the lucky ones  
katei am one of lucky ones as i have a Master who knows me inside and out. We have known each oth

6/17/2010 4:18:26 AM
For new Doms. here is something i read  
 
Canes have a deserved reputation as The Victorian Terror Weapon. To most submissives, they mean severe punishment; to sensation-seeking S/M bottoms, overload. If we have care and patience, however, canes can be used in a loving and sensuous way. The very stiffness of a good cane, that makes a hard stroke so intense, allows the lightest taps to be given with perfect control. And a light cane stroke is easy to aim, unlike a flexible whip that sags and flops at low power. In the kind of sensuous play I'm describing here, light strokes are far more prthat warm, accepting state of trust) at just the time when you should be building it up. Their hindbrain will take charge, and its ancient survival reflexes will start screaming 'We're taking damage! Get us the hell out of here!' A good bottom wants the scene to go well, and will be working to control panic and nervousness. For this particular style of scene, the top must build the intensity so smoothly that the bottom is supported rather than challenged in their efforts to stay centered and accepting.  
 
Of course, some people warm up much faster than others. 'Smooth' is one thing; boring is quite another. In initial negotiations, I mention this, and if we are using the 'traffic light' safewords I point out that 'green' is also a color, and that they can always call for a speedup if they want one.  
 
As we begin, I like to promise that I will escalate the intensity very gradually - something like 'no stroke will be more than a third harder than I've already given you'. This helps them relax. You need to keep this promise, too; surprises will tense them up for a long while afterwards. Resist the temptation to tease them or fake them out, for the same reason.  
 
I often begin with an ordinary massage. I explore the muscles of the back, buttocks, and legs, checking for tense spots and taking whatever time is needed to relax them and establish an expectation of pleasure from my touch. Massage is itself an endorphin releaser, and very non-threatening. When a bottom is new to this technique, their delighted surprise can relax them, build a lot of trust early on, and give them confidence that there are rewards to be had in exploring with you.  
 
After achieving relaxation of any tense spots, do a little fingertip percussion on the muscled areas of the bottom's body. (Fingertip percussion is what a pianist does to strike several close keys all at once.) The fingers of one or both hands are crooked, and struck down in to the target area. Work the upper back, to either side of the spine, this way for a while. Do the same to the lower part of the buttocks, and down the backs of the legs. This sort of sensation is a perfect bridge between massage and flagellation; it's especially good for introducing beginners.  
 
Now begin with the cane, tapping very lightly over the areas that had the percussion warmup. Don't tap any bony areas; this is a good time to develop the habit of avoiding them. Use the cane tip to reach areas that have bone close alongside. The blows should have less force than your fingertips did; the cane is hard and stingy, and the idea is to introduce the cane without breaking the relaxed and trusting glow of your warmup. Along with ordinary light taps, mix in a few that are feather-light; with practice you can deliver a flutter as light as the landing of a flock of butterflies. This is a wonderful contrast to harder strokes; as endorphins build up such a light flutter will often bring on a fit of giggles.  
For new Doms. here is something i read Canes have a deserved reputation as The Victorian Te

6/17/2010 4:11:47 AM
BDSM Tips for Beginners  
 
BDSM is one of several overall names given to a collection of behaviors that involve bondage, spanking, domination, and other activities that are done in a safe, consensual, non-abusive manner and in an erotic context. BDSM is a form of erotic play that involves significant physical and emotional risks, and thus requires instruction in order to do so with reasonable safety. Accordingly, we make the following recommendations for beginners. Please understand that the tips below do not provide, nor are they meant to provide, complete instruction.  
1. Do BDSM only with people you know well and are on good terms with, and when both of you are in a good mood. Trying to do it with strangers, or when either of you is tired or upset, dramatically increases the degree of risk. Avoid significant use of intoxicants. If you're not in condition to drive, you're not in condition to do BDSM.  
2. Keep 'reality' out of it. Unless both of you specifically agree to it ahead of time, BDSM play is not a proper occasion to 'punish' someone for a 'real world' offense. Unpaid parking tickets, dirty dishes left in the sink, and so forth get handled outside the BDSM play.  
3. The more empathy you have, the better you'll be at this. If you reasonably and safely can, experience something yourself before you do it to another person.  
 
 
4. Prepare for emergencies. Have needed supplies close by, including a first aid kit, a fire extinguisher, and flashlights. Take training in First Aid and CPR at least once a year.  
5. Play with a 'silent alarm' in place. When you play with somebody new in private, tell a trusted friend where you'll be and who you'll be with. Make sure, diplomatically, that you tell your prospective partner ahead of time that you will be doing this, and encourage him or her to do the same.  
6. Negotiate what you'll do ahead of time. This is not the time to have a mismatch of expectations. Handle such matters as sexual behavior, safer sex precautions, type and degree of bondage, physical and emotional limits, and so forth before you play. Stay within these limits while you play. If your session goes well, there's always next time. Check in with each other afterwards, perhaps the next day. Discuss what did and what didn't work, and what you might do next time.  
7. Agree upon a safeword or two. These are special phrases used to indicate that the activity 'really' needs to be slowed, changed, or stopped. Refusal to honor a safeword is very serious misconduct; it can even be a crime.  
8. It's a good idea for the dominant to 'check in' with the submissive several times during the session. (Sometimes submissives find it difficult to use their safewords, even when they should.) One good non-verbal check-in is for the dominant to give the submissive's hand two light but firm squeezes. If the dominant gets two squeezes back, it means that the submissive is basically all right.  
9. Avoid toys that have sharp edges or corners. Instruments used for spanking, whipping, and so forth should be carefully rounded off.  
10. Start lightly and build slowly. A too-rapid increase in the physical or emotional intensity of the play is the direct cause of many problems.  
11. The submissive can use the 'one to ten' technique to indicate they're ready to feel a paddle or whip stroke, and its intensity. 'One' is a feather-light touch; 'ten' is a full-power stroke.  
12. As a rule, strokes from whips and paddles are delivered to fleshy, muscled body areas such as the lower buttocks and the 'lower half of the upper half' of the back. It's very dangerous to strike your partner over their kidneys, liver, spleen, or tailbone.  
13. Use only soft, plain paraffin candles for hot wax play. Harder candles, such as beeswax candles, have a melting point high enough to cause burns.  
14. Spring-loaded wooden clothespins can work well as erotic clamps on the nipples, the genitals, and other locations. Various clamps found in office supply stores can also work well. Keep in mind that clamping an area shuts off its circulation. Experts vary regarding how long clamps can be left on, but most express their opinions in terms of minutes. Clamps hurt most when coming off. Self-experimentation is recommended here.  
15. Do not attempt to do piercings or other activities that involve breaking the skin unless you have studied under, or are being supervised by, an knowledgeable individual.  
16. Bondage creates dangerous vulnerability. We recommend that you let someone tie you up, blindfold you, or gag you only after you have first done at least two successful BDSM scenes with them that involved no bondage.  
17. There is never any need to tie some part of your partner's body so tightly that it 'goes to sleep.' If this happens, loosen the bondage.  
18. Do not leave a bound person alone. As a general rule, stay as close to a bound person as you would to an infant left in your care. (If you gag them, stay even closer.)  
19. Another general rule is that you should be able to free a bound person within one minute of an emergency occurs, even if they have fainted. Wise BDSM players keep special 'paramedic scissors' or similar items handy to help with this.  
20. We advise caution when playing with any form of self-bondage. See point # 18 above.  
BDSM Tips for Beginners BDSM is one of several overall names given to a collection of behav

6/17/2010 2:30:20 AM
'Good' Submissive  
Good - better - best - favorable - bountiful - fertile - handsome - attractive - suitable - fit - profitable - advantageous - pleasant - agreeable - salutary - wholesome - amusing - clever - considerable - ample - full - well-founded - cogent - real - actualized...  
Sufficient to understand why when the word is used no one quite knows exactly what is meant. What is a good submissive? Is it any or all of the things above, even when those things seem contradictory? Why do we feel the need to clarify or narrowly identify this special condition?  
Subjective ~ of, relating to, or constituting a subject or characteristic of one that is subject especially in lack of freedom of action or in submissiveness.  
We say that good is subjective or based on the individual or independent perspective of the individual rendering an or through 'training') 'learn' how to be a submissive and that the nature of what motivates, empowers and sustains a submissive can be somehow transmitted through lessons suggests a gross misunderstanding of what submission truly is.  
Emergence is not a process of 'becoming' but a process of spiritual birth. The submissive exists at the core of the being. They are. They exist. At some point the submissive begins tearing down the walls of their 'shell' or 'egg' to reveal or give birth to themselves in their natural form. Many things can act to aid the submissive in this process of emergent birth through tools of understanding, new pathways of thought and the support of others who have emerged before them in words of encouragement and embracement. But, the actual shape or design of the individual cannot be molded at actualization. If this were true it would mean that again the submissive can be 'created' from something that it isn't.  
Emergence is not the action of molding, training, modeling or shaping of some indistinct mass but instead the simple straight forward casting off of the ill-fitting expectations and assumptions of those surrounding them, the removal of things which no longer work for the individual but have been outgrown and need to be discarded or removed. Revealment of the core requires that the individual face and confront at every juncture those things which have produced and maintained the shell inside of which they have hidden from view. These things are personal fears of the judgment of others, shame in the inner belief of the purity of the self, guilt in the inability to truthfully adhere to the desires and needs of others expectations of them and finally pain.  
This is a removal of the tools used to control the individual. The tools used to keep the individual within the shell, in hiding. Weak! True voluntary submission at it's pinnacle occurs when the individual is no longer controllable. At a moment when the submissive is clean and free of all of the debris of their lives, no longer needing anything to be who they are. In that moment when they are free of all controls, needs, desires, wishes, wants and expectations their offering of service unto their personal belief is cleansed.  
A cleansed submissive is an indomitable force. Invulnerable to the temptations and manipulations of the world and others around them. An offering of this purity of being, this force within is without any question the greatest gift that can ever be offered from one human being to another.  
A Dominant can train a monkey to bob and weave and run around for treats. If this realm were merely about the offering of the body for the entertainment or sustenance of the illusion of submission then any actor could fill the role and play the game. After all, treats are cheap.  
But this isn't about the simple offering of the body, or the offering of easy things. Is it?  
'Good' Submissive Good - better - best - favorable - bountiful - fertile - handsome - attract

6/14/2010 3:30:23 PM
Punishment  
i saw this wnd thought i wiuld pass it on  
kate  
 
'Punishment is a serious step,  
by its very nature it is NOT friendly. '  
 
 
 
For me, believe it or not - punishment is not a major factor of the BDSM lifestyle. Lets take a look at 'why' it is not. For starters, punishment comes about from what - disobeying or nor following rules; by not following the expectations of the Dominant; willful disrespect. As some of you know I live by the philosophy of building a submissive up - not tearing them down. I totally disagree with 101 rules for your submissive, until such a time she can feasibly FOLLOW 101 rules. I tend to state only a couple of rules at the beginning of a relationship and get the submissive following these rules. Once she has gotten these rules down I add a couple more. The object is to NOT set the submissive up for failure. Giving a submissive a 101 rules is setting them up for failure and in my opinion tearing them down instead of building them up. As far as expectations go, if you and your submissive aren't 100% sure of them - get there.  
 
 
So what happens when a submissive meets one of the criteria of punishment? The punishment will be memorable. As my submissive will tell you, she has had to endure very few punishments in the 2 1/2 years we have been together - and they were ALL memorable.  
 
Breaking rules to me happens very rarely and when you have few rules they happen due to bad hair days (not that I consider this an excuse - only an explanation) or just general inattentiveness. I tend to use lecture and corner time or if in the evenings sleeping at my feet. Not meeting expectations results in some corporal punishment - 99% of the time with paddles as this is melly's hateful toy. Willful disrespect... Now this to me is the cause of the greatest punishments.  
 
Fortunately for melly and I, this has only happened once and the result was the temporary loss of her online use of my collar. As she would point out, it was a very embarrassing time for her as we know many of our r/l friends who come online to chat with us. Punishments, in my opinion, need to be severe - they also need to apply to only the few things that would get the submissive in major trouble. Otherwise it is discipline the submissive should receive - those attention getters us Dominants know how to use so well.  
 
 
Punishment is a serious step, because by its nature it is NOT friendly. It is NOT nice. And despite those times you see subs online begging for punishment - is most definitely NOT fun. I actually red flag submissives who 'yearn' constant punishment - I understand 'why', but heavy scening or a scene meant to give the submissive tearful release in my opinion is so much better a release - and more caring and loving. I also red flag those Dominants who at the slightest wrong move feel they have to 'punish' a submissive. That’s not our place in the world in my opinion - our place is to build up and how do you build up someone who is constantly being punished? One should use the attention grabbers - the hard swat, the few minutes in a corner, the 'look' in these times. And subs? Let's be smart about this - especially you women - you KNOW when you are pushing a man's or a Dominant's buttons - let's just NOT go there. There are other ways of getting what you want than by setting yourself up for failure. Men - same thing. Dominants know how to push the submissive's buttons as well. Lets not - this again sets them up for failure.  
 
Now I know many of you will have disagreed with some of my assessments and to head this wrong message off - was written from a male Dom/fem sub point of view, though I believe that it can be held equally well with FemDom/male sub points of view as well. Anyways this has been my opinion and I hope some of you may have even learned a nugget or two from it.Punishment i saw this wnd thought i wiuld pass it on kate 'Punishment is a serious step,

6/14/2010 9:46:08 AM
SomDominance  
 
'We are the Keeper of her Hope... the Bearer of her Trust..  
and the Guardian of her Commitment'  
 
 
 
True Domination is a subtle thing. It quietly transcends force and walks silently through the forests of inequity. True Domination encourages desire and thus....produces the Smile of Wisdom.  
 
Dominants are not created, We are born... born with a key that fits  
the secret slot in the hearts of all submissives... a key which provides access to the needs of their hearts, bodies, and souls and a key  
which opens the Gateway to Understanding their innermost, and often buried desires.  
 
True Domination is recognizing the Responsibilty and Honor to accept the submissives belief in Us.  
 
Dominants receive Our courage and direction from the strengths submissives' provide, dispersing all doubts through her belief in Us and her recognition of Our ability to lead and guide her without reservation or fear.  
 
Dominants find Our energy through Our submissives' needs.. through her desires.. which in turn gives purpose to Our efforts. A true Dominant feels what Our submissive feels. We cry when she cries.... We laugh when she laughs and are pleasured by her pleasure.  
 
True Dominants listen as Our submissive speaks..... We learn from her. Her words must be reflected in Our actions.. Our expertice is gained over time.. her satisfaction guaranteed by Our patience .  
 
We are the Keeper of her Hope... the Bearer of her Trust.. and the Guardian of her Commitment. Together with Our love We live life to the fullest extent possible.  
 
Computers make it very easy for aspiring Dominants to dominate someone from a distance. It is so simple in fact, that many have learned that by acting the part, playing the role, speaking the speak and walking the walk, they can give the aura of Domination without the resulting Responsibilities. This is especially true of 'on-line Dominants'. We often find that this acting is the beginning of the end and many have fallen tragically in this medium. Many have discovered that even if not genuinely Dominant they can put on an 'act' in this arena and thus have as many, no-strings-attached, cyber-slaves as  
they like.  
 
The problem surfaces when these 'dominants' begin, as they often do, to believe their own silly propaganda and nonsense. They begin to consider themselves to be 'superdoms', despite the fact that they have no experience in controlling anyone in real life, including themselves.  
 
Domination is not what We do, it is what We are....  
 
We are not created on line or over the telephone. In the face of testimonials to the contrary, Domination is not a learned trait. You either ARE Dominant... and ALWAYS have been.. or you ARE NOT.  
It's that simple.  
 
Although many Dominants, like submissives have repressed their nature for many years, when it is awakened We know.. We feel it.. it is real. We realize that Domination is not about sex, control or bullying women around. It is a subtle inner feeling of emotion. One which elicits a special response from those who recognize the aura.  
 
Dominants see their own weaknesses and work towards creating a stronger inner self...one which can be shared with the submissive without concern of reprisal or retribution.  
 
Over a period of many years Dominance matures and blooms, in much the same way that submissive natures do. Understanding, Trust, Devotion, Commitment and Time, not words, mold a Dominant. Domination is much like the graceful bending of flowers in the wind. It requires a flexibilty to succeed. Dominants who will not bend with the needs, desires and fears of Our submissive partners will wake one morning to find Himself cold, alone and broken, left to wilt in a haze of confusion, a victim of Our own misunderstanding, distrust, lack of commitment and impatience.  
 
We are seeing a change in our lifestyle. It is slow and subtle much like We are. The 'Kneel Bitch' attitude of yesterday, is giving way to an overt Loving Dominant. One who professes caring and commitment in a new and different manner. One who acknowleges His needs as well as hers. One who breathes as she does and who walks beside her, her pathfinder and guide, mentor, protector, lover and friend.  
 
Dominants must observe our submissives' through the glass of Our knowlege. We must see her in perfect detail. It is this detail which will allow Us to love her without distortion. And through Our love, return to her the fulfillment We find in her precious company.  
 
The current prevailing philosophy is that long term open relationships in D/s appears to be emerging en masse in a manner not unlike the sexual revolution of the 1960's and 1970's. The closet kings and queens of our lifestyle are wearing business suits and uniforms over their leather thongs and boxers, often engaging in D/s activities and public functions as well as participating in open and honest discussions regarding Dominance and submission, absent the terror or stigma of being labeled 'kinky' or 'perverse'. It would not be surprising at all when in the very near future our lifestlye is as accepted by society as a whole as readily palatable as is lesbian and gay love.  
ething read and wanted to share.SomDominance 'We are the Keeper of her Hope... the Bearer of her Trust.. and the Guardian

6/14/2010 9:39:11 AM
i8 read this and thought it might help someone who questions this question of equality.  
 
 
Understanding Equality  
 
'It is this wanting/needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal'  
 
 
 
It never ceases to amaze me those who look down on someone for their particular bent in the lifestyle (Top or bottom) or feel that Dominant equals better and submissive equals lesser. Now not many people admit to these feelings, after all it wouldn’t be politically correct and let’s all admit and take a deep breath of reality, even though our chosen lifestyle is not politically correct to the mundane world, we have our own sense of political correctness within the lifestyle. Yet though some may not admit openly about this particular philosophy they show it in their mannerisms, their looks and even at times in their comments (outside those made in obvious jest). You, the reader may be one of them and I would especially encourage you to read this. If you’re not one of them still read on, perhaps you know someone who should read this article or at least are told the highlights of it.  
 
Dominants and submissives are equals. Period. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Just because I am the Dominant partner and the one in charge does not dismiss the fact that my submissive is on equal footing with me. It’s a matter of relationship. However you call the bond between a Dominant and a submissive, there exists a very real and breathing relationship between two people. And in the D/s relationship it takes two types of people to make a D/s relationship work correctly, a Dominant and a submissive.  
 
It does go beyond just needing a Dominant and a submissive in a D/s relationship to make equals. Each person in whatever type of relationship you have with anyone you are involved with has a set of expectations, a set of rules and a set of priorities we recognize about each other. The D/s relationship is no different. Now I have heard the argument, “I am the Dom, so I set the rules, the expectations and the priorities”. Well good for you, don’t all of us Doms do that? Yes, but only the foolish don’t realize we can only set these rules and expectations and priorities to a partner who as an equal has her own set of rules, expectations and priorities she needs. As much as a Dominant expects a submissive to follow their concepts of rules, expectations and priorities, a Dominant must be willing to do likewise for a submissive. Both partners need something within a relationship. Yes a submissive wants to have rules and sets of priorities and expectations set for them, but they also have some needs of their own that a Dominant needs to fill. Before we go stroking our egos thinking, “yeah they need us”, let us not forget we want/need them as much as they do us.  
 
It is this wanting/needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal. It is the very fact that it takes a Dominant partner and a submissive partner to make a D/s relationship to work, that makes Dominants and submissives equal.  
 
To both Dominants and submissives a piece of advice: want your partner to make you happy and do all that they can to nurture you? Do the same back. Dominants lets face some facts, we want a submissive to be in control, to be the one who is looked up to and adored, to be served and taken care of like WE demand to be taken cared of. What makes us more special than our own submissives that we can’t do the same back and treat them in a manner which lifts them up and makes them feel as special as they make us feel? And the liner of “she adores sucking my cock” is bullshit. While SOME exceptions will be out there, women do NOT like the taste of semen as a steady diet and have other things on their mind than sucking your dick all the time.  
 
This does not mean let them stop swallowing or sucking of course. It means recognize that what THEY want/need will most likely be different than what you want. This isn’t to say they have no interest or even desire to please you and your wants/needs but they also need the same care they show us. Some of you may be sitting and reading this and wondering, well how do I show the same care they show us? Find out from your submissive. Take time to actually ask what they want to do once in awhile, or better yet get to know your partner so well that you don’t have to ask, you can just do.  
 
A submissive who is treated as an equal instead of a lesser being is more apt to be more self-assured, better able to handle situations when you are not there to handle them and will take little if any shit from others when you’re not around. Now some of you may be sitting there thinking that is not how a submissive should be. I argue that your primary role as a Dominant is to be able to release your submissive into the world stronger and better off than before she knew you and able to do it ALONE. After all, no relationship lasts forever, even if it is death to us part. Make sure your submissive can handle being on her own if and when the time ever comes. You can start by making sure you’re equals. i8 read this and thought it might help someone who questions this question of equality. U

6/14/2010 7:45:15 AM
Thoughts on Submission  
 
'It is steady, flows evenly and like a waterfall  
its source is often a mystery...'  
 
 
 
Submission... the word alone conjures up its very definition. It defies imagination and instills a warmth within, a warmth in which too few find comfort. Submission, warmth prepared to embrace ~ A solace waiting... Submission.  
 
Perhaps in order to find understanding of submission we must first explore what it is not. Submission is not a weakness, not a character flaw. Submission is not not involuntary servitude, nor is it a representation of a stature or place in society. Submission is not about being a doormat, nor about being a lesser person. Submission is none of these things.  
 
my understanding, the way I perceive submission, is based on painstaking research, both within myself, and through many conversations with Master as well as others who have voluntarily chosen this way of living. It is based on an active real time lifestyle and resides upon a foundation of devotion, pure honesty,  
and love. It is based on living a long life, and having had the opportunity to taste life's various flavors which have been offered to me. It is based on my decisions regarding what works for my Master and I, and how our embrace of D/s impacts me personally across all quadrants of My being.  
 
I have come to believe that submission is an emotion, an inner feeling, a hunger satiated only by Dominance offered in love and commitment  
 
Many call submission a gift in the context that submission is given to one who is deserving of its receipt. Indeed, submission is a gift. The gift of submission is a gift of one's self, the inner essence of being, a complete and uncompromised emotional release flowing from the original possessor to the committed recipient. An emotion. A release. An offering. A tithing of pleasure passed from the living soul of one to the heart of another. Submission is warm, submission is soft, submission has no mass, has no weight and cannot be quantified, it can only be felt... just like an emotion.  
 
Submission is like a waterfall. It is steady, flows evenly and like a waterfall its source is often a mystery much maligned by society and misinterpreted by many.  
 
Submission is metaphoric. It is the light in darkness, the whisper of a snowflake on your shoulder, the graceful way of flowers in the wind, the scent of autumn amidst the towering trees in a pine forest. Submission creeps up and wraps itself around you. It has a life of its own... just like an emotion.  
 
Leaving that which I do touch a better place. This is my wish at least. My offering of thanks for this gift I have received and cherish.  
 
Submission ... without it in my life, I am nothing ... with it, I am everything.  
 
Always in submission and Forever with Love  
Thoughts on Submission 'It is steady, flows evenly and like a waterfall its source is of

6/13/2010 6:42:52 PM
My Master wants to collar me soon. i have never been collared and i am so happy He wants to do thatMy Master wants to collar me soon. i have never been collared and i am so happy He wants to do

6/13/2010 3:11:12 PM
Choice  
 
'...It is not Choice which causes concern,  
but the effect of choice on our lives...'  
 
 
 
Friends...  
 
With cyber pen in hand I am thinking about choice tonight ~  
choice and victory.  
 
We have the unique, distinct ability to choose as adults. Choice is sacred, precious. We have the ability to consider those things we enjoy and the choice to partake in them as we please. We have choice in all things - our work, our play, our friends and those whom we have yet to understand. We have choice.  
 
I wonder at the simplicity of the word choice. Yet the complexity of the act bewilders Me to the extent that I often find Myself contemplating why making choices are so difficult at times. I imagine it has something to do with Change, for Choice often involves her cousin Change.  
 
I believe it is not Choice which causes concern, but the effect of choice on our lives. It is the effect of choice that we fear, not making the decision. The fear of Change and all that it represents makes us ponder Choice. Therefore, it is Fear that must be repressed when making a choice, fear of change and the reaction to the change that without doubt will soon follow. It is here that we emerge Victorious.  
 
I believe it takes courage to face change, courage to embrace the ability to choose, courage to face fear and to unveil it for what it really is resistance to change. Courage to be Victorious... Courage.  
 
Resistance to change is an ingrained human trait. Flexibility in the face of change often strengthens the primeval instincts in us. To fight or flee choice is to bind our souls to a predetermined existence. To remain flexible is to allow growth, from which understanding emerges in victory.  
 
Aristotle once said that the 'most difficult victory is that victory over ones self'. I find this most true.  
 
The growth experienced this year ~ the changes faced and overcome ~ the victories over fear ~ the victories over Myself. These represent the total eclipse of My life.  
 
There can be no other way for Me...  
 
Thank you all for being a wonderful part of My choice and for joining Me in victory ~ in My Peace.  
Choice '...It is not Choice which causes concern, but the effect of choice on our lives..

6/13/2010 3:09:43 PM
BORN AGAIN ~  
 
Over the past several years I have become more and more interested in answering this particular question. There are several surface answers which appear valid yet fail to address what I feel inside to be the fuller truth. It can be shown that the advent of the Internet has reverberated as a 'burst' or explosion of interest in the S/m community although this is most often vocalized under the auspices of Domination and submission rather than BDSM. I do not see this 'burst' of interest as limited to exploration of S/m but see evidence that this 'burst' has occurred across many fields of study and interest, so to that extent this appears to fall within the normal range of experience as information simply became more readily available to people (at large) as the Information Super Highway opened up. Some people speculate that the Internet has served to 'create' this interest and that as fast as it arrived it will dissipate. This concept is based on the idea that the 'need' for knowledge and information will become glutted, finally sating the individual wherein they will revert to their 'normal' framework and begin to distance themselves from the 'playground'. This does appear to be a reasonable concept as many of the people who initially were 'captivated' by the mystery of BDSM have since pulled back to live their lives in almost the same manner as they did prior to exploring BDSM. This also appears to be consistent with the exploration of other curiosities made accessible or cyberly interactive via this media. The most visible of these would be the explosion in UFO, alternative and conspiracy materials and websites. However, since each of these is a different arena I have hesitated to sweep all into the same box and label it 'Internet Phenomenon'.  
 
Taken separately D/s, S/m, BDSM deal with interpersonal relationships on the most intimate levels. Unlike an interest in a particular 'idea' such as the existence of aliens, involvement in S/m includes interaction involving the activities in a persons real life existence, thereby taking this 'interest' out of the little white box safety of the Internet or outside of a mental debate and places it inside the intimate physical, emotional, mental and spiritual relationships of the individual.  
 
So, although there are similarities, these are not sufficient to explain what is happening.  
 
At the moment I am in the process of collecting historical data on 'emergence' based on those people who 'found themselves' prior to the existence of the Internet as a factor. Based purely on my limited personal experience I have noted the existence of people younger than 35-40 (including myself and my late husband) within the community before that point, however, in my personal recollection I still remember a predominance of 'mid-life' people who were a statistically higher number in comparison to youthful 'active' and senior 'active'. This on the surface would appear to 'echo' the current phenomenon regardless of the intervention of the Internet.  
 
Recently I received part of the UNICEF survey related to birth control world wide. This study appears to have been oriented primarily at women with some surprising findings. Those women given a 'freedom' to partake of birth control appear to have elected to do so, with the birth rate falling (not really surprising to me) This reduction in child birth or dependency if coupled to an opportunity for the woman to further her potential independent earnings (such as through education) reflected a choice by the woman to limit reproduction to a single child or two children. In addition these women elected to have a child later in life when their independent finances were more established. Further it was noted that given this expansion of choices that a majority of the women selected one mate to have children with. Then moved to select a different mate during mid-life (to share interests with) and further to select a third mate to (age with). These separations of 'childbearing age', 'mid-life age' and 'old-age' were surprising given the preexistence of 'norm' being a single mate throughout a woman's life, this being offered historically as the 'preferred woman's choice'. The survey further explored how the number of children produced appeared to alter or destroy this choice process. If more than two children were created then the woman was much more likely to stay with originator mate. If 4 or more children were created then the likelihood of remaining with the 'originator mate' increased to 97%. (Please refer to UNICEF for the actual statistical numbers).  
 
Although the material I reviewed did not contain the same type of survey of men I have since reading that material inquired of men who I know who are mid-life to old-age and asked them of their feelings on this 'pattern'. Most of the men I spoke with appeared to feel a 'kinship' to the three mate lifetime concept, versus the 'single mate norm'. As I do not have any statistical data on this I cannot offer this as anything more than initial or anecdotal.  
 
To some extent I believe that 'child bearing years' contain a type of setting in the mind that compels the individual into a pattern of 'conformity to standard', which may be a control tool (control of reproduction - control the population). This inhibition or setting appears to become inactive when the individual exits prime child bearing years. As this inhibition fades the individual appears to reclaim interests which existed prior to 'child bearing' and return to explorations that had lain relatively dormant during those years. Some might choose to believe that this is a natural outgrown of 'maturing' but I do not believe that this is entirely so, in my experience if a person who has reached this point 'becomes' 'child bearing active' again then they will 'revert' to the same blockaded position, or seek to perform to community standard once more (or at least to some degree). Those who 'emerge' prior to the full growth of their children tend to express deep conflictive feelings or the sense of being torn between 'standard' and this further 'need' to seek out their personal 'truth'. It is of interest that many people feel their 'young life' to have been incomplete in many crucial ways. The choice to live in a state of unfulfillment appears to me to be unnatural or imposed. Many people seek to escape this state as soon as possible, however they often merely change partners and continue the same difficulties during that 'youthful' period of years.  
 
Mid-life is that point where the individual completes their duty toward childbearing often becoming the first opportunity to be 'without' primary responsibilities. In addition as a more seasoned adult the individual is more able to 'know' or be direct in what they want at that point, they become 'able' to articulate what they want and need. Many people want to reclaim their ability to play! They may also become less vulnerable to criticism, or community censure as their 'self' is now firmly established.  
 
 
 
 
BORN AGAIN ~ Over the past several years I have become more and more interested in answerin

6/13/2010 3:09:33 PM
BORN AGAIN ~  
 
Over the past several years I have become more and more interested in answering this particular question. There are several surface answers which appear valid yet fail to address what I feel inside to be the fuller truth. It can be shown that the advent of the Internet has reverberated as a 'burst' or explosion of interest in the S/m community although this is most often vocalized under the auspices of Domination and submission rather than BDSM. I do not see this 'burst' of interest as limited to exploration of S/m but see evidence that this 'burst' has occurred across many fields of study and interest, so to that extent this appears to fall within the normal range of experience as information simply became more readily available to people (at large) as the Information Super Highway opened up. Some people speculate that the Internet has served to 'create' this interest and that as fast as it arrived it will dissipate. This concept is based on the idea that the 'need' for knowledge and information will become glutted, finally sating the individual wherein they will revert to their 'normal' framework and begin to distance themselves from the 'playground'. This does appear to be a reasonable concept as many of the people who initially were 'captivated' by the mystery of BDSM have since pulled back to live their lives in almost the same manner as they did prior to exploring BDSM. This also appears to be consistent with the exploration of other curiosities made accessible or cyberly interactive via this media. The most visible of these would be the explosion in UFO, alternative and conspiracy materials and websites. However, since each of these is a different arena I have hesitated to sweep all into the same box and label it 'Internet Phenomenon'.  
 
Taken separately D/s, S/m, BDSM deal with interpersonal relationships on the most intimate levels. Unlike an interest in a particular 'idea' such as the existence of aliens, involvement in S/m includes interaction involving the activities in a persons real life existence, thereby taking this 'interest' out of the little white box safety of the Internet or outside of a mental debate and places it inside the intimate physical, emotional, mental and spiritual relationships of the individual.  
 
So, although there are similarities, these are not sufficient to explain what is happening.  
 
At the moment I am in the process of collecting historical data on 'emergence' based on those people who 'found themselves' prior to the existence of the Internet as a factor. Based purely on my limited personal experience I have noted the existence of people younger than 35-40 (including myself and my late husband) within the community before that point, however, in my personal recollection I still remember a predominance of 'mid-life' people who were a statistically higher number in comparison to youthful 'active' and senior 'active'. This on the surface would appear to 'echo' the current phenomenon regardless of the intervention of the Internet.  
 
Recently I received part of the UNICEF survey related to birth control world wide. This study appears to have been oriented primarily at women with some surprising findings. Those women given a 'freedom' to partake of birth control appear to have elected to do so, with the birth rate falling (not really surprising to me) This reduction in child birth or dependency if coupled to an opportunity for the woman to further her potential independent earnings (such as through education) reflected a choice by the woman to limit reproduction to a single child or two children. In addition these women elected to have a child later in life when their independent finances were more established. Further it was noted that given this expansion of choices that a majority of the women selected one mate to have children with. Then moved to select a different mate during mid-life (to share interests with) and further to select a third mate to (age with). These separations of 'childbearing age', 'mid-life age' and 'old-age' were surprising given the preexistence of 'norm' being a single mate throughout a woman's life, this being offered historically as the 'preferred woman's choice'. The survey further explored how the number of children produced appeared to alter or destroy this choice process. If more than two children were created then the woman was much more likely to stay with originator mate. If 4 or more children were created then the likelihood of remaining with the 'originator mate' increased to 97%. (Please refer to UNICEF for the actual statistical numbers).  
 
Although the material I reviewed did not contain the same type of survey of men I have since reading that material inquired of men who I know who are mid-life to old-age and asked them of their feelings on this 'pattern'. Most of the men I spoke with appeared to feel a 'kinship' to the three mate lifetime concept, versus the 'single mate norm'. As I do not have any statistical data on this I cannot offer this as anything more than initial or anecdotal.  
 
To some extent I believe that 'child bearing years' contain a type of setting in the mind that compels the individual into a pattern of 'conformity to standard', which may be a control tool (control of reproduction - control the population). This inhibition or setting appears to become inactive when the individual exits prime child bearing years. As this inhibition fades the individual appears to reclaim interests which existed prior to 'child bearing' and return to explorations that had lain relatively dormant during those years. Some might choose to believe that this is a natural outgrown of 'maturing' but I do not believe that this is entirely so, in my experience if a person who has reached this point 'becomes' 'child bearing active' again then they will 'revert' to the same blockaded position, or seek to perform to community standard once more (or at least to some degree). Those who 'emerge' prior to the full growth of their children tend to express deep conflictive feelings or the sense of being torn between 'standard' and this further 'need' to seek out their personal 'truth'. It is of interest that many people feel their 'young life' to have been incomplete in many crucial ways. The choice to live in a state of unfulfillment appears to me to be unnatural or imposed. Many people seek to escape this state as soon as possible, however they often merely change partners and continue the same difficulties during that 'youthful' period of years.  
 
Mid-life is that point where the individual completes their duty toward childbearing often becoming the first opportunity to be 'without' primary responsibilities. In addition as a more seasoned adult the individual is more able to 'know' or be direct in what they want at that point, they become 'able' to articulate what they want and need. Many people want to reclaim their ability to play! They may also become less vulnerable to criticism, or community censure as their 'self' is now firmly established.  
 
 
 
 
BORN AGAIN ~ Over the past several years I have become more and more interested in answerin

6/13/2010 3:07:35 PM
What is a Master?  
 
'A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to let go....'  
 
 
 
A Master is confident  
A Master is self assured  
A Master knows the soul of a sub/slave  
A Master knows what he wants and does not divert from his goal.  
A Master is content in himself.  
A Master has strong character.  
A Master understands...  
'A slave should always be measured from the inside,  
for it is her soul that is enslaved,  
her body simply follows'  
A Master seeks the mind before the body, any 'body' can be aroused,  
but few minds can be owned  
A Master has control of his life, rather than letting his life control him.  
A Master is gentle in his strength and strong in his gentleness.  
A Master does not need to seek acceptance from others,  
for he has acceptance of self.  
A Master does not need to announce his mastery,  
it is shown in all that he does.  
A Master can control with a simple look across the room.  
A Master is not afraid of punishment, for he knows it is  
his responsibility.  
A Master accepts his slave/sub for who she is,  
building on her weaknesses,  
building her self esteem,  
making her whole.  
A Master is human, first and foremost.  
He is not perfect, yet he strives for perfection.  
A Master is not afraid to admit his mistakes,  
he does not judge them, he learns from them.  
A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted,  
and when to let go....  
What is a Master? 'A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to

6/13/2010 3:07:34 PM
What is a Master?  
 
'A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to let go....'  
 
 
 
A Master is confident  
A Master is self assured  
A Master knows the soul of a sub/slave  
A Master knows what he wants and does not divert from his goal.  
A Master is content in himself.  
A Master has strong character.  
A Master understands...  
'A slave should always be measured from the inside,  
for it is her soul that is enslaved,  
her body simply follows'  
A Master seeks the mind before the body, any 'body' can be aroused,  
but few minds can be owned  
A Master has control of his life, rather than letting his life control him.  
A Master is gentle in his strength and strong in his gentleness.  
A Master does not need to seek acceptance from others,  
for he has acceptance of self.  
A Master does not need to announce his mastery,  
it is shown in all that he does.  
A Master can control with a simple look across the room.  
A Master is not afraid of punishment, for he knows it is  
his responsibility.  
A Master accepts his slave/sub for who she is,  
building on her weaknesses,  
building her self esteem,  
making her whole.  
A Master is human, first and foremost.  
He is not perfect, yet he strives for perfection.  
A Master is not afraid to admit his mistakes,  
he does not judge them, he learns from them.  
A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted,  
and when to let go....  
What is a Master? 'A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to

6/13/2010 3:02:48 PM
he PLEASURE of the PAIN Why Some People Need S & M - sadomasochistic sex  
Author: Marianne Apostolides, Psychology Today, Sept, 1999  
Filed in: general knowledge, sm, sadomasochism  
 
 
Bind my ankles with your white cotton rope so I cannot walk. Bind my wrists so I cannot push you away. Place me on the bed and wrap your rope tighter around my skin so it grips my flesh. Now I know that struggle is useless, that I must lie here and submit to your mouth and tongue and teeth, your hands and words and whims. I exist only as your object. Exposed.  
 
Of every 10 people who reads these words, one or more has experimented with sadomasochism (S & M), which is most popular among educated, middle- and upper-middle-class men and women, according to psychologists and ethnographers who have studied the phenomenon. Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D., of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, has researched S & M to learn the motivation behind it--to understand why in the world people would ask to be bound, whipped and flogged. The reasons are as surprising as they are varied.  
 
For James, the desire became apparent when he was a child playing war games--he always hoped to be captured. 'I was frightened that I was sick,' he says. But now, he adds, as a well-seasoned player on the scene, 'I thank the leather gods I found this community.'  
 
At first the scene found him. When he was at a party in college, a professor chose him. She brought him home and tied him up, told him how bad he was for having these desires, even as she fulfilled them. For the first time he felt what he had only imagined, what he had read about in every S & M book he could find.  
 
James, a father and manager, has a Type A personality--in-control, hard-working, intelligent, demanding. His intensity is evident on his face, in his posture, in his voice. But when he plays, his eyes drift and a peaceful energy flows through him as though he had injected heroin. With each addition of pain or restraint, he stiffens slightly, then falls into a deeper calm, a deeper peace, waiting to obey his mistress. 'Some people have to be tied up to be free,' he says.  
 
As James' experience illustrates, sadomasochism involves a highly unbalanced power relationship established through role-playing, bondage, and/or the infliction of pain. The essential component is not the pain or bondage itself, but rather the knowledge that one person has complete control over the other, deciding what that person will hear, do, taste, touch, smell and feel. We hear about men pretending to be little girls, women being bound in a leather corset, people screaming in pain with each strike of a flogger or drip of hot wax. We hear about it because it is happening in bedrooms and dungeons across the country.  
 
For over a century, people who engaged in bondage, beatings and humiliation for sexual pleasure were considered mentally ill. But in the 1980s, the American Psychiatric Association removed S & M as a category in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This decision--like the decision to remove homosexuality as a category in 1973--was a big step toward the societal acceptance of people whose sexual desires aren't traditional, or vanilla, as it's called in S & M circles.  
 
What's new is that such desires are increasingly being considered normal, even healthy, as experts begin to recognize their potential psychological value. S & M, they are beginning to understand, offers a release of sexual and emotional energy that some people cannot get from traditional sex. 'The satisfaction gained from S & M is something far more than sex,' explains Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Case Western Reserve University. 'It can be a total emotional release.'  
 
Although people report that they have better-than-usual sex immediately after a scene, the goal of S & M itself is not intercourse: 'A good scene doesn't end in orgasm, it ends in catharsis.'  
 
S & M: No Longer A Pathology  
 
'If children at [an] early age witness sexual intercourse between adults ... they inevitably regard the sexual act as a sort of ill-treatment or act of subjugation: they view it, that in a sadistic sense.'--Sigmund Freud, 1905  
 
Freud was one of the first to discuss S & M on a psychological level. During the 20 years he explored the topic, his theories crossed each other to create a maze of contradictions. But he maintained one constant: S & M was pathological.  
 
People become masochistic, Freud said, as a way of regulating their desire to sexually dominate others. The desire to submit, on the other hand, he said, arises from guilt feelings over the desire to dominate. He also argued that the desire for S & M can arise on its own when a man wants to assume the passive female role, with bondage and beating signifying being 'castrated or copulated with, or giving birth.'  
 
The view that S & M is pathological has been dismissed by the psychological community. Sexual sadism is a real problem, but it is a different phenomenon from S & M. Luc Granger, Ph.D., head of the department of psychology at the University of Montreal, created an intensive treatment program for sexual aggressors in La Macaza Prison in Quebec; he has also conducted research on the S & M community. 'They are very separate populations,' he says. While S & M is the regulated exchange of power among consensual participants, sexual sadism is the derivation of pleasure from either inflicting pain or completely controlling an unwilling person.  
 
Lily Fine, a professional dominatrix who teaches S & M workshops across North America, explains: 'I may hurt you, but I will not harm you: I will not hit you too hard, take you further than you want to go or give you an infection.'  
 
Despite the research indicating that S & M does no real harm and is not associated with pathology, Freud's successors in psychoanalysis continue to use mental illness overtones when discussing S & M. Sheldon Bach, Ph.D., clinical professor of psychology at New York University and supervising analyst at the New York Freudian Society, maintains that people are addicted to S & M. They feel compelled to be 'anally abused or crawl on their knees and lick a boot or a penis or who knows what else. The problem,' he continues, 'is that they can't love. They are searching for love, and S & M is the only way they can try to find it because they are locked into sadomasochistic interactions they had with a parent.'  
 
Linking Childhood Memories And Adult Sex  
 
'I can explore aspects of myself that I don't get a chance to explore otherwise. So even though I'm playing a role, I feel more connected with myself.'--Leanne Custer, M.S.W., AIDS counselor  
 
Meredith Reynolds, Ph.D., the Sexuality Research Fellow of the Social Science Research Council, confirms that childhood experiences may shape a person's sexual outlook.  
 
'Sexuality doesn't just arise at puberty,' she says. 'Like other pans of someone's personality, sexuality develops at birth and takes a developmental course through a person's life span.'  
 
In her work on sexual exploration among children, Reynolds has shown that while childhood experiences can indeed influence adult sexuality, the effects usually 'wash out' as a person gains more sexual experience. But they can linger in some people, causing a connection between childhood memories and adult sexual play. In that case, Reynolds says, 'the childhood experiences have affected something in the personality, and that in turn affects adult experiences.'  
 
Reynolds' theory helps us develop a greater understanding of the desire to be a whip-bearing mistress or a bootlicking slave. For example, if a child has been taught to feel shame about her body and desires, she may learn to disconnect herself from them. Even as she gets older and gains more experience with sex, her personality may retain some part of that need for separation. S & M play may act as a bridge: Lying naked on a bed bound to the bedposts with leather restraints, she is forced to be completely sexual. The restraint, the futility of struggle, the pain, the master's words telling her she is such a lovely slave--these cues enable her body to fully connect with her sexual self in a way that has been difficult during traditional sex.  
 
