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Journal Entries for i999shadow: |
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7/12/2008 11:58:00 AM |
i realized i should move this to here from the profile spot...July 16th....i get so tired some days, starting over and over. i feel like i already had some of the best days of a slaves life, and trying to find that again is more painful than anything since i left the cocoon.July 1:Well, we have another update..Yes, i am still searching... it
almost hurts to say that, for over the last 8 weeks i have been in
sincere and growing contact with a wonderul Master from the public
leather community, well respected and kind, who has woven a spell in my
heart after all those months of pain and loss--- i would be willing to
forgo many things for this man- but the distance between us (3,000
miles) is more than we both feel we can successfully navigate, and He
is married-- something that precludes my own place in 'happily ever
after'.He demands i continue the search... i comply, reluctantly.
i realized i should move this to here from the profile spot...July 16th....i get so tired some
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3/22/2008 1:59:08 PM |
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Well, the world is full of journals-- suddenly, everyone wants to have a place to write-- and have everyone READ- all their secret desires.i am not immune to that, but am torn.There are things i don't like sharing with the folks i know socially, but wouldn't mind sharing with total strangers (funny hu?).i write on live journal already, so starting something new here seems redundant... so those who want to read the new stuff can find me there (and you have to have a lj accont- even if you don't use it at all) at sharon_masters there. i had another one--- i999shadow but, i abandoned it last year when the man who Owned me then abandoned me and the scene for other options. It took me almost a YEAR just to break his last order and go see him (no, not drama, just needed to pick something up from his work and he had told me that seeing me would be too traumatic and tempt him... i believed it too long), and so maybe i can pick up that journal later on this year, revamp it, move on (find another man that i WANT to have call me meat?).Maybe not, who knows. i have to take care of me and be the leader and sole holder of this leash for a while longer (thank GOD for such wonderful leather family-- you all know who you are), run the BDSM corporation he left for me to handle with no way to do so, run the cane business (i had to learn how to make them-- he had never even had me help him when he left it all that night).i can be as strong as i need to be, and that is good for my soul- but it makes it harder for the next man... each bad relationship builds up scar tissue and walls that the next poor guy has to tear down, heal up, and climb over.i have a teen that needs me too-- a great guy, creative and funny and amazingly main stream for an Aspergers person (he loves my dark twisted humor, and thinks that Doug Adams was the greatest writer he ever read... i have to almost agree, although if i had my one choice for the book on an island, it woud be 'To Kill a Mockingbird'- Scout's voice in that novel is so clear, so perfectly written-- it was her only novel, and i understand why) and is in a private school after the public system up here damned near put him into an institution. i feel guilty about that. But i feel guilty about damned near everything (martyr!) and need to have that one person that i trust totally and ask little of.It will happen again. i had 4 perfect years, and it's taken me a year to *unlock* from the interdependence of that-- it's such a symbiotic relationship when it works well that neither partner can get by without the other. A man cannot dominate an empty room, nor can he master his neighbors. To have a woman that he knows is *HIS PROPERTY* to her core- that would, should he ask, tear a kidney out with her bare hands and then offer it to him on a whim (but of course, he never would ask that... mutual values, and the need to have the slave live so they can play another day show up there), to have a person that thinks of his needs before her own, who he can use, abuse, enjoy- and love- that's something very hard to find.i think most people that are out looking are looking for someone to save them, or fix them, or heal them. Doesn't work like that.Ya gotta be enough of a whole person to have something more to offer than just a mess (i have never understood men that are attracted to women that are messes.... what is it about?? If you need to take care of someone, do they have to be a drunken drug addicted bi-polar cutter with a tendency for public drama, no money, 3 kids, 2 ex husbands and a dog with diarrhea?)and willing to change the parts of you that you don't like (if you can't see those, maybe you need more time introspection and less on the internet in second life).OK... more later.i want to get out and live again.Well, the world is full of journals-- suddenly, everyone wants to have a place to write-- and
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