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Journal Entries for sammie: |
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3/15/2010 6:30:40 PM |
heading out to sir steffan's saturday afternoon delight party in twelve hours! hope to see a lot of familiar friendly faces there. today was a good day. got a lot accomplished and had a lot of fun. will post more later - i have a ton of things to do in the next twelve hours! including getting some sleeeeeep...my two new logitech pro 9000 webcams arrived today. they are kick ass top of the line and i am so happy with them! am setting up the voyeur cams right now. three out of four of the voyeur cams are carl zeiss optics with autofocus and RightLight technology. i made a little mini-video clip to test out the new cams and that turned out sweet! they were expensive, but tax deductible business expenses - that is how i rationalize it, anyway.i think if i had a lot of money i could easily become a technophile. also am the proud owner of five new floggers, a strop and a new paddle
thanks to john and starla at bdsm-gear.com (shameless plug for dear friends). they are so good to me. lots of new toys to break
in at sir steffan's party tomorrow! very excited :-)some my fellow southern-charms girls buy stuff and only wear it once for photo shoots and then sell it to other charms for really cheap. i have a new leopard/faux leather outfit i am wearing to the party tomorrow - for $5!!!! yeah you read that right!!! LOL! gotta love it!after the party, i am being treated to a quick stop at the todd for a new remote controlled wireless clit/anal/vaginal stimulator (venus penis to be exact) to be worn the rest of the day....yummy! then dinner, a movie and who knows what else.
gawd, i love manic phase.i hated to leave my family over at the space coast last night. i had such a wonderful visit with them. even if i did get sick on the nachos i ate when we were playing billiards. hope everyone has a kick ass weekend.
heading out to sir steffan's saturday afternoon delight party in twelve hours! hope to s
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3/14/2010 7:47:15 AM |
the difference between dominant men and submissive females:females go on and on and on and on and on in their journals - diarrhea of the keyboard.males are more succinct. those of you who know rounderfla, appreciate his wry sense of humor. here is his comment to my last post (Posted with his permission)."I am looking for a slave that can suck start a Harley and swallow a 15 hot dog without choking"
the difference between dominant men and submissive females:females go on and on and on and on
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3/14/2010 7:35:05 AM |
someone today asked me, "what are you looking for in a master?"
i wanted to say, "go read my profile, it's right there!"
then i realized that i erased that part of my loooooooooong profile
several months ago because 99% of people don't time to read the whole
damn thing anyway.
oops.recently i totally redid my profile, thinking i would keep it short and sweet. but i find myself adding and adding and adding to it so that the same questions that get asked over and over again in emails will be answered in my profile, thinking that this would cut down on the same questions being asked. but of course, the longer my profile gets, the less people will read it, so there goes the vicious cycle again.sometimes i wish collarme had a way to make email templates. so i could press "template A" and an email would instantly be created that would say, "i am sorry but you live 1200 miles away and as my profile clearly shows, i cannot handle long distance relationships."or "template B" - "i am sorry but if you want me to show myself on cam for you to masturbate, you can go to www.niteflirt.com/sensualsammie and pay $1.69/minute just like everyone else."or "template C" - "i am sorry but if you want to see naked photos of me so you can get off, you can go to www.southern-charms2.com/sammie and pay the membership fee to see more, just like everyone else."/end shameless self-promoting plugs/resume postbut anyway, in case you are interested, here is what i want in a master.