Marina is a prime example. She knew from the time she was 6 years old that she was expected to succeed in school and sports. She learned to focus on achievement as a way to dismiss emotions and desires. 'I learned very young that desires are dangerous,' she says. She heard that message in the behavior of her parents: a depressive mother who let her emotions overtake her, and an obsessively health-conscious father who compulsively controlled his diet. When Marina began to have sexual desires, her instinct, cultivated by her upbringing, was to consider them too frightening, too dangerous. 'So I became anorexic,' she says. 'And when you're anorexic, you don't feel desire; all you feel in your body is panic.'  
 
Marina didn't feel the desire for S & M until she was an adult and had outgrown her eating disorder. 'One night I asked my partner to put his hands around my neck and choke me. I was so surprised when those words came out of my mouth,' she says. If she gave her partner total control over her body, she felt, she could allow herself to feel like a completely sexual being, with none of the hesitation and disconnection she sometimes felt during sex. 'He wasn't into it, but now I'm with someone who is,' Marina says. 'S & M makes our vanilla sex better, too, because we trust each other more sexually, and we can communicate what we want.'  
 
Escaping the Modern Western Ego  
 
'Like alcohol abuse binge eating and meditation, sadomasochism is a way people can forget themselves.' Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., professor of psychology, Case Western Reserve University  
 
It is human nature to try to maximize esteem and control: Those are two general principles governing the study of the self. Masochism runs contrary to both, and was therefore an intriguing psychological puzzle for Baumeister, whose career has focused on the study of self and identity.  
 
Through an analysis of S & M-related letters to the sex magazine Variations. Baumeister came to believe that 'masochism is a set of techniques for helping people temporarily lose their normal identity.' He reasoned that the modern Western ego is an incredibly structure, with our culture placing more demands on the self than any other culture in history. Such high demands increase the stress associated with living up to expectations and existing as the person you want to be. 'That stress makes forgetting who you are an appealing escape,' Baumeister says. That is the essence of 'escape' theory, one of the main reasons people turn to S & M.  
 
'Nothing matters except you, me and the sound of my voice,' Lily Fine tells the tied-up and exposed businessman who begged to be spanked before breakfast. She says it slowly, making her slave wait for every sound, forcing him to focus only on her, to float in anticipation of the sensations she will create inside him. Anxieties about mortgages and taxes, stresses about business partners and job deadlines are vanquished each time the flogger hits the flesh. The businessman is reduced to a physical creature existing only in the here and now, feeling the pain and pleasure.  
 
'I'm interested in manipulating what's in the mind,' Lily says. 'The brain is the greatest erogenous zone.'  
 
In another S & M scene, Lily tells a woman to take off her clothes, then dresses her only with a blindfold. She commands the woman not to move. Lily then takes a tissue and begins moving it over the woman's body in different patterns and at varying speeds and angles. Sometimes she lets the edge of the tissue just barely brush the woman's stomach and breasts; sometimes she bunches the tissue and creates swirls on her back and all the way down. 'The woman was quivering. She didn't know what I was doing to her, but she was liking it,' Lily remembers with a smile.  
 
Escape theory is further supported by an idea called 'frame analysis,' developed by the late Irving Goffman, Ph.D. According to Goffman, despite its popular conception as darkly wild and orgiastic, S & M play has complex rules, rituals, roles and dynamics that create a 'frame' around the experience.  
 
'Frames suspend reality. They create expectations, norms and values that set this situation apart from other parts of life,' confirms Thomas Weinberg, Ph.D., a sociologist at Buffalo State College in New York and the editor of S & M: Studies in Dominance & Submission (Prometheus Books, 1995). Once inside the frame, people are free to act and feel in ways they couldn't at other times.  
 
S & M: Part of the Sexual Continuum  
 
S & M has inspired the creation of many psychological theories in addition to the ones discussed here. Do we need so many? Perhaps not. According to Stephanie Saunders, Ph.D., associate director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University, 'a lot of behaviors that are scrutinized because they are seen to be marginal are really a part of the continuum of sexuality and sexual behavior.'  
 
After all, the ingredients in good S & M play--communication, respect and trust--are the same ingredients in good traditional sex. The outcome is the same, too--a feeling of connection to the body and the self.  
 
Laura Antoniou, a writer whose work on S & M has been published by Masquerade Books in New York City, puts it another way: 'When I was a child, I had nothing but S & M fantasies. I punished Barbie for being dirty. I did Bondage Barbie, dominance with GI Joe. S & M is simply what turns me on.'  
 
READ MORE ABOUT IT  
 
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Mystic Rose Books, 1995)  
 
S & M: Studies In Dominance and Submission, Thomas S, Weinberg, editor (Prometheus Books, 1995)  
 
Dark Eros: The Imagination of Sadism, Thomas Moore (Spring Publications, 1996)  
 
RELATED ARTICLE: Whip Smart: Beyond the Boundaries of Safe Play  
 
While S & M can be a psychologically healthy activity--its motto is 'safe, sane and consensual'--sometimes things do get out of hand:  
 
Abuse It is rare, but some 'Tops' get too involved in power and forget to monitor their treatment of the 'Bottom.' 'I call them 'Natural Born Tops,'' says dominatrix Lily Fine, 'and I don't have time for them.' Also, some bottoms want to be beaten because they have low self-esteem and think they deserve it. They are forlorn, absent and unresponsive during and after a scene, in this case, S & M ceases to be play and becomes pathological.  
 
Boundaries A small percentage of people inappropriately bring S & M power play into other facets of their life. 'Most people in S & M circles are dominant or submissive in very specific situations, while in their everyday life they can play a whole range of roles,' says psychology Professor Luc Granger. But, he continues, if the only way a person can relate to someone else is through a kind of sadomasochistic game, then there is probably a deeper psychological problem.  
 
The Use of S & M as Therapy People often confuse the fact that they feel good after S & M with the idea that S & M is therapy, says psychology Professor Roy Baumeister. 'But to prove that something is therapeutic, you have to prove that it has lasting beneficial effects on mental health ... and it's hard to prove even that therapy is therapeutic.' In mental health terms, S & M doesn't make you better and it doesn't make you worse.  
 
RELATED ARTICLE: Excerpts from an S & M Glossary  
 
Sadomasochism (S & M): An activity involving the temporary creation of highly unbalanced power dynamics between two or more people for erotic or semi-erotic purposes.  
 
Bondage and Discipline (B & D): A subset of S & M not involving physical pain.  
 
Top: The dominant person in a scene; synonyms: dominant, dom, master/mistress.  
 
Bottom: The submissive person in a scene; synonyms: submissive, sub, slave.  
 
Switch: A person who enjoys being a Top in some scenes and a Bottom in others.  
 
Sadist: A person who derives sexual pleasure from inflicting pain on others.  
 
Masochist: A person who derives sexual pleasure from being abused by others. Sadist and masochist are sometimes used playfully in the S & M community, but are generally avoided because of psychiatric denotation.  
 
Scene: An episode of S & M activity; the S & M community.  
 
Negotiating a Scene: The process of loosely outlining what the players want to experience before they begin a scene.  
 
Play: participation in a scene.  
 
Toy: Any implement used to enhance S & M play.  
 
Safe Word: A prearranged word or phrase that may be used to end or renegotiate a scene. This is a clear signal meaning 'Stop, this is too much for me.'  
 
Dungeon: A place designated for S & M play.  
 
Dominatrix (pl. Dominatrices): A female Top, usually a professional.  
 
Lifestyle Dominant/Submissive: A person involved in a relationship in which S & M is a defining dynamic.  
 
Fetish: An object that is granted special powers, one of which is the ability to sexually gratify. It is often wrongly confused with S & M.  
 
Vanilla Sex: Conventional heterosexual sex.  
 
Marianne Apostolides is author of Inner Hunger: A Young Women's Struggle through Anorexia and Bulimia (W..W. Norton, 1996). Her last article for PSYCHOLOGY TODAY, 'How To Quit the Holistic Way,' was published in October 1996.  
Related Essays  
• Some Facts about SM by Author Unknown  
• An Interesting View of Sadomachism by Donald L Miesen  
• BDSM Definitions by D. Glenn Arthur Jr.  
• BDSM Tips for Beginners by Lady Green and Jay Wiseman  
• Flogging In History by Che  
 
he PLEASURE of the PAIN Why Some People Need S & M - sadomasochistic sex Author: Marianne Apo

6/13/2010 9:41:32 AM
Stepping Back  
 
When a submissive is at her most vulnerable,  
this is when she needs to be strongest  
 
 
 
There are times in a submissive's life, in a person's life when they simply need to step back, take stock of where they are, and rest, before they can move forward.  
 
There are times, like now, when life's ups and downs begin to cloud judgment. The need to be loved, to be wanted, pushes a submissive into places she shouldn’t be, doesn't really want to be. Yet, she finds herself there amongst those who may not have her best interest at heart. Through her own overwhelming need, she doesn't heed the feeling in her gut. Nor does she notice the selfishness of their requests.  
 
When a submissive is at her most vulnerable, this is when she needs to be strongest. This is when she needs to step back and take a hard look at herself. Is she submitting out of choice, or out of need for belonging? Is her submission a strong healthy act of submission, or a weaker act of needing to be wanted, by someone....anyone?  
 
This is the time when friends are of major importance. I'm talking of the kind of friends that will protect you from yourself. When you find yourself driving faster forward, knowing you need to step back, find a friend. Another submissive, a dominant friend you trust and ask questions. More importantly...LISTEN to them. LISTEN to yourself as you speak to them and the answers will grow clear.  
 
If you have no friends, then step up to the mirror and become your *own* best friend. Look at that wonderful creature in the mirror before you and ask her....Where is your submission coming from? Is it coming from an intelligent strong choice to submit? or is it coming from a desire to belong, to feel wanted...by anyone, no matter the cost?  
 
If you find you are submitting from the wrong place, feeling pushed to make a commitment, ask for time. Any Dom worth having will grant you time to come to the right decision for you. Do you really want a Dominant that doesn't have the patience to wait for you to submit from the place of strength? Do you want a Dominant who is so selfish, has such little self-control, he isn't concerned with your need?  
Stepping Back When a submissive is at her most vulnerable, this is when she needs to be

6/13/2010 9:38:06 AM
COMMAND STRUCTURES -  
Command: To exercise a dominating influences over, to have within your authority, power or control. To rule or govern. To have at one's immediate bidding or disposal.  
Structure: The action of construction or building. Something having a definite or fixed pattern of organization.  
Together they form an organized pattern or shaped ruling structure. To some extent all of us live under a variety of command structures. From the top you might consider your elective 'faith' to be represented by a governing body (God) who has presented a pattern of behaviors or actions which you are then 'commanded' by action of your belief in these actions to actively represent the 'desire' of the 'commander' (God) by complying with these commands. In this 'view' (God) becomes the dominant who commands via the 'instructions' or 'pattern' of his design - under the supposition that compliance to command or following these orders will result in a favorable relationship with (God) which will be 'rewarded' upon completion of the entirety of the pattern (death).  
Second to this possible enteric structure you may have an interpretive or secondary command system comprised of a religious organization which is given the task and duty to interpret and disperse the 'detail of command' to all within the influence of that command.  
Next you have your government with the President, at least structurally, appearing to be 'in command' with the rights and ability to dictate, have influence over, dominate, express power or control, rule and essentially govern your behavior, rights and privileges.  
Following your government you would have your employer or supervisor. They exercise as many of these dominant rights as they can to direct and control your life.  
Last you have your family. The structure within your family will alter and change over the course of your life as those who once enjoyed positions of power and control become dependent and within the authority and control of those they once ruled.  
Not to be forgotten are the hidden controllers, these might be considered to be anyone or 'organization' which you owe money to. That exchange of money is in reality a contract within which you vacate your rights by some measure or degree, most often your working time, in exchange for the right or privilege of borrowing an unaccumulated or earned reward.  
Within a D/s relationship you will find distinct patterns of command structure. Often these patterns are designed around familiar or at least marginally understood 'larger' already in existence designs. Generally the dominant will utilize familiar rituals to reinforce in the person they wish to dominate that they are the 'dominant' or that they are ruling, in control and 'must' be obeyed.  
The problem occurs primarily when the dominant within this structure has only the broadest understanding of what ruling is. Often they will see the surface of ruling behavior as all that is needed to 'be' dominant, seldom considering the broad and much deeper implications of 'removal of choice' and 'acceptance of responsibility' for actions which result in unsatisfactory results.  
Most good businessmen would tell you that managing other people in the work place is a dicey deal. It is complicated. People vary, what they think varies, how they feel varies, how they respond to stimulation varies. Allowing for these variables and having a reasoned well thought out 'plan' of action to address these variations is how the business tries to model with their employees sufficiently to produce the highest possible level of outcome. To do this, to manage people on a daily basis takes information, insight, and a good bit of luck. To gain the information necessary to create the management tools the businessman will go to specific management classes. They have to learn how to manage people, how to rule over their lives without resorting to destructive or damaging actions.  
If you ask a dominant how many management classes they have taken, you will probably hear 'none'. After all, how hard is it to tell someone what to do? Well, it isn't hard to do for five or ten minutes. But it becomes hard over the course of days, weeks or months, particularly if the behaviors necessary to directing the actions of someone else are not natural. If you have been the 'governed' for the entirety of your life, you essentially have no real skills or tools which make you able to direct or manage others. You aren't 'born' with these skills. And, they don't magically come into existence through the desire to possess them. You can improve your understanding of what is 'fantasy domination' and what may work in real life by seeking out comprehensive books on management and relationships. You can attend workshops and seminars relating to management - business. You can even go back to school for some of these classes.  
In the end, how successful you will be as a dominant will rely entirely on how well you grasp the dynamics and complexities of interacting with other human beings. If you are currently socially lousy, your odds are rather crappy. If you have trouble getting along with people, are subject to bursts of intense anger or loss of behavior control - you will not be a good dominant. Figure out who you are in reality, try not to be swayed by the 'fantasy dominant' illusions so common on the Internet and within some groups. For all beginning dominants out there, the real place to begin is by being a submissive or bottom. This is the school for S/m from the bottom up or the inside out. If you cannot utterly know and understand the person you wish to direct, then, in my opinion, you shouldn't be directing them. Human lives, feelings, thoughts, opinions and belief's are not yours to play with. Giving orders isn't enough.  
 
 
 
COMMAND STRUCTURES - Command: To exercise a dominating influences over, to have within your a

6/9/2010 7:11:49 PM
WHAT A WONDERFUL THING IT IS TO NOT HAVE TO SEARCH ANYMOREWHAT A WONDERFUL THING IT IS TO NOT HAVE TO SEARCH

6/9/2010 7:09:06 PM
i cannot sleep at all. My thoughts dwell on my Master as i think of ways to please him i think of sitting at his feet with eyes cast down waiting for his voice to say “What a good girl I have.” I think of Him watching me taking off my clothing.i think of the inspection I will undergo. I cannot shut off my brain as all i can do is think of my Master and how I may better serve Him.  
kate  
i cannot sleep at all. My thoughts dwell on my Master as i think of ways to please him i thin

6/9/2010 10:40:01 AM
Completion  
 
You make me feel complete  
You make me feel calm  
You make me laugh  
You make me cry  
You make me warm  
You make me happy  
You make me feel worthwhile  
You make me feel important  
You are making me into a whole person  
 
Can i still be a submissive too  
 
I hope so  
 
I don’t want one without the other  
 
I would be incomplete  
Without giving my submission to youCompletion You make me feel complete You make me feel calm You make me laugh You make me

6/9/2010 10:37:35 AM
Dealing With Releases  
 
 
 
i have been seeing so many breakups lately, some are handled with dignity and pride and the parties involved have parted mutually and with a respect that can be envied by many. i think a lot of the bitterness in other situations i have seen in breakups comes because we like to think we've been understood completely by the person we were in love with. Especially when the breakup happens really fast and unexpectedly, you're left feeling that these sensations of being intimately aware of another person, of finally finding someone who understands you and accepts you, never really existed outside your imagination or the lost hope you once held for the relationship. It's more like a betrayal thing i think, not an abuse thing or something exploitative. More like 'I handed you my soul to carry around and you dropped it. How could you?' type of thing.  
i wonder how many times over the course of the last two years of running my group and its original predecessor we have seen that question of what to do after the release happens. i guess my advice to anyone out there who is going through a hard breakup would simply be to find something you like to do and make it your focus for a while, nothing helps to build one's self back up like doing something you enjoy to do and do it well, it gives you a sense of pride within yourself knowing you can accomplish things and have positive outcomes. It really helps you find out who you are and what you like to do when you can feel relaxed and able to remain calm so you can think, and it also helps to remember that there are other things in this life besides the 'scene'. Knowing what you want the next time comes from knowing yourself, use the time you now have to read over things you wrote or to mentally go over the things you didn't have pleasure in during the relationship but remember it is probably more important to also think of the good that was once there. Being able to recognize what you want from life, you will know that the person that is now gone from your life did not and does not make or break you.  
One thing i have noticed after some of the break ups we have seen on here (online), there is often this need to sort of 're-define' your image of that person in terms of how we recall them or our memories with them. i believe it's at this point we see what it is we're actually made of. i once read the saying, 'Any man can show kindness to his friends.. it is how a man deals with his enemies where we see his mercy put to the test.' People meet, they fall in love and even in good relationships people still get hurt.  
Some people, after breaking up, choose to take a very harsh turn on their former beloved, the one they once claimed devotion, love, service, respect and trust in. The only things coming out of the heart and mouth are '..all the times they hurt me, let me down, disappointed me... etc.'. The temptation is there. i know, i myself too easily have dwelt on how 'so and so did this or that, how unjust! how unkind! how dare they do this! yadda yadda yadda It runs through the theater of your mind like some awful B rate movie, or worse, a bad version of Payton Place (an old movie i caught last week on the classic movie chan.). But then what? You walk around filled with angst, hurt, a sense of injustice and bitterness that entertains no one nor does anything to help you grow as a person. Wigging out for a couple days is understandable, but it's not to be a lifetime occupation, this twisted bitterness that shows up on your doorstep the moment hurt strikes you deep.  
There is of course this really radical way of thinking i was once taught as a child from this sweet little ole lady i called 'Grandmamma' that i seem to recall a time or two to being very useful when its time to move on. i've found it to be a much less painful way to handle things instead of allowing the hurt to drag me down and destroy me, and make me look like a twisted bitter filled individual, it's called 'forgiveness'. Okay, so somebody lied to you, left you for someone else, used you, led you on, or any other multitude of reasons, whatever it was it didn't work out... it happens. But remember you too have hurt others in some way or another and perhaps without even giving it much thought. None of us are perfect or blameless... well, except for those conceited people who are just impossible to be around.  
If you could remember one moment, one day, when you saw the very best of your former loved one, that one perfect scene, the day that had everything clicking in place... remember that and smile, remember the gift that day you two shared, that is where that old concept my grandmother taught me lives and hails from. And when you remember the wrong they did at a later time in your relationship, remember that you've forgiven them and it's a finished issue, because when you choose to remember that one perfect day and you smile, the healing began and you started down the road to forgiveness. They've gone their way, you've gone yours. Perhaps they'll change with someone else, perhaps not; perhaps you will change, perhaps not. But either way, even if it were in your power or at your disposal to see them pay for whatever they did or you think they did... remember that in forgiveness and mercy you'd not want such punishment be brought on them, no more than you would that brought onto yourself, because you too are not blameless, it took two to build it and it takes two to let it go.  
This is where we have to look at ourselves and take a hard look at what we're made of. When we said, 'I love you.', was that a conditional statement or did we extend that love freely? Do we only love those who love us in return? Is it really more like, 'I love you, but only for now while its going good, but then I will destroy you when it's over. But for now…yeah I love you.' Even the most selfish of persons cannot pull off that trick. We need not pine or long for a former lover, that would be unhealth. Got to move on towards the future and leave the past behind. But we can still extend that love that does not wish any harm upon those we once loved closely, and pledged even a minuscule of respect.  
Some might say it's impossible for their particular situation, that the hurt just outweighs what was good (sorry, but i disagree, giving up and giving in to just be vengeful is taking the easy road out). Holding your head up with pride and dignity is not always easy, but it far outweighs displaying yourself as being bitter and vindictive, such a heavy cross to bear in those actions, it only makes you paranoid and wonder if what everything being said and written in places like this is about you, after all…why wouldn't someone turn around and do that to you, you did it. i say that for any situation it can be hard at times, but not completely impossible or hopeless. After a while, it actually becomes a joy, and a relief to just kind of shrug your shoulders, let out a heavy sigh and wish your former beloved all goodness in their travels as you relieve them of any obligation to any wrongs you think they brought upon you. Then you commit yourself to remembering them and the couple you once were... 'As you were, on your very best day with them.'  
 
 
 
 
 
 
Dealing With Releases i have been seeing so many breakups lately, some are handled w

6/9/2010 10:35:48 AM
A Master's Creed  
 
 
For people who wonder about a D/s relationship and often feel it is 'degrading' to a woman, this should clear it up. True D/s involves much love, respect, and trust. Here is what one Master wrote and I agreed with it completely. To me it epitomizes everything that should be in every D/s relationship.  
 
As it is often important and often even necessary for one human being to have certainty and a clear understanding of the intentions, desires, motivations, and needs of another, I offer this testimony in trust and sincerity.  
 
I am a dominant man. I am just that. I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser.  
 
I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body.  
 
I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.  
 
Yet, to you I am Master.  
 
I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor. You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt.  
 
Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts. We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We complement each other and make each other complete. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.  
 
You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you. What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to be. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.  
 
I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.  
 
Within the bounds of our relationship...it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me..or you. That is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary. What you give freely cannot in reality be bought  
A Master's Creed For people who wonder about a D/s relationship and often feel it is 'deg

6/9/2010 7:47:38 AM
Finding your Dominant  
So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or  
submissive, or at least that you are interested enough in either of these that you  
want to explore the possibilities they offer further. The question is, how do you  
find someone with whom to explore them, without jeopardizing your safety or  
discretion?  
 
In this wired world, many people get their first introduction into BDSM online.  
While chat rooms are a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle,  
only rarely do such online connections lead to successful, long lasting real  
relationships. In fact, when it comes to finding a real life partner online  
relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help. Why? Because once you are  
involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather  
than on finding a real life partner. Time and time again I have people tell me  
about this wonderful long distance relationship they have, and time and time  
again those relationships fall apart. Relationships need contact, they need smiles and hugs and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things they are almost bound to fail.  
 
In this submissive’s opinion, people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they  
can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the  
practicalities of a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be  
with a partner they hardly know and b) making the relationship work once they  
get there. I know some people do manage it, but the fact is chat room  
relationships rarely turn into successful real life ones. If you're serious about  
finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex. I  
personally know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationship and  
when she and her prospective Master finally met, they lasted less than a week. A  
year is an awful amount of time to waste.  
 
A better way to find that perfect Dom or sub, is to hook into the local 'scene'  
(there's bound to be one) and to attend various club events, play parties,  
munches and so forth.  
.  
 
To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise on  
line. Effective that is, if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution, and just  
a little common sense. On line services like these are discrete and reliable, allow  
you to be very specific about what you want and are cost effective, but (there's  
always a but right?) to make the most of them you do have to use them  
properly.  
 
Step 1 - Prepare  
 
You need to determine for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you  
are looking for in a partner. I know this can be difficult if you're totally new to  
the lifestyle, but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a  
one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you  
really looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination  
and put yourself into a 'virtual' D/s relationship. What is the relationship like?  
How does your partner treat you? What are the relationships governing rules?  
What happens when the rules are broken? Spend some time thinking about  
these questions and build a picture in your mind of the relationship that you want.  
When the picture is reasonably clear, write it down.  
 
Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for,  
you can start to prepare yourself for it. You may want to read some of the  
different websites.  
As a rule of thumb Dominants can best prepare by understanding as best they can what makes a sub tick and submissives can best prepare by learning the attitude and some of the skills a typical Master may demand of them.  
 
By the way - you may feel that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and  
takes some of the romance out of it, but I beg to differ. Our upbringing and  
day-to-day vanilla experiences go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla  
relationship - so why should D/s one be any different?  
 
Step 2 - Advertise  
 
Take care in creating your advertisement (also known as a profile) - it's worth  
spending a bit of time on it and getting right, and a well crafted ad that's free of  
spelling mistakes and grammatical errors is much more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest. Don't make the mistake of overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.  
 
You want to reach as wide and audience as possible, so join and create a free  
profile on at least two specifically kink related personal ad sites  
(adultfriendfinder.com and alt.com are probably amongst the best known) and  
one vanilla site (try friendfinder.com - if you word your ad properly you'll be  
surprised at how effective a vanilla site can be). Once you have completed  
your profile, browse through some of the other advertisements specific to  
your area to get a feel for who's out there and what they are looking for. Free  
membership to most of these site limits the number of ads you can look  
at and / or respond to in a given period so it's certainly worth thinking about  
paying for membership to at least one of them. In most cases a three month membership (which should be plenty) costs less than $30 - pretty cheap when you consider the impact it might have on the rest of your life.  
 
Step 3 - Taking it further  
 
Okay, so your profile is complete and you just have to sit back and wait for the  
replies to roll in right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's ads -  
submissives in particular seem to feel that they ought not 'make the first move',  
but if the Doms didn't want replies they wouldn't have placed the ad in the first  
place. Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to ads as well as  
waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with  
the right person.  
 
 
A few Do's and don'ts:  
 
DO:  
• Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself  
• Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like  
• Be polite and avoid crudity  
• Take your time to get the reply right  
DON'T  
• Include your phone number or anything that might identify you  
• Be impolite  
• Overstate your interests or experience  
• Reply to ads that clearly don't fit your requirements, or where you don't fit theirs  
• Reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.  
 
Once you start getting replies, it's important that you reply to every single one of  
them, even if it's just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an  
advertisement you're asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them  
when they have taken the trouble to do as you've asked is downright rude.  
 
Step 4 - Meeting  
 
So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to you ad, responded  
to one or two and you think you've found 'the one'. What next? Well that's really  
up to you, but I suggest a number of emails back and forth about what each of  
you are looking for, followed by some very long 'getting to know you' phone  
calls. Don't be in too much of a hurry - if they really are 'the one', they'll wait.  
Just before I go though, a few points about first time meeting safety - particularly  
for the ladies:  
• Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.  
• Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.  
• Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.  
• Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know them well.  
• Take a cell phone with you.  
• Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out.  
 
Finally good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner and it all works out well  
for you.  
Finding your Dominant So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominan

6/9/2010 7:11:57 AM
i read this and wanted to pass it along  
 
The submissive’s Creed  
 
I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits,  
and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my  
Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also  
lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my  
Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, I know that submissive does not equal doormat.  
 
I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissive s, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.  
 
I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.  
 
I will never think myself a submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not  
intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.  
 
Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never  
cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or  
sub~human. I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.  
i read this and wanted to pass it along The submissive’s Creed I will communicate with

6/8/2010 6:19:41 AM
Understanding Equality  
 
'It is this wanting/needing of expectations that make Dominants and submissives equal'  
 
 
 
It never ceases to amaze me those who look down on someone for their particular bent in the lifestyle (Top or bottom) or feel that Dominant equals better and submissive equals lesser. Now not many people admit to these feelings, after all it wouldn’t be politically correct and let’s all admit and take a deep breath of reality, even though our chosen lifestyle is not politically correct to the mundane world, we have our own sense of political correctness within the lifestyle. Yet though some may not admit openly about this particular philosophy they show it in their mannerisms, their looks and even at times in their comments (outside those made in obvious jest). You, the reader may be one of them and I would especially encourage you to read this. If you’re not one of them still read on, perhaps you know someone who should read this article or at least are told the highlights of it.  
 
Dominants and submissives are equals. Period. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Just because I am the Dominant partner and the one in charge does not dismiss the fact that a submissive is on equal footing with me. It’s a matter of relationship. However you call the bond between a Dominant and a submissive, there exists a very real and breathing relationship between two people. And in the D/s relationship it takes two types of people to make a D/s relationship work correctly, a Dominant and a submissive.  
 
It does go beyond just needing a Dominant and a submissive in a D/s relationship to make equals. Each person in whatever type of relationship you have with anyone you are involved with has a set of expectations, a set of rules and a set of priorities we recognize about each other. The D/s relationship is no different. Now I have heard the argument, “I am the Dom, so I set the rules, the expectations and the priorities”. Well good for you, don’t all of us Doms do that? Yes, but only the foolish don’t realize we can only set these rules and expectations and priorities to a partner who as an equal has her own set of rules, expectations and priorities she needs. As much as a Dominant expects a submissive to follow their concepts of rules, expectations and priorities, a Dominant must be willing to do likewise for a submissive. Both partners need something within a relationship. Yes a submissive wants to have rules and sets of priorities and expectations set for them, but they also have some needs of their own that a Dominant needs to fill. Before we go stroking our egos thinking, “yeah they need us”, let us not forget we want/need them as much as they do us.  
 
It is this wanting/needing of expectations that makes Dominants and submissives equal. It is the very fact that it takes a Dominant partner and a submissive partner to make a D/s relationship to work, that makes Dominants and submissives equal.  
 
To both Dominants and submissives a piece of advice: want your partner to make you happy and do all that they can to nurture you? Do the same back. Dominants lets face some facts, we want a submissive to be in control, to be the one who is looked up to and adored, to be served and taken care of like WE demand to be taken care of. What makes us more special than our own submissives that we can’t do the same back and treat them in a manner which lifts them up and makes them feel as special as they make us feel? And the liner of “she adores sucking my cock” is bullshit. While SOME exceptions will be out there, women do NOT like the taste of semen as a steady diet and have other things on their mind than sucking your dick all the time.  
 
This does not mean let them stop swallowing or sucking of course. It means recognize that what THEY want/need will most likely be different than what you want. This isn’t to say they have no interest or even desire to please you and your wants/needs but they also need the same care they show us. Some of you may be sitting and reading this and wondering, well how do I show the same care they show us? Find out from your submissive. Take time to actually ask what they want to do once in awhile, or better yet get to know your partner so well that you don’t have to ask, you can just do.  
 
A submissive who is treated as an equal instead of a lesser being is more apt to be more self-assured, better able to handle situations when you are not there to handle them and will take little if any shit from others when you’re not around. Now some of you may be sitting there thinking that is not how a submissive should be. I argue that your primary role as a Dominant is to be able to release your submissive into the world stronger and better off than before she knew you and able to do it ALONE. After all, no relationship lasts forever, even if it is death to us part. Make sure your submissive can handle being on her own if and when the time ever comes. You can start by making sure you’re equals.  
Understanding Equality 'It is this wanting/needing of expectations that make Dominants and

6/8/2010 5:20:12 AM
A Slave's Prayer  
..  
 
 
Please let me forever be open  
to learn and understand.  
Please let my service be absolute,  
To accept His guiding hand.  
 
Please let me have patience,  
when angry, hurt, or full of doubt.  
Please let Him be my Master,  
and correct me should i shout.  
 
Please never let me shame Him,  
or disappoint Him in any way.  
Please give me strength in my submission,  
let me make Him prouder every day.  
 
Please know that this prayers sincere,  
every word coming deep from this slaves heart.  
Please know how much i need to serve Him  
my devotion always His from the start.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A Slave's Prayer .. Please let me forever be open to learn and understand. Please l

6/7/2010 11:47:11 AM
HUMBLE:  
 
...not proud or haughty...not arrogant or assertive...reflecting, expressing or offered in a spirit of deference, respect or submission...unpretentious...lacking all signs of pride, aggressiveness or assertiveness.  
 
How simple the words, how truly profound the gift. The act of humility, the state of presenting yourself so to the world is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do. In the realm of D/s, the lifestyle most commonly known as Domination and submission this precept becomes even more significant. There are many who see only the overt sexual aspects of D/s without the truth within that reality.  
 
The Dominant and the submissive are a team. Their union a true partnership. A choice of non-conflict between successful individuals. They attain this through active decisions during the course of every day. In today's society there is strong emphasis on individuality and independence. Money becomes the goal, the indicator of success. What is not there is that which all humans crave, a companion, a true partner. If both male and female are assertive and aggressive they turn blades against each other.  
 
Sometimes a Dominant will ask a submissive to learn humility. Usually this occurs when the submissive (for purposes of this discussion a female), demonstrates continuing acts of pride, self involvement, disrespect and an elevated perception of themselves to the point where their actions displease those about them. Humility is a gift that a submissive offers to their Dominant. A choice to defer to the Dominant. The role of submissive is not a passive existence of someone of diminished status, far the contrary. It is to be the gift of support, to joyously assist and augment their Dominant, the steel in the framework.  
 
The Dominant for his part cherishes the soft strength of the submissive, he understands the difficulty of not answering back in pride and aggression, he understands that it is far harder to kneel than to stand, to give than to take. He also knows that a submissive cannot have both, she must embrace her submission, glory in the gift she willingly offers. To assist her he may instruct her in the forgotten ways of humility and grace. This may seem at odds with today's society. Perhaps so. Yet if you ask any submissive they perceive no diminishment of self by offering the gift of themselves to a worthy Dominant. There is a true art to blending the duality of self into one glorious being.  
 
In a sense it is quite simple, a relationship cannot flourish if both persons are leaders. To be truly successful one must lead the other must navigate. If you are asked to learn to be humble, you must look deep within your actions to see them from the viewpoint of others. You must ask yourself, 'Do I think too highly of myself and impose my inflated opinion on others? Am I too proud, haughty? Do I willingly defer to others? Am I respectful? Am I too aggressive, too assertive? Am I pretentious?' It is perhaps true that your Dominant believes one or more of these to be true. That he perceives area's that need attention from you. If you have been asked to explore this within yourself, how did you do so? Were you aggressive and whiny? Did you take offense and point fingers at others offer empty justifications for your actions? Or did you reach out and grasp that quiet serenity that is the true submissive, did you look within the mirror of your heart and admit the truth of what your Dominant has seen? Did you kneel in humility and mortification at the prideful nature of your responses? Did you beg forgiveness and thank him for his concern for you?HUMBLE: ...not proud or haughty...not arrogant or assertive...reflecting, expressing or off

6/7/2010 11:08:44 AM
A Master's Creed  
 
 
For people who wonder about a D/s relationship and often feel it is 'degrading' to a woman, this should clear it up. True D/s involves much love, respect, and trust. Here is what one Master wrote and I agreed with it completely. To me it epitomizes everything that should be in every D/s relationship.  
 
As it is often important and often even necessary for one human being to have certainty and a clear understanding of the intentions, desires, motivations, and needs of another, I offer this testimony in trust and sincerity.  
 
I am a dominant man. I am just that. I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser.  
 
I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body.  
 
I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.  
 
Yet, to you I am Master.  
 
I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor. You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt.  
 
Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts. We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We complement each other and make each other complete. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.  
 
You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you. What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to be. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.  
 
I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.  
 
Within the bounds of our relationship...it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me..or you. That is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary. What you give freely cannot in reality be bought  
A Master's Creed For people who wonder about a D/s relationship and often feel it is 'deg

6/7/2010 6:48:51 AM
CREATING YOUR FIRST SCENE  
 
part One  
 
 
 
You have met, physically. Maybe after a long on-line and phone communication. You are full of ideas, thoughts, concerns. Your submissive/slave is new to the lifestyle, so are you. You have made plans, described your desires, created patterns, discussed limits . . . but up till now it has all been long distance, detached from reality. Now what?  
 
 
Here are a few simple ideas. First. KIS or keep it simple. Prior to meeting for a consensual play session de-emphasize your submissives expectations, the more you build things up, the more stress you place on your own performance and the less directed focus you will be able to give to the submissive. Additionally you may not have a 'Dom Kit', (an assortment of toys, restraints, ropes etc.).  
 
You want to make this an interesting, exciting, fulfilling experience for both of you. Success is based not on how many toys you have, but on how and what you do and why. Your submissive/slave's primary need is attention. S/he desires an experience of directed control.  
 
(for the purposes of this example I will assume both partners are lifestyle virgins and that the arena of play is a small empty apartment of one of them...)  
 
 
 
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Training Collar (3 ring preference). Razor, shaving gel, small bowl, small plastic bag.  
 
OPTIONAL: Lined cuff's for wrists and ankles. Two double ended latches (to attach cuffs to other rings)  
 
 
 
Find a comfortable place to sit. 'Assume Spot' You should use this command to draw your submissive to a spot in front of you. Use an even tone of voice. 'Formal Presentation Position' This command tells your submissive that s/he is to remove all clothing (have them undress in front of you if this pleases you), fold their clothing neatly and place to the side. They should be wearing your collar. If not you may desire to perform a collaring ceremony. At this point you may or may not have cuff's for them to wear on wrists and ankles. If you do they should put these on and assume a present position. The classical position is facing toward the Dominant on their knees, the thighs opened as wide as possible to display their genitals, the chest (breasts) should be naked, and offered with a straight arched back, shoulders back, hands on the thighs, palms cupped upward, buttocks resting on the heels, chin up and eyes respectfully lowered.  
 
The 'order' of presentation is Chest/breasts, Penis-scrotum/vagina, Anus and Mouth. The submissive says '_________(owner's name) slave or submissive (whichever), presents the Mistress's or Master's body for her or his inspection. Slave or submissive offers these 'your breasts, your vagina . . . etc.' You should nod for each body part so offered, you may inspect by touch if you wish. After each offering (your breasts), you say 'What else do you offer?' The sub/slave will then proceed to the next (your vagina).  
 
The purpose of this training and presentation is to demonstrate and expose offer the body, to reinforce the sub/slave as to their position or status, reminds the sub/slave that their body is owned by the Dominant and is for their usage, entertainment and pleasure. Gives the Dominant an opportunity to visually inspect the body for changes (weight), injury, damage and the need for maintenance.  
 
Upon completion of this inspection you may note that your new sub/slave is not groomed to your satisfaction and decide that such grooming should commence immediately. You will tell your sub/slave 'get a safety razor, gel, a plastic bag a small bowl of water and a towel.' 'GO!' The sub/slave should rise gracefully and hustle to bring the objects to you. Instruct the sub/slave to lay the plastic bag down and assemble before you the bowl, gel and razor. You then say 'Down-back!' This command is used to tell the sub/slave to lie down on their back, (in general they will lie with legs together, hands along sides head to one side. You can then use the command 'Open!' This command is used to tell the sub/slave to open their genitals to you (in any situation). At this point you may commence shaving your sub/slave or you may instruct them to groom in front of you. When they are cleaned to your desire they should wipe off and upon approval from you remove and dispose of the objects. They should then return and assume your display position of choice. (you can describe the position you desire prior to meeting so your submissive can practice before a mirror). 'Display!'  
 
At this point your sub/slave should be mentally 'in the zone'. S/he is not permitted open speech, argument, discussion or debate over what you tell him/her to do. All negotiation of limits occurs OUTSIDE the arena or prior to play. For purposes of simplicity you may desire to call your sub/slave simply 'slave, pet, slut, worm', and your sub/slave should call you simply 'Mistress, Master, Ma'am, Sir' you adjust this to your desire. The removal of a name 'objectifies' them and the usage of an honorific title reinforces status between you.  
 
The next thing is to intensify their space. This is most easily done by the removal of sight. Use a blindfold or scarf to simply and easily do this. (from this point I will offer a simple suggested scene - please feel free to elaborate or use it merely for an example) You may have noted (at the least) that your sub/slave was improperly groomed, they may also have presented themselves crooked etc. (minor breeches) These offer you an opportunity for in play discipline training. You tell them to 'present for discipline' this should be a position to offer you their buttocks for spanking, this can be over your knee, across a chair, table or bed. Their hands should be overhead in surrender position, locked at throat if cuffed (away from area of play). You can then have the sub/slave 'offer' a listing of their errors, any not openly revealed and listed that require you to bring up warrant double discipline.  
 
For each of these offenses you allocate a number of 'swats', at the end of each flurry your sub/slave should say 'Thank you Mistress/Master' Since you cannot know the nature of the individuals skin at this point you spank only to a level of color (always try to avoid bruising - it limits further safe play). This discipline session can be punctuated with commentary from you, depending on if your sub/slave needs-desires humiliation etc. At the end of this session your sub/slave may be quite aroused. With male sub/slaves you may desire to cross train by stroking the penis intermittently during spanking - this trains the submissive to associate the pleasure of arousal with the application of pain. You then say 'Open!' Again this command orders your submissive to open their genitals for your inspection. With a female you insert fingers upon which you might verbally comment on what a 'slut' she is. With a male you discuss the size of his offering. With a female you may desire for her to clean your fingers after making them messy in her sloppy vagina .  
 
 
 
This is the conclusion of part one.  
 
 
 
 
 
CREATING YOUR FIRST SCENE (2)  
 
...continued from part one  
 
(Please read part one before reading this section!)  
 
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Sterile lubricant, three relatively gentle wooden clothespins, a leash.  
 
OPTIONAL: Latex gloves,  
 
While the sub/slave is in discipline position you may desire to probe their anus as well using the lubricated tip of one finger. With many people this may be their first anal encounter, prior to exploring this region ensure that you are completely conversant with any medical conditions they may have which might limit play here, in any case be gentle. It is enjoyable to use language during such explorations. As an example you might say something like 'Do you need to be used slave?' or 'What a nasty slut you are!' This may sound uncomfortably crude to you and it may be quite difficult to deliver such language your first time. You should remember that you are constantly creating a scene or environment, one pleasurable to both of you.  
 
'Resume kneel (or Display)' by using this command your sub/slave should lift their body and settle back onto their buttocks, you must continuously be aware that they are blindfolded and to some extent vulnerable to loss of balance. Be prepared to assist them into position. They should again be offering their genitals to you. It is a good time to stroke their body. Use your hands to caress and massage them, be aware that at this point their shoulders will already be beginning to ache from a position they are not used to - massage at and around the joints while talking to them softly. Take your time to make the touch sensual. When you have touched all of their torso and arms return to their nipples and pinch them lightly.  
 
After doing this several times ask the sub/slave how many clothespins do you have. The sub/slave may know if you have had them assemble and present possible toys for use, if so they should instantly answer 'three Mistress/Master!'If you have assembled your toy's outside of their viewpoint (a personal choice differing from individual to individual and often depending on desired scenario) then they will not know the answer in which case they should say 'I do not know Mistress/Master.' Their responses should be prompt, humble and in a serious tone of voice. Laughter during scene can be indicative of nervousness and lack of respect as well as inexperience. Any breech of protocol during scene should be instantly reprimanded. 'I have three clothespins slave, what do you think I should do with them?' such a question is more to heighten the anxiety and excitement in the sub/slave than to elicit an answer. You may receive any number of interesting and funny answers. After all - two clothespins are obvious - three are not . (this is described by some people as a mind fuck, it is an action to keep the sub/slave slightly off balance) As play commences you may notice it becoming more and more difficult for your sub/slave to answer you. This is a normal condition which you should allow for, you will learn the 'speed' of your sub/slave the more you play with them.  
 
Continuing to tweak the sub/slaves nipples you should begin to pull and twist them lightly. You can clamp them without notice or verbal warning or you can have the sub/slave count down from say ten. The initial clamping is painful, but the pain subsides rather quickly. (For virgin players leave them on no more than 7-8 minutes) Then you should have fun with the 'extra' clamp. You may decide to migrate 'testing' spots all over the sub/slaves body. Don't forget to have them stick out their tongue for testing too (somewhat more painful). As you proceed lower and lower on their body you approach their vulnerable genitals.  
 
Every so often remember to 'brush' the clamps on the nipples. This re-sensitizes them and you will be rewarded with moans. At this point your new sub/slave's knees will be getting tired too so you know even if they do not that you are near the end of this portion of your scene. Trail the loose clothespin down the stomach and around the genitals. With a female you may decide to clamp one of her labia lips (this is generally not too painful) Do not clamp the clit on first play - it can be extremely painful far too soon for many sub/slaves. For a male slave you can pull out the skin on his penis and clamp or move lower to clamp the skin of his scrotum. You may sit back and say something like 'do you like that pet?' You may desire to brush all three clamps again to cause them to moan again.  
 
At this point you are probably out of time with the nipple clamps. Do tell your sub/slave 'this may hurt a little bit!' This can be done while you are unclamping them. Note that unclamping is the most painful part. Be careful to lift the clamp free of the skin and not drag it. It may stick and be indented and your sub may be moving. They may scream lightly. After removing the second nipple clamp you may massage the nipples lightly (this is quite painful) for the blood is returning. Again you might say, 'oh . . . does that hurt?' 'Oh, I almost forgot, there is one clamp left isn't there...?' Since the third clamp has only been on a shorter time you might brush it a few times allowing your sub/slaves anxiety over its removal to increase. When you know they are near their limit reach down so they know you are going to release the clamp. Again be careful to separate the clamp from the skin with your fingers - the touch will be uncomfortable to their tender skin but much better than any tears in the skin itself. After the initial shock of removal has subsided move immediately to alter their position.  
 
Unclip their wrist cuffs from the collar if so attached. Lower the arm very slowly with your hands, massage the muscles and make sure their mobility returns in a normal way. Do the same with the other arm. Now it is time to get them off their knees.  
 
The scene to this point may have taken nearly 1.5 hours. Your sub/slave may need to go to the bathroom, they may have difficulty walking or standing. Attach a leash to their collar. You may order them to 'crawl' In general this command can be used for full belly crawl or knee/palm crawl. Be careful of furniture for they are blind, if the floor is dirty you may comment to them that until it is cleaned properly they will be led in a crawl at all times for it's condition displeases you. This is a way of cross-training - an opportunity.  
 
The bathroom offers a new arena for continuing play. If you are in your submissives home and it is untidy or unclean it can be unsanitary and unpleasant. A strong indication from you on your expectations of cleanliness can be reinforced by forcing your new sub/slave to crawl through the untidiness. If you are in your home and it is untidy then you are subjecting them to unwarranted cruelty. You can tell them that in future prior to play you expect them to attend to household cleanliness. The sub/slave must have a reasonable expectation of playing in a safe, clean environment. It depends on your desired realm of future contact.  
 
(note that every situation is different, your language and choices will vary depending on both you, your sub/slave and the conditions where you play!)  
 
 
 
This is the conclusion of part two.  
 
CREATING YOUR FIRST SCENE (3)  
 
continued from part two  
 
(Please read parts one and two prior to reading this section)  
 
WHAT YOU WILL NEED: Good antibacterial soap, washcloth.  
 
OPTIONAL: Safe sex items if your play proceeds into that area, remember to include dental dam's, condom's etc.  
 
(The bathroom and indeed the intimacies of attending maintenance can provide opportunities different from any other space. For reasons of safety and health I will limit the scene here to observation and direction only.)  
 
'Stand or Informal Display' this command tells your sub/slave to rise from the crawl position to stand. Their feet should be spread shoulder width apart, arms behind back crossed at wrists, shoulders up and back, chin lifted. (It resembles the common 'parade rest' military position.) Again, remembering that s/he is blindfolded you may wish to direct them into a better position. You can do this easily by saying 'Right step . . . right step . . . stop Pivot . . . forward etc.' Your sub/slave will be quite nervous and probably terribly embarrassed. You should tell them in advance of meeting that you might 'require' them to provide service maintenance performance under observation and direction. (Maintenance means to maintain your (sub/slaves) body to your standards, including cleanliness, grooming and evacuation.)  
 
With a female sub/slave you will have had her sit upon the commode. 'Open!' This command tells her to open her genitals. Her knees should open as wide as possible in the space. Again you might offer commentary on how wet she is, usage of language often enhances the intensity of the play experience for both players. 'Open wider!' This command can be used to tell your sub/slave to reach between her legs and open her vagina wider using her fingers. (If you have a strong desire to complete this type of sequence then you may have instructed your sub/slave to drink a large quantity of water, soda or tea prior to the scene time ) Assuming that your sub/slave is 'needing release', you may decide on a simple release 'release!' or you may tell her to 'release and stop!' This is a bedevil command , once trained it can be enormously fun. IF your sub/slave can manage to stop flow you might tell her to stimulate her clit using one finger and continue while you turn 'on and off' the tap 'release and stop!'. (Note: many female sub/slaves can learn this easily and come enormously hard by releasing both sensations at the same time. It does take practice but that practice can be fun.)  
 
With a male sub/slave you will position him in front of the commode. Again two obvious choices present themselves. You can elect to handle his penis yourself, not allowing him to touch it (often forbidden during scene). Or, you can tell him to hold his penis in hand. Remember that he is blindfolded and cannot see the target . You can instruct him that he is positioned exactly in front of the commode and that he is not to make a mess by splashing onto anything else. If so you will command him to stop and adjust position (as many times as it takes to get it right). Note that it is very hard for males to stop and start flow. Again use the command 'release!' Your sub/slave may release, may miss and may be unable to stop . If so you can direct the angle by saying something like 'to the right . . . more . . . more' This can be entertaining and humiliating. You should tell your sub/slave in advance of meeting that you might require this from them so that there is some mental preparation. When completed, if he has made a mess you should tell him that he needs further training to correct his directional control problems and that he has now earned the task of thoroughly cleaning the bathroom area.  
 
This can commence immediately or be saved for a later time at your discretion. After this section of the scene you may commend your new sub/slave on how pleased you are with their efforts to please you. You should have them wash their hands thoroughly using a good antibacterial soap. You may also desire for them to provide further maintenance by thoroughly washing their genitals in front of you. If so you should remove the blindfold to allow them to see what they are doing clearly. At this point you may be desiring some personal attention from your sub/slave. You lead them back into the room using the leash to your position of choice, generally sitting.  
 
If you are a male dominant you may desire to have your sub/slave remove portions of your clothing. (Many Dominants get strongly sexually aroused during play and this article presumes the prior full consent of both adults.) At this point you may have your sub/slave 'worship' This command tells the sub/slave to 'kiss only' a designated portion of the Dominant's body (and sometimes clothing like boots on Domme's). The sub/slave continues worship until told to stop. If this activity is expected to take a long time then you should first tell your sub/slave 'rest position' This command indicates to them that they are not required to assume a formal position during worship but may be in a more comfortable position to better service their Mistress/Master. The command 'relaxed' is also sometimes used.  
 
From this point the Dominant may desire full sexual contact or the 'scene' may be over. For the purposes of this article I will end this section here.  
 
Following this section is a summary - please take the time to read it carefully!  
 
CREATING YOUR FIRST SCENE  
 
SUMMARY  
 
This summary should be read after all other sections have been read.  
 
This scene was designed to be simple, affordable, easy to understand and execute. It was created to show a variety of common situations, how to handle them through language, command and direction.  
 
WHAT IF?  
 
What if your sub/slave becomes emotionally distraught during the scene?  
 
If your sub/slave becomes distraught at any time 'in scene' or out then you should cease all activity, offer comfort and attempt to discover what triggered their outburst. If they need medical attention - get it!  
 
What if your sub/slave becomes injured during the scene, faints, has a heart attack, etc.?  
 
The safety and health of the submissive/slave is the Dominant's primary concern. If at any time that is in question immediately seek help. A Dominant should request a good medical briefing on all aspects of their sub/slaves health prior to agreeing to any play, and they should have a good working knowledge of the closest medical facility to the location of the scene. And, they should know their sub/slave's medical insurance info in case their sub/slave is incapacitated and cannot speak for themselves.  
 
Why did the Dominant not use a belt?  
 
Many submissive/slaves emerge from backgrounds of abuse - often they have strong associations with a belt and many other common objects. Discovering such triggers 'in scene' is very traumatic for both dominant and submissive. Ample discussions of any prior abuse should occur before any thought of play commences.  
 
 
 
Why does the scene appear somewhat sterile and cold? Is there no romance possible between the Dominant and submissive?  
 
During a scene a level of detachment is often necessary on the part of the Dominant to 'carry off' the nature of the scene and roles. This 'gap' can seem cold in some ways but often it is merely the Dominant remaining very very aware of every detail ongoing in the scene. This is important for the safety and enjoyment of the submissive as well. Many submissives enjoy and desire the objectification and feeling of usage. They want, need and totally desire to feel under control!!  
 
Romantic tending, nurturing and care exchange should occur pre-scene and may include stage setting such as candles, low lights, soft music, food, drinks and foreplay in many other forms.  
 
What happens after the scene?  
 
After any scene the sub/slave will require ample aftercare. This is cuddling, nurturing, caressing and comforting words. The Dominant should express language of the level of their pleasure in the sub/slave's efforts during scene and compliment them. There should be ongoing touching and reassurance, a demonstration of the deep value the Dominant places in their sub/slaves offering or gift. This aftercare can take many hours depending on the depth of the scene.  
 
What should the Dominant do if the sub/slave does not obey the commands?  
 
Some sub/slave's desire to resist. Prior to any scene at any time the Dominant and the sub/slave should set up a safe word and have a thorough discussion of known limits. IF during the scene the sub/slave yells out no! And, knowing that their safe word is really 'red', then the Dominant knows that the sub/slave wishes or is asking to be further disciplined in scene. Please note that force is impossible. BDSM is about Safe, Sane and Consensual play between legal adults. The usage of the safe word allows the sub to 'get out' of scene if they are in real trouble. The usage of disobedience as part of play is not an example of abuse or force. The Dominant and submissive should discuss this in detail prior to commencing play. If such activity occurs then the Dominant may 'dismiss' the disobedient sub/slave ending the scene or 'discipline' through encouragement via swats if so agreed and desired by bCREATING YOUR FIRST SCENE part One You have met, physically. Maybe after a long on-

6/7/2010 6:41:50 AM
RT OF ALLURE  
 
Allure: The power of attraction or fascination...  
 
Allure is the projection of erotic or sensual energy from one human being to another. The art of the 'Lure' is the desire to entice, tempt, seduce or attract by suggesting or hinting at possible pleasure or gain. Allure is an active state or a deliberate action.  
 
The Dominant and submissive are adapted to the projection of charm both as a weapon or as a tool to 'encourage' other people into 'following' their subtle direction. If you place a need or a goal within attainable reach the Dominant or submissive will or may use allure as part of their arsenal toward the attainment of that goal or fulfillment of that need.  
 
Between a Dominant and a submissive this unique mutation or adaptation presents some interesting ideas. One of the most intriguing of these is simple identification. It appears that one 'projecting' individual awakens the 'awareness' of any other 'projecting' individual within their range. Between many Dominants and submissives is the capacity for 'participation' in another persons ideas or feelings. This is called empathy or an empathic ability. This capacity is possessed by most people and can be found in active usage at times of crisis, such as in the projection of 'sympathy' at or toward an individual.  
 
This directed or projected energy tends to be highly focused and delivered or pushed by intense will or desire. These projected emanations elicit an awareness response which alerts the attention of any other Dominant or submissive within the sphere or range of them. This mutation or evolutionary trait may have developed as part of the 'package' of survival and mating or reproductive suitability.  
 
During a 'stressed' situation it is often the supreme desire of the submissive to survive. By 'aligning' with a Dominant that survivability factor increases. As part of this the submissive wants to 'draw' the attention of the Dominant upon them and entice that Dominant into 'taking' that submissive within their protective territory. To achieve this 'goal' the submissive manifests a state of 'appeal' or 'seduction'. Often this can be blatant sexual enticement which when viewed may appear to be the 'opening' of the body to 'invite' the Dominant within. Some of these more blatant manifestations are discussed in the article titled 'Manifestations'.  
 
Sex is perhaps the most powerful tool available. It plays into the natural or primal side of man with its underlying species pressure of reproduction or species survival. This is a vibrant force which we tend to mask in 'civilized' society with language of choice, appropriate behavior and rhetoric to suggest that this 'force' has diminished or fallen into the direct control of humanity.  
 
Allure strongly projected can 'enthrall' its 'victim' into a state of fixated attention. Once 'caught' the victim of this enthrallment will be maintained in a 'diminished state' while the projector 'suggests' a line of action that is desirable to them. It is important to recognize that this projection can emanate from either the Dominant or the submissive based on a decision by the individual that such a projection might be useful or successful. A strong submissive 'actively' takes weaker or latent Dominants as part of their normal behavior. This is done by 'encouraging' that Dominant to do something by 'enticing' that Dominant into sexual 'space'. This is the 'suggestion' of possible mating. It should be noted that few submissives will actually follow through on this enticement. If a submissive can 'take' a Dominant they instinctively 'know' that this Dominant is 'weaker' than they are which essentially means that they would produce inferior offspring. So, they use their capacity for allure to manipulate or direct action beneficial to themselves.  
 
Since the world is full of latent or non-emergent Dominants and submissives this allows a strong Dominant or submissive a powerful way to manipulate or control while maintaining the appearance of 'non-threat'. A projecting Dominant or submissive couples within that projection a belief in availability, possibly loose morals, diminished intellect, and especially non-threat! The recipient of this 'projection' will consider that Dominant or submissive to be 'safe' and will often lower their mental defenses and literally 'invite' the Dominant or submissive inside of them.  
 
Once close the projector will 'align' with the need or apparent desire of their 'victim'. This empathy, or the strong ability to empathetically align is part of the mating courtship between Dominants and submissives. In general, the stronger that a Dominant or submissive is, the stronger this ability is. As with many things empathy, blended energy streams or shared 'space' is strengthened by usage. The more you reach mentally, the stronger that ability will grow.  
 
If a submissive is 'projecting' and comes within the range of a strong Dominant that Dominant will 'feel' them or 'see' them. Many Dominants and submissives report that they routinely 'identify' Dominants or submissives who they come into contact with during their normal routines. Often they cannot express 'how' they know that a person is one or the other, they simply know.  
 
If a Dominant or submissive becomes aware of allure as a functional and successful tool, they often begin to use this tool to forward their careers. A projecting Dominant or submissive may 'appear' to be the most 'attractive' individual in a room full of people when in physical reality they may be nothing more than 'plain' by conventional measures or standards. The 'glamoree' of the projection masks or alters how anyone within range will 'view' them.  
 
RT OF ALLURE Allure: The power of attraction or fascination... Allure is the projection

6/7/2010 6:41:49 AM
RT OF ALLURE  
 
Allure: The power of attraction or fascination...  
 
Allure is the projection of erotic or sensual energy from one human being to another. The art of the 'Lure' is the desire to entice, tempt, seduce or attract by suggesting or hinting at possible pleasure or gain. Allure is an active state or a deliberate action.  
 
The Dominant and submissive are adapted to the projection of charm both as a weapon or as a tool to 'encourage' other people into 'following' their subtle direction. If you place a need or a goal within attainable reach the Dominant or submissive will or may use allure as part of their arsenal toward the attainment of that goal or fulfillment of that need.  
 
Between a Dominant and a submissive this unique mutation or adaptation presents some interesting ideas. One of the most intriguing of these is simple identification. It appears that one 'projecting' individual awakens the 'awareness' of any other 'projecting' individual within their range. Between many Dominants and submissives is the capacity for 'participation' in another persons ideas or feelings. This is called empathy or an empathic ability. This capacity is possessed by most people and can be found in active usage at times of crisis, such as in the projection of 'sympathy' at or toward an individual.  
 
This directed or projected energy tends to be highly focused and delivered or pushed by intense will or desire. These projected emanations elicit an awareness response which alerts the attention of any other Dominant or submissive within the sphere or range of them. This mutation or evolutionary trait may have developed as part of the 'package' of survival and mating or reproductive suitability.  
 
During a 'stressed' situation it is often the supreme desire of the submissive to survive. By 'aligning' with a Dominant that survivability factor increases. As part of this the submissive wants to 'draw' the attention of the Dominant upon them and entice that Dominant into 'taking' that submissive within their protective territory. To achieve this 'goal' the submissive manifests a state of 'appeal' or 'seduction'. Often this can be blatant sexual enticement which when viewed may appear to be the 'opening' of the body to 'invite' the Dominant within. Some of these more blatant manifestations are discussed in the article titled 'Manifestations'.  
 
Sex is perhaps the most powerful tool available. It plays into the natural or primal side of man with its underlying species pressure of reproduction or species survival. This is a vibrant force which we tend to mask in 'civilized' society with language of choice, appropriate behavior and rhetoric to suggest that this 'force' has diminished or fallen into the direct control of humanity.  
 
Allure strongly projected can 'enthrall' its 'victim' into a state of fixated attention. Once 'caught' the victim of this enthrallment will be maintained in a 'diminished state' while the projector 'suggests' a line of action that is desirable to them. It is important to recognize that this projection can emanate from either the Dominant or the submissive based on a decision by the individual that such a projection might be useful or successful. A strong submissive 'actively' takes weaker or latent Dominants as part of their normal behavior. This is done by 'encouraging' that Dominant to do something by 'enticing' that Dominant into sexual 'space'. This is the 'suggestion' of possible mating. It should be noted that few submissives will actually follow through on this enticement. If a submissive can 'take' a Dominant they instinctively 'know' that this Dominant is 'weaker' than they are which essentially means that they would produce inferior offspring. So, they use their capacity for allure to manipulate or direct action beneficial to themselves.  
 
Since the world is full of latent or non-emergent Dominants and submissives this allows a strong Dominant or submissive a powerful way to manipulate or control while maintaining the appearance of 'non-threat'. A projecting Dominant or submissive couples within that projection a belief in availability, possibly loose morals, diminished intellect, and especially non-threat! The recipient of this 'projection' will consider that Dominant or submissive to be 'safe' and will often lower their mental defenses and literally 'invite' the Dominant or submissive inside of them.  
 
Once close the projector will 'align' with the need or apparent desire of their 'victim'. This empathy, or the strong ability to empathetically align is part of the mating courtship between Dominants and submissives. In general, the stronger that a Dominant or submissive is, the stronger this ability is. As with many things empathy, blended energy streams or shared 'space' is strengthened by usage. The more you reach mentally, the stronger that ability will grow.  
 
If a submissive is 'projecting' and comes within the range of a strong Dominant that Dominant will 'feel' them or 'see' them. Many Dominants and submissives report that they routinely 'identify' Dominants or submissives who they come into contact with during their normal routines. Often they cannot express 'how' they know that a person is one or the other, they simply know.  
 
If a Dominant or submissive becomes aware of allure as a functional and successful tool, they often begin to use this tool to forward their careers. A projecting Dominant or submissive may 'appear' to be the most 'attractive' individual in a room full of people when in physical reality they may be nothing more than 'plain' by conventional measures or standards. The 'glamoree' of the projection masks or alters how anyone within range will 'view' them.  
 
RT OF ALLURE Allure: The power of attraction or fascination... Allure is the projection

6/7/2010 6:17:29 AM
Doing It Online  
 
 
First things first… I'm not setting myself up here as some kind of an expert on Long Distance or any other kind of online relationship. It did however, strike me quite some time ago that an awful lot of folks do sneer a little/a lot (delete as applicable to you) about those who indulge in purely online relationships – of whatever magnitude or form that relationship takes.  
 
So having dealt with my own (far from ideal) online partnership previously I decided to explore the whole issue a little further .  
 
Personally I don't care what form your online relationship takes. I don't care what kinds of fantasies you indulge in (apart from maybe a few that I really don't want to think about). I don't care if you cyber the night (or day) away, I don't care if you indulge in cyber BDSM, fuck donkeys, or are castrated and beaten to a pulp thrice nightly; providing that is, I don't have to watch it in a chatroom. As long as you don't inflict your cyber scenes on me, you can indulge yourself to your hearts content; its no business of mine.  
 
From the relatively brief time I have been active on the internet I have seen a number of different kinds of online relationships, many of which have been fully demonstrated in the Alt Euro Room. These include:  
 
flirtations and diversions and what is perhaps best termed as online dating.  
those brief cyber liaisons with an individual or individuals.  
full blown partnerships conducted online with merely the haziest nod at getting together sometime…maybe…never.  
the fledgling relationships, born online which may or may not come to some kind of real time fruition.  
 
I have observed all these kinds of relationships work in both the long and short terms. I have also seen any number of them crash and burn, sometimes quite spectacularly.  
 
In none of the categories above have I made any kind of distinction between BDSM and nilla. All relationships, be they online or r/t are fraught with difficulty and all relationships are lost without trust. In many ways it seems online relationships, be they of the BDSM variety or not, suffer from primarily the same difficulties as the r/t variety … with the added dimension of not having physically met your partner – though some would count that as a plus.  
 
The bottom line for a functional relationship must surely be that all parties involved are getting what they want from it. If you are looking to find your perfect Dom or sub and want to settle down and live happily ever after then there is little point in emotionally committing to someone who appears perfect for you but is married and wants to stay that way. In the short term your online (or r/t) fireworks may be everything you desire… but you have two very different points of view of where the relationship is going .  
 
So a few Do's n Don'ts (which you may consider useful or enlightening or so obvious you can't think why I bothered to type them).  
 
DO  
 
Be honest about what you are looking for  
If you are not looking for the same outcome then things won't have a happy ending  
If you are not planning to meet the other party be honest about it  
If you do think you may meet the other party then make sure you are being scrupulously honest and not making promises you cannot or have no desire to keep  
If you lose interest in the other party, don't string them along  
If all you want is cyber or erotic emails or steamy online chat that's fine… just make sure that is what the other party is after  
 
Be cautious about giving out personal information  
Most reasonable people will understand a reluctance to give out your personal information  
The ability to talk over the net is a wonderful thing… make the most of it!  
Use mobile phones rather than landlines… particularly in the early days  
Talk to other people, find out if anyone has met this individual – difficult with an LDR I realise  
 
 
Check out the other party as much as possible  
Call the numbers you are given  
If you are given an address check it out  
If you know (and trust) someone in that area ask them to check it out for you  
 
 
Meet the other party as soon as possible  
If you neither of you want to meet that's fine… but if you do then get it out of the way before there is too much emotional investment on either part.  
If the physical chemistry isn't there (and if that is important to you) then you want to know about it sooner rather than later  
 
 
DON'T  
 
Tell lies about what you are looking for  
That includes lying to yourself in order to fulfill the other party's ideal (you will get bored, fed-up, frustrated or irritated if you commit yourself to something you have no real interest in)  
If you find that what you are looking for changes (because we can all change our minds) then be honest about it and tell the other party  
 
 
Take sole responsibility for making the relationship work  
Online or r/t, BDSM or nilla, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work  
 
 
Commit yourself mentally to the first person to come along  
This applies particularly if you are new to the net or chatrooms or BDSM  
Anything worth having is worth waiting for  
 
 
This is not a definitive list by any means and if you have anything to add then I am sure MC and Circe would love to hear from you.  
 
In the past 18 months, particularly, I have seen a number of fledgling relationships blossom into 'the real thing', I have also seen some quite dramatic failures. I have seen people made incredibly happy and satisfied by things begun online and I have seen other's betrayed by those who have been less than honest about their personal circumstances and intentions. I have also seen those who are being manipulated with scant care being taken for their emotional well being.  
 
To the former I wish you well, to the latter I wish you future happiness and to all those still seeking I wish you luck.  
 
 
Doing It Online First things first… I'm not setting myself up here as some kind of an exp

6/7/2010 6:14:42 AM
CONVERSIONS  
(This is based on a real life question about the possibility of converting a vanilla person toward the kink lifestyle known as D/s BDSM. I will not address the ethics of whether or not one should consider this but instead look at the possibilities.)  
So, you head into the deli next to your office building at lunch and on your way up to the crowded counter you almost trip over her. (I will explore the female for this article) You take one look at her and want to 'Dom' her. The thought both embarrasses and intrigues you. (I will assume here that you have enough chutzpah to engage her in conversation and invite her out.)  
The core of the situation is your desire to introduce a 'vanilla' person into D/s. I will explore a few dynamics first. Vanilla is a loose term we use to identify those outside the D/s BDSM world. Beyond that, it has virtually no other meaning in this context. Human females (in the United States) have been raised in a patriarchal society where the Father figure was head of household, women were expected to mind, tend and manage the household and in general adhered to ancient traditional roles. In the later half of this century there was a huge push to have 'the American Dream' which included a big house, a couple cars, a TV, nice furniture and a couple kids in a nice suburban neighborhood. In order to 'finance' this 'Dream' it became necessary for business or industry to redefine the roles. These industries piggybacked upon old-time female suffragette movements to 'free' the American female and send her into the workforce by the millions. The American female bought 'into' this new freedom and equality and leaped. Only, a few problems occurred. Among these were a loss of family integrity, an emasculation of the woman's femininity, conflict between male and female and a blurring of the lines. Women found they were told to 'dress like men' in order to get ahead, and when they did they became 'bitches'. Men were told to 'be more sensitive' and don't look at a woman in an admiring way or you will be brought up on harassment charges. Both genders were forced into roles that didn't fit well. The long and short of this history lesson is this, divorce rates skyrocketed, children detached or did not bond to biological parents and the incidence of crime escalated, the 'Dream' remained unattainable since the instinctive imperatives inside the 'female' never left. She no longer was in charge of just managing a house, home and family, she was now required to take on the role of her 'missing mate' as well.  
The most popular type of book sold to the adult female in the United States today is the romance novel. Inside this novel the woman is strong yet vulnerable, the man strong, powerful, mysterious and virtuous. The woman struggles, the man captures. This is what a majority of the women struggling with mangled lives yearn for. Someone to pay them attention, to care enough to sit on them when they go off the deep end, loving enough to hold them tightly when shit hits the fan. Gee...sounds sorta like that woman is looking for a Dominant.  
Each of us share these traits and longings to some extent. You can assume that the woman in the deli is human. If she is single she probably has a desire to have someone in her life to love. There is also a strong likelihood that she has a yearning somewhere in her heart to be 'swept away' by a man. Ok, what does this mean to you? First, women like men who dress sharp, clean, dark and mysterious. Be available and reclusive (women love mysteries). Behave in a gentlemanly way, (insist on opening doors, taking her elbow, etc.) If you don't know what this is look up a good book on etiquette. Pay attention! Women love attention, they also like to be chased. Tell her that you come from a long line of strong men and that you enjoy wonderfully feminine women. Be attentive and aloof. (dress dark and masculine) Do not move quickly toward sex. Show you are interested by kissing (really well and don't keep your mouth open like a fish), be tactile and touch her arms a lot and occasionally brush her butt. If you get to the point where you know she is building 'feelings' for you...tell her you need to have a serious talk with her and arrange a nice but quiet private evening. At that meeting tell her that you are a very physical lover, you enjoy being male and 'taking' your woman somewhat more 'forcefully' than would be considered normal. You would like for your relationship to progress deeper for 'you' are developing feelings for her but you are an 'honorable' man and feel it is incumbent on you to tell her of your nature before progressing further with the relationship.  
She will be very curious, a little afraid, nervous, excited and probably aroused. When she tries to query you further give her a book, something like the 'Story of 'O'' Tell her you thought 9 1/2 weeks was one of the most erotic love stories ever written. Suggest watching it together (have a tape). At that point slowly lead her into what is probably a strong latent fantasy for her. Go slowly, remain mysterious and loving. If she has the capacity and desire to convert - she will. If she understands that you will value her more if she flows into those ancient roles, then she is more likely to consider doing so. Be honest, direct and sincere. Go slow!  
Women fear diminishment of status, loss of personal integrity, loss of marriageability (equated to puritanical practices).  
(Essentially, I have never looked at a man that I didn't believe carried a hidden desire to be 'taken' by a strong woman. I think some of the dynamics between men and women are different and some are very very similar. I have never been rejected by being direct with a stranger, by walking up to him and telling him he is attractive as hell. I believe the core of this is attention, human's flourish under the attentions of others, there is perhaps an instinctual desire to please and be found pleasing. A want, need and desire to be wanted, needed and desired. S/m is not as far out as people want to believe it is, dominant sexual practices have been the 'norm' for hundreds of thousands of years. Be considerate, courteous and honest. If you are, those traits will communicate to others.)  
CONVERSIONS (This is based on a real life question about the possibility of converting a vani

6/7/2010 6:10:27 AM
Collars & The 5 Stages of a D/s Relationship...  
 
Collars and The 5 stages of a D\s relationship:  
===============================  
Before I begin with the subject: I feel that I should give you some insight into how I view and accept the D\s lifestyle so you can better understand my personal views upon Collaring. Please keep in mind that each of us is different and what works for one may not for another. D\s is a varied lifestyle that is easily accommodating to many different tastes and desires: Within this page I wish to share a small aspect of D\s that I have chosen as my reflection of the lifestyle...  
Many know of me and my heavy strictness to the D\s ways as well as my strong demand from those that come here to learn of and be D\s in nature. (Rumor has it that many fear me for my strictness grins.) I demand respect and honor not only for the Dom but equally so for the sub. If one can not respect the other then the other is not required to respect the one. D\s only works properly when Both give to it equally...  
BDSM = Bondage, Dominance\Submission, Sadistizm\Machonistism. I love and crave control and responsibilty for one thus: I have choosen Dominance\submission as my focal point within the D\s lifestyle and place that first before the addition of the kinkier bodily aspects. So, to me, D\s is the first layer of the BDSM multi-leveled lifestyle and the ropes, pain\pleasure, Sadistizm\Machonistism as the lower levels...  
Each lower level supports and binds all the others together and is all connected to the top D\s level which is made up of open communications = total Honesty = total trust = a total commitment of love filled with honor and respect to each mate...  
I am not one to go into a BDSM club, grab an available sub and say: You are to totally trust me for the next two hours and then go our separate ways after our momentary cravings are satified. Just not into one night stands\scenes... ...  
On-line D\s is the same way: you can find many players\pretenders\wannabies and predators that are all out for their own self gratification or you can take your time and eventually find a truelly D\s love connection. The choice is always yours...  
To me: D\s is based upon a vanilla marriage where love and trust has brought the couple together, but D\s is more for the sub gives not only her heart to her husband\Dom\Master: she litterally places her very life into his hands for safe keeping thus the binding ties of open communication, honesty, trust and love run a hundred times stronger...  
Also: with such strength, the BDSM parts of the relationship are much more rewarding...  
 
Okay. so how does this all tie in with Collars?  
I see the Collar as the ultimate and final phase of TPE (Total Power Exchange). NOTE: TPE is seen as true in different ways, depending upon the couple in the relationship.  
Collaring is never taken lightly by those who truly honor their love and respect for the D/s lifestyle and the significance of the collar is never forgotten. It's not a decision that's made quickly and tossed aside in a week or two. We see too much of that kind of thing online everyday and I hope that this will give you something to consider before you jump into one just because it seems like the thing to do. It's a commitment that should bind a couple together for a lifetime. Be sure you are ready to uphold the traditions behind that band of metal or leather before offering or accepting it.  
Very few things in our lifestyle are more significant than the collar worn by an 'owned' submissive. It is the outward symbol of the commitment made by the dominant and submissive and marks her/him as the property of another, much the same way a wedding ring does for our vanilla counterparts.  
We all know what it's like to be lonely, but please, DON'T just throw yourself away on the first available relationship. Way to many subs get all glassey-eyed and arroused emotionally at the very hint of being collared and don't stop to learn of it's traditional aspects along with the honor and respect that a Collar demands of those true to D/s ways...  
 
3 Main Collars  
There are 3 main collars used in Real Time: Collar of Consideration, Training Collar and The Formal or Slave Collar. I will briefly outline each of these, for a more indepth explamation of these collars etc., feel free to visit my Sub Help #1 page for several links listed in the Collaring catagory pertaining to collars\collaring...  
All three of these collars are given in real life, between live persons actively interacting in or forming serious D\s relationships.  
In recent years we have seen the creation of what I can only call the 'cyber collar'. This creation attempts to mimic the real life collar but tends to be exchanged between those who are primarily BDSM cyber fetishers.  
Those using and exchanging these imaginary collars tend to appear and vanish like shadows in the mist, lacking the primary reality and substance that is so much a part of the BDSM world. The presence of the cyber collar and it's apparent implications for those newly exploring the lifestyle tend to diminish what is a serious exchange in the real world.  
I have seen so-called Doms that have takened and collared a new, different sub on the average of one per week. D/s is a widely honored and respected life style and this kind of treatment of the binding 'Collar' is a disgraceful act.  
For you new Doms or subs, recognize that the internet is a tool which augments and gives you access into a real world. If you wish to remain cyber that is your free choice but try to respect the world that you mimic.  
NOTE: There are exceptions with these 'cyber' collars, mainly those that have been able to go from VP to R/t living together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... These are real D/s couples that have survived the rigors of the typed word and usual misunderstandings that come from not having anything else but words alone to base the speaker's intended meaning upon. I give my greatest respect to these few for they have done what I have tried with 3 different Master\sub relationships and failed at...  
 
5 Stages of a Relationship  
There are 5 stages to becoming a Master or owned sub\slave: Stage 1 = Friendship. Stage 2 = the companion. Stage 3 = Exploring\courtship. Stage 4 = My sir \ My Pet. Stage 5 = Master\sub\slave.  
These 3 collars go hand in hand with the 5 stages of becoming a Master(ed)\sub\slave... Please refer to my Home page for a further explamation of the stages.  
Sir-Robin's Submissive Help Page #1  
 
 
Collar of Consideration vs. Stage 3:  
Stage 3 can be seen as the Training Collar period where the Dom begins to show his sub-to-be what he will be like and what he expects of her. PPE (Partial Power Exchange) begins here, each testing the other for compatibility and worthiness. As she begins to slowly give more of her submission to him, he teaches her the many aspects of the D/s life style as well as the basics involved for a sub to eventually go to stage 5: Master\sub joining...  
Understand that I am talking of a true D\s relationship which is based upon a vanilla marriage of love and trust and commitment and NOT of a BDSM joining which is more based upon the kinkier aspects where a Dom and sub come together primarily to be able to satify their cravings for the Pain\Pleasure rituals and driving need to be owned and to own for a time.  
The first collar offered is called the 'Collar of Consideration'. This name comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane and Consentual code. This Collar is traditionally given at the very beginning of a potential relationship. The traditional or customary representation of the 'Collar of Consideration' is a leather collar in some shade of blue. The actual shade of color is not as important as the color itself.  
The Dominant by offering this collar to the submissive (once the sub has petitioned the Dom for stage 3 and he has accepted her petition) is expressing an interest in pursuing a potential furthering of a relationship with that submissive beyond the range of a casual acquaintance or companion.  
The sub, by accepting the collar, indicates that she is now ready to make a serious commitment to what will become a very serious stage of the couples relationship. In vanilla form, they are moving into the steady boyfriend\gilrfriend dating area.  
The existance of the Collar of Consideration indicates to other Dominant's and submissives that the Dominant and submissive are forming a potentially serious relationship. It's existance acts to openly present to other Dominant's that this submissive is 'off-limits' for the duration of the 'consideration' period and that honorable Dominant's should not pursue this submissive in any manner.  
In VP: the words 'Exploring with...' in one's bios is basically saying the same thing to other Doms and submissives. Any Dom or sub aproaching an 'exploring or Collared' Dom or sub in a pursuing manner should be exposed to the VP D/s community as one having no respect or honor for the D/s life style, as they are marked in the real time D/s community.  
Respect for new relationships is shown by adhering to the presence of collars and their underlying meanings. The 'Collar of Consideration' does not indicate a lifelong commitment between the Dominant and submissive but might be better considered to be similar to a pre-engagement ring.  
The collar is the property OF the Dominant. It should be purchased, acquired or made BY the Dominant, for the Dominant. Upon the severance of the relationship it should be rightfully returned to it's owner. It is considered disrespectful for the submissive to keep the collar. She is obligated to try repeatedly to return it to the Dom's hands. She is to physically place it within his hands.  
If extensive attempts have been made to do so unsuccessfully then and ONLY then should the submissive retain the collar.  
 
Training Collar vs. Stage 4:  
The Training Collar represents the second collar exchanged between a Dominant and a submissive. The 'Training' collar is offered by the Dominant after they have engaged in a period of time where they have held extensive conversations with the submissive and explored characteristics, traits, interests, desires and lifestyles to see if they consider themselves to be a good match in enough areas to move into a relationship of deeper commitment. (Again: after the sub has petitioned the dom and he has accepted to move into stage 4) They will generally have engaged in many of the vanilla aspects of the relationship as well as commenced with some light sceneing to explore the beginning limits that the submissive may possess.  
The traditional Training collar is often made of leather. It is generally very plain and may be either red or black. Many Dominants alternatively offer a training collar in chain. Due to the sub's dailey activities outside the home: collars can be respresnted by various wrist or ankle jewelry. Or even a waist chain or belt...  
The Contract establishing both the Dom's and sub's wants, needs, limits etc., is now extensively worked on by both parties during this stage. Many of the beginning items for the contract have been established during stage 3...  
The acceptance of this collar by the submissive indicates that the submissive agrees to pursue a much deeper relationship with the Dominant which will or may involve , serious feelings, emotions, commitments and responsibilities. It can be equated fairly well to an engagement ring.  
Most Dominant's and submissives enter deeper emotional stages at this point and may begin to express true devotion, love, honor and mutual respect. In many ways this is where the relationship is truly tested physically, mentally and emotionally.  
It is at this stage that adaptation problems generally occur the most. The newly-joined stage is over (stage 3) and in many cases people tend to express themselves in a more open fashion. Trusting their mate to know them enough to understand and accept their more direct bluntness rather than dancing around and having to use 'kid's gloves' on each other in fear of causing the other to misunderstand them or to take one's loving constructiveness as a personal attack.  
It is at this point that many submissives find themselves 'acting-out' against their Dominant as they attempt to reconcile the internal conflicts of true commitment and submission.  
NOTE: See my link on: Submissive Rebound...  
On the other hand: a Dominant in this stage can struggle with feelings of resentment, excessive responsibility and a reduction in personal freedom.  
Both parties will find that they may test their partner strenuously to see if their partner's commitment is solid and strong. There is always an element of fear in the creation of relationships and insecurities and doubts. Facing these and overcoming them is necessary before the Dominant and submissive can even consider taking their relationship the final steps toward a 'Formal' collar.  
 
The Formal Collar or Slave Collar vs. Stage 5:  
The Formal Collar (frequently called the Slave Collar) is the representation of the final stage of commitment between the Dominant and submissive. This collar is offered after the Dominant and submissive have progressed through the 'Collar of Consideration' and the 'Training Collar'.  
The Formal Collar is offered by the Dominant with the intent to formalize the bond and attachment between themselves and their submissive. (After the sub once again petitions the Dom to become her Master and he accepts).  
With many couples this collar is given in conjunction with a proposal of marriage. It's weight within the community is equivocal to the wedding ring. The acceptance of this collar by the submissive is an open, voluntary offering of their complete submission to the Dominant from that day forward.  
At this stage in the collaring process often the Dominant and submissive feel the same deep love that any vanilla couple might feel coupled to the trust, respect and commitment so crucial in the D/s lifestyle. To be invited to attend a D/s Formal Collaring is similar to being invited to a wedding.  
It is a recognition of commitment, deep emotional feelings, devotion, mutual respect and consideration. It expresses a belief that the Dominant and submissive share similar ideals and a genuine and growing desire to share each others lives over perhaps the rest of their lives.  
The traditional appearance of the Slave Collar is a collar made of black leather or metal which is adorned by brass or silver objects or designs. This collar is created specifically FOR the individual submissive and is often an original design.  
The presentation of this collar often involves a joyous celebration including an exchange of vows, benediction by a minister, the singing of a mutually admired song etc. Many couples write their own poetry, vows and promises to each other which are exchanged publically as they dedicate themselves to each other.  
In Real Time: many couples choose to engage in the placement of permanent body markings upon the submissive at this time. This can be via tattoo's, piercings, brandings, cuttings etc. Some ceremonies will include a carefully designed public scene so that the guests can visually enjoy and participate in this union and bond by watching the permanent marking in its application. This is a serious decision by both people often arrived at after years of searching and in many cases after living together for a long period of time to make sure that their choice is sound.  
 
Conclusion  
In conclusion: for you on line subs: Before accepting a collar, *step out of sub-space* and *talk* with your would-be Dom/me. Also: go to the many collaring pages and learn just what it is that you are about to accept and the Honor and respect the Collar demands of one...  
And for you on-line Dom/mes: Don't be too hasty to collect a new sub; make sure the sub understands what is to be expected, what sorts of things are to be done, and that this is in accord with the sub's desires. Be aware that a sub may be too much enamored of being a sub to be forthcoming; it may be necessary to be plain-spoken and not speak in a Dommish manner, in order to get straight answers.  
 
Collars & The 5 Stages of a D/s Relationship... Collars and The 5 stages of a D\s relations

6/7/2010 5:49:20 AM
A Collar and Its Many Meanings  
I read this and wanted to pass it along  
 
A collar in BDSM symbolizes a commitment that has often been compared to a wedding ring. This type of commitment comes in other forms, such as a brand, a tattoo, a piercing.... Each symbolizing the pledge of the Dominant to their submissive to protect, love and cherish them. When the submissive accepts the collar, the submissive surrenders to the Dominant and makes a promise to be devoted and loyal. Some collars are made with no clasp to signify the never ending love of the relationship. Other collars have a ring to attach a leash and a place for an engraved tag or pendant to show ownership. The collar is to be worn in the presence of the Dominant at all times. When apart, all the submissive needs to do is touch it to be reminded of the bond they share. Each collaring is a unique symbol of love, respect and a bond between two people who care greatly for each other. In these pages the members of #submission would like to share their unique collaring with you....  
...From a submissive  
I was asked to write an article on collars/collaring. I told KttN no one would be interested in what I had to say about the subject. I've only been collared once in almost 4 years of being involved in D/s and have not worn a collar in almost a year and a half. This does not exactly make me an authority on the subject, though it does make me an anomaly in the online D/s community where there are those who change collars more often than most people change their socks.  
 
A collar means different things to different people. Each unique relationship defines it in their own way. It truly doesn't matter if anyone else understands their particular significance as long as the two involved mutually agree and understand it. That being true, no one can give a definitive explaination of what a collar is or what it is supposed to signify. Only within our own hearts and within each relationship can we do that. What follows are my thoughts, feelings and perceptions. No one else's.  
 
Some liken a collar to wedding ring which is an easy and convenient analogy. A collar around the neck is an outward symbol of ownership and commitment just like a wedding ring signifies to all that the person wearing it is 'taken'.  
 
But I believe the similarities end there. A wedding ring binds two people in a court of law, but doesn't necessarily mean anything more. Not every marriage is merely a formality by any stretch of the imagination, but we've all seen loveless marriages of convenience or marriages filled with neglect and abuse to illustrate the point.  
I humbly believe a collar binds two hearts, two souls together at a much deeper level then a mere wedding ring ever can. Where a wedding ring is but placed upon a finger and a piece of paper is signed, legally obligating the two parties to one another, a collar isn't merely placed around a neck. It is secured around one's heart.  
 
A collar symbolizes not only ownership, commitment, love and devotion, but embodies the qualities of honor, respect and trust. As a submissive, when I accept a collar, I pledge to focus my entire being on Master, making His pleasure my joy. It symbolizes Him becoming the center of my universe, my island where I can retreat to, to find peace, pleasure, comfort and strength before heading back out into the world. It represents my promise to honor Him with my every word and action, to take Him into my heart and soul and carry Him with me all the days of my life. A collar is a tangible reminder of 'home', the only place I truly belong...at Master's feet...the one place I can truly be me, free to explore and express my heart and desires without fear.  
 
The advent of the internet and IRC has lead to many changes within the D/s community, primarily in making information accessible and providing a place for exploration. Computers are a safe place to explore. One can 'try on' new feelings and explore different scenarios in the comfort of their living rooms without really having to experience the sting of a whip and each person has the ability to turn off their computer and walk away if uncomfortable. This has brought into the D/s community scores of people who are merely curious or who view an evening on IRC in a bdsm channel as an entertaining diversion from their mundane lives.  
The popularity and ease of the internet has sometimes obscured the real significance of a collar, even though, most surely, most are seeking those deeper joys. The result is that all too often on IRC, collars are trivialized. There is no honor, no commitment as many participate in what is often referred to as the 'Collar of the Month Club.' I know my even mentioning this fact will anger many, but I speak the truth and everyone has seen it themselves whether they can be honest enough to admit it or not.  
How often do we see bored housewives, clearly unfaithful (at least in thought if not in deed) to their husbands, parading their {collar} on a channel while sanctimoniously declaring their abiding love and fidelity to a man they've never laid eyes on and never intend to meet? How often do we see men hitting on anything female (pulse is optional to some) and collaring the first woman to say yes just to get off on some cybersex? Where is the honor, respect, beauty and symbolism in the collar, let alone in the relationship, in these situations?  
Not all relationships or collarings on IRC are as I've described. For many IRC is also a springboard to real life encounters and has it's place as a mode of communication in long distance relationships. There are many who, for whatever reason, cannot explore D/s in their real life and IRC is their only outlet for expression.  
 
Their heart is sincere, their feelings very real. In such cases the bond forged over time leading to a collaring online can produce just as deep and just as intense an emotional/ spiritual relationship as can be obtained in real life. (Though I venture to say, in online only relationships, something is always missing due to the lack of actual physical touch or something so simple, yet so vital, as being able to look into someone's eyes.)  
Before one can even begin to consider collaring or be collared, I believe a few things are necessary such as honesty with self and excellent communications skills. Honesty with self means being able to look deep inside, acknowledging who and what you are, accepting that, being that to the best of your abilities and then to communicate that sense of self to your partner. There is no dishonor in being honest. If you are Dominant or submissive, admit it and embrace it. Some aren't Dominant or submissive, but are just people who enjoy kinky or rough sex. Others truly are but cannot take it to real life. Some are just bored and view D/s as entertainment. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and with your partner before offering or accepting that collar. If one cannot do that, then the result is strangers coming together briefly, both quickly growing disillusioned or worse yet, being hurt, then left wondering what went wrong...'this time'.  
Be honest with yourself, not only about who and what you are, but about what your needs are. Are you looking for a casual, no strings attached play partner? Are you looking for online only or to move to real time? Are you looking for part-time D/s or a 24/7 relationship? How much time and attention do you sincerely need in order to feel secure in a relationship? Are your basic needs primarily sexual in nature, more emotional/spiritual or a combination? These questions need to be answered and then one needs to communicate the answers to their partner *before* collaring.  
Know yourself first and then take the time to get to know your partner. Anyone who tries to rush you into a collaring, must have their motives suspect. All good things take time and there is never a reason to rush into any relationship, especially one as serious as a collar. If someone tries to force or press the issue and you aren't ready, take a step back and assess the situation.  
This is a huge red flag. What is it this person really wants? Do they just want a little cybersex, a little excitement, to get off? Are they just so desperate not to be alone? Do they feel the need to fit in, peer pressure, so want to collar or be collared to be part of the 'in crowd'? Is this a game for them, a conquest? Are they on the rebound? A sincere D/s relationship takes time.  
A collar is not a play thing. It is not equivalent to 'going steady' nor is it a status symbol. A collaring is a serious contract, if you will, between two parties pledging their love and devotion to one another. It should never be entered into lightly, but only after great forethought and taking the time to get to know one another extremely well. In accepting a collar, a submissive pledges to give her entire heart, mind, body and soul to another, to surrender completely to Him. In offering a collar a Master agrees to cherish, protect, nurture and care for the submissive in all ways, to appreciate and never abuse the gift He has been given.  
A collar embodies the heart and soul of both the Master and the submissive. For me, I will accept no collar until that Master not only owns my heart, but has become my soul. cinnamon^  
From a Dominant...  
 