and as you can see, the standards are high and i am very picky because i have A LOT of experience and i KNOW what i want and i KNOW what works for me, and i am DONE with being partnered with someone i am not compatible with and i am THROUGH with the resultant heartache and damage, and probably a lot of doms think i am FULL OF MYSELF for even THINKING such perfection is even possible, and that is why i am not collared ;-)whatever. like i often say, i would rather be alone and happy than incorrectly partnered and miserable.and without further ado:someone who is self confident (lack of self-confidence is a major turn-off)stable in every facet of his life: financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. (instability is a major turn-off)has no addictions or keeps any addiction under control (lack of self control - big turn-off)completely in control of every part of his own life before he even THINKS about controlling someone else's life (see a pattern here???)secure in himself and thus can give security to someone else (insecurity - major turn-off)happy
being with himself and doesn't need anyone to "complete" him - but he
wants to share his completeness in his life with someone else (needy personalities - definite turn-off, same with whiny, clingy, codependent personalities)who would be embraced by the BDSM community as an admirable dominant (not only do i want to respect you, i want the bdsm community to respect you too)lives by a credo of 100% honesty (lying - deal breaker)whose words and actions inspire trust and respect (and actions speak louder than words)has excellent communication skills (open communication is mandatory for a bdsm relationship, right?)an experienced sadist, and is wickedly competent at it (i'm a maso. i want pain, but don't want to be damaged in the process)able to have sex at least four times per day (i am an insatiable, horny SLUT)and that's just for starters.yeah, i know the bar is set high. and i know my chances of finding Master Right are slim. but i've had a few tastes of being in a relationship with a Master Right. and it was heaven. seriously, it was heaven on earth. i will never forget the security and the deep feelings of slavehood i felt - far more deeper than any submissive feelings i ever felt. once you have had that, it's hard to accept anything less and unfortunately, i know now i CANNOT settle for anything less.and i know i am asking a lot. but a long conversation with my tantra mentor made me stop and think when she asked me, "for all that you want in Master Right, what exactly do YOU have to offer in return?" and my smart-ass reply was, "the best fuck he ever had!" and she said, "oh yeah, that's all it takes to have a great relationship, right?" we both knew i DON'T think that's all a relationship takes. but i did take a lot of time these past few months to think about what the heck do i have that i can offer Master Right in return???and i have rambled on far long enough. i'll post the reply to that question soon.
someone today asked me, "what are you looking for in a master?"
i wanted to say
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3/12/2010 7:26:58 PM |
things i want to do this weekend.1. go to sir steffan's daytime party saturday2. go to "repo man"3. go to lowry park zoo4. go to florida aquarium5. go to the citrus tower6. go to bok tower7. go to busch gardens8. go to sea world9. go to universal studios10. go to islands of adventure11. go camping with my gal pal for kickass photo and video shoots.sounds like the manic phase of bipolar is kicking in!i'll probably just end up spending the majority of weekend time on my back in bed having sex. not that that's a bad thing, but i really do want to do all those things, and more!i also need to make a lot of money this weekend because i have had to spend a huge amount in the past few weeks on those little unexpected things life throws at you, and also expected things that cost a small fortune. i just spent $350 to extend two computer warranties. i put it off until the very day they expired. these are the kind of warranties where they come to your home and fix the problem within 24 hours. with my kind of work, this is an absolute godsend, especially when you are self-employed and don't have an IT department to call when your computer breaks down and you know just enough about computers to be dangerous and REALLY fuck it, and you have a live internet show to broadcast and porn to upload and sell and your anxiety disorder kicks in big time cuz you can't do your work!extending this warranty was perfect timing because the very next day, my laptop would not boot up, and the DVD drive on my tower would not work. i swear they plan this!i was flipping back and forth between buying a new desktop and a new laptop, and keeping the existing ones as spares vs. renewing the extended warranty contract. i still don't know if i made the right decision. but i have two computers that work again, and i am happy with that.also, now that i am doing two live group show webcasts every week on the internet, i took advantage of a super-duper special limited offer through the company to buy probably the very best webcam out on the market today - it fixes bad lighting problems on its own, it has autofocus even for EXTREME close-ups (especially good when i want to show marks from play, and pussy/clit/ass/nipple closeups), it has a great microphone, and it has one of the best pixel count, and frames-per-second count in existance....and i took advantage of the BOGO offer. so it was a great investment into my business. cost a lot of money, but the webcam shows will look more real-life with better streaming and won't be jerky and choppy. perfect timing - i have four cams going at all times in my voyeur house, and one just broke this week, and another one - something happened to the automatic dark lighting