Greetings, to many I am known as Sir Michael and have frequented the online lifestyle of BDSM for well over the past year. As of late, I have come to view #submission on EFNet as my home. You will find many good people there with interests in the BDSM, or D/s lifestyle, whether it be online, R/L or both. If you are new to this world, be patient, observe, and above all else, be polite. Those three actions will do more than anything else to bring you the friendship of the regulars you will meet there or, for that matter, in any other similar IRC channel you may choose to enter.  
Like you, I was once new to this and took what I first saw for granted, not realizing how complex this world can actually be, no less complex than the emotions and feelings of the multitude of individuals you will find yourself dealing with. Remember, especially if you are a new guest, that this is not a video game where upon logging off, all is neatly tucked away and reset for future play. For every nick (name) you see in channel, there is a real person attached to it and anything you say or actions you portray will be remembered. No less than in the 'real world'.  
 
Please pardon me for I take this subject very seriously and if allowed will ramble on forever, turning into quite the bore I am afraid. Therefore, I will get on to what I am writing of; the collar.  
I was asked to express a Dominant's opinion/view of what a 'collar' symbolizes and I hope what follows are the general views of all other Dom/Domme's out there, even though there are bound to be slight variations. Therefore, remember that these words are my own and no others and may not express the views of all involved.  
The collar is never taken lightly by those who consider themselves true followers of the D/s lifestyle and should never be treated as such. For me it has no less significance than a wedding ring does to others; a symbol of love, respect, and the sealing of a bond between two people who care greatly for and/or love each other. It is not a thing to be rushed into with casual disregard for the feelings of the other upon whom you have placed it or accepted it from. It is not a thing to be taken one day and then casually discarded a week or two later, no more than a wedding ring should be.  
All too often I see just this sort of thing take place online and for myself, as well as others who take their D/s world seriously, find it a great irritation to watch those less experienced do so, often at the cost of another's feelings and upset. To quote a few lines from another Dom, because I cannot say it any better, 'I hope that this will give you something to consider before you jump into one just because it seems like the thing to do. It's a commitment that should bind a couple together for a lifetime. Be sure you are ready to uphold the traditions behind that band of metal or leather before offering or accepting it.'  
 
When a sub gives her/himself to you, to do as you see fit, it is a very special and beautiful gift. She, or he, is not an inanimate object to be treated with disdain or a doormat to wipe your feet on. They submit to you because he or she has chosen to give a priceless gift to one they have found worthy of receiving it, don't make the sad mistake of abusing that. It is not an obligation, so do not expect it simply because you are a Dom/Domme. Neither can it be bought or forced from another, only given.  
 
A Dom/Domme should guide and teach their subs with a firm but controlling hand. As the Dominant, the decisions are in your hands, not only for your pleasure and desires, but remembering to keep the feelings and desires of both parties in mind The sub has not given him/herself to you to be exploited, but rather to be protected, disciplined when necessary for their own good, cherished for the gift they have given you. Remember that the tongue can be as sharp as a scalpel. Would you take that same scalpel to a Rembrandt?  
 
When a sub accepts a collar, the bond between sub and Master is only intensified more so because now that sub has given him or herself to you and you only, trusting you entirely to guide and direct as you see fit. For the sub, the Dom has done the same, displaying that he or she wishes no other to be with more than you.  
 
Once accepted, a collar is forever and unless the day comes when the sub decides to be rid of it or the Master takes it back, sad but it happens, it should be worn and honored at all times. I have seen where a collared sub may come into the channel or another with an alternate nick, hence, without the collar, so that they may 'play' around without bringing criticism down upon themselves or their Master knowing of it. To me this is no different than a married man or woman who would leave their wedding band at home and go out for the evening, portraying themselves as available when they may very well not be. No different is it as well for a Dom/Domme who, when his or her collared sub is offline, engages in activities that would be upsetting to the sub were he or she to know of it. Any such activity should be well discussed and any agreements resolved well before the collaring takes place  
Anything less is a direct abuse of a sacred trust. And without trust, you have nothing.  
Trust...... an interesting word that is so often taken for granted yet should be viewed as a priceless and rare gift; no amount of money bearing any comparison to such value. Do not take it lightly, for once damaged; one rarely ever gets it back in the same condition as before, if ever.  
 
These words may bare strong resemblance to others you have seen elsewhere for I have viewed many sites that strongly convey my feelings on this matter. I could go on and on but I think you may now have the gist of just how serious a collar is to those who take this life style seriously and by abusing it will bring nothing but disdain and scorn down upon yourself from those who call this world home.  
 
I am going to borrow the words I read on another site and I hope the author will not mind but I use them in an effort to guide those who may be new to our world to hopefully see them become respected and honored members of the D/s genreí.  
The key elements for D/s to work, with or without a collar are considered to be:  
 
full and entire honesty  
mutual respect  
mutual pleasure  
pride and dignity  
strong character  
love and affection  
Not to mention that these wouldn't be bad traits to apply in any relationship involving another whom you care for, D/s or otherwise.  
There are many more things I am tempted to express myself upon but discipline myself to keeping this directed on the subject of the collar, therefore, give some thought to my words. Do not take the collar lightly, and welcome to the very special and exciting world of D/s. SrMichael  
...From a submissive  
The Lord and lady  
He is her Lord, she is His lady.  
Conecting with a caress,  
an inspirational kiss, a wanting touch.  
He possesses the strong yet gentle  
hand she has so longed for.  
she yields the desire willingly  
that He has yearned for.  
B/both have a majestic gift  
to offer each other.  
Where ever He is gracious enough to led,  
she will be grateful enough to follow  
with out question.  
A desire to capture heart, mind,  
body, and soul.  
A desire to surrender heart, mind,  
body, and soul.  
They combine in a soft slow dance  
that holds them B/both.  
They unite in the Lord and lady.  
euphoria  
A Collar and Its Many Meanings I read this and wanted to pass it along A collar in BDSM sy

6/6/2010 5:06:17 PM
Master  
 
'You fill me...with thoughts, desires, needs,  
I never knew I had..'  
 
 
 
You engulf my soul....  
 
You take my body for your use...  
 
You fill me...with thoughts, desires, and needs...  
 
I never knew I had..  
 
You make me want....to let go  
 
Let go of all I have known...  
 
Give all I am to your desire..  
 
You take my voice...  
 
My mouth opens to speak..  
 
And you claim it as your own..  
 
Filling me with your tongue..  
 
My eyes fill with unspent emotions...  
 
Drawn to the surface by your safe hand..  
 
Your gentlest caress...  
 
Your harshest pain...  
 
Releasing myself to you..  
 
My mind, intelligent and strong...  
 
My soul, kind and soft...  
 
My body, beautiful, soft, kneeling  
 
My spirit, open, flowing to you  
 
You are indeed my Master...  
 
You are the one, in whose care I am safe  
 
Safe enough to be me...  
 
You are the one, in whose care I find trust  
 
Trusting you fully, with my thoughts and desires  
 
You are the one, in whose care I find strength  
 
Strength in my soul, my spirit, my body...  
 
I am yours...  
Master 'You fill me...with thoughts, desires, needs, I never knew I had..' You en

6/6/2010 4:58:31 PM
Giving Erotic Massage  
 
Relaxing Your Partner's Body  
 
Start by connecting with your partner. There may be specific ways you and your partner prefer to do this. If not, try kind words, soft gazing into each other's eyes, synchronized breathing, and/or caressing each others' faces or hands.  
When both of you are ready, have your partner lie face down, naked, on the massage table. Start by quieting and focusing your mind while resting your hands on the receiving partner's upper and lower back. Then, perform a relaxing massage on the back, legs, and feet. Basic principles of relaxing massage include keeping your hands in contact with your partner, taking your time, being rhythmic yet sensitive, and proceeding from long gliding strokes to deeper ones. When giving a massage be sure to use good body mechanics: use your body weight rather than arm strength for deep strokes, during gliding strokes keep your knees slightly bent and fluid, and don't lean over the table.  
After relaxing your partner's back, legs, and feet, have him or her turn over. Massage the chest, arms, and hands. Then glide down to the legs. It can feel good to brush the genitals when going down to the legs. After finishing the fronts of the legs and feet, glide back up and slowly brush over the genitals, teasing them. This teasing process can be drawn out by brushing the inner thighs near the genitals, very lightly touching the pubic region, etc. At this point erotic energy is often building, making it a natural time to start shifting the focus to more explicitly sexual activities.  
Especially if this is your first massage with this partner, it's a good idea to look into your partner's eyes while cradling his or her genitals, and somehow ask his or her permission to go further. The rest of the massage will focus on the genitals, with periodic sweeps up and down the body to spread, balance, and integrate the sensations. One of the skills that comes with practice is being able to read the energy and arousal levels of your partner, and smoothly and gradually ramp up from relaxing massage to more arousing and sexual massage.  
Pleasuring Your Partner's Sex Centers  
 
Male  
Introduction  
The basic principle of male genital massage is that you should slow down, stop, or change what you are doing just before ejaculation becomes inevitable. The best way to accomplish this is for the man to give a signal just before this point is reached. Verbal cues, raising a hand, pulling away slightly, or even subtle body language cues can all work well. This repeated 'peaking' process can sometimes help men learn to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating, and can also be practiced during solo masturbation. Although delaying ejaculation during the course of the massage is desirable from the perspective of maximizing pleasure, many partners do like to finish the massage with one. Ejaculation provides a considerable spark of pleasure, but can leave men too fatigued to enjoy the rest of the evening or do a good job massaging their partner; opposite-sex partners who like to finish male genital massage with ejaculation should have the woman receive her massage first.  
It's also fun to encourage your partner with hot talk (possibly weaving together a verbal fantasy based on your partner's desires). Letting your partner know verbally and non-verbally that you're actively enjoying his pleasure can be a powerful aphrodisiac.  
As an aside, it should be noted that a nice feature of male genital massage is that an erection is not required for it to feel good; some massage strokes actually feel BETTER when the penis is soft.  
Suggested Genital Massage Strokes  
There are many different massage strokes that feel good on male genitals. Unless he indicates otherwise, it's usually safe to assume that firm and consistent stroking will feel best. I'm going to present a few favorite strokes below, but you can make up your own, refer to Appendix A, or examine the resources in this guide's 'Learning More about Massage' section to learn dozens of additional strokes. One approach that some people favor is selecting two favorite strokes, and for a period of time alternating between them every once in a while.  
'Healing Stroke' - With the penis resting on the belly, cup the balls with one hand. The heel of the palm of the other hand glides up and down the underside of the penis all the way to the tip. (Body Electric School handout)  
'Anvil Stroke' - Bring one hand down, letting it stroke the penis from the top all the way to the bottom. When it hits the bottom, release it. Meanwhile bring your other hand to the top of the penis and repeat the stroke, creating an alternating motion. (internet Alt.Sex FAQ)  
'Climbing the Mountain' - Take the penis in one hand and gently, sensuously caress it for about ten seconds, then give it one quick up-and-down stroke. Repeat the sensuous caressing for about ten seconds (perhaps using slow up-and-down strokes), and then give the penis two quick up-and-down strokes. Repeat the caressing, then give three quick strokes, etc. Continue until ejaculation approaches inevitability. (SM 101, 2nd Ed.)  
Cocooning  
 
It's up to the two of you whether to finish with an ejaculation. If you do, then pleasuring can continue all the way through ejaculation and until your partner asks you to stop. At the end of the massage (whether or not there is an ejaculation), the sheet/blanket combination can be folded up over the person on the table to provide a warm cocoon. This can be a time of profound peace and contentment together.  
Female  
Introduction  
Female sexual response is often significantly different from male sexual response, in the following ways:  
1. Female arousal tends to be more closely tied to emotional states, and feelings of warmth towards her partner.  
2. Many women can come in two distinctly different ways: through G-Spot stimulation and through clitoral stimulation. Many women characterize the clitoral orgasms as 'sharper' and the G-Spot orgasms as 'deeper'.  
3. Women often vary considerably in what type of sexual stimulation they like, and how they like it done.  
4. Female arousal usually takes longer to build, but can often last longer and be more intense than that which men commonly experience.  
5. Women can often have multiple orgasms, if stimulation continues following the first (especially with G-Spot stimulation).  
It's because of #5 that the basic approach to erotic massage differs between women and men. Since women can sometimes enjoy stimulation all the way through one orgasm and into the next, there is little or no need for them to hold back in any way. Having orgasms in a series can cause arousal levels to float for a long time at a very high level.  
Suggested Types of Stimulation  
 
Women vary in their tastes concerning G-Spot and clitoral stimulation, so you need to be attentive and listen. A common preference is for their partners to begin with gentle rubbing over the entire vulva, to follow this with clitoral stimulation, and to finish with G-Spot stimulation or G-Spot AND clitoral stimulation. Please be aware that neither clitoral stimulation nor any sort of vaginal penetration usually feels good unless a woman is already in a fairly high state of arousal. When performing genital massage on women one often has a 'free hand' which may be used to glide over the rest of her body, tease her nipples, massage her perineum, caress her face, form 'connections' with other parts of her body (by stimulating some other part of her body at the same time as you are pleasuring her genitals), etc.  
Although the genital massage styles presented below are some of the most commonly favored among women, there are many more. Refer to Appendix B or examine the resources in this guide's 'Learning More' section for more ideas.  
'Clitoral' - When massaging her clitoris, learn what part of it feels best to her. Going in circles around it softly and rhythmically with a lubricated finger is a good way to proceed, at least until you get more specific feedback or until you uncover something that obviously feels better. Once you find something that feels great, consistency with it is often the key to further pleasure. Some women find that clitoral orgasms feel better if their vaginas are pleasantly filled: more fingers or an appropriately-sized dildo are good ways to accomplish this, though penetration of any kind usually doesn't feel good to someone who isn't aroused, so it probably isn't what she would want you to start right out with.  
'G-Spot' - The G-Spot is an area on the forward wall of the vagina, just behind the pubic bone about two inches in. A woman can often tell you when you've found her G-Spot, and it often feels more 'ridged' than the surrounding tissue. Pressing into it can be intensely pleasurable, but may cause a sensation of needing to urinate. Female ejaculation is sometimes a result of G-Spot stimulation; female ejaculate is NOT urine, but IS expelled through the urethra. One easy way to stimulate the G-Spot is with your (lubricated) first and second fingers together (possibly starting with just your first finger). Make rhythmic gestures inside the vagina that look like the signal to 'come here'. Alternatively, one can rub the G-Spot in a circular fashion. Generally, it's the pads of your fingers which are pressing into her G-Spot. Another approach is to rotate your fingers inside her vaginal barrel with even pressure against all areas of it. Be aware that the shape of the vagina changes as a woman's arousal level increases. You'll probably notice the inner portion ballooning outwards during extreme arousal, which means that your fingers will need to rotate a little farther from center in order to maintain the same pressure on the vaginal walls. G-spot stimulation usually only feels good when the woman is aroused.  
'Vibrator' - Vibrators generally work best on or near the clitoris. If the vibration is too intense, switch to a lower speed or put a cloth between the vibrator and her clitoris. It's OK to let your partner hold the vibrator. It's also fun for a vibrator to be used clitorally at the same time vaginal penetration is being performed. The most versatile vibrators are the standard plug-in models such as the Hitachi Magic Wand.  
'Verbal and Non-Verbal Encouragement' - It's helpful to encourage your partner with hot talk (possibly weaving together a verbal fantasy based on your partner's desires). Sexy complements, eye contact, etc. are also nice additions. Many sexual difficulties (especially for women, it seems) stem from worries: worrying that her partner is getting tired of pleasuring her, that she isn't coming fast enough, etc. Letting your receiving partner know verbally and non-verbally that you're actively enjoying giving her pleasure can be a powerful aphrodisiac for her.  
Cocooning  
 
It's nice to fold the sheet/blanket combination over your partner when you two are finished. This can be a time of profound peace and contentment together.  
Giving Erotic Massage Relaxing Your Partner's Body Start by connecting with your partner

6/6/2010 4:53:26 PM
Submissive Needs vs. Submissive Wants  
 
 
Polly wrote the following message on a mailing list she once belonged to, in response to another submissive's message. All information that might identify this woman or her situation has been removed.  
Someone said that when she tries to talk to her dominant and tell him what she needs, he seems to listen for a while, and things are good, but after a while he forgets and stops giving her what she needs.  
I wonder if it would help if she could try to describe some of the things she asks him for and also say why she thinks she needs these things (as opposed to merely wants them).  
For me, distinguishing between my needs and my wants is pretty important when it comes to feeling under my dominant's control. If I want something and Jon refuses to give it to me, I might think he is a cruddy dom (or even not a dominant at all) if I believe my want to be a strong submissive need. But actually, all he does when he refuses my want is to exercise his right as my dominant to do whatever he damn well pleases. If, however, something I really needed from him were not to be provided, that would be a very different story: I'd have to conclude that he isn't a good dominant or perhaps not the dominant for me, or perhaps not even a dominant at all.  
Here are some examples of things I call 'wants.' I have, in the past, confused some of these with 'needs.'  
• I want to play frequently, much more frequently than he chooses to.  
• I want him to do new things to me or more elaborate things to me than he already does.  
• I want him to do all those active things he is incapable of doing because of his physical disability.  
• I want him to do the same things to me--and with the same intensity--as he did during our first week together, when I was in 'submissive boot camp' and was being given a strong orientation. Sometimes I think that I just want to feel as intensely as I once did when I was new and exploring things.  
• I want him to act like one of those dominants in the fiction books: tie me up and chain me in a dark, cramped cell overnight; have me kneel at his feet every second of the day unless he has something else for me to do; whip me constantly, so I'm always bruised or welted; make me walk around naked or half-naked at all times; you know, all the usual fantasy crap. And I want him to do this every single day, not just on special occasions!  
• I want him to be meaner to me, more strict, more stern, more rigid, more demanding and not be so nice whenever I ask him for something. I want him to refuse me, arbitrarily, or just for fun.  
• I want him to give me away to be played with by other dominants whom I find sexually attractive and safe.  
• I want never to freak out or yell at him, never get upset, never get resistant, never feel like a bad submissive.  
• I want not to have to play that stupid card game that he likes so much virtually every stupid night of the year before we go to bed!  
• I want him always to know, instantly, the right thing to say to calm me down and bring me back to my submissive self when I am upset.  
 
I'm not going to go into why some of these wants are rather childish on my part (we'll save that for another message), but the point is that whether he satisfies these superficial desires on my part or not has little or nothing to do with his ability to dominate me. And it's the latter, his ability to dominate me, that I need. The rest of these things, much as I'd like some of them, I could be perfectly happy with living without, if I had to, for the rest of my life.  
So what are some of my needs?  
• I need to feel completely safe with him and to be able to trust him with anything I might bring up or that might happen. I need to be able to trust his stability and know that he won't freak out, no matter what I throw at him.  
• I need to feel actually controlled and owned and overpowered by someone who enjoys controlling another person and is not doing it simply to please me.  
• I need to know that when we have kinky sex he is truly sadistic and gets sexual enjoyment from doing what he does to me. It would crush me if I thought he were doing it just to 'get me off.'  
• I need to know I cannot get away or escape from him, even if I wanted to. (Believe it or not, for someone who is strongly submissive, this is part of her 'safety' need).  
• I need to feel obedient to him, and I need to know that he's in charge and making all the major decisions (not because I can't--making large decisions is easy and even fun for me--but because if I were to make them, I would feel like the one in control of the relationship, a feeling that I hate).  
• I need to know that I cannot bully him or push him or manipulate him or talk him into into doing whatever I want, into being some sort of perfect RoboDom.  
• I need to know he can solve any serious problems that come up between us.  
 
OK, that's enough needs. The primary way I distinguish between needs and wants is to ask myself, if I don't have this thing, will I be miserable, confused, hurt, frustrated, or unfulfilled permanently? Will I want to go out and seek someone else who does have it? If I can honestly answer these questions with a strong 'Yes,' I'm dealing with a need.  
It can be quite hard at times for a submissive to ask her dominant for what she wants because she may feel (incorrectly, I believe) that to ask for these things is unsubmissive or too aggressive or demanding, or that it means that she controls the relationship. If your dominant actually controls the relationship, he knows very well how to say 'No' when he wants to. And if he doesn't control the relationship, well, that's something you probably need to know before you travel any farther with him down what may be an emotional and sexual dead end. I think that a way you can begin to figure out whether you are being too demanding is to classify the various things that you want from your dominant into wants and needs. If mostly wants are not being met, maybe you need to rethink what the priorities are in a D&S relationship: is it so important that you always get your way, or rather, should it be the other way around? If it is mostly needs that are not being met, you might be with the wrong person, as such needs have to be met naturally and spontaneously by a dominant, not just as a favor to you, or because he is frightened of losing you, if both you and he are to be happy. If someone is actually dominant, he can usually meet the sorts of submissive needs I've listed above.  
Submissive Needs vs. Submissive Wants Polly wrote the following message on a mailing list

6/6/2010 4:40:43 PM
Developing sub/slave Training Programs Part 1: The Assessment Phase  
 
Opening Statement:  
 
It is an awesome responsibility when someone asks you for training. Novice Dominants often jump at the chance to prove their prowess without thinking about the time commitment and the entire scenario. This often leads to a mismatch in personalities and expectations. These undetected mismatches lead to training disasters, hurt feelings and tarnished reputations.  
 
In training situations, the Dominant holds the primary responsibility. Part of taking responsibility as a principle trainer is 'knowing' what your personal expectations are. What exactly do you want to get out of the situation? Then clearly communicating these expectations to the submissive.  
 
Present these expectations in early discussions and negotiations. It should be restated in the form of a written training contract.  
 
So, ask yourself two questions. 1) Am I willing to train for training sake? and 2) What do I want to get out of this.� Know what your expectations are before you entering into a training contract.  
 
Training Phases:  
 
For me submissive / slave training is basically broken down into two phases: The Assessment Phase and the Training Program.  
 
The Assessment Phase determines 1) if want to train a particular sub and 2) the answers gathered dictate the overall direction and structure of the training program.  
 
Assessments:  
 
Assessing Tendencies:  
 
It is equally important to determine the expectations and / or natural preponderance of the submissive. Some subs are hesitant to share this information. If they are attracted to you, they may not want to jeopardize the chance to get to know you better. Some honestly won�t know what to expect from a training session.  
 
This is a technique presented in the Miss Abernathy's books.  
 
Use simple question /answers quizzes can help reveal tendencies. They aren�t always 100% accurate but for the most part are revealing and useful. At first I used the ones in the book but as I saw how the questionnaires were constructed I created my own.  
 
Assessing Obedience & Willingness:  
 
Require written assignments. Make sure these assignments have a clearly defined deadline for completion.  
 
If a sub/slave has trouble obeying and working with you a reasonable deadline, they will never make it through a serious training program. Following directions is a critical part of any training and the 'written assignment' exercise reveals willingness to comply.  
 
If they fail consistently do not go forward with the training. This requirement will save you hours of wasted time and work.  
 
Three assignments: 1) Start with Miss Abernathy's Quiz. 2) 2/3 - Minute Quiz. and 3) start a slaves journal.  
 
Assessing Openness:  
 
Immediately place the trainee under a full disclosure policy. Under this rule you test the ability of the submissive to be open and honest. It is also an information-gathering tool for structuring training and play.  
 
Use this technique carefully. Depending on the type of training you are planning require an accounting of sexual preferences, (monogamous / poly relationships) fantasies, past encounters in the BDSM world, an accounting of things that have gone wrong and things that have gone right. At this juncture you are getting a read on fears, limits and determining strengths at this stage.  
 
It is equally important to know both spoken limitations and physiological limitations. This may come out in intimate discussions. What are the hard limits or are there any injuries you should be aware of.  
 
Risk Assessments  
 
Assessing Health Risk:  
 
Never embark on a training program of this type without assessing any health risk that may occur to you or your trainee. Set down and have a heart to heart talk about health issues.  
 
Assessing Work Risk:  
 
If a submissive is employed be sure to get look at the impact of such a training program will have on the work environment. Can the sub play in public or attend D/s affairs in the local area? Is there a danger an 'outing' would jeopardize a livelihood?  
 
Assessing Home Life:  
 
Is the sub married and does the spouse or significant other know about the subs interest in D/s? Does the sub vanilla friends now about the D/s interest and do they share there experiences with them? If the neighbors discovered the D/s interest would there be serious repercussions?  
 
Assessing Outside Professional�s Influences:  
 
Is the sub working with a spiritual councilor, therapist or psychologist? Are these professionals aware of and accepting of the D/s interest?  
 
Assessing Limits and Range:  
 
It important to get an idea of the range and limits of your play partner.  
 
Training Contracts:  
 
By the time you have finished this type of assessment you have an idea if you want to work with this trainee.  
 
Now is the time to consider the depth and time frame that you will spend with someone.  
Related Essays  
• Submissive's Sample Set of Positions for Memorization by Author Unknown  
• Guidelines for Conduct by Sergeant Major  
• Guidelines for Domestic Service by Sergeant Major  
• Controlling the Slave by lauraTV  
Developing sub/slave Training Programs Part 2: The Training Phase  
Developing sub/slave Training Programs Part 1: The Assessment Phase Opening Statement: I

6/6/2010 4:25:45 PM
BDSM Play Partner Checklist  
 
The more information a Top knows about their bottom, the safer and more exciting their playtime can be. Remember… communication is the key to all relationships, BDSM and vanilla alike!  
 
Below is a list of BDSM activities… please put 2 answers next to each item. Don’t be overwhelmed by this list. Take your time and answer as honestly and as best you can. Your answers will change over and over as you gain more experience in the scene. You should fill out this form every so often to let your Top know about new things you are interested/not interested in!  
 
The first answer should be, if you’ve ever tried that activity before  
• Yes = I have participated in this activity before  
• No = I have not participated in this activity before  
The second answer should be your interest in engaging in that activity on a scale of 0 – 5, NO,?, +, ! or a combination.  
• 0 = I have no interest/don’t like this, but would do it to please you.  
• 1 = Not very interesting/don’t really enjoy this too much.  
• 2 = This is OK,  
• 3 = This is nice/fun/interesting  
• 4 = I really enjoy/think I’ll enjoy this activity  
• 5 = I LOVE THIS/CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THIS  
• NO = Hard limit. I will not participate in this activity at all, at this time.  
• ? = Unfamiliar with this activity.  
• + = I’m scared of this but would possibly like to explore it.  
• ! = I’m embarrassed to admit I like this.  
Examples:  
Flogging: Yes/5 (Have done it before/LOVE IT!)  
Cutting: No/+ (Have never tried/scared of this but might like to try it)  
Golden Shower: No/5! (Have never done it/really exciting/embarrassed to admit it)  
Fluffernutting: No/? (Have never done it/what the heck is it????)  
Tickling: Yes/5+! (Have done this before/love it/scared of it/embarrassed I like it)  
Also please feel free to write any explanations or more information after your answers.  
 
Examples:  
Flogging: Yes/5 - I especially love to be flogged on my back!!!  
Tickling: Yes/5+! - My feet are my most ticklish place but I didn’t tell you that!  
 
Abrasion:  
Age Play:  
Anal Sex:  
Arm/Leg Sleeves:  
Asphyxiation:  
Beating hard:  
Beating soft:  
Begging/Pleading:  
Being Blindfolded:  
Being Gagged:  
Bestiality:  
Biting:  
Bondage (heavy):  
Bondage (light):  
Boot Worship:  
Branding:  
Breast bondage:  
Breast Whipping:  
Brown Showers/Scat (feces play):  
Caning:  
Catheterization:  
Chauffeuring:  
Choking:  
Chosen Clothing for:  
Chosen Food For:  
Clothespins:  
Cock Worship:  
Collars (wearing):  
Corsets (wearing):  
Cutting:  
Daddy Play:  
Dilation:  
Double Penetration:  
Electricity:  
Enemas:  
Examinations (physical):  
Exhibitionism:  
Face Slapping:  
Fantasy Gang Rape:  
Fantasy Rape:  
Fisting:  
Flogging (back):  
Flogging (butt):  
Following Orders:  
Foot Worship:  
Forced Dressing:  
Forced Homosexuality:  
Forced Masturbation:  
Forced Nudity:  
Forced Servitude:  
Full Head Hoods:  
Genital Sex:  
Given Away:  
Golden Showers (piss play):  
Hair Pulling:  
Hairbrushes:  
Hand Jobs:  
Handcuffs (metal):  
Harnessing:  
Head (getting):  
Head (giving):  
High Heel Worship:  
Homage With Tongue:  
Hot Waxing:  
Housework:  
Human Pony:  
Human Puppy:  
Humiliation In Private:  
Humiliation In Public:  
Ice Cubes:  
Including Others:  
Infantilism:  
Injections:  
Interrogations:  
Intricate Rope Bondage:  
Kidnapping:  
Kneeling:  
Leather Restraints:  
Lecturing:  
Licking:  
Massage(getting):  
Massage(giving):  
Medical Scenes:  
Mommy Play:  
Mouth Bits:  
Mummification(saran wrap etc):  
Nipple torment:(clamps etc.)  
Oral/Anal Play:  
Orgasm Control:  
Orgasm Denial:  
Over-the-Knee Spanking:  
Phone Sex:  
Piercing (perm):  
Piercing (temp):  
Pussy Whipping:  
Pussy Worship:  
Religious Scenes:  
Riding Crops:  
Scratching:  
Sensory Deprivation:  
Serving as Ashtray:  
Serving as Furniture:  
Serving as Maid:  
Serving as Pony:  
Serving Orally:  
Serving:  
Sex in Scene:  
Sexual Deprivation:  
Shaving:  
Single Tail (light/sensual):  
Single Tail (moderate/heavy)  
Spanking:  
Speculums (vaginal):  
Spreader Bars:  
Stocks:  
Straight Jacket:  
Strap-on Dildos:  
Supplying Victims:  
Suspension (inverted):  
Suspension:  
Swapping:  
Swinging:  
Tape Gags:  
Tattooing:  
Teasing:  
Tickling:  
Triple Penetration:  
Uniforms:  
Verbal Humiliation:  
Videoed Scenes:  
Voyeurism:  
Whipping (cat o’ nine tails etc.):  
Wrestling:  
 
Did we forget anything? Something you really LIKE? Something you really DON’T LIKE? Please add it to the bottom of the list!  
 
Important Questions:  
 
Physical Concerns - Do you have any medical conditions, chronic or otherwise, that the Top should know about? (Epilepsy, weak shoulders, skin Allergy to latex, etc.) Are you on any prescription medications? Etc.  
 
 
 
Mental Concerns - Do you have any phobias or mental conditions that the Top should know about? (Fear of heights, Claustrophobia, MPD, etc.)  
 
 
 
Limits - Are there any specific scene-related things you will not do?  
 
 
 
Fetishes - Are there any specific scene-related things that you really like?  
 
BDSM Play Partner Checklist The more information a Top knows about their bottom, the safer

6/6/2010 4:22:31 PM
10 Commandments for Newbies  
 
 
I. THOU SHALT BE RELENTLESS IN YOUR SEARCH OF KNOWLEDGE ...for there are many who are willing and eager to guide and assist you in your search  
 
II. THOU SHALT NOT BE HAUGHTY OF MIND ...for we all are still learning and growing. There is no shame in not knowing a right word or how to do something. Always keep an open and humble mind when it comes to learning.  
 
III. THOU SHALT BE STEADFAST AND BOLD OF HEART ...for there are those who will try to humiliate you and belittle you for their egos sake. (example: 'for a newbie-you sure have opinions' 'newbies should be seen and not heard' 'this isn't a beginners forum')  
 
IV. THOU SHALT BE RESPECTFUL OF OTHERS ...for we should all respect each other as humans and as part of the same community. Even if opinions clash it is possible to disagree without being disagreeable keeping a sense of respect for one another.  
 
V. THOU SHALT SEEK OUT THOSE OF LIKE KIND ...for there are chat rooms, munches, socials and parties readily available to give you an opportunity to make acquaintances. You are not alone.  
 
VI. THOU SHALT NOT FEEL PRESSURED TO PERFORM FOR OTHERS SAKE ...for there are those who will mock where you are comfortable with. Perhaps you are only comfortable giving/taking mild spankings whereas an edge playing sadist/masochist may snub you feeling superior. They are not. The only right way to be is the right way for you!  
 
VII. THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE LEST YE BE JUDGED ...for each relationship is special and unique between the people directly involved. As an observer you may not understand it but you don't have to as long as the people involved are in concensual agreement.  
 
VIII. THOU SHALT BE KIND ONE TO ANOTHER ...for we are all part of the same community. Insults and Flaming weaken the whole. We are fortunate because we have 4 cheeks to turn thus we should be even more forgiving of each others faults.  
 
IX. THOU SHALT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS ...for with the availability of knowledge and the forums for opinions there is little reason to act in ignorance which may lead to unfortunate experiences. This means proper understanding of safe, sane and concensual play including negotiation and safewords and communicating your wants & needs efficiently. Do not assume others can read your every thought.  
 
X. THOU SHALT BE TRUE TO YOURSELF ...for you are wonderful and unique in your individual way. There is no specific way a Dominant/Submissive must be. We are all distinctive jewels with our own remarkable personalities. There is no mold.  
10 Commandments for Newbies I. THOU SHALT BE RELENTLESS IN YOUR SEARCH OF KNOWLEDGE ...fo

6/6/2010 4:15:26 PM
The Power Of Submission  
 
 
To understand the power of submission, one must first understand what being a submissive means, where it comes from and how it is expressed.  
 
True submission is something that comes from deep within a person and is an essential part of their nature. It is something expressed from the soul and as such, it goes much deeper than the mere physical/sexual act of offering ones-self to a Master for pleasure. A person can behave in a submissive manner but this is not the same as being 'a submissive.'  
 
To offer oneself completely and utterly to another, to surrender all choices and 'power' requires and exceptional inner strength. High self esteem and a knowledge that in order to relinquish power to another as well as understanding that one must possess that inner power is essential.  
 
Embracing and expressing my submissive nature has given me the most powerful opportunities to find the deepest levels of trust, power and the intimacy that can only arise from the bond of a Master and sub. It is the ultimate _expression of balance, the archetypal opposition of yin (the receptive principle) and yang (the active principle). Both sides being perfectly equal, yet forming a perfect whole. Mutually inter-dependent upon the other.  
 
As a submissive, my goals are to come before Master as an empty chalice to be filled ... or a black canvas to be painted ... formless clay waiting to be molded. Thru this exchange, i know that i will become more than i was before ... the Master takes the raw material, or the blank canvas or the raw gemstone and brings out the inner lustre. In this experience, what many misinterpret is that they assume the Master imposes His will upon the sub and she becomes whatever He wants her to be. i would disagree ... to me, the Master brings out the qualities of submssion in a more pronounced way. Rather then being told to 'act' in a submissive way, it is the submissive's role to remove the veil until who she becomes is the perfect reflection of devoted service and in serving her Master, she finds an inner joy and balance that comes from knowing that with each veil removed, each boundary crossed, she becomes MORE of who and what she already is.  
 
When i feel, hear and see my Master's pride in me, i know that i am elevated and adored above all women. i have truly given the gift of my soul to Him and in that exchange He becomes as bound to me as i am to Him. That is the beauty of submission to me. There is a dynamic that exists where the more my Master asks of me, the more i am able to give, and then the deeper our bound becomes. It grows exponentially. The perfect yin/yang of the Master being that active principle in the TAKING and the submissive being the receptive in the GIVING.  
 
My submission is expressed in many ways: on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. Without all of those levels, again, it becomes merely a physical act. There is a sacredness to submission as well for me. Like prayer or other acts of devotion, it is living my life with an intention and focus that always strives for the highest, purest _expression. Putting the relationship first ... always searching within for ways to please and offer more of myself than i think i can. It is this going beyond and pushing limits that becomes the most important reward of submission for me ... the place of empowerment and self knowledge and the resulting inner strength/transformation. It is also dancing with the inner shadowself ... the parts of me that are about fear and being taken on the journey by someone (the Master) who will be there to catch you so your never really falling.  
 
The most special part of submission for me is the level of intimacy and soul connection with another. Each veil that is removed, each boundary crossed, each lash accepted and begged for, each time of being taken to the outermost regions of letting go of control ... all of this is the glue that binds the Master and sub completely to one another. To become completely naked and vulnerable on every level, then give more than i think i can and see the pride, love and devotion in my Master's eyes is the greatest gift imaginable.  
The Power Of Submission To understand the power of submission, one must first understand

6/6/2010 4:12:12 PM
Establishing a Protocol  
Author: Laura Antoniou  
Filed in: training, rules, etiquette, protocol, behavior  
 
A talk given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000  
 
What is the number one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?  
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.  
 
Basically, what happens is that the people involved in the relationship stop doing the things that got them interested in S/M in the first place.  
NOTE: S/M is the term L. A. used to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you want for the lifestyle we choose.  
 
Reality is that every relationship will slow down after the first flush of excitement wears off. All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at first, tone down. And all of those are tied up in actions. When the actions stop, the relationship stops. I don’t have a magic solution to offer to keep a relationship alive, but one thing that can work is the creation and maintenance of a protocol. Before we get into that, we must first touch on some of the terms to be used.  
First: I am NOT in my 50’s or older. I have never been in the Military. And I am not a gay male that fits both of those descriptions. Therefore, I am not, nor can I ever have been “old Guard” and anyone that says otherwise is wrong.  
Second: The basic assumption of this entire presentation is that we are talking about a S/M relationship where there is a Top (Dominant) and a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient to the top.  
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by good breeding, or what is prescribed by cultural situations. Basic etiquette. You must know good manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is never an excuse for bad manners.  
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence to the etiquette.  
SM Protocol: a plan for enacting the behavior within your relationship. (Including the basic etiquette stuff.) A good (and currently the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:  
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000  
Another good reference comes from a Military Protocol book:  
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988  
These are good books to add to your reference set, right along side of Emily Post, et al. Basically, ask yourself what attracted you to SM in the first place Power? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Everything that is done in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. One of the first things you do is establish a Protocol.  
How do you expect the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, etc. This is a model for the relationship. It is the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. DO NOT send your submissive out on the net looking for that “magic” protocol that must be followed.  
It does not exist. By taking someone else’s protocol, you are essentially handing over the control of your relationship to someone else. Because that is what protocol is… the control of the relationship.  
Protocols within a relationship are private and personal. You make the rules for what is important to you. If you take third party protocols and just try to use those, you are going to guarantee that they will be misinterpreted, some will be implausible, and others will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you really want your submissive to fulfill someone else’s fantasy?  
Your fantasy is what should be the focus. Also, if you hand the responsibility of creating the protocols over to the submissive, you are telling the submissive to control  
the relationship. Which is usually not what the submissive is looking for. They want to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it right.  
This does not mean you cannot use other information. Certainly borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the important  
part and flesh it out with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Do not just take someone else’s protocol “whole cloth” and try to use it.  
But that begs the question… Where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you would like to see your sub perform?  
• Write them up.  
• Make it clear.  
• Be prepared to teach them and modify them to fit reality.  
• Read about other styles of protocols. For example everyone that has ever heard the term “Old Guard” has an opinion.  
However, if you think this appeals to you, I recommend you read the following two books, and if you like what you read, go for it:  
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994  
Real Thing by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995  
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just remember that your life is NOT GOR. It is yours. Take what you like and make it real, but don’t try to convince yourself you are from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren’t. You also don’t find a lot of protocol described in my books. The last thing I want is someone to say they are following the Market Place protocol.  
There is no such thing.  
 
Creating a Protocol  
 
First, think about why are you doing this? To establish a relationship? To deepen it? To try to repair it? (usually repairs don’t work because by the time you realize you need to fix it, its too late, but try anyway.) Then, think about all the things you want/need the protocol to cover.  
 
Speech:  
Discussion habits, how to address Master / Mistress, how to address other masters and mistresses. How to address tops, bottoms, vanilla people, other household members. How to argue. How to disagree with Master. How to agree with Master. How to ask for a favor. How to ask for sex. How to request a time out.  
 
Posture:  
How to stand, how to sit, how to kneel. When and how to use different positions. Who opens the door. Where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Right?) Describe in detail all the different postures and positions.  
 
Presenting (offering a body part for use):  
How to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.  
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.  
 
Personal habits:  
When and how to eat, go to the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to work, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc.  
Other issues:  
Can they carry money? Use a credit card? Write checks? Can they use the phone, the computer, and the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their own hands? Can they remove it? Put it on themselves? How? When?  
 
There are endless opportunities for developing protocols. Just remember, what is fine in the dungeon in your home or at the leather bar is not necessarily going to fly at the local Walmart or at your Mom’s Thanksgiving dinner. Be prepared to have multiple levels of protocol. When in private … when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart … at Moms. Also, be wary of using Always. There is no flexibility. Always be naked in my presence is not going to work (the folks at Walmart will probably object). A requirement like that is setup for failure because there are exceptions. But.. When at my home, and we are alone, you will be naked. That is a good solid rule that can be followed.  
 
Basic Question:  
Why do it:  
The best goals of keeping to a protocol  
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and help define it.  
2. to have a quantifiable system to judge the training and success of the bottom.  
a. The Top MUST give feedback. Protocols work because it is two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Top recognizes it is done.  
b. This way both know exactly what is expected and can follow it  
3. Shows off good manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with each other.  
4. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship  
a. Distance is required to keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic strong  
b. The same protocol also can be used to invite intimacy at specific times.  
 
It is important to allow flexibility in the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things…such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant. However, be warned, that if you give the permission to ask, you need to be prepared to say yes. EVERY time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive’s self-esteem. You may not need to say yes every time, but it is a fine line between how many times you can say no and when they decide you don’t care enough and leave. On the other hand, not ever allowing them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don’t care and them leaving.  
 
A bonus of letting them ask for sex… is they now are “ordered” to tell you when they want sex. You never have to guess again if they are “in the mood” or not.  
5. Establish a means for changing the relationship. Include in the protocol a way for the submissive to request a change. Master, every time I do “X” I feel bad…or angry…or resentful.. or bored…or whatever. Is it possible to change “X” or delete it. Again, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive actually requests that something be changed, you should change it.  
Consider the reasons for the change and also determine if “X” is something you feel is really necessary. If yes, find a way to make it acceptable to the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as necessary. In this way, your protocol will change and grow and become more and more tailored to your personal  
relationship with that particular submissive. Remember… the protocol has to work for both of you. If the submissive is finding it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. If you don’t find it meets your needs, you will ignore it, and the submissive will feel you don’t care, and the submissive will leave. Protocols take effort. It is worth it, but it is not an easy ride for either partner.  
 
Where to start:  
1. 1. Start by determining what type of relationship you want.  
o Is it a service relationship?  
o Is it primarily a sexual one?  
o Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?  
2. What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.  
1. This is for both Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you want is to be Jeeves…have a suite and silver tray, say so. If you need to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be specific. If you want your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. If you are not specific, you won’t get what you want.  
3. ritual) to develop naturally, but document the process as you go, so that you will both know what is important and what isn’t. You want the development of your protocol to be an exciting and nurturing experience, and for it to be organic. It will grow and change and develop with your relationship, making it stronger and deeper.  
Realize that your Protocol WILL change. It is better to start with a few simple rules of behavior, maybe  
Then after those are mastered, add 5 more. Plus depth to the first five. Make the addition of new rules a reward for having mastered the first ones. Don’t hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start doing all this on Monday. It won’t work, it will be overwhelming and there is nothing fun about flipping through a manual trying to figure out what to do next.. Also, you cannot expect perfect obedience. You are commanding behavior from a human being. Not a machine. And sometimes… there has to be down time. Every protocol should have a way, within the protocol, to request a way to be excused from the Protocol. This is a release valve. Again, it is almost axiomatic that the dominant MUST almost always grant such a request. But the value of it is that by granting this request, the protocol is actually still in place. By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that caused the need for the request in the first place will force the submissive to decide to just chuck it all anyway.  
Note I did say ALMOST always. Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it is possible to actually deny the request but in a positive way. A good, well written protocol will allow flexibility for both partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a need to be released from the protocol, the mere fact of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it according to the protocol, actually preserves the protocol…..it is still being “observed” even during the time out, and provides a sense of security and continuity during that time period. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive… you get the time out, but your penalty for it is that after the time out, you will have to do “X” to make up for the lack of protocol during this time.  
 
Be creative.  
Find ways to keep it meaningful.  
Note: Roles of Protocol do not only belong to the bottom.  
Protocol applies to the Dominant as well, and must include behavior of the Top. The rules may specify that the Top is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. But the rules must be there for both…specify what YOU will be doing.  
Remember, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.  
You cannot expect others to follow your protocol, even if they know it.  
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is helpful for both Dom and sub. Who forgets the specific protocols first? The dominant. Bottoms don’t keep protocol out of fear of punishment but because they WANT to be pleasing to their Dom. They don’t just “stop” observing protocol for the heck of it. They stop primarily because the Tops fail to  
NOTICE.  
When the Top fails to notice/react, then he doesn’t care.. As the Dominant, you must be involved. You have established it. You must maintain it. You reward good behavior, and punish bad. And modify the rules when necessary.  
 
For the Bottoms:  
If you stop doing something required of your protocol, and your top doesn’t notice, it is your right and responsibility to bring this to the Master’s attention… in a respectful way, according to your protocol.  
All protocols should provide a way for the submissive to bring anything up that needs to be discussed without fear of reprisal. Also, sometimes Tops realize that they stopped noticing something, and if that happens, it is better to say “I’ve noticed you have stopped doing X.” However, remember that at this point, you cannot punish for it. If you have not noticed for a month that she is not kneeling before getting into bed, then today, you notice it…. You can’t punish her retroactively. Instead take ownership of the problem, acknowledge your part (lack of noticing means it has become less than meaningful to you also) and then brainstorm together what you can do to prevent it from happening again. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the top) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following through.  
 
If you have noticed something has become neglected or is being performed by rote instead of with real meaning or that you personally now find boring to watch the submissive perform it “yet again”, it is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely. It is this process that helps keep the protocol alive and responsive to the relationship, and therefore meaningful. When it stops being meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has become simply a series of actions instead of a deep bond.  
Always remember that your personal protocol is YOURS and yours alone. You may have to explain them to someone, but you should get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not. When in your house, I’ll obey your protocol, or I leave. You do the same for me in mine. This is the essence of basic etiquette. No one else knows your protocol. Don’t expect them to. Don’t try to make them follow your rules. This is YOURS. Keep it for you and the ones in your S/M relationship. Keep the relationship alive and interesting. As with all relationships, it requires work. But the results are very rewarding.  
 
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and provided to interested people with  
Laura’s gracious permission.  
 
 
Related Essays  
• Every ROSE Has A Thorn: Honor, Respect and Protocol Amongst Dominants by Norische  
• Is It House Broke? Protocol Within Your Own Home by Norische  
• Pecking Order: Multiple Slave Households by Norische  
• Guidelines for Conduct by Sergeant Major  
• Guidelines for Domestic Service by Sergeant Major  
Establishing a Protocol Author: Laura Antoniou Filed in: training, rules, etiquette, protoco

6/6/2010 4:12:09 PM
Establishing a Protocol  
Author: Laura Antoniou  
Filed in: training, rules, etiquette, protocol, behavior  
 
A talk given by Laura Antoniou, December 1, 2000  
 
What is the number one reason for failure of an S/M relationship?  
Lack of consistency. Not failed flogging or lack of fetish wear. Consistency.  
 
Basically, what happens is that the people involved in the relationship stop doing the things that got them interested in S/M in the first place.  
NOTE: S/M is the term L. A. used to mean S/M, D/s, BDSM, what ever set of letters you want for the lifestyle we choose.  
 
Reality is that every relationship will slow down after the first flush of excitement wears off. All the Passion, Drama and Emotion that make it exciting at first, tone down. And all of those are tied up in actions. When the actions stop, the relationship stops. I don’t have a magic solution to offer to keep a relationship alive, but one thing that can work is the creation and maintenance of a protocol. Before we get into that, we must first touch on some of the terms to be used.  
First: I am NOT in my 50’s or older. I have never been in the Military. And I am not a gay male that fits both of those descriptions. Therefore, I am not, nor can I ever have been “old Guard” and anyone that says otherwise is wrong.  
Second: The basic assumption of this entire presentation is that we are talking about a S/M relationship where there is a Top (Dominant) and a bottom. The bottom is in a state of consensual submission and has agreed to be obedient to the top.  
Etiquette: forms of behavior established by good breeding, or what is prescribed by cultural situations. Basic etiquette. You must know good manners. Read Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, etc. Get them. Read them. Use them. There is never an excuse for bad manners.  
Protocol: The code that prescribes the adherence to the etiquette.  
SM Protocol: a plan for enacting the behavior within your relationship. (Including the basic etiquette stuff.) A good (and currently the only) reference for alternate lifestyles is:  
The Bride Wore Black Leather... and He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us by Drew Campbell, Donna Barr (Illustrator) /Paperback / Greenery Press / March 2000  
Another good reference comes from a Military Protocol book:  
Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz / Hardcover / Naval Institute Press / November 1988  
These are good books to add to your reference set, right along side of Emily Post, et al. Basically, ask yourself what attracted you to SM in the first place Power? Surrender? The formalisms? The manners? The rituals? Everything that is done in S/M is strengthened, sharpened and enhanced by etiquette. One of the first things you do is establish a Protocol.  
How do you expect the submissive to behave, to address you, to dress, to sit, eat, etc. This is a model for the relationship. It is the Tops responsibility to establish the protocol. DO NOT send your submissive out on the net looking for that “magic” protocol that must be followed.  
It does not exist. By taking someone else’s protocol, you are essentially handing over the control of your relationship to someone else. Because that is what protocol is… the control of the relationship.  
Protocols within a relationship are private and personal. You make the rules for what is important to you. If you take third party protocols and just try to use those, you are going to guarantee that they will be misinterpreted, some will be implausible, and others will just be plain wrong for your relationship. Besides, do you really want your submissive to fulfill someone else’s fantasy?  
Your fantasy is what should be the focus. Also, if you hand the responsibility of creating the protocols over to the submissive, you are telling the submissive to control  
the relationship. Which is usually not what the submissive is looking for. They want to know what pleases you, not just what they are guessing at. Only the dominant can make it right.  
This does not mean you cannot use other information. Certainly borrow (or outright steal) bits and pieces of protocols from other sources that appeal to you. But take just the important  
part and flesh it out with your own style and flavor. Make it your own and move on. Do not just take someone else’s protocol “whole cloth” and try to use it.  
But that begs the question… Where do I get that protocol? Have you ever fantasized about a series of positions you would like to see your sub perform?  
• Write them up.  
• Make it clear.  
• Be prepared to teach them and modify them to fit reality.  
• Read about other styles of protocols. For example everyone that has ever heard the term “Old Guard” has an opinion.  
However, if you think this appeals to you, I recommend you read the following two books, and if you like what you read, go for it:  
The Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, John Preston / Paperback / L. T. Publications / November 1994  
Real Thing by William M. Carney / Paperback / Masquerade Books, Inc. / April 1995  
Other sources are John Normans Gor series, the story of O, Ann Rice Beauty series. Just remember that your life is NOT GOR. It is yours. Take what you like and make it real, but don’t try to convince yourself you are from the planet Gor or from Roissery. You aren’t. You also don’t find a lot of protocol described in my books. The last thing I want is someone to say they are following the Market Place protocol.  
There is no such thing.  
 
Creating a Protocol  
 
First, think about why are you doing this? To establish a relationship? To deepen it? To try to repair it? (usually repairs don’t work because by the time you realize you need to fix it, its too late, but try anyway.) Then, think about all the things you want/need the protocol to cover.  
 
Speech:  
Discussion habits, how to address Master / Mistress, how to address other masters and mistresses. How to address tops, bottoms, vanilla people, other household members. How to argue. How to disagree with Master. How to agree with Master. How to ask for a favor. How to ask for sex. How to request a time out.  
 
Posture:  
How to stand, how to sit, how to kneel. When and how to use different positions. Who opens the door. Where do they walk (in front? Behind? Left side? Right?) Describe in detail all the different postures and positions.  
 
Presenting (offering a body part for use):  
How to do it for pleasure, play, punishment, humiliation, whatever.  
Other stuff: when and who they can hug with or with out permission, shake hands, bow. Get you a drink. Serve dinner. Fold the laundry. Hang the clothes. Walk the dog.  
 
Personal habits:  
When and how to eat, go to the bathroom, drink, have sex, use furniture, drive, got to work, dress, get undressed, brush their hair, brush their teeth, where to sleep, what to sleep in, shave, smoke, etc.  
Other issues:  
Can they carry money? Use a credit card? Write checks? Can they use the phone, the computer, and the fax. Are they allowed to touch their collar with their own hands? Can they remove it? Put it on themselves? How? When?  
 
There are endless opportunities for developing protocols. Just remember, what is fine in the dungeon in your home or at the leather bar is not necessarily going to fly at the local Walmart or at your Mom’s Thanksgiving dinner. Be prepared to have multiple levels of protocol. When in private … when in semi-public but scene friendly,.. when in Walmart … at Moms. Also, be wary of using Always. There is no flexibility. Always be naked in my presence is not going to work (the folks at Walmart will probably object). A requirement like that is setup for failure because there are exceptions. But.. When at my home, and we are alone, you will be naked. That is a good solid rule that can be followed.  
 
Basic Question:  
Why do it:  
The best goals of keeping to a protocol  
1. Protocols establish a pattern of a relationship and help define it.  
2. to have a quantifiable system to judge the training and success of the bottom.  
a. The Top MUST give feedback. Protocols work because it is two way street. The bottom DOES it. The Top recognizes it is done.  
b. This way both know exactly what is expected and can follow it  
3. Shows off good manners. Not just out in public, but also privately with each other.  
4. Establish and maintains a level of distance in a relationship  
a. Distance is required to keep the Dominant/submissive dynamic strong  
b. The same protocol also can be used to invite intimacy at specific times.  
 
It is important to allow flexibility in the protocol to let the submissive initiate some things…such as sex. Your protocol can specify how and when the submissive can express the need/desire for sex with the dominant. However, be warned, that if you give the permission to ask, you need to be prepared to say yes. EVERY time you say no, you are hitting at the submissive’s self-esteem. You may not need to say yes every time, but it is a fine line between how many times you can say no and when they decide you don’t care enough and leave. On the other hand, not ever allowing them to ask also sets them up for deciding you don’t care and them leaving.  
 
A bonus of letting them ask for sex… is they now are “ordered” to tell you when they want sex. You never have to guess again if they are “in the mood” or not.  
5. Establish a means for changing the relationship. Include in the protocol a way for the submissive to request a change. Master, every time I do “X” I feel bad…or angry…or resentful.. or bored…or whatever. Is it possible to change “X” or delete it. Again, this obligates you to pay attention. If the submissive actually requests that something be changed, you should change it.  
Consider the reasons for the change and also determine if “X” is something you feel is really necessary. If yes, find a way to make it acceptable to the bottom. If not, then change or delete it as necessary. In this way, your protocol will change and grow and become more and more tailored to your personal  
relationship with that particular submissive. Remember… the protocol has to work for both of you. If the submissive is finding it unworkable, then the submissive will leave. If you don’t find it meets your needs, you will ignore it, and the submissive will feel you don’t care, and the submissive will leave. Protocols take effort. It is worth it, but it is not an easy ride for either partner.  
 
Where to start:  
1. 1. Start by determining what type of relationship you want.  
o Is it a service relationship?  
o Is it primarily a sexual one?  
o Is it Daddy/girl or Master/slave?  
2. What behaviors and mannerisms turn you on.  
1. This is for both Tops and Bottoms. Be CLEAR about what turns you on.If what you want is to be Jeeves…have a suite and silver tray, say so. If you need to be dressed in a French Maid outfit with nipple cut outs, be specific. If you want your submissive to be June Cleaver incarnate, tell her. If you are not specific, you won’t get what you want.  
3. ritual) to develop naturally, but document the process as you go, so that you will both know what is important and what isn’t. You want the development of your protocol to be an exciting and nurturing experience, and for it to be organic. It will grow and change and develop with your relationship, making it stronger and deeper.  
Realize that your Protocol WILL change. It is better to start with a few simple rules of behavior, maybe  
Then after those are mastered, add 5 more. Plus depth to the first five. Make the addition of new rules a reward for having mastered the first ones. Don’t hand a new submissive a 30 page document and say, start doing all this on Monday. It won’t work, it will be overwhelming and there is nothing fun about flipping through a manual trying to figure out what to do next.. Also, you cannot expect perfect obedience. You are commanding behavior from a human being. Not a machine. And sometimes… there has to be down time. Every protocol should have a way, within the protocol, to request a way to be excused from the Protocol. This is a release valve. Again, it is almost axiomatic that the dominant MUST almost always grant such a request. But the value of it is that by granting this request, the protocol is actually still in place. By not granting it, you run the risk that the stress that caused the need for the request in the first place will force the submissive to decide to just chuck it all anyway.  
Note I did say ALMOST always. Sometimes, by asking for the release, the submissive is also asking for help. If the dominant can relieve the reason the sub requested the time out, it is possible to actually deny the request but in a positive way. A good, well written protocol will allow flexibility for both partners. If the submissive, for what ever reason, feels a need to be released from the protocol, the mere fact of requesting the release in a specific way, and being granted it according to the protocol, actually preserves the protocol…..it is still being “observed” even during the time out, and provides a sense of security and continuity during that time period. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling the submissive… you get the time out, but your penalty for it is that after the time out, you will have to do “X” to make up for the lack of protocol during this time.  
 
Be creative.  
Find ways to keep it meaningful.  
Note: Roles of Protocol do not only belong to the bottom.  
Protocol applies to the Dominant as well, and must include behavior of the Top. The rules may specify that the Top is polite at all times, or crude and hurtful. But the rules must be there for both…specify what YOU will be doing.  
Remember, your Protocol is YOURS and yours only.  
You cannot expect others to follow your protocol, even if they know it.  
Write your protocols out, not as a contract but as a guide book. This is helpful for both Dom and sub. Who forgets the specific protocols first? The dominant. Bottoms don’t keep protocol out of fear of punishment but because they WANT to be pleasing to their Dom. They don’t just “stop” observing protocol for the heck of it. They stop primarily because the Tops fail to  
NOTICE.  
When the Top fails to notice/react, then he doesn’t care.. As the Dominant, you must be involved. You have established it. You must maintain it. You reward good behavior, and punish bad. And modify the rules when necessary.  
 
For the Bottoms:  
If you stop doing something required of your protocol, and your top doesn’t notice, it is your right and responsibility to bring this to the Master’s attention… in a respectful way, according to your protocol.  
All protocols should provide a way for the submissive to bring anything up that needs to be discussed without fear of reprisal. Also, sometimes Tops realize that they stopped noticing something, and if that happens, it is better to say “I’ve noticed you have stopped doing X.” However, remember that at this point, you cannot punish for it. If you have not noticed for a month that she is not kneeling before getting into bed, then today, you notice it…. You can’t punish her retroactively. Instead take ownership of the problem, acknowledge your part (lack of noticing means it has become less than meaningful to you also) and then brainstorm together what you can do to prevent it from happening again. Bottoms are responsible to obey you, but you (the top) are responsible for noticing that obedience (or lack) and following through.  
 
If you have noticed something has become neglected or is being performed by rote instead of with real meaning or that you personally now find boring to watch the submissive perform it “yet again”, it is time to re-evaluate the reason for that action, and either modify it or drop it entirely. It is this process that helps keep the protocol alive and responsive to the relationship, and therefore meaningful. When it stops being meaningful, the relationship is on the skids. It has become simply a series of actions instead of a deep bond.  
Always remember that your personal protocol is YOURS and yours alone. You may have to explain them to someone, but you should get respect regardless of their acceptance of your protocol or not. When in your house, I’ll obey your protocol, or I leave. You do the same for me in mine. This is the essence of basic etiquette. No one else knows your protocol. Don’t expect them to. Don’t try to make them follow your rules. This is YOURS. Keep it for you and the ones in your S/M relationship. Keep the relationship alive and interesting. As with all relationships, it requires work. But the results are very rewarding.  
 
Cecelia took these notes on December 1, 2000, as a service to Sir David, at a presentation by Laura Antoniou in Austin, Texas. They are published and provided to interested people with  
Laura’s gracious permission.  
 
 
Related Essays  
• Every ROSE Has A Thorn: Honor, Respect and Protocol Amongst Dominants by Norische  
• Is It House Broke? Protocol Within Your Own Home by Norische  
• Pecking Order: Multiple Slave Households by Norische  
• Guidelines for Conduct by Sergeant Major  
• Guidelines for Domestic Service by Sergeant Major  
Establishing a Protocol Author: Laura Antoniou Filed in: training, rules, etiquette, protoco

6/6/2010 4:01:59 PM
I have thought for some time about the marvelous variety of spankings and the various results that can be achieved. Mixed with the proper caring and circumstances they can be a powerful psychological enhancer in so many different areas. For example:  
 
1) Play.. Play spankings are fun! There is laughter and even giggling. They are done gently and with not too much pain... Just some stimulation. They are mixed with teasing and tickling and rubbing and are just plain fun! They deepen a relationship, and frequently are a prelude to sex and intimacy.  
 
2) Erotic.. Erotic spankings are designed to enhance the subs sexual response, and may in fact become quite severe and genuinely painful. The pain can enhance sexual response in an experienced sub, and drive orgasm to incredible heights! This pain can be interpreted as the most exquisite pleasure, and moans and deep sexual response are common. Usually for fairly experienced players... Spankings can provide 'spice' to enhance the sexual flavor. It is a often a learned response to enjoy pain.  
 
3) Behavior correction.. Exactly like the spankings that were given when you were a child. Behavior has been unacceptable and the spanking is given as a reminder that this behavior will not be tolerated. The sub may not even have realized that the behavior was not acceptable and may feel no guilt whatsoever. (Before that is. lol) The spanking is a means of correction and control and behavior modification. It communicates the Master's disapproval.  
 
4) Punishment.. Similar to the above with the exception that something genuinely detrimental has been done... such as stealing or angry, hateful outbursts. There is scolding, the punishment is unpleasant and the spanking really hurts. The objective is to allow the sub to feel that justice has been meted out, so that forgiveness is possible. It brings closure to an unpleasant situation. Usually followed by hugs and kisses and real forgiveness. It is used to sweep the cobwebs from the relationship.  
 
5) Guilt Therapy. Sometimes painful situations from the past have occurred which have left a sense of guilt and great sadness. The sub has no way to deal with these long past emotional hurts, and the guilt disturbs her overall sense of well being and happiness. Spanking therapy can be applied, combined with compassionate discussion and hugs. Allows her to 'pay her debt' and clear her heart. Frequently requires several working sessions, but marvelous results in obtaining closure and relieving the sense of guilt have been reported.  
 
6) Relaxation.. Usually done OTK on the bed with the sub just relaxed lying over the lap. The spanking is gentle and mixed with deep massage and gentle finger strokes that bring relaxation and peace. These spankings will relieve tension and muscle tightness and leave a sense of well being and being cared for. Almost a form of massage therapy. One can spend an hour or so on this type of spanking and put the sub into a peaceful heaven with a gentle smile on her face. A good spanking is better than a Valium!  
 
7) Bottom warming.. Great for a cold, cold night. There is nothing like the warm glow of a well warmed bottom and then afterwards cuddling under the blankets to bring warmth to the heart and tingles to the posterior. Makes for a happy and warm, contented sub. :)  
 
8) Comfort... This would seem to be a paradox... a spanking for comfort? But I have seen times where the sub has done something sad-- or has had a 'bad hair day', and just felt lonely and bad inside. (The sub may even ask for a spanking under these circumstances)...In cases like this a compassionate OTK spanking will sometimes relieve the emotional tension and make the world seem right again. The sub feels cared about and loved and finds comfort. The instruments used vary... There are so many... the hand, paddles, floggers, straps, canes.. etc. But that is the subject of another post. Happy spankings to all.  
 
Warm bottoms make happy hearts!  
I have thought for some time about the marvelous variety of spankings and the various results

6/4/2010 4:30:04 PM
RESPECT  
(To consider worthy of high regard...the state or quality of being esteemed or expressions of deference...)  
Worthy. Deserving. Respect is something that cannot be given. It is earned and inspired by consistent actions. Many people mouth or offer casual expressions of verbal respect. It is part of our common social structure to trot out phrases and words with an ease born of a lifetime of training. In addition, many people 'demand' expressions of respect. This in part negates the true meaning of the word and concept. You cannot 'demand' something and expect what you receive to be an authentic representation of the reality. It isn't.  
Within the BDSM community it is common to find large numbers of people who believe that by merely 'naming' themselves or 'self-labeling' ensures them the 'right' to expressions of respect. It doesn't. Since this practice is quite common within the online community it should be noted that 'self-labeling' merely identifies what the individual 'wishes' to portray at that given moment. It does not make someone 'respectable'. Insistence on honorific titles may be an indicator of a person with potentially serious ego 'issues'. It is my opinion that if your ego is healthy you will not need nor require constant verbal stroking from unknown strangers. For something to be of worth or value it must be earned. To me that means the old fashioned or hard way. Through long term consistent behavior becoming of or worthy of increased personal respect.  
When moving within the pixel dust world of the cyber community it is my suggestion that we offer to each other the common courtesy one would of any guest. Nothing more nor less. Consider the individual’s choice of identification merely that, a personal choice. Try to maintain courtesy within conversations but try not to 'gift' to a person what they have not actively demonstrated they have earned. I have found that many people present themselves as socially graceless. They seem to desire to use crudity, open disrespect, anger, crass or tawdry language and expect that such usage is acceptable because they are 'self-labeled identity' (usually Dom). How can one expect to inspire respect if they themselves are unable to behave in a respectable way? Unable to carry themselves with pride, dignity and grace?  
I believe it becomes even more important to reinstate forms of common courtesy. Especially if you consider the potentials of the Internet in a real way with an expectation of possibly making real life long term friendships and possibly relationships. By accepting or allowing rude and crude behavior or expressions of overt disrespect we as a community lower our standards. Being a member of this community does not mean you are immoral, irrational, sick, disgusting, mentally ill or without quality. To be without quality is a personal choice and should not reflect on any other person besides the individual who makes that choice.  
If you are going to place your life and your trust in an individual it becomes increasingly important to recognize that it is important to make those choices well. From a Dominant's perspective it is necessary to be respectable, trustworthy and inspire those feelings in the submissives you interact with. It is necessary to live with those traits in the forefront. You cannot 'force' anyone to respect you. And, respect offered without having been earned is of questionable worth at best. Be leery of persons too willing to thrust expressions of unearned respect at you!  
It is easy to be strict and strong and still maintain decorum or control over your personal behavior and choices. In addition it is a reflection of the individual when they freely elect or choose to behave in manners that are of questionable honest and truth. Pay attention to the individual's actions, not their words. People are quite capable to telling you what they believe you want to hear. Look to the minutia, the details. Are they consistent, open, honest? Or are there things that just don't fit properly?  
Genuine respect is something quite different from verbal blandishments of respect. It is offered without colorings of fear or expectations of reciprocation. It is equally important that we each come to respect ourselves. To every action of personal dishonesty there is at least one witness. You! If you make choices that are dishonest you will in some manner project that outward or you will always know and recognize the falsity of other's opinions which will color your relationships. Lying tends to be a failure inside to accept the self in honesty. Part of becoming whole as an individual is in self-acceptance. I find this especially true in the D/s community where we must learn to embrace our true self which generally is at odds with larger community standards. Failure to totally accept our natural expressions leads to internal conflicts which may be visited upon others by actions of anger and destruction. Uncontrolled outbursts can and often are abusive which is directly at odds with one of the most crucial basic premises of D/s.  
RESPECT (To consider worthy of high regard...the state or quality of being esteemed or expres

6/4/2010 4:15:52 PM
Total Exchange of power  
I could never put it in words until I experienced it for the first time.  
I was at my Master’s house alone with Him.  
I was naked and bound to a chair with my legs spread wide open.  
I remember thinking that here I am.  
Alone in the home of my Master naked tied to a chair.  
I trusted him completely but still the thought crossed my mind of just how vulnerable I was.  
I watched everything he did and I saw him take out needles for needle play.  
I had never experienced needle play and became very nervous.  
He opened them up and applied rubbing alcohol to several places on my body.  
He inserted the first needle and it wasn’t too bad at all.  
He watched my reactions as I watched him.  
I remember looking up into his eyes and feeling a feeling of wonder.  
It was at that point that I knew the exchange of power.  
I gave him my submission and he gave me his dominance.  
Neither of us could survive without the other.  
kate  
Total Exchange of power I could never put it in words until I experienced it for the first t

6/4/2010 11:41:29 AM
A little about myself.  
i was born to serve. i found this out at a very early age. If people around me were not happy i felt it my duty to cheer them up. i remember Christmas as a child and i always felt so sad when i saw the adults with no gifts. i sometimes offered my gifts to them. i also remember that i knew early on that i was no Dom. When we kids played house i was the child. When we played Dr/nurse i was the patient. At that young age i loved the control.  
It was no accident that i entered nursing. i could help those who needed it.  
In the 1980's a friend had me read The Beauty series. I knew then that i wanted to be beauty. A little while later i saw the story of 'O'. i wanted to be she.  
my husband and i fooled around in the bedroom with kink but one day i found the world of D/s on the internet.i read all about myself. i read all i could. my Husband and i became interested in stepping into real time. i joined Collarme and made friends and even had an on line mentor. He taught me terms like safe, sane and consensual. i never met him . my husband and i attended several munchees. Then we joined the local bdsm clubs.. we attended demos and made lots of friends.my husband discovered his submissive side and at first told me he felt week for feeling like that. i set him straight.  
The rest is history. he has his mistress and i have my Master.we keep our D/s activities separate. we have been married for 33 years and D/s has certainly enhanced our marriage. he loves to top me in our dungeon at times. i am the only one he tops. The only way i can top him is with verbal humiliation.he loves it and i find it great to treat him like a dog. Thank you for taking the time to read this.  
kateA little about myself. i was born to serve. i found this out at a very early age. If people a

6/1/2010 5:32:02 PM
The submissive’s Creed  
   
 I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits,   
and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my   
Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also   
lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my   
Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused; I know that submissive does not equal doormat.  
   
I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissive s, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.  
   
I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.  
   
I will never think myself a submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not   
intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.  
   
Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never   
cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or   
sub~human.  I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.  
   
 The submissive’s Creed    I will communicate with complete honesty my needs,

6/1/2010 5:04:12 PM
Edge Play  
 
 
 
'I've heard many SM players refer to 'edge play' but I don't know what they're talking about. What is 'edge play'?'  
There is no standard definition of 'edge play'. Its use has varied over time and geographical location. Even a quick search of the Internet will give a confusing array of results, including:  
Scenes without safe words  
BDSM activities which could cause permanent harm or are potentially life-threatening  
Activities which challenge social taboos  
 
Anything which pierces the skin or has 'sharp edges': needles/ knives/ razors etc.  
 
'High risk' activities, whether that is physically risky (e.g. using guns or knives in a scene) or emotionally risky (e.g. confronting phobias)  
 
'Breath control, suspension bondage, electricity play, cutting, piercing, branding, enemas, water sports, rape fantasies and scat'  
 
Any activity which is new to the bottom/ submissive  
 
Things which fall outside 'Safe' and 'Sane', but are still 'Consensual'  
 
It's different for everyone - there is no definition  
 
From my own experience of travelling to leather and SM events, I think the most widely used definition of 'edge play' at the moment is playing at the threshold of someone's limits of fear, pain or endurance. For someone who has never been tied up before and is terrified of bondage, that first rope around their wrists might well be edge play. But if he or she has no fear of bondage then the first rope isn't edge play at all. It doesn't become edge play until the Top and bottom go on the journey all the way out to the edge (whatever and wherever that may be) - and then stop and play there for a while.  
 
Why do people do edge play?  
Some people find it very sexy to be terrified. Others enjoy the huge endorphin rush that comes after receiving a lot of pain. Some are tired of being a 'control freak' in the rest of their lives and wish, for a period of time, to surrender completely to another individual. Or they might be using edge play to confront fears or phobias that have been influencing their lives. There are as many reasons why people do this as there are edge players.  
 
If you are interested in edge play what sort of things do you need to consider?  
Be aware of the law in your area.  
For example, in England and Wales it is illegal to cause or receive any marks for sexual pleasure which are longer than 'transient or trifling'. If you had someone locked in your basement for three days for an interrogation scene, how would you answer allegations of false imprisonment? If you have agreed to play without safe words and anyone presses charges against the Top for assault, the courts are more likely to find the Top guilty than if safewords were agreed and adhered to.  
I would recommend that you only do edge play with people that you know well. Save any emails or correspondence that shows the scene was negotiated in advance, and what limits were agreed. Try to resist the temptation to take photographs or record the scene while it is in progress, as that can be used as evidence against you.  
Does the Top have the skills to play at your edges?  
It is very easy to break someone mentally or physically - any bad Top can do that. It requires no skill at all to swing a heavy metal bar at someone and break their arm. What does require skill is to take someone to the edges of what they think they can endure and help them explore their limits, gradually extending them further and further.  
Does the bottom have realistic expectations?  
Be careful if the bottom claims to have no limits. He or she may be too inexperienced to know what they are asking for, may be living in a fantasy world, or could be looking for someone to harm them. Also be wary of a bottom who requests activities that the Top cannot perform safely.  
Is the Top willing and able to provide the appropriate aftercare?  
If a bottom has been pushed to the limits of their physical endurance they may require hours of immediate aftercare to return their body to normal. If they have been put under great mental stress the immediate aftercare may take days - usually far longer than the scene itself. If a scene has been very realistic the bottom might have nightmares for months afterwards. Even if the scene was a resounding success and the bottom has conquered a fear or phobia as a result, that can be very disorientating and lead the bottom into questioning other assumptions about their daily lives. Are you ready for the ongoing aftercare that may be required?  
Do the SM styles of the Top and bottom match?  
Just because you want to play at the limits of an activity and you meet someone with a great reputation as a Top or bottom in the same activity, does not mean that you are necessarily a good match. Check to see if their style of play is what you are looking for. Some edge players prefer the Top to be full of positive encouragement and let the bottom dictate how fast or slow the scene proceeds. Other players want the Top to be as rough and (from outward appearances) uncaring as possible to scare them into going further than they would otherwise allow. Make sure your style of SM is the same and that there is good unspoken communication between you - BEFORE you get in too deep!  
Is the timing right?  
Sometimes you can meet the right person to play with, you know each other well, your styles of SM match, you are in a location to do edge play where you won't be arrested or scare the local population ... everything on paper looks good - but the timing isn't right. Perhaps one of you hasn't had enough sleep, or your blood sugar level is too low, you're under pressure at work or distracted by personal problems. When that happens DON'T do edge play. The risks are far higher that something will go wrong. Wait until you have had enough to eat, enough sleep and can concentrate fully on the scene at hand.  
Edge play is a risky activity and I don't want anyone to try it just because they've read this article. It doesn't make you a better SM player or more valid as a leatherman if you do edge play, any more than if you are straight or gay, or ride/ don't ride a motorbike. It doesn't matter! These are just aspects of who we are - don't let anyone judge you because of them. But for those who are drawn to the edges, hopefully this column will help to minimise the risks of things going wrong.  
Edge Play 'I've heard many SM players refer to 'edge play' but I don't know what they'

6/1/2010 12:51:53 PM
Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using the BDSM lifestyle as a way to abuse or use individuals under an umbrella of acceptance. Within each situation there are warning signs that we see, unfortunately sometimes we do not see these warning signs until it is too late. There are many people that say they are a Dominant are not, instead they are users, abusers, predators, wannabees, bullies, and manipulators. This article is designed to help people understand what a warning sign or red flag is, and hopefully prevent someone from getting hurt.  
 
Some people think that just because they have read all the books and watched all the movies that they are instant Dominants; Instant Dominant…Just Add Water, and Shake Well. Just because he or she has a few floggers doesn\'t mean they know how to use them or that they are a Dominant of any form. Just because someone orders you around or attempts to control your life doesn\'t mean they are a Dominant. Being a Dominant is a menagerie of infinite strengths and weaknesses combined together with all the normal human mediocrities. It takes a lifetime of learning and growing to be a Dominant, and those that believe otherwise may not have a true grasp of the concept. Even as one is able to claim the title of Dominant, Master, Mistress, Lord, or Lady, God or Goddess, one is still learning, the learning is a never ending road that allows us to travel into the exciting and new dimensions of this adventure called BDSM.  
 
As a Dominant myself I have come to understand that every Dominant does things in a different manner, and that just because what they do is different from what I do, it doesn\'t make what they do wrong, it just makes it different. However there is a difference between just being different and being dangerous.  
 
If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.  
 
If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents then you are a pimp not a Dominant.  
 
If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.  
 
If someone submits to you because you wont leave him or her alone if they don\'t then you are a predator not a Dominant.  
 
If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don\'t then you are an abuser not a Dominant.  
 
There are far too many individuals out there in today\'s society that manipulate, abuse, use, and lie to others in an effort to gain their service and respect. There are a lot of warning signs and although we tend not to see them unless in retrospect here are a few. Read each one carefully and answer honestly, when you have finished go back and look at the questions and the way you answered them.  
 
* Does the Dominant use expensive gifts to get you to do something you honestly don\'t want to do?  
* Does the Dominant restrict you from having friends over or going over to see your friends?  
* Does the Dominant threaten to leave you whenever you tell him or her that you don\'t want to do something?  
* Does the Dominant make you feel guilty if you can\'t or wont do something?  
* Does the Dominant restrict you from contact with your family?  
* Does the Dominant get upset with you when you try and talk about the problems you are having?  
* Does the Dominant ever make you feel as if you are not good enough or that you can be easily replaced?  
* Does the Dominant ignore your medical or physical needs (this does not include the inability to see to these needs due to financial dificulties)?  
* Have you caught the Dominant in a lie?  
* Have you lost or gained an excessive amount of weight since being with the Dominant (this does not include intended weight loss or gain)?  
* Does the Dominant make you feel bad if you question him or her?  
* Does the Dominant make fun of or belittle your religious beliefs?  
* Does the Dominant give you reason to question his or her honesty?  
* Does the Dominant go away for long periods of time with no explanation and refuse to discuss it with you or get angered when you ask?  
* Does the Dominant make you feel ugly or unwanted?  
* Does the Dominant attempt to force you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable?  
* Have you ever felt dirty or cheap after being with your Dominant?  
* Does the Dominant drink to excess or too frequently?  
* Have you ever felt like the Dominant is hiding something important?  
* Has the Dominant ever hit you in anger?  
* Does the Dominant ever tell you not to talk to others about your relationship?  
* Does the Dominant restrict you from speaking with his or her past slaves or submissives?  
* Have you ever been afraid to discuss something with the Dominant?  
* Has the Dominant ever threatened you or became enraged when you tell him or her no?  
* Has the Dominant ever given your services away without consulting you or without your consent?  
* Has the Dominant ever brought another individual into the relationship without consulting you or without your consent?  
* Does the Dominant demand to know your ware bouts at all times and still checks up on you?  
* Have others told you that you should be careful or expressed concern about the Dominant and your well being?  
* Has the Dominant ever talked bad about you to another Dominant?  
* Has the Dominant ever said that others are out to get him or her?  
* Have you ever felt like you were raped after having sex with your Dominant?  
* When you have questioned the Dominant has he or she ever said that they don\'t have to defend themselves against lies?  
* Has the dominant ever mad you do something that you were physically or emotionally unable to do?  
* Since you have been with the Dominant have you experienced an abnormal amount of depression or anxiety?  
* Since you have been with the Dominant have you thought about committing suicide?  
* Does the Dominant make you feel that your opinion does not matter?  
* Does the Dominant punish you without explaining why?  
* Does the Dominant ignore your needs?  
* Does the Dominant express jealousy whenever you mention other Dominants or past relationships?  
* Does the Dominant take all your money and refuse to give you enough to cover your basic needs?  
* Does the Dominant participate in illegal actions, including the use of illegal drugs?  
* Have you ever second-guessed your decision to be in the relationship?  
* Has the Dominant ever questioned your loyalty when you question his or her behavior?  
* Has the Dominant ever knowingly let you go without necessary medical attention or medication?  
* Have you ever felt lonely even in the presence of your Dominant?  
* Does the Dominant punish you publicly or in front of others?  
* Has the Dominant ever refused to speak about his or her past?  
* Does your Dominant ignore limits or safety words?  
 
 
These questions are designed to range in type and severity, so look at each one carefully, and remember that everything is relative. If the Dominant has made you feel guilty one time because you were being nosey this is not necessarily a red flag or a warning sign. If every time you ask a question you are belittled and yelled at then yes that would be what I would consider a red flag. Look at the combination of answers, did you answer yes to those concerning control and discipline, if so do you think that the degree of control or discipline is unacceptable, specifically is it something that you did not consent to?  
 
Some questions must be answered carefully, like for instance if one of your fantasies is to be raped and you have ever had sex with the Dominant and were left feeling as if you had been raped then this is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes a Dominant will do something that others may consider wrong, and do it for all the right reasons, for example…every time you go over to your Mother\'s house she ends up yelling at you and getting you very upset, she never treats you with respect and you always end up depressed or mad when you go over there, because of this your Dominant will not allow you to go see your Mother. This is not an attempt to hurt you; it is an attempt to protect you and should not be viewed in a negative manner. The same thing goes for friends, are your friends hurting you or using you, do they take advantage of your submissive nature? Then it is only proper that your Dominant would restrict you from being around their negative influences.  
 
Basically you need to follow these simple steps.  
 
1. Go through the list and answer each question honestly.  
2. Go back though and look at each question that was answered YES.  
3. Was the behavior a one-time incident? If you answer yes, make a note of what brought on the incident and discuss it with your Dominant. If no, perhaps you should ask someone outside the relationship for his or her opinion.  
4. Was the behavior within your area of consent, by this I mean, did you consent to be treated in this manner, for example did you consent to the fact that you may be given away to another Dominant as a possibility within the relationship. If the answer is yes then you should pass over that specific question or answer it as no instead. If you did not consent then perhaps you and the Dominant need to talk about what you understand are the limits, boundaries, and structures of the relationship.  
5. What was the motivation behind the behavior? If the behavior was done out of carelessness or done unintentionally then I would suggest talking to the Dominant and letting him or her know how the behavior effected you. If the behavior was done out of anger or malice then perhaps you need to reevaluate the arrangements you currently have in your relationship.  
6. Are there extenuating circumstances surrounding the behavior? Has there been an unusual amount of stress within the Dominant\'s life, perhaps illness, or financial problems? If yes then perhaps you need to talk the circumstances over with the Dominant and maybe listen too, sometimes stress gets unintentionally passes on to those we care about, and we don\'t even realize it. If no then perhaps you need to ask the Dominant why they behaved in such a manner.  
7. Go back through your answers and look at them again. Using common sense do you think there is a pattern there? Are you being treated in a manner you did not consent to? Are you being used or manipulated?  
 
Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using t

6/1/2010 12:15:51 PM
Marks on the Soul  
 
 
 
Often we hear people discussing their marks. They wear their bruises, welts and cuts as badges of honor, ready to show them off to anyone who will look upon them. The web is full of pictures of body parts adorned with bruises, piercings, tattoos, welts, marking the wearer as owned, as a proud submissive, as a 'good' slave.  
 
And yet, few focus on what to me is most important. Few focus on the eyes, the soul, the emotions that connect Dominant and submissive, Master and slave.  
 
The marks that I wear on my soul are marks that will stay with me forever. They have become a part of me, a part of my growth, a part of my journey in life. They will never fade.  
 
I think one reason for this is perhaps the difficulty in describing what one feels. There is little if anything that matches the sensations, the thoughts the feelings that are contained in the soul of a submissive.  
 
How does one describe the overwhelming desire to please another?  
 
How does one describe the need to be controlled and to obey, even when obeying is not the easy thing?  
 
How does one explain that even when their mind aches, their heart hammers, the desire to close up, to run in fear of one's self, become so overwhelming a scream begins to form deep inside, that one turns to their Master, their Sensei, their O-sama, and finds comfort in the struggle, comfort in the strength of him?  
 
How does one explain the freedom found in peeling the layers of a lifetime, opening like a flower, soft, sensitive, and even raw, and feeling SO safe in the opening?  
 
How does one see these things you may ask. How can one see the emotions, the feelings? Impossible, right? No it is not impossible. They are visible. They are visible with the heart, the soul, the eyes even, if one chooses to look deep enough.  
 
It is visible in the eyes of a submissive as she looks to her Master  
with longing.  
 
It is visible in the hushed whispers of a Dominant as he praises  
his submissive.  
 
It is visible in the stern voice of a Master as he chastises his slave.  
 
It is visible in the touch of his hand on her shoulder,  
when fear fills her eyes.  
 
It is visible in the respect they show each other, themselves, and those around them.  
 
And it is visible in the unselfish way the slave serves her Master, giving to him all that she can, and more when that is his pleasure.  
 
The marks on the soul reside within. Some much more difficult to see than others. Wear them with honor. Cherish them. Display them proudly. Struggle to describe them if you must, but more importantly, simply feel them, surround yourself in them, and find freedom in them  
Marks on the Soul Often we hear people discussing their marks. They wear their bruises,

6/1/2010 12:11:53 PM
 
 
As a general rule it is safe to beat areas with a lot of fat or a lot of muscle. Avoid areas where bones are close to the surface or where major veins, arteries, nerves, or organs can be bruised or damaged.  
 
 
(1, 2 & 3) These areas are full of delicate bones and organs and should not undergo a proper beating. The upper arm can withstand a beating but most often just falls victim to whip-round from the back being beaten. Never strike the back of the head or neck. Face slapping is a fairly common activity but nothing more severe than a hand should be laid to the face. Light biting in the neck area is also safe.  
 
(4) Forearms are safe areas yet few people ever bother beating them. Avoid hitting the wrists because of delicate bones and veins. The wrist can be an erogenous zone for light kissing and caresses. The palm of the hands can take being slapped with a ruler, tawse or crop head.  
 
(5) Breasts are mostly fat but there are quite a few nerves at the nipples and the surrounding aureole. These areas differ in sensitivity from one person to another. Some people fear that beating the breasts may cause growths but this has never been studied and so no facts or proof are available. The female breast contains lots of ducts and lobules and it is possible for cysts to form if any of these are damaged, therefore it is wisest to beat this area with care  
 
(6) The pubic area, vulva, penis and scrotum are very sensitive areas. They can be beaten with due care. There are sensitive glands in the area of the vulva and irritation in that area can cause cysts to develop. For most men the cock and balls cannot take heavy treatment. Whether or not constant punishment of these areas causes desensitising is not proven so it is always best to proceed cautiously.  
 
(7) There are quite a few main nerves and bones close to the surface on the hips and it is best to avoid beating this area. Quite often whips and canes will strike here, if they wrap around from an arse beating, without causing any great harm.  
 
(8) The fleshy insides of the thighs may be very sensitive but they are safe to hit. The pain potential is quite high here. Avoid the higher area near the groin because of arteries  
 
 
(9) The spine is an area that should not be beaten especially the lower spine where it joins the fused, heart shape section of bone known as the sacrum or tailbone. Just below the sacrum is the tiny section of fused bone called the coccyx, which can be easily snapped off. The area of the sacrum and coccyx must never be beaten. Whilst it is difficult to avoid the spine when flogging or whipping the back care must be taken not to make deliberate, direct hits on it as the bones are close to the surface and have bony protuberances that point upwards. This is particularly noticeable on skinny people where the individual bones are visible through the skin. On others, this area is little more protected by a layer of fat or by the tenseness of the columns of muscle either side of the spine.  
 
(10) The upper back on either side of the spine is a good area to beat. It is well protected by a thick layer of muscle. Even so the shoulder blades are fairly close to the surface. This is why it is best to beat the back with very flexible toys. Do not use canes, crop handles or paddles on these areas as they may chip or bruise the bones.  
 
(11) The lower back should be avoided because, as mentioned above, the lower spine, sacrum and coccyx are vulnerable and also because the kidneys are attached directly to the muscle wall there and will be easily bruised or damaged.  
 
(12 & 13) The arse and thighs are well padded with fat. They can take more of a beating than other parts of the body, and this is why most time is spent on arse beating. Whilst wrap-rounds and mis-hits sometimes strike the sides on the hip areas it is best not to deliberately hit there.  
 
(14) The gluteal furrow, the narrow crease were the bum cheek joins the thigh, is a sadist's delight. It is able to withstand a good beating but is a very sensitive area and has the potential for great pain.  
 
(15) The calf areas are able to take beatings. DO NOT hit the back of the knees.  
 
(16) The bottom of the feet can take a harder beating than the palms of the hand though some people find it more tormenting to be tickled in this area.  
 