adjustment - that one cam continuously looks like it has poor lighting, even though it doesn't. by the time i get back home this weekend, the cams should be there and i can't wait to try them out! they cost a small fortune, but it's worth it for my business.ok, since i know you are just dying to know what else i spent money on, i will tell you i am the proud owner of the cadillac - no, the porsche, no, the LAMBORGHINI of massage tables that will double as a bondage table. it does almost everything except automatically strap the guy down and flog him for me. it even sits upright, has armrests, and a sling to suspend the arms when facedown. i can't wait for my first victim...er...client...to try it out. and then there was the unexpected car problems, but we won't get into that, because i tend to blatantly ignore stressful events and car problems are ALWAYS stressful events for me.i also bought things around the house that will make my work much easier for me and things i had been putting off buying for a long time but i really am happy with them cuz they already are helping me be more productive in my work.see? self-employment in the sex industry is not glamorous. it's EXPENSIVE! LOL!so i need to make a ton of money this weekend. and go do all that stuff i mentioned above. yeah...like that's gonna happen.next week, wednesday through saturday, i will be working in tampa. it's gonna be a kickass trip - i can feel it. work always goes great in the manic phase. come to think of it, so is the sex...now, i talk about my mental illnesses very frankly in this blog. let's see if you can name them all. the winner gets a prize.to top it off, i have found out that a brother, a sister, and my mother have all been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and a major research hospital (if i named it, you would recognize it) is conducting a study on familial links of OCD. they are coming to my home to conduct a three hour interview and draw blood. then i will meet with a psychologist, or psychiatrist, i can't remember which one. my sister has been telling me for years that i have symptoms of this. i hope they don't prove her right. oh joy. i am having a very nice visit with family this week. we are going to see "alice in wonderland" and going to play billiards, boys against the girls, before i leave. there has been a lot of laughter and communication. i am blessed.in just a matter of months, the day will come with they are all grown and gone and these opportunities will also be gone. i cherish these times now while i can.so, life is good. in spite of, or maybe because of, the manic phase.if i can do all that stuff before it gets beastly hot, i'll be even happier.
things i want to do this weekend.1. go to sir steffan's daytime party saturday2. go to "
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3/12/2010 7:02:33 AM |
i am so disappointed. and struggling with decidinga. do you give someone the room to fuck up big time and help them try to make it right, forgive that person, and hope they never do it again.orb. see the signs that history is repeating itself and run like hell before you waste another year or so in a dead-end relationship.i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who deliberately hurt someone else, and treated them poorly and caused the other person to distrust people even more and added to the baggage pile that will haunt the other person for a lifetime. and yes, i am shallow...if i am with someone, i want his reputation to be spotless and above reproach. because the person i am with reflects on me. and i am shallow because i value my own reputation very much. i know i have screwed up many a time in the florida bdsm community so it's definitely tarnished with things i've said and done, and things i should have said and should have done, but did not do. there are a lot of people who don't give a fuck about their own reputation or who they are with in public or private and feel that if other people don't like them or their companion, fuck them. but i have learned last night and this morning that i am not that way. i am shallow and i don't have that inner strength to stand up to that.but on the other hand, don't real friends accept one another regardless of their faults? don't real friends try to help each other become better people? isn't there some kind of unconditional love that's supposed to sustain through a fuck-up? borderline personality disorder is extremely fucked up when it comes to unconditional love. we believe people are GOOD or people are BAD. no grey. i have battled this kind of thinking for decades and have tried to break out of that and just see that people are good AND bad and flawed and human and will make mistakes but that doesn't mean you turn your back on them and treat them like a pariah when they fuck up. but on the other hand, if you don't watch the signs, you are setting yourself up for another round of misuse and abuse.i'm so confused. and so disappointed. the person who was hurt and disrespected - i genuinely feel bad for her. and i hope that she can heal from this added layer of baggage and i am sure another brick has been added to the masonry of protection around her heart.and i hope the person who did all this will think twice about words, actions, and lack of both, next time and really analyze what motivated this kind of behavior. maybe if the motivation can be pinpointed, it can be avoided in the future. so what to do? accept, forgive, and continue on?or take it as a sign of the future, say goodbye now before it happens again, and move on?
i am so disappointed. and struggling with decidinga. do you give someone the room
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3/9/2010 4:47:47 AM |
slowly rejoining the land of the living.not quite all the way yet...just dipping a toe in the water to see if it's comfy...