 
As a general rule it is safe to beat areas with a lot of fat or a lot of muscle. Avoid are

6/1/2010 12:08:18 PM
Most people like the bruises that result from BDSM activities, the medals of submission, however some people have occupations where visible bruising would cause awkward questions or perhaps their BDSM relationship is hidden from a vanilla partner. In such cases it is desirable for visible bruising to be kept to a minimum.  
 
What Is A Bruise?  
Bruising is caused by physical trauma that damages the capillaries located under the skin. The capillaries bleed and the characteristic bluish-black mark on the skin is this blood spreading through the body tissue. These dark marks will lighten in colour and eventually fade as the blood is absorbed by the tissues and carried away.  
 
How To Reduce Bruising  
 
:: Physical ::  
Warming Up : Hitting an area 'cold' can cause heavy bruising . To reduce bruising it is a good idea to warm up the target area before caning or beating. This can be done using a light weight flogger or with over-the-knee spanking, etc. Once the target area has a warm rosy glow it is ready for play. To reduce the likelihood of bruising even further repeat the warm-up procedure, using a flogger or spanking after play. This will help to dissipate the concentrations of blood that create bruises.  
 
Older Bruises: Sometimes bruises take their time to fade away. This can be speeded up by rapidly tapping the bruise with your hand or fingertips as often as possible or take a long hot bath. Both methods have the effect of loosening the stale, trapped blood and allowing it to be absorbed into the surrounding tissue.  
 
:: Diet ::  
Eat foods high in bioflavonoid, originally called Vitamin P. A bioflavonoid primary job is to protect the capillaries, keep them strong and to prevent bleeding. Bioflavonoids are also anti-inflammatory. Lemons, green peppers, broccoli and rose hips are good sources of bioflavonoid. If taking bioflavonoid supplements, for the best absorption into the body, take with Vitamin C.  
 
 
 
:: Pharmaceutical ::  
Lanolin Ointment and Hyracoid Cream  
 
The active ingredient in both these products is Heparinoid. Heparinoid is a substance similar to heparin (an anticoagulant made from beef lung). It improves the blood supply to the skin when applied as an ointment to reduce bruising and inflammation. External use only  
 
Use with caution on  
Broken skin or open wounds  
Infected wounds or ulcers  
Large areas of skin  
Lining of the body's cavities (mucous membranes)  
 
:: Herbal ::  
Arnica Montana , also known as Mountain Daisy, Leopard's Bane, Wolf's Bane and Mountain Tobacco, is an effective herbal remedy for bruises. It is best applied topically, that is to say applied externally and directly onto the area that requires the treatment.  
 
It is known that areas of the body that take a regular beating eventually stop showing the discoloration caused by bruising, but the tenderness or soreness of the bruise can still be felt. Arnica's anti-inflammatory properties help to ease these symptoms.  
 
There are many arnica creams, gels and other ointments and these are available from chemists and health shops. Avoid overuse as the cream base will moisturize the area and overuse will soften and possibly weaken the skin for future canings.  
 
St. Johns Wort can be used externally. Either adds a few drops of tincture to an organic oil or cream and gently apply to the bruised area or apply a few drops of the tincture directly to the skin and allow to soak in. An infusion can be used to bathe wounds, skin sores and bruises.  
 
Comfrey is among the oldest herbal remedies for skin problems. Poultices of the fresh leaves are a traditional home remedy for sprains, bruises and cuts. Comfrey not only promotes the healing of tissue and bone, but at the same time reduces swelling, effectively speeding up the healing process. Comfrey's healing powers have been attributed to its high content of allantoin, a substance that promotes the growth of tissue, bone and cartilage. Do not take internally as it contains pyrrolizidine alkaloids, compounds that are toxic to the liver.  
 
Cabbage has traditionally been used for medical purposes as well as for cooking. It has anti-inflammatory properties, and contains chemicals which can prevent cancer. Applied to bruises and swelling, macerated cabbage leaves will encourage healing.  
 
Parsley is a common garden herb, rich in vitamins and therapeutic properties. Parsley has the ability to shrink small blood vessels and is helpful in treating piles, broken or thread veins and bruising. Crush a handful of parsley and apply to bruised area. Repeat regularly with the fresh herb and the leaves will clear up the black-and-blue marks in a few days.  
 
Witch hazel is an astringent, anti-inflammatory and antiseptic. It disperses the blood and encourages healing. Bathing the area with witch hazel can cause a stinging sensation that wears off in a short time but it can also leave enduring red marks in areas where the skin has been scuffed or broken.  
Most people like the bruises that result from BDSM activities, the medals of submission, howev

6/1/2010 12:08:17 PM
Most people like the bruises that result from BDSM activities, the medals of submission, however some people have occupations where visible bruising would cause awkward questions or perhaps their BDSM relationship is hidden from a vanilla partner. In such cases it is desirable for visible bruising to be kept to a minimum.  
 
What Is A Bruise?  
Bruising is caused by physical trauma that damages the capillaries located under the skin. The capillaries bleed and the characteristic bluish-black mark on the skin is this blood spreading through the body tissue. These dark marks will lighten in colour and eventually fade as the blood is absorbed by the tissues and carried away.  
 
How To Reduce Bruising  
 
:: Physical ::  
Warming Up : Hitting an area 'cold' can cause heavy bruising . To reduce bruising it is a good idea to warm up the target area before caning or beating. This can be done using a light weight flogger or with over-the-knee spanking, etc. Once the target area has a warm rosy glow it is ready for play. To reduce the likelihood of bruising even further repeat the warm-up procedure, using a flogger or spanking after play. This will help to dissipate the concentrations of blood that create bruises.  
 
Older Bruises: Sometimes bruises take their time to fade away. This can be speeded up by rapidly tapping the bruise with your hand or fingertips as often as possible or take a long hot bath. Both methods have the effect of loosening the stale, trapped blood and allowing it to be absorbed into the surrounding tissue.  
 
:: Diet ::  
Eat foods high in bioflavonoid, originally called Vitamin P. A bioflavonoid primary job is to protect the capillaries, keep them strong and to prevent bleeding. Bioflavonoids are also anti-inflammatory. Lemons, green peppers, broccoli and rose hips are good sources of bioflavonoid. If taking bioflavonoid supplements, for the best absorption into the body, take with Vitamin C.  
 
 
 
:: Pharmaceutical ::  
Lanolin Ointment and Hyracoid Cream  
 
The active ingredient in both these products is Heparinoid. Heparinoid is a substance similar to heparin (an anticoagulant made from beef lung). It improves the blood supply to the skin when applied as an ointment to reduce bruising and inflammation. External use only  
 
Use with caution on  
Broken skin or open wounds  
Infected wounds or ulcers  
Large areas of skin  
Lining of the body's cavities (mucous membranes)  
 
:: Herbal ::  
Arnica Montana , also known as Mountain Daisy, Leopard's Bane, Wolf's Bane and Mountain Tobacco, is an effective herbal remedy for bruises. It is best applied topically, that is to say applied externally and directly onto the area that requires the treatment.  
 
It is known that areas of the body that take a regular beating eventually stop showing the discoloration caused by bruising, but the tenderness or soreness of the bruise can still be felt. Arnica's anti-inflammatory properties help to ease these symptoms.  
 
There are many arnica creams, gels and other ointments and these are available from chemists and health shops. Avoid overuse as the cream base will moisturize the area and overuse will soften and possibly weaken the skin for future canings.  
 
St. Johns Wort can be used externally. Either adds a few drops of tincture to an organic oil or cream and gently apply to the bruised area or apply a few drops of the tincture directly to the skin and allow to soak in. An infusion can be used to bathe wounds, skin sores and bruises.  
 
Comfrey is among the oldest herbal remedies for skin problems. Poultices of the fresh leaves are a traditional home remedy for sprains, bruises and cuts. Comfrey not only promotes the healing of tissue and bone, but at the same time reduces swelling, effectively speeding up the healing process. Comfrey's healing powers have been attributed to its high content of allantoin, a substance that promotes the growth of tissue, bone and cartilage. Do not take internally as it contains pyrrolizidine alkaloids, compounds that are toxic to the liver.  
 
Cabbage has traditionally been used for medical purposes as well as for cooking. It has anti-inflammatory properties, and contains chemicals which can prevent cancer. Applied to bruises and swelling, macerated cabbage leaves will encourage healing.  
 
Parsley is a common garden herb, rich in vitamins and therapeutic properties. Parsley has the ability to shrink small blood vessels and is helpful in treating piles, broken or thread veins and bruising. Crush a handful of parsley and apply to bruised area. Repeat regularly with the fresh herb and the leaves will clear up the black-and-blue marks in a few days.  
 
Witch hazel is an astringent, anti-inflammatory and antiseptic. It disperses the blood and encourages healing. Bathing the area with witch hazel can cause a stinging sensation that wears off in a short time but it can also leave enduring red marks in areas where the skin has been scuffed or broken.  
Most people like the bruises that result from BDSM activities, the medals of submission, howev

6/1/2010 12:01:09 PM
Book List  
reviewed by William Gadsby  
(Please note that the links are to sites where the best online reviews have been found)  
 
 
 
 
 
 
When Someone You Love Is Kinky  
Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt  
If you've been searching for ways to explain your 'kink' to a vanilla person, this book is a great place to start. I would recommend that you read it yourself first though. I don't think any book can be a substitute for an honest, thoughtful conversation, but this one certainly helps with those difficult questions that come up. It is very honest but gentle. This could be the best BDSM introduction about  
 
 
 
Different Loving : The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission  
Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame, Jon Jacobs  
A very literate, caring examination of D/s feelings and desires, consisting largely of a series of in-depth interviews.  
 
 
 
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns  
Phillip Miller and Molly Devon  
Bright, funny, a mixture of 'why' and 'how to'.  
 
 
 
SM 101  
Jay Wiseman  
The original 'how to' manual. First edition, printed on letter-size paper on a 1980s impact printer, photocopied and Cerlox bound. Some of the writing annoying (when the writer wants to use gender-neutral language, but can think of no better way than to write such gems as 'If your sub is naughty, spank them.'  
 
 
 
On The Safe Edge : A Manual For SM Play  
Trevor Jacques et al.  
Written by four men in Toronto.Technically very thorough.  
 
 
 
The New Topping Book  
Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt  
Excellent advice, often anecdotal. Talks well about the rights and responsiblities of the Top and what it is like to be a top. Makes the important point that Tops and bottoms are equals.  
 
 
 
The New Bottoming Book  
Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt  
Well written, clear, and concise. A quick read, and easy to understand. Cute illustrations. The authors are always very good about including all genders, preferences, and relationships. Safety is stressed, as always.  
 
 
 
The Loving Dominant  
John Warren  
Warren approaches the subject of BDSM with humour, seriousness, safety in mind, and perhaps most of all a love of the subject. The book has obviously been well researched and well written.  
 
Book List reviewed by William Gadsby (Please note that the links are to sites where the best

6/1/2010 11:59:16 AM
General Bondage Safety  
 
 
 
 
Fortunately, none of the dangers in basic bondage are inherent; all are preventable with good techniques and sensible precautions.  
 
In general:  
Never make any restraint too tight, especially around joints (wrists, elbows, knees, ankles) or the neck -- anywhere that major arteries or veins are near the surface. Generally, the harder and less flexible the restraint, the looser it should be. Metal cuffs and collars should be the loosest; they should be able to slide easily around the limb or neck. Light, flexible chains looped around a wrist or ankle and padlocked can be a little tighter, but very heavy, large-link chains can bruise a joint or pinch a nerve as easily as solid cuffs and should be used with caution. Stiff leather cuffs can be tighter but should still have some 'play' in them so they can be adjusted on the limb to keep the tension in a comfortable, safe direction. Rope and soft leather restraints, such as very lightweight cuffs or strips of glove leather, can be snug, but even with these you should be able to work one or two fingers between the restraint and the body.  
Snug restraints should not be left on too long, and never without regular monitoring. Every 10 minutes or so, check for cooling of the skin or discoloration (usually whitening) on the limb below where the restraint is fastened. Ask the bottom to tell you if any extremity starts to go numb (and bottoms should always volunteer this information if necessary).  
Avoid excess strain on muscles or joints by multiplying the points of tension to spread the effect over a wider area. Don't limit a rope web, for instance, to attachments at the wrists and ankles; attach ties to the elbows, knees, shoulders, waist, and thighs as well. The more widely distributed tension will be more exciting as well as safer. When you must put substantial tension on a single point, as when the bottom is held upright by restraints on hands stretched above the head, distribute the pressure over as wide an area as possible through the use of padded cuffs or wide coils of rope cinched between arms or legs.  
Never leave someone who's inescapably bound completely alone for long periods, and no more than a minute or two if they are gagged or tied by the neck. Keep in earshot at least and look in on them frequently.  
Make sure you know how to undo restraints before you put them on; keep any keys handy. Be prepared to cut difficult knots or bonds in an emergency.  
Go slow with novices and first encounters, and be especially sensitive to the bottom's emotional reactions, providing frequent gentle body contact, spoken encouragement, and other reassurance. Watch out for developing panic. A good rule of thumb for bottoms is, never let yourself be tied up on a first date. Get to know the top's style and abilities without bondage first. It's a judgment call whether to break this rule; it depends on how much you can learn about the top before you go home with them.  
 
Some Bondage Positions and Their Dangers  
 
 
A prone position (such as flat on a bed) has the least potential for problems, a vertical position (such as a standing spread-eagle) the greatest potential. If someone is tied standing up, it's fairly easy for their upper extremities to go numb or for them to faint or lose their balance and fall (putting even more stress on arms and wrists, or -- worst of all -- neck if that's tied). There's danger of a faint or fall even after release from a standing position, as you may be dizzy or shaky from impaired circulation. It's not necessary to avoid standing positions completely but you need to exercise extra caution.  
Even with the bottom prone, an extremely tight spread-eagle is very strenuous and should not be continued for any great length of time. Closely monitor the bottom for cramping or other distress. Leaving just an inch or two (5cm) of 'play' for each arm and leg may make the difference between a position that can be sustained for several hours and one that requires release in 15-30 minutes.  
Hogties (with wrists and ankles secured together) are always strenuous, and they can be very dangerous if the neck is collared, chained, or tied and then attached to the bonds on the wrists and ankles, putting pressure on the throat that can interfere with breathing. To hog-tie with head held off the floor or bed, use a tie attached to a gag strap, a forehead strap, a leather head harness, or the top of a hood -- anything that redirects the tension away from the neck. Monitor frequently to check for cramps or breathing problems because of the pressure of bodyweight on the chest. The wrists are also at risk in a hog-tie: Use only thick rope or leather straps, preferably applied over gloves, never handcuffs or thin cord.  
If you stretch someone horizontally as on a rack, do not pull so hard as to tear a ligament or tendon or to dislocate the joints in arms or legs. These are very serious medical problems that can only be handled properly by medical professionals. Because it's hard to see when you're going too far in this kind of scene, when in doubt, ease off. Extreme pain is a good clue that you're going too far. In a static stretching scene, where the tension does not change over time, the danger of a strain or dislocation comes from the bottom's own struggles. The key, therefore, is to give neither room nor reason for violent struggles. Bottoms should not have the slack to get leverage to pull one of their limbs hard enough to dislocate something and they should feel safe enough not to panic.  
 
Medical Problems and Injuries  
 
 
Numb or cold extremities  
Remove restraints and gently lower the arms and legs so blood can flow in. Massage any area that has become numb; apply warmth if necessary to restore circulation (use a heating pad or warm towels). A short period of numbness in previously bound extremities is common and usually does not indicate any serious problem; if the numbness lasts more than an hour or so, however, at least some nerves have been damaged. This typically happens when handcuffs are too tight and the nerves leading to the thumb are affected. If the nerves are simply 'pinched,' the condition will clear up on its own in a few days. However, excessively severe or prolonged bondage can permanently damage nerves with no effective medical treatment available; while killed nerves may regenerate, they do so very, very slowly.  
 
Bone fractures and dislocations  
Fractures in the wrists or ankles can be caused (though rarely) by steel restraints used improperly or carelessly; a fractured collarbone might result (though this is still less likely) from use of a steel collar or head cage. This will generally be a 'closed fracture' where the bone does not protrude through the skin. A joint might also be dislocated by struggles against tight restraints in an uncomfortable position. Symptoms are severe localized pain, tenderness to touch, deformity of the limb or joint, swelling, and discoloration of the surface skin (these latter two may take some time to develop). Do not attempt to fix a fracture or dislocation yourself: keep the victim still, immobilize the injured area, using bandages above and below the point of injury and splints along the limb then get the victim to a doctor or emergency room for medical attention.  
 
Bruises, sprains, and strains  
A 'bruised bone' is really an injury to the tissues surrounding it -- the muscles, tendons, or ligaments and the blood vessels serving them. A sprain is an injury to a joint (especially in the fingers, wrists, ankles, and knees) caused by forcing it to bend too far or in an unnatural direction. A strain is a muscle injury caused by excess exertion or stretching. In a serious sprain or strain, the tissues are actually torn, not just stretched. Symptoms of all three are pain on motion, extreme tenderness to touch, and swelling and discoloration (the surface manifestation of a bruise) developing over time. Any of them might be caused by awkward or overly strenuous bondage positions, particularly if the bottom has struggled against the bonds and thereby increased the tension at some point. Immobilize to avoid any further injury and use ICE: Ice or cold pack, Compression, and Elevation. Apply ice (not directly to the skin) or a cold pack for 20-30 minutes to retard or reduce swelling; gently compress the damaged area by wrapping it with elastic (Ace) bandages, making sure you do not bandage tightly, as this could interfere with blood circulation; as soon as possible -- this can be before you apply ice or a bandage -- elevate the limb to keep excess fluid from draining into it. Do not administer pain killers or alcohol. If the pain is extreme and you suspect a torn ligament or tendon, call an ambulance. If movement is not too painful after ICE and a couple of hours immobility, medical attention is probably not necessary unless severe symptoms are still present next day.  
 
Muscle Cramps  
A cramp is a sudden, painful muscle contraction, most commonly in a leg. Medically, a cramp is less serious than a sprain or strain, but it can be equally painful and debilitating. The best treatment is, first, gentle massage and reverse stretching of the affected muscle (for instance, if the back of the leg cramps, bend the foot inward, toward the body, which will stretch out the cramped muscle), followed by application of moist heat. Moving around and using the affected limb will promote circulation and help relax the cramped muscle.  
 
Fainting  
A faint is a temporary loss of consciousness because of decreased blood circulation to the brain (which can have many causes). A faint in itself is not dangerous, as breathing normally continues despite the unconsciousness, but it is scary to witness or experience. Someone who 'feels faint' should sit down immediately to avoid a fall (if bound standing up, release immediately and help down), and breathe deeply with their head between their knees. If someone actually faints, lay down and elevate legs and backside with pillows or padding. That will make it easier for blood to get to the brain and restore consciousness. You should not use smelling salts or ammonia to revive a fainting victim; only if their breathing stops or there are symptoms of heart failure should you take more aggressive measures. After coming out of a faint, the victim should rest quietly for at least an hour before moving. Do not administer any kind of drugs or alcohol, and give other water or liquids sparingly only if wanted. If unconsciousness continues for longer than a few minutes, seek emergency help.  
 
Rope burns or cuts, shackle chafing  
Essentially an abrasion wound. If there is no bleeding no special measures are needed except to avoid irritating the damaged area further. If there is bleeding wait for it to stop, and then cleanse the area thoroughly with sterile gauze pads and an antiseptic such as Dettol, Betadine or hydrogen peroxide. Make sure no particles of rope have been left in the wound. Bandage only if necessary to keep the wound clean and avoid further irritation (free air flow promotes healing).  
 
Breathing problems  
These are discussed separately under hoods and gags. However, remember that some bondage can cause them even without direct restriction of nose or mouth. In binding the body, always make sure that ropes or straps around the chest permit sufficient lung expansion for unimpeded breathing. Straitjackets can be particularly problematic in this respect. Don't just ask: look to see how far the chest moves, listen to the breathing to be sure and keep checking regularly throughout the scene. Many very rigorous stretched positions also can impede breathing: crucifixion victims, for instance, ultimately died of suffocation, because the strain of the body's unsupported weight eventually made it impossible for the chest to rise to take in air.  
 
Stiff or sore muscles  
These are almost inevitable in a long-term bondage scene, unless the bondage is very loose. They should not present a problem if no unreasonable demands are put on the affected muscles right after release; massage, warmth, and rest should get them back to normal use in an hour or two. Some soreness (not stiffness) may persist longer, but if it lasts longer than 48 hours, there is a chance that a strain or sprain occurred, and medical attention may be needed.  
 
Heat, cold, dehydration  
Problems in these areas are not common and not likely to be serious in an SM context, but simple precautions should be regularly taken. Problems from excess heat or cold may arise, respectively, in a long-term scene where the bottom is tightly wrapped or bound naked, so regulate the temperature of the room accordingly. Dehydration can occur in any long-term scene if the bottom is not allowed to replenish fluids lost through sweating and urinating, such as an outdoors summer stake-out in the summer, which could also present problems of sunburn if the bottom is naked. Anyone tied up for more than 4 hours should be given some fluid, especially if they've urinated during that time.  
 
General Bondage Safety Fortunately, none of the dangers in basic bondage are inherent

6/1/2010 6:33:46 AM
Where are you going submissive?”  
“To the bathroom ,” came the defiant answer,  
“Did you ask permission?”  
“I'm only going for a pee.” The respect no longer in her voice. This had been happening over the past few days. Ok she was busy with extra work and the demands of keeping the home as her Master liked, but He felt that something needed to be done before it went too far.  
 
“Here,” the one word was spoken not unkindly but with authority. She stopped and looked. Not wanting to be stopped, she had put off going to the bathroom for long enough. she had been sorting out the kitchen cupboards, a job she had put off for some time. she was doing it for him she thought, wanting to say so, to keep the home as her Master liked, how He ordered her to. she sighed shaking her defiant thought to the back of her mind.  
 
Slowly she moved towards Him, a sweet smile coming across her face, she went to put her arms around His neck, and in a sultry voice said, “You wanted me for something special Master?” wanting to warm the coolness she now felt in the air. Taking hold of each wrist he moved her arm down to her sides, “You want to pee submissive?” he asked matter of fact,  
“Yes sir.” she answered a knot tightening inside her stomach, she knew the tone of her Master meant he was serious.  
“Then you can pee here.” She let out an involuntary gasp; they had never played water sports. Ok when they had gone through the check list of what they would and would not do, she had put a 'would try if other wanted', but now to be told to pee herself, in front of her Master, in the living room, this was not what she had expected. She gave an awkward smile,  
“Your joking aren't you?” she asked hoping rather than believing this to be the case.  
“No submissive. I do not joke. It’s just one simple order”  
“Master can I do it in the bathroom, while you watch?” she gabbled, desperate to get out of the situation. she felt her heart pumping hard in her chest, her head was spinning. How could she pee herself? she suddenly became aware of the tight fitting black jeans she was wearing.  
“Master i am sorry i…” she was not allowed to finish her sentence, her Masters finger touching her lips into silence.  
“Submissive you tell me you don't want to pee your pants, I am your Master I tell you to do it now.” His voice was firm, there was no aggression in the order, but as the sentence finished, the submissive felt a warmth in her pants, realising she was doing as ordered, she was peeing her pants. She felt the delicious release as her bladder emptied, the warm wetness spreading over and down her jeans. She lowered her head, ashamed of her wetness, yet exhilarated by her submission to her Master.  
“Good girl” her Master's voice was full of pride. But the embarrassment took hold of the submissive, “Can I change now Sir?” she started to move towards the stairs, the stairs that would lead her away from this humiliation.  
“Hold on.” He took hold of her arm, you no longer need to go upstairs and your attitude tells me you are not yet ready to change out of your pants. She looked up into his face, a loving face looked back at her, no anger, no embarrassment for him, just love, the firm love that only a submissive sees. She lowered her gaze once more. Now the shame of the attitude she had shown her Master over the past few days came flooding back to her, now standing before Him her pants wet with her own pee, she felt totally ashamed.  
 
“Go finish what you are doing in the kitchen, then you may come and ask to shower.”  
“Yes sir” was her only answer as she moved to the kitchen. He sat back at his computer, and looked at his submissive as she went back to her work, the door left open. He could see her bending putting things back into the cupboards, he could see the darker area on her jeans. No he must not let himself think like that, this was not play, this was to teach his beautiful submissive, the one he loved more than any other. He looked back at the screen showing the emails waiting to be answered, but watching his submissive pee on order had turned him on more than he would ever of thought. Was it the obeying of the order or was it watching her do something that is taboo in polite society.  
 
She felt the warmth slowly turn to coldness on her groin and legs, as she moved about the kitchen, putting the dishes, pots and pans away. Why had she started this job today, why was it that she never seemed to have the time to do the things she wanted. She felt tears spring to her eyes, she was uncomfortable, embarrassed, why was He doing this to her. she kept His home as He ordered she did all that was asked of her, she felt anger start to rise, as she continued. SMASH, she dropped a fruit bowl, slithers of glass showering over the floor. He looked up at the sound, and instantly knew his submissive was at breaking point, he left his work and entered the kitchen, the smell of his sweet submissive filled the air. “Leave that,” he ordered, “Ill clean that up.” He reached for the broom. 'You're nearly finished, not much left' his voice reassured her, quickly and without any effort he swept the broken glass into a dustpan and left the kitchen to put it into the dustbin. Once in the garden, he stopped, had he pushed her to far? Walking the fine line was not easy, even for a couple like them who loved each other beyond all things. He looked at the garden the spring flowers, starting to show their heads, another year with the one he loved. Life had brought them together some three years ago, and they had grown from strength to strength. No, he knew his submissive, this was good for her.  
 
She took a deep breath, no she was not going to cry. He had come to clean the glass up, she was so glad about that, it was now very uncomfortable in her jeans, and she so wanted the shower. She started to clean the work surfaces, the final job. She looked at the kitchen floor, oh heck I suppose I should do that also, she thought, but as if reading her mind he entered the kitchen, “don't worry about the floor,” he said “that can be left until tomorrow.” She smiled inwardly; he seemed to know what she was thinking. The anger in her had gone, she was uncomfortable, and yet the feeling in her groin was one of longing, could this be turning her on?  
 
Finished she walked into the living room and kneeling before her Master she announced she had completed cleaning the kitchen and asked could she now please go shower. He looked down at her, he so wanted her. she was so beautiful even with her hair falling about her dirt-streaked face. “You want to shower my submissive? Or would you prefer to remain were you are, while I finish what I am doing, then I will bath you. The decision is yours.” It was always special whenever her Master bathed her. The first time she was shocked at Master soaping her down. He had kissed her and explained that he bathed her because she was the most important thing in his life, and in bathing her he was able to check all was well. This was something that he done often, and it always made her feel so special, so wanted. She wanted to get out of the jeans but she felt a smile cross her face, “i will wait for my Master” came her reply.  
 
As she knelt as his feet waiting for him, he gently asked “Submissive, what you are thinking?”  
“I am so proud to be your submissive” she spoke quietly but with total honesty “i love you more than i have ever loved another.”  
“Are you embarrassed by your wetness?” He asked.  
“No sir not any more.” The love and submission to her Master had taken away all embarrassment.  
 
Twenty minutes later as she stepped into the warm bath water, her Master now kneeling by the side of the bath. She smiled once more; he asked her “How did it feel submissive?”  
“I was shocked at first” she started “then embarrassed, humiliated sir, but sir, the over whelming feeling was one of exhilaration. In submitting to your orders.”  
“Submissive did it turn you on?” she lowered her eyes, and smiled shyly,  
“Yes sir it did.” came the quiet reply.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Where are you going submissive?” “To the bathroom ,” came the defiant answer, “Did you ask p

6/1/2010 6:17:21 AM
Countdown  
 
One step forward  
Closer to you  
Two steps closer  
Nearer to you  
Three steps nearer  
To the one I love  
Four steps there  
With you my love  
 
Five steps six steps  
My clothing departed  
Seven steps quickening  
My legs are now parted  
Eight steps and you  
Touch me as I like  
Nine you hold me  
Ever so tight  
Ten im in orbit  
Floating away  
 
Countdown, blast off,  
watch out moon im on my wayCountdown One step forward Closer to you Two steps closer Nearer to you Three steps nea

6/1/2010 6:13:12 AM
Submission  
 
 
 
What is it to me?  
 
It is everything yet the word means nothing. The emotions embrace you; they take over like a virus and trick you into allowing them to effectively infect every cell in your being. It's like a drug that turns the world into a rosy haze. Its like a love affair with Satan, you know you will go to hell for it but eternal torment is a small price to pay for such bliss. You can read about how wonderful submission is. You can talk to people and be told what submission is to them. Until I met Master I only thought it would be wonderful, I even at one point thought I was experiencing it but I soon out grew sensations. I'm not the airy fairy type. I'm not the sort to fall in love online, but as I chatted to my now Master I felt a strong feeling of being drawn to him. It even unnerved me a bit; I had never really not been in control of what was happening. When I met him I knew he was the one but I also knew it's always best to take it slowly and not jump in the deep end before u have learnt to swim.  
 
I had already had one BDSM relationship before I met Master, it didn't work but it did teach me a lot about myself and my self worth. Some gifts no matter how much you think they need to be given cannot be given to any fool who demands it.  
 
As I am writing this I am very aware tomorrow brings another scene. The scene in its self holds no fear, I know I am safe, but the worry for me is more my fear of the fear. I cannot think about what I am going to face. My Master is a sadist, my gifts to him are my tears and my pain but those bits are easy. I hate the pain so sobbing comes quite easily. What I find hard is not fighting, not fleeing, and just moving back into position for another stroke. The cane bruises, breaks the skin, in my head it feels like it's sliced though my thighs. I sob, I beg and I am told I am a good girl - lol. I will sometimes though my tears inform Master that I really don't want to be a good girl anymore. Being a good girl doesn't help me take the next stroke or make the last stroke hurt any less. Some days are harder than others, my head tells me I must be mad or I have taken as much as I can and I almost fight it in my head. Other days I sometimes get to a point where I almost surrender to the pain. I have a safe word, it's for when something is wrong and I need to let Master know. I don't expect to need it but I also do not expect Master to be psychic, he's good but not that good - lol.  
 
Sceneing is hard; I find the next one harder than the last, but in saying that I don't actually remember much of past scenes. I find in the process of coming back when I'm still floaty, the pain, the tears, the number of strokes fade away. All I have left is the knowledge I gave a little more of my soul.  
 
Now from what I have already said the scene sounds like hell and it is, but I need it. It's one of those few times in ones life when you can stand before someone completely naked. No clothing, no barriers just me and my tears and my pain. Its beautiful, I can let go, surrender all the bad days and my frustrations. All those things we hold on to that build up I get to let go of. Who gives the more important gift? Me in my surrender or Master in his security and protection? I don't ever feel any less than Master, I am not below him. I see the M/s relationship more like two sides of a coin, it's worthless without the other.  
 
I keep a record of how much I take in a scene, since I forget I ask Master to tell me how many of what. I work hard for my marks. I am proud of them, of myself. Each mark almost feels like he has written his name over my body. Every bruise cost me tears my bruises are priceless. I wear my marks as a sign of my love for my Master.  
 
My submission, my surrender has given me an insight I have never had before. I watched the world in black and white and Master has given me color. I crave my Master's touch I crave how his touch quiets my soul, my turbulent oceans suddenly calm. I crave his hands round my throat and the squeeze.  
 
My god who else could I trust with my life in their hands?  
 
Recently I was in the train station. I stood and watch the trains go past. The noise from their engines used to scare me when I was little. Today the sound was fascinating, It's not something I need to fear anymore. My submission has made me brave. Whoever said you have nothing to fear but fear its self was right. I fear worrying so much about the pain that I actually stop my self from hurting as much as I can.  
 
Submission, my submission teaches me a little more about myself every day. Every day I realize something new, something so obvious that I can't understand how I ever didn't know it. This act, my submission, my surrender, is my freedom. My Master's laws don't bind me from things I can't do, they allow me to do the things I can. I am no longer bound by my own uncertainties.  
 
I love him for who he is, I love him for reaching inside of me and opening the box where I hide all the good and the bad bits from the world. I love him enough to give him the box where I once hid all these things because with him I no longer need it. He is not all that I am but he has made me more than I ever would have been and for this freedom I thank Him.  
Submission What is it to me? It is everything yet the word means nothing. The emot

6/1/2010 4:27:29 AM
How To …. Attend Munches  
 
 
 
Overcoming nerves.  
Most people walking into an unknown location or situation will be nervous. They don't know what to expect or what lies on the other side of the door. BDSMers are an understanding bunch, they know newcomers will feel this way and so steps are taken to minimise the anguish.  
If the venue is local to you take the opportunity to call in there for a drink some time before the munch date. Go with a friend. Familiarise yourself with the surroundings and layout. This helps you to get over the 'what's behind the door' feeling.  
Many munches set up a meet 'n greet system where someone will meet you at the door as you arrive. Some even provide name tags for ease of identification.  
Having the cell number of a regular muncher is another handy way of getting into the venue with ease. You can call ahead and ask what part of the pub they are sitting in or, if you can't take that step over the threshold, you can call them and ask them to come out and drag you in.  
 
Once Inside  
Most munches are not private events and are held in pubs alongside the drinking public. The munch dress code is most often casual, jeans and T-shirt type of wear. This means you are not going to walk into a group of latex and rubber clad fetishers although there will almost certainly be a lot of 'regulation' black and the occasional pair of leather trousers. Some munch members may be discretely wearing collars.  
Despite the lack of flamboyant fetishwear, recognising the group is usually fairly simple. You will have been given some clue of identification before hand - 'look for the table with the teddy bear on it' – or some similar clue.  
Since a lot of munches are held on week nights the munchers are also likely to be the only group in the place. If in doubt – ask!! – 'Excuse me – is this the toytown munch?'. The general public are unlikely know what a munch is so if you get the wrong table the response will be a 'no'. Rest assured that they are not likely to leap up, point at you and scream 'pervert!! pervert!!'  
I've heard of some people who have turned up at a venue but failed to meet anyone because they were too scared to approach. You will regret this if it happens to you.  
 
What to expect  
A munch is not a play party. It is a group of people with a similar interest meeting to chat and drink and make new friends. People will not be laid across tables and caned senseless. You may get propositioned, as BDSMers are frank and open people who are out to find a partner for their chosen activities.  
If you are uncomfortable at all with anyone's approach to you then say so. It is far better, and safer, to speak out than find yourself in a situation you would rather not be in. People who are interested in chatting and getting to know you are a better bet than those who want to know if you'll meet them for a session next week.  
Because BDSMers are overt you will find yourself happily talking about things you like without a feeling of taboo. It is not easy to shock a BDSMer, even the most extreme fantasy you hold will bring a 'mmmm – might try that' from somewhere in the group.  
BDSM ranges from the easy to the extreme, from the subtle to the sublime, so if you just want a good spanking or if you fantasise of being tortured or giving pain, you are certain to find others in the group who can equate to you.  
 
What is discussed?  
There is no real answer to this other than 'whatever'. The talk could be about sessions and toys – or it could be about football or food. One noticeable topic in any organised group is internal politics and gossip. This can create bonding or it can create animosity but since we are all human it is something that can rarely be avoided in any social group. If you don't want to get involved in internal politics then don't.  
Personally though I will advocate the use of gossip. BDSM, and in particular S&M, requires a good amount of trust in the sanity of your partner. Some people can seem very sociable in public but a little less desirable in private. Some may proclaim their years of experience and then show themselves to be inept in practise. The exchange of information is like a safety network within the BDSM lifestyle. People may have tales to tell that will stop you being duped or trusting too soon.  
 
Will I have to buy a round for the whole group?  
You can if you want but you don't have to.  
 
Will There Be Food?  
The term 'munch' is a bit of a misnomer. Food is not generally organised for the event so whether food is available or not is determined by the type of venue the munch is held at. If you intend to eat while you are out it is best to check if the place does pub grub before setting out.  
 
How Do I Find Out About Munches?  
If you are in the USA based then a good resource for local munch events is Informed Consent. Munches are listed there with links through to the relevant websites where you can get the location and dates etc. If you are part of a newsgroup then munch information will turn up in emails. If you are in any of the BDSM chatrooms you will see munches mentioned and, if they are in your area you can ask for further details.  
 
Don'ts  
Don't be afraid to ask  
Don't get drunk  
Don't go off and play with someone you've only just met  
Don't be afraid to say 'no'  
Don't tell lies about yourself  
Don't let your mouth write cheques that you body or regular life can't honour  
How To …. Attend Munches Overcoming nerves. Most people walking into an unknown locat

6/1/2010 3:48:33 AM
Into the world of D/s  
 
Into your life He came, changing all you know.  
Turning your thoughts around, giving you hope.  
Leading you along a path, that takes you to a place so new.  
The world that was beyond you, a world you longed to know.  
He holds you and He guides you, along the way.  
Things that were a dream to you, you now experience.  
your life is now flowing, full of hope and joy.  
so much feelings for your Master, showing you the D/s way.Into the world of D/s Into your life He came, changing all you know. Turning your thoughts

5/31/2010 8:37:22 PM
Dominants, are you prepared?  
 
 
Are you prepared?  
 
Are you prepared to deal with the welts and bruises your hands and toys may bring?  
 
Are you prepared to handle accidentally cutting open the flesh with your toys, either from your bad aim or the submissive moving? Even if the scars never heal?  
 
Are you prepared for the accidental breaking of a bone?  
 
Are you prepared for the accidental burning of the flesh?  
 
Are you prepared for accidentally putting out an eye, rupturing a vital organ?  
 
Are you prepared for your submissive to pass out?  
 
Are you prepared for your submissive to freak out?  
 
Are you prepared for your submissive to go insane? To the point of commitment?  
 
Are you prepared for a suicidal submissive? A successful suicidal submissive?  
 
Are you prepared to put back all the pieces?  
 
Will you act calmly when any of these disasters occur? Rationally? Quickly?  
 
How versed are you in first aid?  
 
Will you panic yourself at the sight of your submissive's blood?  
 
Will you watch your submissive burn, or will you cover her with your own body to extinguish the flames?  
 
Do you know the number to 911(999)? Are you sure?  
 
Can you deal with yourself when you accidentally hurt yourself? Hurt them badly? If they are scarred forever?  
 
Do you really believe that accidents won't happen to you?  
 
Or do you expect them? Because you know they will happen no matter how hard you try to make a scene safe, no matter how experienced you are, not matter how many times you have done the same thing before? Is your guard always up? Are you always on your game?  
 
Do you realize how fucking dangerous this all is?  
 
A split second, an inch too far with a whip will slice someone open, disfigure them for life, or put out eyes in an instant.  
 
Two inches too high with a paddle will break a tailbone. Months of intense pain and rehab for the submissive. Have you ever gotten so wrapped up in a scene where you could miss by only 2 inches?  
 
A wrap over the shoulder with a heavy flogger can snap a collar bone in an instant. How perfect is your aim? Drop that same heavy flogger too low and the submissive will be pissing blood from the bruised kidney. Just how good are you? Can you keep your concentration up when the submissive has an orgasm? Will your excitement alter your aim?  
 
Did you look to see where the air vents were the last time you played with fire? Why not? You know what a quick burst of wind can do to a flame don't you? Do you like the smell of burning flesh?  
 
What happens when you take the play piercing out and blood shoots 10 feet in the air? Are you ready for this? Can you handle your submissive's panic when you go through an artery instead of muscle or skin?  
 
What are you going to do when the submissive starts bawling in the middle of a scene? Crying so hard he/she can't, won't talk? What if this goes on for over an hour, what are you going to do?  
 
If you split their ass open with a cane or pull a nipple halfway off with a clip, are you going to use a Band-Aid or are you going to take them to the hospital? What are you going to say if you have to show up at a hospital with a submissive? Have you ever given that any thought?  
 
What if the submissive has a total breakdown? Are you going to take her to the hospital for that? Will you wait in the lobby for her? For days? Are you prepared to do whatever it takes to keep a despondent submissive from taking their own life? Will you be there to explain things to their parents if you can't stop it?  
 
Have you thought about any of this? Are you really prepared to be a Dominant?  
 
 
Dominants, are you prepared? Are you prepared? Are you prepared to deal with the wel

5/31/2010 8:33:53 PM
A Dip In The Reality Pool  
 
 
1. You have at least one right. You have the right to walk away, but you must accept that it will probably mean no going back.  
 
2. 24/7 is a mindset, the lifestyle will involve family, work and bills just like any other way of life.  
 
3. You will get hurt non-consensually sometimes.  
 
4. Don't trust too quickly.  
 
5. Don't agree to things in cyber that you know you cannot accomplish in real life.  
 
6. Your cyber safeword is the off button on your computer. Use it.  
 
7. There are going to be times when you're just not in the mood to do anything. Prepare yourself mentally for it because it is still going to happen..  
 
8. There will come a time when you see your Dominant scratching himself, belching and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well.  
 
9. 24/7 Total Power Exchange is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling, is.  
 
10. Don't submit to or collar someone you have only ever 'met' online or phone.  
 
11. Distance is not insurmountable.  
 
12. If you meet false or potentially dangerous people, name them so others don't fall into the same trap.  
 
13. Tell your doctor what you're into, or be prepared to deal with them reporting you to the authorities.  
 
14. An expensive flogger doesn't make you a better Dominant.  
 
15. Transmitted diseases exist and some can kill, practice safe sex with new partners.  
 
16. Don't give up your friends. You might need them later.  
 
17. Never introduce yourself with the line 'I have no limits'. Everyone has limits.  
 
18. You are only sub to the person who holds your submission, and only Master/Mistress to the person you own  
 
19. Don't believe everything you read, especially if it was written by John Norman.  
 
20. Just because the screen name says Master/Mistress doesn't mean they are one.  
 
21. Networking information about others is safe practice not gossip.  
 
22. Safecalls work. Use them.  
 
23. It doesn't mean someone is into BDSM just because they've turned up at a munch or a fair  
 
24. This is not all about sex. Think twice if your potential partner only seems interested in talking about sex.  
 
25. People are not always nice. Some manipulate the kind-hearted or prey on the vulnerable.  
 
26. A Dominant is not a mind reader. However, a submissive needs to be.  
 
27. Beware of self styled gurus who act like they know it all. Always seek other opinions.  
 
28. Leather trousers or thigh boots and stockings do not make a Dominant.  
 
29. If a relationship fails, accept it and walk away with grace. Nobody likes a stalker.  
 
30. A Dominant who stops you from speaking to others in the lifestyle is probably insecure and unsure of his ability to hold control over you.  
 
31. An experienced Dominant will work from the submissive's level of experience.  
 
32. Ask yourself - would a Dominant insist you used capital letters in their name when chatting with you face to face?  
 
A Dip In The Reality Pool 1. You have at least one right. You have the right to walk away

5/31/2010 8:31:22 PM
So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or submissive, or at least that you are interested enough in either of these that you want to explore the possibilities they offer further. The question is, how do you find someone with whom to explore them, without jeopardizing your safety or discretion?  
 
In this wired world, many people get their first introduction into BDSM online. While chat rooms are a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle, only rarely do such online connections lead to successful, long lasting real relationships. In fact, when it comes to finding a real life partner online relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help. Why? Because once you are involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather than on finding a real life partner. Time and time again I have people tell me about this wonderful long distance relationship they have, and time and time again those relationships fall apart. Relationships need contact, they need smiles and hugs and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things they are almost bound to fail.  
 
In my opinion, people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the practicalities of a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be with a partner they hardly know and b) making the relationship work once they get there. I know some people do manage it, but the fact is chat room relationships rarely turn into successful real life ones. If you're serious about finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex.  
 
I personally know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationship and when she and her prospective Master finally met, they lasted less than a week. A year is an awful amount of time to waste.  
 
A better way to find that perfect Dom or sub, is to hook into the local 'scene' (there's bound to be one) and to attend various club events, play parties, munches and so forth. However, before you dash off to look up BDSM Clubs in the yellow pages, be aware that many of the folk who attend such events are pretty much 'out there' as far as their sexual proclivities are concerned, and consequently their sense of discretion may not be what you would hope it to be. If you're not reasonably comfortable with being asked 'who were those leather clad weirdo's I saw you with Saturday?' you're better off giving them a wide berth.  
 
To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise on line. Effective that is, if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution, and just a little common sense. On line services like these are discrete and reliable, allow you to be very specific about what you want and are cost effective, but (there's always a but right?) to make the most of them you do have to use them properly.  
 
 
Step 1 - Prepare  
 
You need to determine for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you are looking for in a partner. I know this can be difficult if you're totally new to the lifestyle, but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you really looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination and put yourself into a 'virtual' D/s relationship. What is the relationship like? How does your partner treat you? What are the relationships governing rules?  
 
What happens when the rules are broken? Spend some time thinking about these questions and build a picture in your mind of the relationship that you want. When the picture is reasonably clear, write it down.  
 
Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for, you can start to prepare yourself for it. You may want to read some of the articles on this and other sites and look at some of the books in the Book List section.  
 
As a rule of thumb Dominants can best prepare by understanding as best they can what makes a sub tick and submissives can best prepare by learning the attitude and some of the skills a typical Master may demand of them.  
 
By the way - you may feel that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and takes some of the romance out of it, but I beg to differ. Our upbringing and day-to-day experiences go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla relationship - so why should D/s one be any different?  
 
 
Step 2 - Advertise  
 
Take care in creating your advertisement (also known as a profile) - it's worth spending a bit of time on it and getting right, and a well crafted ad that's free of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors is much more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest. Don't make the mistake of overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.  
 
You want to reach as wide and audience as possible, so join and create a free profile on at least two specifically kink related personal ad sites and one vanilla site (if you word your ad properly you'll be surprised at how effective a vanilla site can be).  
 
Once you have completed your profile, browse through some of the other advertisements specific to your area to get a feel for whose out there and what they are looking for. Free membership to most of these sites limits the number of ads you can look at and / or respond to in a given period so it's certainly worth thinking about paying for membership to at least one of them. In most cases a three-month membership (which should be plenty) can be pretty cheap when you consider the impact it might have on the rest of your life.  
 
 
Step 3 - Taking it further  
 
Okay, so your profile is complete and you just have to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's ads submissives in particular seem to feel that they ought not to not 'make the first move', but if the Doms didn't want replies they wouldn't have placed the ad in the first place. Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to ads as well as waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with the right person.  
 
(A note for subs - it's not uncommon for personals sites to allow free female members to reply to ads but not to allow free male advertisers to do so - all the more reason for you to reply to ads, and all the more reason for the men to stump up with the cash to become a paid up member.)  
 
 
A few Do's and don'ts:  
 
 
DO:  
 
Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself  
 
Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like  
 
Be polite and avoid crudity  
 
Take your time to get the reply right  
 
Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on hotmail.com specifically for the purpose)  
 
 
DON'T  
 
Include your phone number or anything that might identify you  
 
Be tempted to respond to more than 4 or 5 ads at a time  
 
Be impolite  
 
Overstate your interests or experience  
 
Reply to ads that clearly don't fit your requirements, or where you don't fit theirs  
 
Reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.  
 
 
Once you start getting replies, it's important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it's just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you're asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you've asked is downright rude.  
 
 
Step 4 - Meeting  
 
So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to your ad, responded to one or two and you think you've found 'the one'. What next? Well that's really up to you, but I suggest a number of emails back and forth about what each of you are looking for, followed by some very long 'getting to know you' phone calls. Don't be in too much of a hurry - if they really are 'the one', they'll wait.  
 
 
Just before I go though, a few points about first time meeting safety - particularly for the ladies:  
 
Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.  
 
Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.  
 
Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.  
 
Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know him or her well.  
 
Take a cell phone with you.  
 
Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out. It's pointlesss wasting time and energy on a relationship that doesn't feel right. Don't fool yourself into believing that it might change for the better if you hang in there.  
 
 
Finally good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner and it all works out well for you.  
So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or submissive, or at

5/31/2010 8:24:18 PM
This is an attempt to define BDSM briefly using book sources and sites around the web. It is accepted here that there is a nuance to BDSM and that methods and techniques are individual to the participants. It is also accepted that nobody will necessarily just fall into one category, many spanning all aspects of the definition. But the point being made here is that there is a basic criterion and to be part of BDSM would require participating in at least one aspect of the definition.  
 
 
 
 
 
The Play  
B&D stands for Bondage and Discipline but the term is used more commonly to describe the people who play together as-and-when but have no power exchange in between sessions.  
 
B&Ders rely heavily on safe words to control play. The Top is empowered to dominate by the bottom's consent. This consent can be withdrawn at any time during play and that withdrawal will be respected by the Top.  
 
The term B&D most often covers the club scene but also takes in the itinerant ropers who enjoy doing bondage and suspension, those who specialize in shibari and disciplinarians who help to modify behavior like tardiness or quitting smoking.  
 
B&Ders often enjoy role play scenarios such as headmaster/pupil, master/slave, medico/patient.  
 
Many are into B&D just for the kink and the fun and can take it or leave it on a whim. Others may actually be need-driven.  
 
Recent changes have seen B&D referred to as SM or S/M (not to be confused with S&M, see The Pain paragraph below).  
 
In B&D the players are usually known as Tops and bottoms and quite often enjoy switching roles.  
 
 
 
 
 
The Power  
D&s stands for Domination and submission in a total power exchange (TPE) relationship. It is sometimes referred to as M/s.  
 
D&s relationships are generally long term commitments where the power exchange is accepted as being there 24/7/365. Submission/consent is given once on the outset of the relationship and is present throughout. To withdraw consent would break the submission and end the D&s relationship. D&s therefore relies heavily on trust, honesty, love and care from both sides.  
 
People have often dismissed the TPE as being unworkable, believing that it means the sub is left naked and in chains, all day every day, in their Dominant's service but this is some fantasy perception and not reality at all. Although D&s submissives live in service to their Master/Mistress, the personal dynamics between them do not alter their social or business personnae and both partners are as adept as anyone else to lead mainstream public lives  
 
Another misconception is that D&s describes the sex games of being passive or dominant, either privately or in swingers groups, to enhance love-making or raw sex. If the TPE is not present throughout all aspects of the relationship then it is not D&s.  
 
D&s and M/s are need-driven, that is to say that something deep in the core of the person forces them to seek out this type of relationship. It is not a game or a kink.  
 
Partners in this arena are most often known as Master/Mistress and sub.  
 
 
 
 
 
The Pain  
S&M stands for sadism and masochism and covers the ones who need to give pain and the ones who need to take pain. These can run in parallel quite neatly with either of the above definitions.  
 
Generally S&Mers need to get to the point of what would be regarded as non-consensuality. To the tears and beyond. To the outsider this is often seen as abusive. However, since the partner has consented to stay in the presence of the sadist it falls into the realms of consensual non-consensuality.  
 
As with D&s, S&M is need-driven and taken very seriously. If the needs are not met they manifest in bad health and social dysfunction.  
 
Because some people like the concept of the darkness and awe of S&M but have no drive to push limits, seeing it as abusive or mentally unstable, recent changes have produced the term SM or S/M rather than S&M. This describes the people who do caning and flogging for mutual erotic pleasure with safewords as in B&D (see The Play paragraph above) whilst keeping themselves safely seperate from the 'hard core' sadists and masochists who are out to push beyond limits to get where they need to be.  
 
As with B&D many do this pseudo S&M for fun and kink and can walk away from it whenever they get bored with it all.  
 
S&M activities tend to be illegal ones, falling under the laws of ABH and GBH and consenting to them will not be accepted as a defence in a court. S&Mers rarely participate in their activities in the public arena unless in small private and exclusive groups.  
 
SM and S/M are the play version and activities there are rarely seen as illegal unless the safeword is abused.  
 
The participants of S&M can be Top, bottom, switch, Master/Mistress or sub depending upon the type of relationship they have.  
 
 
 
This is an attempt to define BDSM briefly using book sources and sites around the web. It is a

5/31/2010 8:13:25 PM
kin on skin  
 
Skin on skin  
Masters hand training  
skin on skin  
The submissive glowing  
 
Skin on skin  
Heavy hand falling  
Skin on skin  
Desire, passion growing  
 
Skin on skin  
Guiding and cherishing  
Skin on skin  
Masters work controlling  
 
A bond true  
From Master to sub  
Founded on  
Honesty and Lovekin on skin Skin on skin Masters hand training skin on skin The submissive glowing Sk

5/31/2010 8:11:29 PM
Sexually dominant/submissive relationships or SDS is a collection of behaviors involving domination and submissive acts in an emotional and erotic play that involves physical and emotional risks. Because of this, this type of behavior requires instruction to ensure it is kept in safe boundaries. Celebrity healer, Tayo Hendrix explains that these type of relationships require a commitment at a much deeper level that many 'normal' relationships. It is all about trust.  
 
With this in mind, consider these tips for safety: 'Only enter a SDS relationship with people you know well and trust. It may be that you have just met someone over the internet or phone and feel a pull towards them. Do so only when you are sure you feel safe to precede and ensure you meet in a public place. A park or somewhere with people around - never ever your home.'  
 
'When practicing SDS for the first time always remember if you are not fit to drive you are not fit to perform SDS it is something that should be given your full understanding and attention to and should never be thought of as a quick kinky session with a stranger.'  
 
In other words this is not something to try during a drunken quickie or one night stand.  
 
Tayo continues: 'When performing SDS always have empathy. Consider having it done to yourself so you fully understand what your submissive is going through. This way you will appreciate even more what you loved one is doing for you. Always have a safe word that both mistress and submissive agree on at the start of the relationship so you are both aware when the situation needs to be stopped immediately.'  
 
'Negotiate and agree before the session what you will be doing, sexual behavior, and type of bondage, safe sex precautions, physical and emotional limits that will NOT be crossed. There is always next time and it is always good to leave your partner wanting more.'  
 
'Check with each other after the session, perhaps later in the day or the following day to ensure that both found it stimulating or discuss what if anything you liked or disliked.  
 
'During the role play itself, the dominant should always check in with the submissive to ensure that they are comfortable and happy to continue. The role of submissive can often leave them not wanting to use the safe word you had previously agreed on for fear of upsetting their master/mistress. A good practice would be to firmly squeeze your slaves hand twice and wait for two firm squeezes back as confirmation that all is ok.  
 
'Always start session lightly and build slowly. Build slowly towards peeking and you will avoid future emotional problems.  
 
'The slave can use the 'one to ten' technique to indicate they are ready for whipping or the intensity of stroke. Remember: strokes from whips, paddles and the intensity. 'One' light as a feather to 'ten' pull strength stroke. Strokes should be delivered ONLY to fleshy, muscled body areas. It is very dangerous to strike your partner over their kidneys, liver, spleen or base of spine.  
 
'Use only soft, plain paraffin candles for hot was play, harder candles, such as beeswax candles have a much higher melting point and they WILL cause burning to the individual.  
 
'Never allow someone to use bondage on you without doing at least three or four sessions without blindfolds. You must build trust before trying to move things forward too quickly. If you get it right it will be wonderful but if you get it wrong it could be a disaster. So always ensure you know and trust your partner.  
 
'When you do get to the bondage stage it is imperative to remember, there is no reason to tie the bondage so tight the area goes to sleep. If this happens loosen the bondage. General rule is ensuring that the bondage is not too tight and it is possible to undo the bondage with sixty seconds. The bondage is to create fun not fear always remember that.  
 
'Finally, Be prepared for emergencies - first aid kits, fire extinguishers (for those who play with fire), flashlights, and ensure that you know CPR prior to using any form of 'breath controlling' games.'  
 
Spirituality is thriving just now and with the recession and credit crunch it is not surprising. People are looking more and more to staying home and creating things for them to do so sexual behavior is becoming more and more a form of creative activity at last. Part of that creativity is SDS as some people may call it, tantric sex as others may gravitate towards or a mixture of the two. To be really open with your partner about what you want to happen to you or what you want to do to them is the most erotic or sexual thing you can do for one another.  
 
Enjoy yourself and keep yourself safe whilst ensuring that you are growing through self discovery and understanding.  
 
 
Sexually dominant/submissive relationships or SDS is a collection of behaviors involving domin

5/31/2010 8:08:24 PM
The difference between a submissive and a slave is not always clear cut and is often the subject of controversy within the lifestyle. In general, a submissive maintains a certain distance from her Master and retains some freedoms and a slave gives her all as well as her freedoms to her Master.  
 
This discussion is about what elements make a submissive or a slave. They may not necessarily agree with what a person calls themselves. Often one finds individuals that call themselves a slave, when a submissive would be a better title and sometimes one sees a person described as a submissive that is more akin to a slave. I am not sure that the term Total Power Exchange (TPE) can be applied to a consensual slave. In normal cases, it seems impossible to have a TPE in a real world non forced slavery relationship and it is unusual in forced slavery cases. TPE seems to involve fantasy more than reality. In a true TPE relationship, it would mean that any order a Dominant could think of would have to be obeyed by the slave without question. For example, A Master could say, 'I hate my neighbor, go get a gun and shoot him'.  
 
Like it or not in the real world there are restrictions on TPE. Very often the following restrictions, what some would call ethical boundaries, are a reality of a Master/slave relationship and are often documented in the slave contract.  
 
The slave does not have to obey commands that:  
 
a. conflict with any existing laws and may lead to fines, arrest, or prosecution of the slave  
 
b. may cause extreme damage to slave's life, such as losing her job, causing family stress, etc  
 
c. may cause permanent bodily harm to the slave  
 
d. may cause psychological trauma to the slave, such as a rape scene for a slave that has been raped in the past  
 
In my opinion, these restrictions placed on the authority of a Master do not weaken the Master/slave relationship, but reflect the reality of modern life. This is not a new concept in slave ownership because in the past many societies that endorsed slavery had restrictions on how a slave could be treated by the owner. One can look in the Bible to see examples of these restrictions. In the 1850’s a famous case in Polk County, TN involved the prosecution of a Master that mistreated his slaves. So the concept of TPE is not necessarily realistic in the modern concept of consensual slavery or in forced slavery.  
 
Today, slavery within the lifestyle has NO relationship to the forced slavery of the past. Any slave can, if she chooses, execute her free will and leave the relationship, this is a reality. Yes, the objective is to train the slave to where she emotionally needs her Master and is attached to him and her slavery to a point where leaving her Master is unthinkable, but many Master/slave relationships end. Many end at the slave's request instead of the Master's request. So, any discussion of slave vs. submissive must be within the framework of the above restrictions imposed by modern life.  
 
A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will. A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times.  
 
A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience.  
 
In my opinion, a submissive retains freedom of choice and a slave gives her freedom of choice to her Master. A submissive makes a choice to give her submission in a limited fashion, for a defined period of time and under certain conditions. A submissive can have a long-term relationship with a Master, but still retains certain controls. However, many are satisfied with casual role-play without any long-term goals. Training may or may not be involved between a Dominant and a submissive.  
 
A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship. These conditions, rules and limits usually define time, place and activity. It is not unusual for a submissive to start the relationship with rules and limits and release some or all of them as trust, respect and love for her Master grows. In fact, it’s a good practice when starting any new relationship. One should enter the relationship by giving only the amount of power that she feels safe in giving. The decision to become a slave should be postponed until both the Dominant and submissive know each other and trust each other.  
 
A submissive can and often does role-play during an agreed to period of time with a Master. During this period the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive. The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission.  
 
One definition of a slave vs. a submissive is based upon the focus of the submissive. If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, then you are a slave. I am not sure that this is a complete definition for each one, however it is one dividing line between the two.  
 
 
 
Being a submissive does not always involve:  
 
1) A long-term commitment  
 
2) Devotion to a Master  
 
3) Obedience  
 
4) Focus on the needs and desires of a Master  
 
Again, there is no need to rush into slavery. One should start out as a submissive and get to know and trust her Master first. slavery is not for all submissives. If a submissive is unable or unwilling to accept slavery, for what ever reason, that is no great crime. Each person has to determine their needs and focus within the lifestyle.  
 
slavery calls for a higher level of commitment and of serving, obeying and pleasing than submission. slavery is the complete commitment of a slave’s body, mind, soul, and spirit. She submits to the will of her Master. His choices become her choices. Obedience is a major focus in her life.  
 
A slave has made a 'choice decision.' The 'choice decision' she makes is to give her choices to her Master. Consent and obedience are always assumed to be part of slavery. Communication, mutual understanding and trust grow to the point to where it is no longer play but part of her life. A slave is owned all the time by her Master regardless of time, place or activity. She is owned by her Master when she is out of his presence. Trust in her Master and surrender to him is the starting point to slavery.  
 
slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will. This is slavery by choice, not forced slavery. She decides to give her freedoms to her Master. She becomes a slave because she needs, desires and wants to serve, obey and please her Master at all times and in all ways, not because she is forced into slavery. Of course, there will be times when a slave will be forced to do some things, but it will not be something that goes against who she is as a person. Master’s often push limits and expand obedience in order to help a slave grow and increase her service to him. slaves become accustom to obedience and find joy and peace in it. A successful Master/slave relationship always involves happiness.  
 
Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him. A slave is re-socialized and re-educated by her Master to serve, obey and please him. Her attention is on his happiness.  
 
A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave. She gives him authority over her needs and happiness. However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings. The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave. This does not happen overnight, it is a process of growing into slavery.  
 
A slave does NOT give up thinking and reasoning and become mindless. This is the biggest misconception of slavery. It is a false charge that has been leveled at slaves mostly by cyber-subs and part time players as self-justification for their lack of total commitment. If a cyber-sub can make a slave look mindless then she can justify why she is better than a totally committed slave and supplies a reason why she calls herself a submissive. She reasons that 'Naturally a good Master would not want a mindless slave, they surely would want a thinking cyber-sub instead.' It’s a late addition to lifestyle thinking and only stated by some submissives. Generally, well informed submissives that feel secure in the lifestyle don’t try to blast slaves. It’s usually 'wannabes.'  
 
One never hears a knowledgeable Master refer to a slave as mindless, because he knows better. He also knows that she is more straightforward and much more useful than any cyber-sub.  
 
Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities. A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her.  
 
Most slaves use their skills and talents within the Master/slave relationship to advance it and the wellbeing of their lifestyle. Most Master’s encourage this. Often Masters feel more at ease in using a slave to manage a project than they would a submissive. Throughout history slaves have been given responsibilities that require thought, planning and decision making, there is no reason to discontinue this practice in modern times where there is consensual slavery instead of forced slavery. Consensual slavery involves devotion, caring and obedience, why not take advantage of these traits in a slave as well as her knowledge and skills.  
 
As stated above, the word 'doormat' is often used by wannabes and cyber-subs to describe slaves. My definition of 'doormat' would be that of a person that is used by another person for their own benefit without regard for that persons feelings, growth, or well being. A Master assumes responsibility for his slave’s body and well-being and is always concerned about the development and mental well being of his slave. She is his property and he has no reason to destroy his property. In fact, he has a great interest in her development. Percentage wise, who is more likely to be used as a 'doormat', a slave or a submissive that has a casual meeting with a Dominant?  
 
One often hears 'A slave has NO voice in the relationship.' This is another misconception of slavery. Often, a Master with common sense will seek the opinion of a slave before making a decision in many areas. It’s impossible to find a slave that does not have more knowledge in some areas than does her Master. In areas where she has experience, knowledge and training, it would be foolish for him not to seek her advice before reaching a decision. In addition, it’s often better to bounce your ideas off someone else before reaching a final decision. A good slave will welcome the chance to aid her Master by offering an intelligent opinion. A slave has input into many of the decision making processes that are required in life, but the Master makes the final decision.  
 
slavery is NOT an escape from life. Past, present and future problems don’t magically disappear into the night never to be seen again. For example, past credit card debts don’t disappear, but a Master may plan repayment and place his slave on a budget. slavery is a completion of a slave’s natural feelings and needs, not an escape.  
 
A slave enjoys submission and, over time, that submission becomes deep enough to elicit feelings of being owned or fully controlled by her Master. Not all submissives become slaves, but all slaves are submissive.  
 
slavery always requires a long-term commitment by the slave to her Master and she is owned at all times. slavery always requires obedience. A friend in response to reading a draft of this article stated in an email to me that she didn't know how many people start out as slaves, but in her opinion it is a process of 'becoming a slave.' One starts as a submissive and over time grows into slavery. I fully agree with this statement.  
 
There appears to be no right or wrong way, one can be a slave or submissive. It depends on the needs and desires of the individuals involved. Some Masters don't want a slave and some don't want a submissive. In addition, depending on the personality of the person, some submissives will never be a slave and some slaves would never be happy as a submissive. It is a choice that one must make in their life.The difference between a submissive and a slave is not always clear cut and is often the subje

5/31/2010 8:06:43 PM
ou've read this many times in the context of BDSM, COMMUNICATION is one of the most important aspects of a BDSM relationship. It's true. Without good communication your relationship is doomed to fail. Let's face it, we indulge in activities that are pushing the edge of safety, both emotionally and physically, every day in this lifestyle. Clear communication is one of the primary tools we have to keeps us physically and emotionally safe.  
 
Talking face to face is the best choice for communication. Free flow conversation between the dominant and submissive is really our ultimate goal. But it is not always possible for that to happen. Shyness, embarrassment, emotion and distance are only a few of the hurdles that make the spoken word difficult at times. A communication aide that has become extremely popular over the last few years is blogging. Also known as keeping a journal or a diary, this activity has been a staple in many people's lives for generations, and with the invention of the Internet more and more people are turning to this form of record keeping as a communication tool.  
 
Keeping a diary, journaling or blogging has become all the rage in the last few years, many people, submissive or not, are now keeping them and many more are reading them. Why? It's a great form of communication, a place where the author can write freely about what they are thinking about the world around them. Thoughts run free, emotional issues get presented logically, fantasies can be revealed. The uses are endless  
 
When you're beginning a new relationship or if your submissive is relatively new to the lifestyle, you might consider getting them to start a journal. There is a wealth of information to be gleamed from a submissive's journal and it could end up being one of your most valuable resources.  
 
In asking your submissive to begin a journal you will be opening a window to both their brain and their heart. You can give them direction as to what you want to see there. Fantasies they'd like to live out (or ones they like to think about but don't particularly want to live through), thoughts about the scene you had with them last weekend, or about what they feel is working well for the two or you, or what needs some attention. It can be their place where they may just let their own thoughts and wishes be explored. There are all kinds of uses for a journal.  
 
For those in a long distance relationship journaling can help keep you in touch with the day-to-day happenings of your submissive's life. Their life, in a general sense, the part you don't really get to participate in. You can discover how they handle certain situations or get a better understanding of who their friends are and how they spend their time when they are not with you.  
 
Even for people who live together, journaling can be a great tool. I know many submissives who feel very comfortable writing in their journal. It's their free space to discuss things they might be afraid to bring up face to face with their dominant. Though we are usually told we are supposed to tell our dominants everything, sometimes it is easier to write it down than to speak it. Writing can be especially helpful if the topic might be to ask for something or to be critical of something that either the dominant or submissive have strong feelings about. It forces us into putting things down in a logical order when we're highly emotional or very nervous.  
 
Not only are journals beneficial for the dominant, they are immensely beneficial for the submissive. On a personal level they have a record of their progress in life. Reading back there are concrete references to various high and low points in their lives. They can see their growth and their weakness. Patterns form in our lives, journaling shows these patterns, the owner can learn from them. It's a positive and life affirming exercise.  
 
Journals can also be used as a form of punishment. Insist on daily entries or perhaps have your submissive write about her punishment and the reason she's being punished. Perhaps you could have her write a secret fantasy that anybody who reads her journal will see.  
 
It can be used for humiliation purposes also. You can have them write in detail a scene they were part of. Or send them off on an assignment and then have them write every last detail into the journal. The topics for journaling, or blogging, are endless.  
ou've read this many times in the context of BDSM, COMMUNICATION is one of the most important

5/31/2010 8:04:19 PM
Transgression  
 
As the chill starts to bite at my skin  
my spirit starting to fail  
i move within my restraints  
The sound of the chain  
Brings your attention  
Your eyes meet mine  
And i lower mine in respect  
'Done enough thinking my little one'  
Your words not unkind  
For contemplating my actions  
Is the punishment you serve  
Naked but for heavy leather cuffs  
Holding me with chains  
Time given for me to think  
Of what i have done  
Masters hand strokes my skin  
A rough blanket put around my shoulders  
'your punishment is not to be cold  
Have you anything yet to say'  
My eyes look up in defiance  
Then lowered in respect  
Not a word do i speak  
The time is not right  
i am not ready to accept  
Not ready to discuss it  
Ashamed of what i have done  
But not wanting to be reminded  
Punishment of a cane  
Would hurt me less than this one  
Contemplation of ones actions  
The searching of your conscience  
Justifying your thoughts  
When all you want is for it to be forgotten  
i feel tears sting my eyes  
But i will not cry  
i move position  
How long have i been  
Chained at Masters feet  
Your hand reaches down and strokes my hair  
You do not look  
You do not speak  
But the simple act  
The brief touch of you hand  
A tear escapes my downcast eyes  
My head is bowed  
You cannot see  
So how do you know?  
That i am now ready  
Ready to talk  
Ready to accept  
To face what i have done  
Before i realise you have moved  
i feel your strong arms around me  
You kiss my hair  
And tell me you love me  
Tears fall freely  
As i lay in your arms  
Rocking me gently  
You free me from my restraints  
And move me to your bed  
Loving me gently  
My transgression forgot  
But the lesson still learntTransgression As the chill starts to bite at my skin my spirit starting to fail i move wi

5/29/2010 10:48:56 AM
WHAT A WONDERFULL THING TO HAVE A MASTER WHO MAKES ME COMPLETE. I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING A VERY LONG TIME AND WE STARTED OFF A JUST BEST FRIENDS. WE TALKED ON THE PHONE, MET FOR LUNDH. PLAYED AND TOOK TRIPS TOGETHER. ONE HORRIBLE  DAY HE TOLD ME HIS JOB WAS TAKING HIM OUT OF STATE. I WAS CRUSHED, WE TALKED ON THE PHONE AND SAW EACH OTHER A FEW TIMES. IT WAS HORRIBLE HEARING HIS VOICE AND NEEDING HIM SO MUCH. WELL NOW HE IS BACK FOR GOOD AND I AM SOHAPPY TO HAVE HIM TO PLEASE. JUST THE THOUGHT OF SEEING HIM MAKES ME JUMP FOR JOY. I AM TRYLEY LUCKY THINGS WORKED OUT FOR US. I CAN STILL FEEL THE STING OF HIS WHIP. I CAN STILL STAND BELOW HIM AND LOOK INTO HIS WONDEERFUL EYES.I QUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS NEVER GIVE UP IF YOU YOUR DREAMES KATEWHAT A WONDERFULL THING TO HAVE A MASTER WHO MAKES ME COMPLETE. I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING A VERY L

5/26/2010 4:30:13 PM
The responsibilities of a submissive  
Spend adequate time exploring yourself, your needs and desires.  
Educate yourself - make the most of the resources that are available, but don't believe everything you hear or read. Trust reputable sources, but make your own mind up about what is the truth.  
Learn what your needs, desires and goal are; define them adequately.  Make a list.  
Learn the difference between what you need and what you desire.  Sometimes you cannot have both.  
Learn and understand your limitations, in depth.  
Learn the safety issues of all areas of your interest.  Protect yourself adequately.  
Remember you have the right to 'ask'.  
Remember common sense, and use it.  
Remember the choice to submit is not a sign of weakness it is an adult choice.  
Be aware of the difference between safe, sane and consensual BDSM and abuse.  Do not suffer abuse from anyone.  If it is not consensual on behalf of both parties part it is abuse.  
Learn how to negotiate.  Don't be afraid to ask, question and communicate.  
Understand and incorporate the full meaning of safe, sane and consensual.  
Continue to learn and grow.  
Seek advice or assistance when you need it.  
Own your feelings.  
Be honest with yourself.  
Respect yourself and be respectful of others who deserve of it.  
Recognize that your submission is given freely and that it is not something to be taken by force.  Choose wisely to whom you give.  
Be patient.  Growth takes time.  
Accept responsibility for your own happiness and welfare.  
Allow yourself adequate time for healing when you have been hurt.  
Balance your submission with the other areas of your life.  
Remember that you have the right to say 'No'.  
Never let anyone take your self-dignity away.  
Like yourself, love yourself, be your own best friend.  
Remember others also have agendas and they may not be the same as yours.  
Don't allow yourself to be used, unless of course, that is part of your kink.  
Be careful what you wish for...you may just get it.  
Communicate your needs to your partner, ask for what you desire (do not demand or expect).  
Because you choose to submit to a partner does not mean you are submissive to anyone else.  
Communicate your limits to your partner.  Expect them to be respected.  
Refuse to participate in any activity outside of your limits or that you are not ready for.  
Negotiate with complete honesty and embracing the concepts of safe, sane and consensual.  
Accept your partner’s limits.  (Yes, Dominants have limits too.)  They also have the right to say 'No'.  
Communicate your feelings without blame or guilt.  
Be as interested in what your partner feels and says as you are in yourself.  
Remember that you and your partner are human and entitled to understanding, compassion and support.  
Refuse to allow yourself to be abused, be it emotionally, physically, or psychologically.  
Forgive yourself and your partner for mistakes.  
Ask your partner for help when you need it.  
Expect respect from your partner.  
Respect your partner.  
Be appreciative of the gift of Domination that your partner gives to you.  
Take pride and strive for excellence in your submission as you do in everyday life.  
Continue to grow and learn.  
Take pride in your appearance.  
It is your responsibility to be of good health and to advise your partner of any change in that regard.  
Listen to your partner and His/Her needs and desires.  
Be willing to consider, with an open mind, what your partner suggests or requests.  
Understand that it takes two to make a partnership work.  Be willing to accept your share of the blame when things go wrong.  
Remember that before D/s, basic humanness comes first.  Know when it is time to set aside D/s and be a helper, friend, lover, husband, mother, wife or whatever.  
Have realistic expectations of your partner and yourself.  
Be patient.The responsibilities of a submissive Spend adequate time exploring yourself, your needs and

5/26/2010 4:25:11 PM
 
 
 
 
 
 
A submissives journey  
 
 
   
   
Chapter 1  
 
 
   
The submissive 's Creed  
   
 I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits,   
and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my   
Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also   
lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my   
Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, I know that submissive does not equal doormat.  
   
I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissive s, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.  
   
I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.  
   
I will never think myself a submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not   
intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.  
   
Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never   
cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or   
sub~human.  I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.  
   
   
   
   
   
 
 
 
  A submissives journey     Chapter 1   The submissive

5/26/2010 4:19:31 PM
Finding your Dominant  
So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or   
 submissive, or at least that you are interested enough in either of these that you  
 want to explore the possibilities they offer further.  The question is, how do you  
 find someone with whom to explore them, without jeopardizing your safety or  
 discretion?   
   
In this wired world, many people get their first introduction into BDSM online.  
While chat rooms are a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle,  
only rarely do such online connections lead to successful, long lasting real  
 relationships.  In fact, when it comes to finding a real life partner online   
relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help.  Why? Because once you are  
 involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather  
 than on finding a real life partner.  Time and time again I have people tell me  
 about this wonderful long distance relationship they have, and time and time  
 again those relationships fall apart.  Relationships need contact, they need smiles  and hugs and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things they are almost bound to fail.   
   
In this submissive’s  opinion, people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they   
can  convert  their  online  relationship  into  real  life  without  considering  the   
practicalities of a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be   
with a partner they hardly know and b) making the relationship work once they   
get  there.   I  know  some  people  do  manage  it,  but  the  fact  is  chat  room   
relationships rarely turn into successful real life ones.  If you're serious about   
finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex.  I   
personally know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationship and   
when she and her prospective Master finally met, they lasted less than a week. A   
year is an awful amount of time to waste.  
   
A better way to find that perfect Dom or sub, is to hook into the local 'scene'   
(there's  bound  to  be  one) and  to  attend  various  club events,  play  parties,   
munches and so forth. However, before you dash off to look up BDSM Clubs in   
the yellow pages, be aware  that many  of  the  folk  who attend such events are   
pretty  much 'out  there' as  far  as  their  sexual  proclivities are concerned, and   
consequently their sense of discretion may not be what you would hope it to be.    
If you're not reasonably comfortable with being asked 'who were those leather   
clad  weirdo's  I  saw  you with Saturday?' you're better off giving  them a wide   
berth.  
   
To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise on   
line.  Effective that is, if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution, and just   
a little common sense. On line services like these are discrete and reliable, allow   
you to be very specific about what you want and are cost effective, but (there's   
always a but right?) to make the most of them you do have to use them   
properly.    
   
Step 1 - Prepare  
   
You need to determine for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you   
are looking for in a partner.  I know this can be difficult if you're totally new to   
the lifestyle, but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a   
one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you   
really looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination   
and put yourself into  a 'virtual'  D/s  relationship.  What is  the  relationship like?   
 How  does  your  partner treat you?  What are the relationships governing rules?   
What happens when  the  rules  are  broken?   Spend  some  time thinking about   
these questions and build a picture in your mind of the relationship that you want.   
When the picture is reasonably clear, write it down.  
   
Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for,   
you can start  to  prepare  yourself  for  it.   You  may  want  to read some of the   
articles  on  this and other  sites  and  look  at  some of  the books in the relevant   
section of Real-Ds.com  (You might want to start with Different Loving by Gloria   
Brame).  
   
As a  rule  of  thumb  Dominants  can best prepare by understanding as best they can what makes a sub  tick  and  submissives  can  best  prepare  by learning the attitude and some of the skills a typical Master may demand of them.  
   
By the way - you may feel  that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and   
takes some  of the romance  out of it,  but I  beg  to  differ.   Our upbringing and   
day-to-day  vanilla experiences  go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla   
relationship - so why should D/s one be any different?  
   
Step 2 - Advertise  
   
Take care in creating your advertisement (also known as a profile) - it's worth   
spending a bit of time  on  it and  getting right, and a well crafted ad that's free of   
spelling mistakes and  grammatical  errors  is much  more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest.  Don't make the mistake of overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.  
   
You want to reach as  wide and audience  as  possible, so join and create a free   
profile on at least two specifically kink related personal ad sites   
(adultfriendfinder.com and alt.com are probably amongst the best known) and CollarMe.com  
one  vanilla site (try friendfinder.com -  if you  word  your  ad properly  you'll  be  
 surprised at how effective  a  vanilla  site can be).  Once you have completed  
 your profile,  browse  through some  of the other advertisements specific to   
your area to  get  a  feel for who's out there and what they are looking for.  Free   
membership to most of these site limits the number of ads you can look   
at and / or respond to in  a  given  period  so  it's  certainly  worth thinking about   
paying for membership to  at  least  one  of  them.   In  most  cases a three month membership (which  should  be  plenty) costs less  than $30 - pretty cheap when you consider the impact it might have on the rest of your life.  
   
Step 3 - Taking it further  
   
Okay, so your profile is complete and you just have to sit back and wait for the   
replies to roll in right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's ads -   
submissives in particular seem to feel that they ought not 'make the first move',   
but if the Doms didn't want replies they wouldn't have placed the ad in the first   
place.  Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to ads as well as   
waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with   
the right person.  
   
(A  note  for subs  -  it's  not  uncommon  for personals sites to allow free female   
members to  reply to ads but  not to allow free male advertisers to do so - all the   
more reason  for  you  to  reply  to  ads,  and  all the  more reason for the men to   
stump up with the cash to become a paid up member.)  
   
A few Do's and don'ts:  
   
DO:  
 
Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself  
Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like  
Be polite and avoid crudity  
Take your time to get the reply right  
Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on hotmail.com specifically for the purpose)  
DON'T  
 
Include your phone number or anything that might identify you  
Be tempted to respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time  
Be impolite   
Overstate your interests or experience  
Reply to ads that clearly don't fit your requirements, or where you don't fit theirs  
Reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.  
   
Once you start getting replies, it's important that you reply to every single one of   
them, even if it's just to say thanks but no thanks.  Remember, by placing an   
advertisement you're asking people to respond.  Not bothering to reply to them   
when they have taken the trouble to do as you've asked is downright rude.  
   
Step 4 - Meeting  
   
So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to you ad, responded   
to one or two and you think you've found 'the one'. What next? Well that's really   
up to you, but I suggest a number of emails back and forth about what each of   
you are  looking for,  followed  by  some  very  long 'getting to know you' phone   
calls.  Don't be  in too  much  of a  hurry - if they really are 'the one', they'll wait.    
Just before I go though, a few points about  first time meeting safety - particularly   
for the ladies:  
 
Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.  
Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.  
Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.  
Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know them well.  
Take a cell phone with you.  
Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out.  
   
Finally good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner and it all works out well   
for you.  
   
(Finding your Dominant So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Domina

5/26/2010 3:58:43 PM
What is a Dominant?  
   
   
   
   
Like the same question, what is a submissive, this is probably one of the biggest questions that is argued about in BDSM and D/s. Each person who has an interest in the lifestyle will undoubtedly have their own ideas about what makes a person dominant, but there will always be some common threads running through everyone's definitions. It is also worth noting that a Dominant may not necessarily be seen as a good Dominant, although this too is open to interpretation by each person’s own ideas of what a Dominant should, or should not be.  
   
   
   
There are probably too many individual characteristics to list, because every person will react differently to every situation but, if you were able to observe a number of people, you might say 'Yes that one is Dom', or 'No, that one is not', based upon their actions and reactions. So, is it a futile exercise to try and define what makes a Dominant? Possibly, but still we can recognize certain familiar and fundamental characteristics that make up the profile of one who is likely to be dominant in their nature.  
   
This discussion is confined to what makes a Dominant personality within the BDSM or D/s lifestyle; for there is no doubt that many dominant personalities exist outside D/s. That said, many dominant people would never be capable of being seen as a Dominant within the D/s lifestyle as it takes a special mix of certain key characteristics.  
   
   
   
Much of what is written about D/s is centered around control, and controlling. For me the most important aspect of a Dominant is self control. Ask the question: how can you possibly control another if you cannot control yourself? Self control does not mean being totally without emotion: far from it in fact. What it means is to be able to allow those emotions and feelings to come to the fore when needed, and to direct them in the right way. So, we have self control.  
   
   
   
Being in control of oneself leads to other similar traits. Knowing what you want, and being single-minded about it. Not being egotistical or self centered, but being able to hear what others need, and want, from you, and using the power, knowledge, and experience that you have to fulfil those needs. Self control also stems from the ability to analyze, and understand yourself, and others. Never be afraid to question, or discuss differences of opinion. Most 'good' or 'respected' Dominants will likely already have very defined views on certain subjects, such as discipline and punishment. These views may be based upon knowledge and experience, or both. It's worth considering where knowledge and experience comes from. Knowledge can be gained from books, reading, other people, but is not necessarily gained from actually doing something. Experience on the other hand is achieved through participation in an activity itself. So, a 'novice' Dominant may well have lots of knowledge, but little experience. That does not make them a bad Dom, just one who has more to learn. An 'experienced' Dom on the other hand can have much practical experience, although ideally, a good mix of both is important. However simply being 'experienced' in itself is not the only means to being viewed as a 'good' Dominant either.  
   
   
   
Thinking about what one is doing, and understanding why, and for what reason is important within D/s. We hear many people 'preaching' about how to do this, and that, how not to, and what you should and should not do. Very often this is a recycling of what they have heard others say. A good Dom will be prepared to listen, question, and make his own choice. If they are the right type of person then it is likely that the conclusions they reach by their own processes will be the right ones anyway.  
   
   
   
These basic characteristics: Self control, knowledge, and a questioning mind, along with the ability to listen, understand, and question, are the foundations on which a Dominant personality should be built. Next is the ability to accept responsibility. A Dominant should understand that in a D/s relationship, the submissive is going to place their faith in the Dom in many ways. It is inherent in D/s that the submissive needs to give up some level of control and responsibility to the Dominant. Acceptance of that control must sit comfortably with the Dominant. To have another hand over control of their life, (or at least parts of it) to you is an awesome feeling. It must be borne with great care, and never abused. So, a Dominant does not abuse the power they are given. They never take that power, they are given it out of love, trust, and respect, and the feeling that they can improve the quality of another's life.  
   
   
   
Hand in hand with responsibility, as the Dominant is charged with guiding and helping the submissive in their growth, comes patience. Patience in a Dominant is a requisite too, because there may be many times when a submissive may not reach expectations. This may not be due to any failing on the submissive's part, and so the Dominant must show patience, and a calming influence: an ability to help the sub, to achieve what they both want, in a structured and sensible way, and never to criticize when things don't go well.  
   
Being single-minded in what they want is another Dominant trait (although not exclusively, I know many subs too, who are very single-minded.). The ability to have a vision, and through whatever gets in the way, to be able to preserve that in their mind, and make progress towards that goal, irrespective of what it might be, is likely to be another characteristic seen in most Dominants. Through all these there also remains the fact, that someone who is able to accept the responsibility for another, make informed decisions about life altering (for some at least) processes, of having an ability to manage, and accept change, and alter the plan to suit prevailing circumstances. One's care for another must by definition take their hopes, fears, needs, and desires into account; these needs will change over time, and so, as they do, the original vision that one may have had for a relationship may well have to change. The inability to see that is not conducive to Dominance.  
   
What is the common factor here? In broad terms it's about management: managing the needs of both ourselves and others, and having regard for changes that occur along the way. A good manager has a vision, and a goal, and should achieve that in the end by good decisions in the best interests of whatever he is managing. A good Dominant could be looked at in the same light: managing their sub but always with the best interests of the sub uppermost in their mind. Of course nothing is that simple, and there will always be exceptions and unforeseen problems along the way, but a Dominant with the right personality will demonstrate all those traits we have talked about, and bring the sub through whatever the problem might be in the best way he can.  
   
 What is a Dominant?         Like the same question, what is a submiss

5/26/2010 3:29:03 PM
Once back in 1980’s a friend gave the Anne Rice’s series about Sleeping Beauty Series for some reason she thought I would like to read them. Let me preface this with that I had no sex drive, I was and still am married to a wonderful man who needed more then I could offer him. I read the series and wanted to be Beauty. I was transformed into a world which I never knew existed. That was the world of Dominance and submission. I wanted to be taken. Taught and mentored and put through tests for my Master.  
I then discovered The Story of O. I wanted to be O. my sex life with my husband was wonderful for a while what I did not know then that there was a real world of Dominance and submission. At that time in thought all that meant was that I released control in bed to my husband.  
Soon all became the same old thing. Sex was boring and dull. I could not wait for him to cumm.  
One day I read about the world of Dominance and submission on the internet. I read and read. I discussed this with my husband.  He was interested also. For three months I was his slave. I dressed as he told me. I became the perfect slave. This went on for three months when suddenly it became old.  
We then decided to enter the real world of Dominance and submission. I found an on line mentor who literally took me by the hand and mentored me. I never even met him. he taught me things like safe, sane and consensual. We chatted daily on messenger. After a time he encouraged my husband and I to join a local club. We did. I met some wonderful people. I was I must admit like a deer with a light in his eyes. It was really real. Subs sitting at their master’s feet. . I remember the first scene I witnessed. A sub was canned so hard I wanted to run for dear life. I say things I never knew existed. Most importantly I met genuine people who explained things to us.  
We soaked it all up. my husband thought he was a Dom but secretly longed to be a sub. He wanted to get what he so freely gave to me. I wrote a profile for Mistress and three days later he met his mistress.  
I was all alone. He had her and I felt as if I had lost him. I then wrote my own profile and met my first master who was wonderful. Unfortunately after a while I found him to be a bully. Nothing I did was good enough. I then met my second master who was married. I grew tired of being last on his list of things to do.  
I never gave up. It  was living hell to see my husband so happy when I was flying solo for the first time in years. I decided that there was someone for me.  
Fast forward 8 years. I have a master who would move heaven and earth for me. My husband still has his mistress. He loves her as I love my master. We are still happily married but we keep our D/s lives separate.  
If you are new keep searching. Never settle. Feel free to ask me anything you wish. So many have helped me all I want to do is return the favor  
kateOnce back in 1980’s a friend gave the Anne Rice’s series about Sleeping Beauty Ser

5/26/2010 1:54:53 PM
Hello,  
My name is kate and I have travelled a long and hard road. I read about D/s on the internet 8 years ago. I knew right there and then that this was a path I had to travel. I was smart though. I found an on line. Mentor He was a mentor who introduced me to the basics of bdsm. i never met him but did speak on the phone with him from time to time. He literally took my hand and guided me through the complex maze a new submissive encounters.  
I fell in love with a man over 1,000 miles away. We gradually parted ways but I will never forget what a genuine interest he had in helping me. It is for this same reason I love to help new subs or slaves to find answers to what they seek and feel.  
I have served two wonderful masters. I now serve the master I have needed for so long. If you have any questions please ask  
kateHello, My name is kate and I have travelled a long and hard road. I read about D/s on the int

5/26/2010 4:52:26 AM
Transgression  
As the chill starts to bite at my skinmy spirit starting to faili move within my restraintsThe sound of the chainBrings your attentionYour eyes meet mineAnd i lower mine in respect'Done enough thinking my little one'Your words not unkindFor contemplating my actionsIs the punishment you serveNaked but for heavy leather cuffsHolding me with chainsTime given for me to thinkOf what i have doneMasters hand strokes my skinA rough blanket put around my shoulders'your punishment is not to be coldHave you anything yet to say'My eyes look up in defianceThen lowered in respectNot a word do i speakThe time is not righti am not ready to acceptNot ready to discuss itAshamed of what i have doneBut not wanting to be remindedPunishment of a caneWould hurt me less than this oneContemplation of ones actionsThe searching of your conscienceJustifying your thoughtsWhen all you want is for it to be forgotteni feel tears sting my eyesBut i will not cryi move positionHow long have i beenChained at Masters feetYour hand reaches down and strokes my hairYou do not lookYou do not speakBut the simple actThe brief touch of you handA tear escapes my downcast eyesMy head is bowedYou cannot seeSo how do you know?That i am now readyReady to talkReady to acceptTo face what i have doneBefore i realise you have movedi feel your strong arms around meYou kiss my hairAnd tell me you love meTears fall freelyAs i lay in your armsRocking me gentlyYou free me from my restraintsAnd move me to your bedLoving me gentlyMy transgression forgotBut the lesson still learnt  
Transgression As the chill starts to bite at my skinmy spirit starting to faili move within m

5/26/2010 4:00:55 AM
The Knife  
'The coolness of the blade as You lay it upon my bare shoulder, sends a shiver through me...' It has never occurred to me to be disobedient to you. The foundation of trust that we both build, maintain and nurture seems almost alive within each of us -- strong and mature. Time you have given to teaching me this precious trust and obedience has been so important and I have never taken it for granted. Perhaps its significance can best be understood by an event, if you will, that you created so that I might glimpse the depths of trust between us. Holding my face in your hands and looking deeply into my eyes you said, 'Stand perfectly still. Do you understand me?' I tell you that I understand and that I will, but you continue to hold my face...searching my eyes for something. Again you speak to me. 'I trust that you will obey me and that you will stand still. This is very important. Do you understand?' Once again I reply that I understand and I will obey you. You find the trust in my eyes...slowly releasing my face. Turning your back to me and moving to a small table by the wall you open a drawer and withdraw something...I do not move, but wonder what you are holding. I hear a click and a slow, soft, raspy sound of metal upon leather...as you turn and I see the knife in Your hand. I look from the cold gleam of the knife to your eyes...heart fluttering nervously, my knees weak. I do not move. You walk slowly toward me, knife in hand, turning it slowly, the light dancing on the blade, staring at me over the knife....and I am trying so hard not to tremble. Reaching....straining... I find the foundation of trust as I see that you are trusting me as much as I am trusting you... You commanded me to stand still and You are trusting that I will. I am neither bound nor blindfolded as you move behind me and lean close to my ear. I can feel the warmth of Your body you are so near me. Feeling the warmth of Your breath as you speak to me...low, calm and confident....two words.... 'Stand still.' The coolness of the blade as you lay it upon my bare shoulder, cutting edge to the front, sends a shiver through me. Slowly, I feel you drawing the blade down, over my shoulder blade....the top edge leading. Involuntarily I quiver as you draw it down my back... over the swell of my cheek.....down....under....down the back of my thigh slowly, across the back of my knee, down my calf to my heel. A soft moan escapes my throat as you pull the blade away from me and I relax a bit....until... You lay the blade upon my other shoulder. Leaning close to my ear, you again tell me, 'Stand still.' Taking a slow deep breath, I feel the blade moving down the same path on the opposite side of my back......again I shudder ever so slightly.... concentrate...concentrate.... still...stand still... and then You reach my heel....and pull the blade away from me. My knees are weak...breathing shallow.... but I have remained still. Stepping around to face me, you find me with lowered eyes and raise my face with your fingertips beneath my chin. Looking up I see you holding the knife before me....between us....but not between our eyes.. I begin to shake slighly as you place the knife against the side of my face and draw it downward, and then down the side of my neck. I feel my head tilting as I lean in to the caress of the blade. You bring your mouth toward mine for what seems like a kiss...and breathe one word onto my lips....'Watch.' Turning the knife 90 degrees you place it upon my collarbone. I watch as You begin the slow descent of the blade....watching as it sinks slighly into my soft breast. I see it, a glint of the candlelight...hypnotic, as you draw it closer to my hard nipple, with the leading edge of the blade catching on my nipple and pulling slighly.....another soft moan escapes me and I shudder again. You put a finger to my lips to quiet me and continue downward with the blade..pressing into the soft underside of my breast and then across my ribs and belly to my hip.....down. Ever so slowly, the front of my thigh...over my knee and shin to my ankle and across the top of my foot.... I am trembling to the point of shaking when You pull the knife away from me. 'Stand still kate you tell me quietly again...and place the blade on my other collarbone. I take a deep breathe as the knife begins its slow dance down my body, once again following the path down my breast..pressing in....teasing my nipple and then moving in excruciating slowness to the top of my foot. You place the knife under my chin and press upward...raising my face to bring my eyes up to meet yours. 'Watch the blade,' You say again. 'Spread your thighs so I won't cut you,' you tell me...and I do. Taking the knife, you press it against my shaven pussy...bare lips on bare metal....and you press a little more. And although I can feel the extreme wetness of my arousal, as you move the blade up and down slighly I can feel the pull of it on my bare flesh. My body is visibly shaking now as I fight to maintain concentration, control.....still....stand still..... don't move.... be still.... Your voice is calm, reassuring and confident as you simply say 'Cum for me now.' My body convulses slightly as I feel the release of control......yet staying ....standing...... still. I do not recall becoming unstable but I must have, for you moved the knife away to keep from cutting me and near collapse, you lowered me gently to the floor and sat there holding me for a bit....your fingers in my hair, calling me slowly back to You in a quiet, steady voice . The Knife 'The coolness of the blade as You lay it upon my bare shoulder, sends a shiver thr

5/26/2010 3:48:03 AM
i went to the club with my Master. he is the most wonderful Master/person i have ever known. i look at the marks he left and savor them because thet came to me from him. i went to the club with my Master. he is the most wonderful Master/person i have ever known. i

5/26/2010 3:45:11 AM
Who's in Charge?  
'The submissive gives up control to the Dominantuntil such a time they feel it necessary to take that control back' Believe it or not this is one of the hardest topics to get a universal answer from and it goes beyond the obvious, “the Dom is in charge” or “the submissive has absolute control”. This article is my attempt to delve into this topic and help make some sense of it. The short version of all this is: “The submissive gives up control to the Dominant until such a time they feel it necessary to take that control back”. This means that it is the submissive who is ultimately in control and the Dom who is in charge, until such a time as he loses that power from the submissive. Sounds simple doesn’t it? I would even bet that most of you would agree in theory that this is how the exchange of power rests. We would all be right and we would all also barely scratch the surface. The D/s relationship is also known as a power exchange. In the purest form this power exchange is known as TPE, or Total Power Exchange, a true Master/slave relationship where the submissive partner has no say beyond choosing to wear or remove the collar (please read my article on TPE for more information and context). Even with this extreme of a D/s relationship there are stages which we progress through. Some of us make it through all the stages, some of us don’t. I would suggest that as participants in our chosen lifestyle these progressive steps are as outlined below, including where the power exchange exists (some will apply and some may not):  
 
Before commitment: The control lies with the submissive.  
At commitment: control is passed to the Dominant with limitations – i.e. “limits”.  
Learning: as the Dominant breaks down limits, more control is given by the submissive.  
At maturity (maturity of the relationship or TPE): total control is given to the Dominant.  
At decline: submissive gradually takes back control.  
At end of commitment: submissive has total control.Notice how the power exchange ebbed and flowed in these stages? At only one point in this is the Dominant truly and completely in control of the relationship. Please note that this one point can start immediately after commitment or later in the relationship and can last for years, it all depends on the partners involved. The submissive may be without control during parts of their relationship, but the power to take back that control is always there. So as we can see, it is the Dom in charge, it is the submissive who holds ultimate control.Does this mean that a submissive should gloat and hold that over a Dominant's head at all times? Nope. Matter of fact we have the saying “topping from below”. In my opinion it is one of the worst habits and signs of disrespect that a submissive can show a Dominant. You either trust someone to be in charge over you, or you don’t. If you don’t then don’t go bottoming under them, because the instant you try topping from below is the instant that you show you do not trust them. Does this mean there is never room for topping from below? I would suggest there is two acceptable times:  
 
When casually playing with someone who is not your Dominant and is new to you and even then, respectfully.  
When getting to know someone you are in a scene with to allow them better familiarity with what pleases you and what doesn’t.The idea behind giving control over to a Dominant is trust and respect. You trust that the Dominant will not harm or take advantage of you, and will take care of you. Respect for the Dominant that you are willing to serve their will, rather than yours. Remember, most submissives are not giving up total control, that’s why they have “limits”. Please don’t be mistaken, limits serve a very important purpose. Everyone, including Dominants has limits. (Read Understanding Limits and Pushing Limits for more information.) Remember also, whatever control a submissive does give a Dominant, is given with trust. Trust that they won’t abuse it. It is only after constantly proving that they won’t abuse the submission, can a Dominant even begin to push a limit and gain more control. So the end, it is the submissive who is in ultimate control, but that control is held by the Dominant in trust and respect. While they have that control it is theirs to do with as they wish. Dominants, be worthy of that control. Submissives, remember control is given not taken, and if you trust a Dominant with control, then give it to them, do not bait them with it. Who's in Charge? 'The submissive gives up control to the Dominantuntil such a time they feel

5/25/2010 3:53:53 PM
my Masater and i are off to the club to9night. it has been so long since we played there. We/we packed the toybag and let me tell you i can feel the endorphins flying already. i am the luckiest submissive in the worldkateit shows that age does not matter it is how you feel emmotionally@!katemy Masater and i are off to the club to9night. it has been so long since we played there. We/w

5/24/2010 7:23:20 PM
 have the courage to...Embrace my strength ~ Get exited about life ~Enjoy giving and receiving love ~ Face and transform my fears ~Ask for help and support when I need it ~Spring free of superwoman trap ~ Trust myself ~ Make my own decisions and choices-Befriend myself ~ Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants~Realize that I have emotional and practical rights~Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal~Honor my own needs ~ Complete unfinished business~Give myself credit for my accomplishments~ Love the little girl within me ~ Overcome my addiction to approval~ Grant myself permission to play ~ Quit being a responsibility sponge~ Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately~Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to~ Choose what is right for me ~ Insist on being paid fairly for what I do~ Set limits and boundaries and stick by them ~Say 'yes' only when I really mean it ~ Have realistic expectations- Take risks and accept change ~ Grow through challenges- Be totally honest with myself ~ Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions ~Respect my vulnerabilities ~ Heal old and current wounds ~ Savor the mystery of Spirit ~ Wave good-bye to guilt ~Plant 'flower,' not 'weed' thoughts in my mind ~Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same ~Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the over flow ~ Own my own excellence ~ Plan for the future but in the present ~Value my intuition and wisdom ~ Know that I am lovable ~Celebrate the differences between men and women ~Develop healthy, supportive relationships ~Make forgiveness a priority ~ Accept myself as I am now ~ Exerpted from 'The Courage To Be Yourself' have the courage to...Embrace my strength ~ Get exited about life ~Enjoy giving and rece

5/24/2010 6:55:14 PM
Characteristics of a Slave  
~Strength ~Respect ~Loyalty ~Openness ~Honesty ~Spirit ~Wit ~Intelligence ~ A slave is strong, not strong like a man, but strong inside. Her character is that of wanting to please. She serves because it is pleasure to her. She has the inner strength to go places inside herself that her Master guides her. She cannot be weak emotionally, or these places could push her over the edge.A slave is respectful. The first portion of respect is SELF-respect. If a slave does not respect herself, then no one else will either. Self-respect most probably includes self-esteem, taking care of herself mentally emotionally as well as physically. Self-respect could include such things as getting enough sleep, eating right, etc. A slave shows respect to her Master by carrying out His orders as he wishes. She shows respect to her Master and others by being polite, mannerly, and pleasant.A slave is loyal to her Master's wishes. She is also loyal to herself. A slave should never do anything that is against her own moral standings. She also will never allow another to touch her in ways that would be displeasing to her Master. She knows who owns her and thrives in his ownership.A slave is open and honest. She holds nothing back, revealing all that she is to her Master. Openness and honesty lead to better communication, allowing her Master to do the job he should, and to know what responsibilities he takes on. Her openness allows Him also to be more open, thus building trust between them and a deeper submission of the slave.Spirit is difficult to describe. A slave must have spirit. I don't speak of spiritedness, as that is different. Spiritedness is feisty and bratty. Spirit refers more to a brightness emanating from within. It is a light in her eyes, visible to a few...those who understand her slaveheart.A slave needs to be intelligent. Serving includes the mind as well as the body. She needs to be able to challenge her Master mentally. To please Him and with her thoughts, ideas, and input on things he wishes. She needs to be able to understand His instructions and to carry on a conversation on a multitude of topics, as they cannotalways be 'in scene'Being a slave is not always easy. Keeping a sense of humorwhen things seem insurmountable is paramount to focusing onher submission. It also helps to balance the darkness of her desiresat times.A slave finds peace and contentment in serving her Master. She is a reflection of Him. She is his property, his possession, his responsibility. A slave shows focus, always keeping her Master in the forefront of her mind. As she goes about her day, she uses her own intelligence and strength to do things in ways that are pleasing to her Master. I am a slave because it is in my soul to be. I find pleasure in the pleasing of another. I thrive on another's direction, control, and presence in my life, and soul. Being a slave is not something I choose to be, it is simply who and what I am. It is my desire to serve a Master, to find the strength, courage, openness, honesty, etc that it takes to be a good slave.Lately, I have slipped. I have gone against who and what I am....out of an aching emptiness, a lonely pain. In my vanilla life, I am happy. Things could be better, but they are not bad. I am finding some peace and contentment in my vanilla life. But the ache of a slave to be used hard...is very painful for me. I have lost focus, and control of my desires to the point where it interferes with my dealings with others. I am struggling to regain focus and balance. I will find it. I know it is there.Characteristics of a Slave ~Strength ~Respect ~Loyalty ~Openness ~Honesty ~Spirit ~Wit ~Inte

5/24/2010 6:50:06 PM
It is not what he has, or even what he does which expresses the worth of a man, but what he is.'Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.It is because we are different that each of us is specialDo not set your goals by what other people deem important.Only you know what is best for you.Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them,life is meaningless.Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.Do not give up when you still have something to give.Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.Do not be afraid to encounter risks.It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.The quickest way to receive love is to give love;The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.Do not dismiss your dreams.To be without dreams is to be without hope;To be without hope is to be without purpose.Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way  
© ~AnonIt is not what he has, or even what he does which expresses the worth of a man, but what he is

5/24/2010 6:47:26 PM
Who's in Charge?  
'The submissive gives up control to the Dominantuntil such a time they feel it necessary to take that control back' Believe it or not this is one of the hardest topics to get a universal answer from and it goes beyond the obvious, “the Dom is in charge” or “the submissive has absolute control”. This article is my attempt to delve into this topic and help make some sense of it. The short version of all this is: “The submissive gives up control to the Dominant until such a time they feel it necessary to take that control back”. This means that it is the submissive who is ultimately in control and the Dom who is in charge, until such a time as he loses that power from the submissive. Sounds simple doesn’t it? I would even bet that most of you would agree in theory that this is how the exchange of power rests. We would all be right and we would all also barely scratch the surface. The D/s relationship is also known as a power exchange. In the purest form this power exchange is known as TPE, or Total Power Exchange, a true Master/slave relationship where the submissive partner has no say beyond choosing to wear or remove the collar (please read my article on TPE for more information and context). Even with this extreme of a D/s relationship there are stages which we progress through. Some of us make it through all the stages, some of us don’t. I would suggest that as participants in our chosen lifestyle these progressive steps are as outlined below, including where the power exchange exists (some will apply and some may not):  
 
Before commitment: The control lies with the submissive.  
At commitment: control is passed to the Dominant with limitations – i.e. “limits”.  
Learning: as the Dominant breaks down limits, more control is given by the submissive.  
At maturity (maturity of the relationship or TPE): total control is given to the Dominant.  
At decline: submissive gradually takes back control.  
At end of commitment: submissive has total control.Notice how the power exchange ebbed and flowed in these stages? At only one point in this is the Dominant truly and completely in control of the relationship. Please note that this one point can start immediately after commitment or later in the relationship and can last for years, it all depends on the partners involved. The submissive may be without control during parts of their relationship, but the power to take back that control is always there. So as we can see, it is the Dom in charge, it is the submissive who holds ultimate control.Does this mean that a submissive should gloat and hold that over a Dominant's head at all times? Nope. Matter of fact we have the saying “topping from below”. In my opinion it is one of the worst habits and signs of disrespect that a submissive can show a Dominant. You either trust someone to be in charge over you, or you don’t. If you don’t then don’t go bottoming under them, because the instant you try topping from below is the instant that you show you do not trust them. Does this mean there is never room for topping from below? I would suggest there is two acceptable times:  
 
When casually playing with someone who is not your Dominant and is new to you and even then, respectfully.  
When getting to know someone you are in a scene with to allow them better familiarity with what pleases you and what doesn’t.The idea behind giving control over to a Dominant is trust and respect. You trust that the Dominant will not harm or take advantage of you, and will take care of you. Respect for the Dominant that you are willing to serve their will, rather than yours. Remember, most submissives are not giving up total control, that’s why they have “limits”. Please don’t be mistaken, limits serve a very important purpose. Everyone, including Dominants has limits. (Read Understanding Limits and Pushing Limits for more information.) Remember also, whatever control a submissive does give a Dominant, is given with trust. Trust that they won’t abuse it. It is only after constantly proving that they won’t abuse the submission, can a Dominant even begin to push a limit and gain more control. So the end, it is the submissive who is in ultimate control, but that control is held by the Dominant in trust and respect. While they have that control it is theirs to do with as they wish. Dominants, be worthy of that control. Submissives, remember control is given not taken, and if you trust a Dominant with control, then give it to them, do not bait them with it. Who's in Charge? 'The submissive gives up control to the Dominantuntil such a time they feel

5/24/2010 6:45:33 PM
Patience  
'Seconds seem minutes...Minutes seem hours...'  
She kneels silent and still her soul and body exposed to Him. Seconds seem minutes, Minutes seem hours...FootstepsWarmthher body tremblesher heart poundsdeep sighstiny shuddersshe listensno sound'Master?''Patience, My pet'she kneelssilent and stillPatiencePatience 'Seconds seem minutes...Minutes seem hours...' She kneels silent and still her so

5/24/2010 7:31:28 AM
Into the world of D/s  
Into your life He came, changing all you know.Turning your thoughts around, giving you hope.Leading you along a path, that takes you to a place so new.The world that was beyond you, a world you longed to know.He holds you and He guides you, along the way.Things that were a dream to you, you now experience.your life is now flowing, full of hope and joy.so much feelings for your Master, showing you the D/s way.Into the world of D/s Into your life He came, changing all you know.Turning your thoughts aro

5/24/2010 5:56:23 AM
What is a Master?  
'A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to let go....' A Master is confidentA Master is self assuredA Master knows the soul of a sub/slaveA Master knows what he wants and does not divert from his goal.A Master is content in himself.A Master has strong character.A Master understands...'A slave should always be measured from the inside, for it is her soul that is enslaved, her body simply follows'A Master seeks the mind before the body, any 'body' can be aroused, but few minds can be ownedA Master has control of his life, rather than letting his life control him.A Master is gentle in his strength and strong in his gentleness. A Master does not need to seek acceptance from others, for he has acceptance of self.A Master does not need to announce his mastery, it is shown in all that he does.A Master can control with a simple look across the room.A Master is not afraid of punishment, for he knows it ishis responsibility.A Master accepts his slave/sub for who she is, building on her weaknesses, building her self esteem, making her whole.A Master is human, first and foremost. He is not perfect, yet he strives for perfection.A Master is not afraid to admit his mistakes, he does not judge them, he learns from them.A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to let go.... What is a Master? 'A Master knows when to use the control he has been granted, and when to l

5/24/2010 5:52:36 AM
 
 
 
 
 
SUBMISSIVE vs SLAVE  
This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized by a great number of the people that I converse with. First I would like to make a point. Language at it's best shifts from area to area. Within this one continent we have many variations or dialects of usage. This can be seen in terms like sweeper meaning vacuum cleaner etc. So, many words used within a community can mean different things to different people based on the 'age' of the person, their background and the common usage of the area they live in.  
The submissive is a volunteer.  
The slave is not a volunteer.  
This is the core and substantial difference between the two terms. Within the BDSM community this can be interpreted in this way. The submissive individual may be lightly, moderately or heavily submissive. The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena's. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship. Other submissives will have a more moderate (this is the largest group) approach, a stronger desire to submit for longer periods of time with fewer restrictions, limitations and requirements. A small percentage of submissives will be heavily submissive. They desire and look for a full time partner to live with on a full time basis. Their nature is to seek to express their submission as often as possible with the fewest restrictions upon their chosen Dominant as possible. Generally their list of limitations, rules and requirements may be verbal, short and flexible.  
Additionally there is the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts. This person is willing to submit only so far as to address their personal needs. Their orientation toward 'serving' the other person is almost nonexistent. They will have a list of personal needs and requirements and in large part do not care who fills them. These persons tend to be called the 'DO ME' subs. In my opinion they are not submissives at all, not having the basic criteria of a 'desire to serve for the pleasure of another' that is the fundamental trait I identify as submissive and Dominant. For me personally, the 'do me sub' in my eyes is a vanilla person with a kink fetish desire.  
There is one other category that needs to be mentioned here. This is the terminology of bottom and masochist. In general terms a bottom is not necessarily submissive but a person who enjoys scening from the bottom position. This bottom may or may not consider themselves to be a submissive, many consider themselves to be neither submissive nor Dominant but more accurately a switch. You will note that I do not consider a bottom to be a 'do me sub', their attitude, orientation and motivation are distinctly different. In my opinion they are usually very open and honest about the submissive aspect and by virtue of that fall into their own category. I have scened with many bottoms and found them to be excellent for demo's, workshops and to help out or assist where multiple persons are useful for the fulfillment of a scene. The masochist also plays in here, a masochist is a person that enjoys pain being inflicted upon them. They do not need to be submissive at all, (similar to a bottom). However, many submissives are strongly masochistic. The masochist also is sometimes called a 'pain slut', they generally are most similar to a bottom in clarifying their distinctions from the label or identification of submissive. This form of honesty is what in my opinion makes both of these choices valid.  
   
The SLAVE ~  
The slave is beyond the last level of the submissive. The slave vacates limits. To be a slave is to offer of self fully and without reservation. From my perspective very few individuals fall into this category. Those that do, that I know personally are generally with their Dominant for a very long period of time. Trust has been long ago established, limits and range discovered and a relationship of personal strength has emerged which allows the submissive to transcend to this level. This is a level without safewords, without limits. The slave lives with their Dominant on a full time basis and may or may not have a life external of serving their mate. The slave generally selects a Dominant with parallel limits. By this I mean that the final action of trust is the vacating of set limits. In order to do this the individual must fundamentally know that their partner shares the same 'natural' or 'inviolate' limits as they do. A Dominant has limits just like a submissive. That which falls within their natural range and desire is their arena.  
Many people use the term 'slave' interchangeably with submissive. I myself enjoy calling my sub's 'slaves' because it thrills them. However, I know in truth that they are not slaves, they fall within the field of the submissive. A submissive without choice (limit's - safewords) becomes a slave. They have passed that final threshold of personal trust.  
One final thing to really confuse things. I have a category which I call the 'Authentic Submissive', I also call these persons 'full out or true Submissives'. This is the submissive who is auto responsive. When in top space they can and may appear to be at any level of the submissive listed above. Upon entering sub-space they lose the ability to do anything but obey. This is an automatic response. They are unable to control the response. It has been my lifelong opinion that these submissives are the 'natural slaves', they have a capacity and range far exceeding the non-auto-responsive submissive. By the way, when I find one of these quite rare authentic submissives, I am instinctively very protective of them. They are the most vulnerable members of this community.  
Ok, to address a few more misconceptions. There is sometimes rampant discussion on the who is real question. Any person who states that they are submissive, switch or Dominant should be taken at their word until through action, word or deed they demonstrate otherwise. Respect is not given by virtue of having any aspect but is earned or inspired by consistent action, word or deed. The amount, number, placement, design of brandings, piercings, tattoo's etc. can but do not necessarily identify any individual by virtue of in community status. These ornamentation's are used across the entirety of the community and can be seen upon any individual regardless of Dominant or submissive status.  
The easiest way to discover a person's placement within the community, be it through gender, sexual orientation, top, bottom, sideways etc... is to politely ask them. You can simply say, 'What way would you prefer to be addressed?' This offers the individual the choice to tell you what they prefer so that you will not appear discourteous. By the way...courtesy is the key. You are not required to respect any unknown person. You are required to use common courtesy. Additionally, there is no right or wrong to being or believing you to be anything. It is not better to be one thing or the other and people should not be discriminated against for those choices they make. I offer common respect to all persons until and unless they take an action that I find disrespectful. At that point I generally elect to have no further converse with them.  
One final note. There is what is loosely called a 'submissive network'. This network is a system which has existed probably since the origination of the SSC credo (safe, sane and consensual), wherein submissives within a community share information. This becomes important if you are a new person. A Dominant is only as good as the reputation they maintain within their local community. There are persons within this community who use the label Dominant, Top and even Sadist to cover their activities of non-consensual abuse. If you encounter someone who is abusive or breaks the SSC credo. Identify them in their local community. This is in real life. If you are a Dominant and you encounter a submissive who is unbalanced (mentally), by this I mean erratic, violent, abusive...share this information as neutrally as possible with the other Dominant's in your locale who may encounter this submissive. There are some persons who call themselves submissive who will turn after a scene and accuse the Dominant of abuse. Generally they have not dealt with prior, long term or lifelong experiences with abuse. You are not required to medically diagnose, just be open and honest. Submissives also live by their local reputation. When encountering or beginning a new relationship be honest about any occurrences which may reflect poorly on your reputation. Establishment of trust requires this. A Dominant may be accused of abuse and a submissive accused of being cracked or insane without substantiation. Impute the information and take the time to get to know the individual before making a judgment!  
   
  SUBMISSIVE vs SLAVE This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized

5/24/2010 5:46:31 AM
The Courage to be Myself  
'It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.' --e.e.cummings I have the courage to...Embrace my strength ~ Get exited about life ~Enjoy giving and receiving love ~ Face and transform my fears ~Ask for help and support when I need it ~Spring free of superwoman trap ~ Trust myself ~ Make my own decisions and choices-Befriend myself ~ Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants~Realize that I have emotional and practical rights~Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal~Honor my own needs ~ Complete unfinished business~Give myself credit for my accomplishments~ Love the little girl within me ~ Overcome my addiction to approval~ Grant myself permission to play ~ Quit being a responsibility sponge~ Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately~Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to~ Choose what is right for me ~ Insist on being paid fairly for what I do~ Set limits and boundaries and stick by them ~Say 'yes' only when I really mean it ~ Have realistic expectations- Take risks and accept change ~ Grow through challenges- Be totally honest with myself ~ Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions ~Respect my vulnerabilities ~ Heal old and current wounds ~ Savor the mystery of Spirit ~ Wave good-bye to guilt ~Plant 'flower,' not 'weed' thoughts in my mind ~Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same ~Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the over flow ~ Own my own excellence ~ Plan for the future but in the present ~Value my intuition and wisdom ~ Know that I am lovable ~Celebrate the differences between men and women ~Develop healthy, supportive relationships ~Make forgiveness a priority ~ Accept myself as I am now ~ '  
© SuePatton The Courage to be Myself 'It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.

5/24/2010 5:42:54 AM
 
Submissive Traits  
'Awareness - of who she is and what it will meanto enter into a d/s relationship...' Many times I've seen discussions on the theme of what makes an ideal submissive. I'm not sure I'd generalize as to what's attractive for all doms as this is highly individualized to personal taste, but for myself this is what I look for:Attitude - as in how she approaches life. Is she confrontational, argumentative, or does she try to see other points of view? I live a quiet life so harmony is important to me. The world is full of wronged people and injustice. Rather than constantly complain about it I prefer someone who would look for the path to what could be, not suffer in martyrdom at what is.Obedience - hey, I'm a control freak, what can I say? It is essential to me to know, without any doubt, that when it's important there will be no argument or defiance when I say it has to be done a certain way. There doesn't have to be agreement, but when talk is finished action follows my dictates. I will listen to objections and concerns, more often than not modify my decision based on her feedback, but final word is always mine, be it right or wrong.Warmth - I'm not the emotional extrovert but that doesn't mean I want someone just like me. Instead I look for someone who has that special something that can make a man feel like he is the most important person in the world...at least to her. Warm, affectionate, understanding, sensitive, someone able to openly and outwardly express her own emotions but in such a way that it blends in with my own mood.Trustworthy - I may take control of her life, but she gains access to my innermost thoughts and emotions, to where she can virtually read my mind. I have to know she will not turn that knowledge against me, no matter what may happen. It is arguable who becomes more vulnerable in an m-s relationship, but it certainly isn't one-sided.Dependence - prevalent attitude says this is a 'bad thing' as it leads to the dreaded co-dependence and abusive relationships. I'm sure it does happen, but the worst case is not every case. I expect and encourage her to depend on me. It is important for my own self-esteem that she look to me for her needs, and that I fulfill them. I realize this places a disproportionate burden of responsibility on my shoulders but I have learned from experience that I can handle the stress. It is part of what I give to her in return, a safe space free from worry, and a place where she can pass on her problems for someone else to solve.Understanding - that I am not perfect, nor do I always make the right choice. I have my bad moods and off days. I try to find the best course of action based on available knowledge, but I make mistakes. I look for someone who appreciates my feet of clay and understands that when things go wrong I suffer far more than she does, even if it isn't obvious. I don't forget what I've done wrong, nor do I want to hear it repeated back to me again and again.Awareness - of who she is and what it will mean to enter into a d/s relationship. My own ethics demand that I make sure she fully understands my intentions and expectations. I have to be convinced it is what she wants, for herself and not just to please me.Adaptability - dominants by definition want it done their way. There can be no clash of immovable object and irresistible force, someone has to change. A submissive needs to be able to adapt to a new home and community, to recognize there will be changes.Commitment - a willingness to do everything possible to make it work. Relationships are always difficult to sustain. Throw in a mix of D/s and it only gets more complicated. After that first rush of newfound romance wears off the work begins to ensure it endures the hardships and stresses that build up. I make the commitment to do whatever it takes, I expect the same.Selfishness - this may not be obvious, but it's a necessity. She has an obligation to her master to make sure her own needs are being met. Submissives are highly sensitive to the emotions of everyone around them, to such an extent they take it for granted everyone else sees what is so obvious to them. Sadly it doesn't always work that way. There are times she has to make it known she wants attention; she can't always depend on her master to figure it out by himself. Submissive Traits 'Awareness - of who she is and what it will meanto enter into a d/s rela

5/24/2010 5:26:03 AM
The difference between a submissive and a slave is not always clear cut and is often the subject of controversy within the lifestyle.  In general, a submissive maintains a certain distance from her Master and retains some freedoms and a slave gives her all as well as her freedoms to her Master.  
This discussion is about what elements make a submissive or a slave.  They may not necessarily agree with what a person calls themselves.  Often one finds individuals that call themselves a slave, when a submissive would be a better title and sometimes one sees a person described as a submissive that is more akin to a slave.   I am not sure that the term Total Power Exchange (TPE) can be applied to a consensual slave.  In normal cases, it seems impossible to have a TPE in a real world non forced slavery relationship and it is unusual in forced slavery cases.  TPE seems to involve fantasy more than reality.  In a true TPE relationship, it would mean that any order a Dominant could think of would have to be obeyed by the slave without question.   For example, A Master could say, 'I hate my neighbor, go get a gun and shoot him'.  
Like it or not in the real world there are restrictions on TPE.  Very often the following restrictions, what some would call ethical boundaries,  are a reality of a Master/slave relationship and are often documented in the slave contract.  
The slave does not have to obey commands that:  
a. conflict with any existing laws and may lead to fines, arrest, or prosecution of the slave  
b. may cause extreme damage to slave's life, such as losing her job, causing family stress, etc  
c. may cause permanent bodily harm to the slave  
d. may cause psychological trauma to the slave, such as a rape scene for a slave that has been raped in the past  
In my opinion, these restrictions placed on the authority of a Master do not weaken the Master/slave relationship, but reflect the reality of modern life.  This is not a new concept in slave ownership because in the past many societies that endorsed slavery had restrictions on how a slave could be treated by the owner.  One can look in the Bible to see examples of these restrictions.  In the 1850’s a famous case in Polk County, TN involved the prosecution of a Master that mistreated his slaves. So the concept of TPE is not necessarily realistic in the modern concept of consensual slavery or in forced slavery.  
Today, slavery within the lifestyle has NO relationship to the forced slavery of the past.  Any slave can, if she chooses, execute her free will and leave the relationship, this is a reality.  Yes, the objective is to train the slave to where she emotionally needs her Master and is attached to him and her slavery to a point where leaving her Master is unthinkable, but many Master/slave relationships end.  Many end at the slave's request instead of the Master's request.   So, any discussion of slave vs. submissive must be within the framework of the above restrictions imposed by modern life.  
A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will.  A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times.  
A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience.  
In my opinion, a submissive retains freedom of choice and a slave gives her freedom of choice to her Master.  A submissive makes a choice to give her submission in a limited fashion, for a defined period of time and under certain conditions.  A submissive can have a long-term relationship with a Master, but still retains certain controls.  However, many are satisfied with casual role-play without any long-term goals.  Training may or may not be involved between a Dominant and a submissive.  
A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship.  These conditions, rules and limits usually define time, place and activity.  It is not unusual for a submissive to start the relationship with rules and limits and release some or all of them as trust, respect and love for her Master grows.   In fact, it’s a good practice when starting any new relationship. One should enter the relationship by giving only the amount of power that she feels safe in giving. The decision to become a slave should be postponed until both the Dominant and submissive know each other and trust each other.  
A submissive can and often does role-play during an agreed to period of time with a Master. During this period the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive.  The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission.  
One definition of a slave vs. a submissive is based upon the focus of the submissive.  If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, then you are a slave.   I am not sure that this is a complete definition for each one, however it is one dividing line between the two.  
   
Being a submissive does not always involve:  
1) A long-term commitment  
2) Devotion to a Master  
3) Obedience  
4) Focus on the needs and desires of a Master  
Again, there is no need to rush into slavery.  One should start out as a submissive and get to know and trust her Master first.   slavery is not for all submissives.   If a submissive is unable or unwilling to accept slavery, for what ever reason, that is no great crime.   Each person has to determine their needs and focus within the lifestyle.  
slavery calls for a higher level of commitment and of serving, obeying and pleasing than submission.   slavery is the complete commitment of a slave’s body, mind, soul, and spirit.   She submits to the will of her Master.   His choices become her choices.   Obedience is a major focus in her life.  
A slave has made a '.'  The 'choice decision' she makes is to give her choices to her Master.   Consent and obedience are always assumed to be part of slavery.  Communication, mutual understanding and trust grow to the point to where it is no longer play but part of her life.  A slave is owned all the time by her Master regardless of time, place or activity.  She is owned by her Master when she is out of his presence.  Trust in her Master and surrender to him is the starting point to slavery.  
slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will.  This is slavery by choice, not forced slavery.  She decides to give her freedoms to her Master.  She becomes a slave because she needs, desires and wants to serve, obey and please her Master at all times and in all ways, not because she is forced into slavery.  Of course, there will be times when a slave will be forced to do some things, but it will not be something that goes against who she is as a person.   Master’s often push limits and expand obedience in order to help a slave grow and increase her service to him.  slaves become accustom to obedience and find joy and peace in it.  A successful Master/slave relationship always involves happiness.  
Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him.  A slave is re-socialized and re-educated by her Master to serve, obey and please him. Her attention is on his happiness.  
A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave.  She gives him authority over her needs and happiness.  However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings.  The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave.  This does not happen overnight, it is a process of growing into slavery.  
A slave does NOT give up thinking and reasoning and become mindless.  This is the biggest misconception of slavery.  It is a false charge that has been leveled at slaves mostly by cyber-subs and part time players as self-justification for their lack of total commitment.   If a cyber-sub can make a slave look mindless then she can justify why she is better than a totally committed slave and supplies a reason why she calls herself a submissive.  She reasons that 'Naturally a good Master would not want a mindless slave, they surely would want a thinking cyber-sub instead.'  It’s a late addition to lifestyle thinking and only stated by some submissives.  Generally, well informed submissives that feel secure in the lifestyle don’t try to blast slaves.  It’s usually 'wannabes.'  
One never hears a knowledgeable Master refer to a slave as mindless, because he knows better.  He also knows that she is more straightforward and much more useful than any cyber-sub.  
Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities.  A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her.  
Most slaves use their skills and talents within the Master/slave relationship to advance it and the wellbeing of their lifestyle.   Most Master’s encourage this.  Often Masters feel more at ease in using a slave to manage a project than they  would a submissive. Throughout history slaves have been given responsibilities that require thought, planning and decision making, there is no reason to discontinue this practice in modern times where there is consensual slavery instead of forced slavery. Consensual slavery involves devotion, caring and obedience, why not take advantage of these traits in a slave as well as her knowledge and skills.  
As stated above, the word 'doormat' is often used by wannabes and cyber-subs to describe slaves.   My definition of 'doormat' would be that of  a person that is used by another person for their own benefit without regard for that persons feelings, growth, or well being.  A Master assumes responsibility for his slave’s body and well-being and is always concerned about the development and mental well being of his slave.  She is his property and he has no reason to destroy his property.   In fact,  he has a great interest in her development.  Percentage wise, who is more likely to be used as a 'doormat', a slave or a submissive that has a casual meeting with a Dominant?  
One often hears 'A slave has NO voice in the relationship.'   This is another misconception of slavery.  Often, a Master with common sense will seek the opinion of a slave before making a decision in many areas.  It’s impossible to find a slave that does not have more knowledge in some areas than does her Master.  In areas where she has experience, knowledge and training, it would be foolish for him not to seek her advice before reaching a decision.  In addition, it’s often better to bounce your ideas off someone else before reaching a final decision.  A good slave will welcome the chance to aid her Master by offering an intelligent opinion.  A slave has input into many of the decision making processes that are required in life, but the Master makes the final decision.  
Slavery is NOT an escape from life.   Past, present and future problems don’t magically disappear into the night never to be seen again.  For example, past credit card debts don’t disappear, but a Master may plan repayment and place his slave on a budget.  Slavery is a completion of a slave’s natural feelings and needs, not an escape.  
A slave enjoys submission and, over time, that submission becomes deep enough to elicit feelings of being owned or fully controlled by her Master.  Not all submissives become slaves, but all slaves are submissive.  
Slavery always requires a long-term commitment by the slave to her Master and she is owned at all times.  Slavery always requires obedience.   A friend in response to reading a draft of this article stated in an email to me that she didn't know how many people start out as slaves, but in her opinion it is a process of 'becoming a slave.'  One starts as a submissive and over time grows into slavery.  I fully agree with this statement.  
There appears to be no right or wrong way .One can be a slave or submissive.  It depends on the needs and desires of the individuals involved.  Some Masters don't want a slave and some don't want a submissive.  In addition, depending on the personality of the person, some submissives will never be a slave and some slaves would never be happy as a submissive. It is a choice that one must make in their life.  
 The difference between a submissive and a slave is not always clear cut and is often the subje

5/24/2010 5:04:08 AM
Slavitude  
'...there is no beginning and no end. It is a circle that goes unbroken, except by the One who owns me.' A slave is one who gives herself to her Master. She reportedly gives all that she is, though I tend to think this is a 'misnomer'. She can give her heart, her body, and even some of her soul......but she cannot deny her feelings, her needs and her personality. She must be strong in who she is....in order to let go of the walls that keep her bound to herself. In so doing, she can bond to another, a source of strength, trust, and integrity. ServingA slave serves in many ways, depending on the needs, desires and pleasures of her Master. She may serve by licking the boots that cover His feet, or by kneeling with her head in His lap. It is possible that she could serve by giving Him advice, if He seeks it, or by offering Him a drink to quench His thirst. Serving can be sexual, such as, offering her ass for His pleasure.....Serving can be non-sexual, as in, offering her body for His footstool.Serving can be physical, her body used as a canvas, for His whips, His tongue, His hands....Serving can be mental....her mind opening to Him with things he does not know....advising Him about children, about women, about money, about anything He desires.Serving can be emotional.....her heart bound to Him, for so long as it pleases Him.Her calmness a beacon, to His confusion...Serving can be spiritual as well.....as she kneels at His feet, peering into His eyes, her own open, allowing their spirits to unite.My SlavitudeMy slavitude includes all of this and more. It is a never ending process of growth, learning, pleasure, pain, joy and sorrow. It is a journey with no destination, only rest areas, to see how far I have come, and to explore the beauty of myself, my Master and the bonds between us. It is struggling to do what pleases Him, setting aside my wants, and focusing on His pleasure, knowing that in turn, He will nurture, protect, guide, teach and care for me. There cannot be a giving, without a taking. I give, He takes. And in return, he gives back. Two people, the same and yet different. Apples and oranges....both fruit, and yet not the same.Physically and sexually, there are a few ways in which I would never serve. They are based upon my life, my morals and my values. The reasons for these choices are my own and are personal to me. If asked, I will speak of them.Non-sexually, I am limited only by my flexibility, and my Master's creativity.Emotionally, my servitude is endless. Mentally, there are few boundaries, except those of brainwashing, etc, which should never be a part of BDSM anyway.Spiritually, there is no beginning and no end. It is a circle that goes unbroken, except by the One who owns me.Slavitude '...there is no beginning and no end. It is a circle that goes unbroken, except by

5/23/2010 7:29:18 AM
Believe it or not this is one of the hardest topics to get a universal answer from and it goes beyond the obvious, “the Dom is in charge” or “the submissive has absolute control”. This article is my attempt to delve into this topic and help make some sense of it. The short version of all this is: “The submissive gives up control to the Dominant until such a time they feel it necessary to take that control back”. This means that it is the submissive who is ultimately in control and the Dom who is in charge, until such a time as he loses that power from the submissive. Sounds simple doesn’t it? I would even bet that most of you would agree in theory that this is how the exchange of power rests. We would all be right and we would all also barely scratch the surface. The D/s relationship is also known as a power exchange. In the purest form this power exchange is known as TPE, or Total Power Exchange, a true Master/slave relationship where the submissive partner has no say beyond choosing to wear or remove the collar (please read my article on TPE for more information and context). Even with this extreme of a D/s relationship there are stages which we progress through. Some of us make it through all the stages, some of us don’t. I would suggest that as participants in our chosen lifestyle these progressive steps are as outlined below, including where the power exchange exists (some will apply and some may not):  
 
Before commitment: The control lies with the submissive.  
At commitment: control is passed to the Dominant with limitations – i.e. “limits”.  
Learning: as the Dominant breaks down limits, more control is given by the submissive.  
At maturity (maturity of the relationship or TPE): total control is given to the Dominant.  
At decline: submissive gradually takes back control.  
At end of commitment: submissive has total control.  
Notice how the power exchange ebbed and flowed in these stages? At only one point in this is the Dominant truly and completely in control of the relationship. Please note that this one point can start immediately after commitment or later in the relationship and can last for years, it all depends on the partners involved. The submissive may be without control during parts of their relationship, but the power to take back that control is always there. So as we can see, it is the Dom in charge, it is the submissive who holds ultimate control.Does this mean that a submissive should gloat and hold that over a Dominant's head at all times? Nope. Matter of fact we have the saying “topping from below”. In my opinion it is one of the worst habits and signs of disrespect that a submissive can show a Dominant. You either trust someone to be in charge over you, or you don’t. If you don’t then don’t go bottoming under them, because the instant you try topping from below is the instant that you show you do not trust them. Does this mean there is never room for topping from below? I would suggest there is two acceptable times:  
 
When casually playing with someone who is not your Dominant and is new to you and even then, respectfully.  
When getting to know someone you are in a scene with to allow them better familiarity with what pleases you and what doesn’t.  
The idea behind giving control over to a Dominant is trust and respect. You trust that the Dominant will not harm or take advantage of you, and will take care of you. Respect for the Dominant that you are willing to serve their will, rather than yours. Remember, most submissives are not giving up total control, that’s why they have “limits”. Please don’t be mistaken, limits serve a very important purpose. Everyone, including Dominants has limits. (Read Understanding Limits and Pushing Limits for more information.) Remember also, whatever control a submissive does give a Dominant, is given with trust. Trust that they won’t abuse it. It is only after constantly proving that they won’t abuse the submission, can a Dominant even begin to push a limit and gain more control. So the end, it is the submissive who is in ultimate control, but that control is held by the Dominant in trust and respect. While they have that control it is theirs to do with as they wish. Dominants, be worthy of that control.Believe it or not this is one of the hardest topics to get a universal answer from and it goes

5/23/2010 7:24:50 AM
My  Master and are going  to  spend a nice weekend, we will grill and eat,. we are going to the club where He will have full control of me. Feengs within in me have been rekindled i an so happy to belongto him My  Master and are going  to  spend a nice weekend, we will grill and eat,. we

5/21/2010 1:37:00 PM
This is just how i used to feel. Now it is a poem of the past  
Longing  
Alone in a corner no one to play with meUncollared submissiveLonging to be the one who is ownedBelonging to anotherThere for their pleasure to be played with and lovedLooking around watching othersWho play and perform in the heat of the nightCarefully not wanting other to seeThe longing that is deep inside of meOne day i will find the one who is right for meWho will take their pleasure and give it back to meThen alone in the cornerNo more will i be  
 This is just how i used to feel. Now it is a poem of the past Longing Alone in a corner

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