slowly rejoining the land of the living.not quite all the way yet...just dipping a toe in the
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2/26/2010 12:40:24 PM |
today was a very emotionally and mentally draining day. with my father passing away last november, my brother had to fly into tampa today for a guardianship hearing for my mother. my mother is incapacitated due to end stage alzheimer's. i had no idea things were so involved. three independent medical doctors to weigh in on her medical condition, her appointed lawyer to oversee her legal status, my brother had to hire a lawyer, and now the magistrate will advise the judge on today's hearing. but it looks like everything will go through OK.it was nice to spend time with family, but also bittersweet. my mom would have been overjoyed to see her children together visiting with her. but her mind is gone and she had no knowledge we were there.i'm also mentally and emotionally drained because i have been battling a major decision and i finally made the decision. and i am not proud of my decision because it will hurt someone. i think submissives, and slaves-at-heart, tend to do things because we want so much to please, and to make others happy, even though it does not work for us. thus, i have come to the conclusion through all this that i really do believe it is best if i remain single. i don't like to hurt others. but it seems that is the regular progression of my relationships. so what does a submissive do, when she desires to serve with all her heart, but knows it is best if she has no one to serve? live a life of frustration? sometimes i cannot bear to visit with couples, and see their happiness and joy with each other, because it shows me what i am missing in my life.i have a slave heart, but each attempt to find someone to serve has been futile.it all seems pretty hopeless to me. and pointless.
today was a very emotionally and mentally draining day. with my father passing away last
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2/25/2010 5:35:06 AM |
i am mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually exhausted but had a good trip to tampa. after a few days of regrounding and recentering myself, i'll be back up to speed i think, just in time to head back to the space coast.me and the kitties had quality therapeutic fur time last night and this morning.after canceling on my sister four times, i am off to spend the day with her. i don't have another work trip scheduled until march 24-27 and i am hoping i can get away with not having anything until then. not good for business, but perhaps good for my well-being. i think i am so drained this time is because my trips usually are with regulars, but this trip had quite a bit of new clients, and it must take a lot out of me to get into their mind and figure out what they need the best.i'll be over on the space coast for 12 days this month if anyone wants to sit on the beach and discuss the meaning of life according to eric cartman.life is good.
i am mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually exhausted but had a good trip to tampa.
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2/14/2010 6:10:21 AM |
photography and porn is not glamorous. i've been sitting waiting for a few hours to shoot and one thing after another interferes. models, photographers, lights, cameras, videos, computers....but the wine is good.....
photography and porn is not glamorous. i've been sitting waiting for a few hours to shoo
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2/13/2010 9:20:34 AM |
this is probably way off base but i guess it wouldn't hurt. by any chance is there a family law attorney on here who would like to barter? central florida corridor, from tampa, lakeland, kissimmee, orlando, the space coast - that would be great, thank you.
this is probably way off base but i guess it wouldn't hurt. by any chance is there a fam
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2/13/2010 2:53:18 AM |
are you tired of people from other countries on here scamming you?are you tired of getting the same old introductory email from the same person over and over again after you've told them, "No thanks!" and it is obvious they didn't read your profile but are sending this to every person on here?are you tired of so-called "business opportunities" on here that are rip-offs?if you are, did you know that you can report it to collarme? use the SPAM and SCAM report feature. if enough people do this, scammers' and spammers' accounts will be suspended. sure, they will just open up another account, but let's make it a bit more difficult for them. it only take a few clicks of your mouse. if we all did this, it just might make a few of these people go somewhere else.
are you tired of people from other countries on here scamming you?are you tired of getting the
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2/11/2010 6:26:19 AM |
i think the worst is passed with this latest episode of depression and i am very grateful it didn't last long. a lot of people have asked, "what caused it this time?" i am not sure what caused it. social factors? too much stress? trying to do too much at once? worry over family members? the struggles of a new relationship? too much caffeine??? or just a bad mix of norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin? i dunno. but it's much better now. thank god/dess.i lost A LOT of money and i do mean A LOT by not working those days. but now that my brain is unscrambling and getting somewhat back to normal, business is kicking ass again, so i am just gonna put that loss behind me, pick myself up, and move on ahead. no looking back and crying over spilled brain chemicals.i hope everyone had a sweet valentine's day. mine was very nice. very busy but very nice.this weekend we were on the go mixing fetish events and work. made good money and had good fun. worked hard, played hard. somehow we managed to fit everything in, even though i would have liked to stay longer at certain events, but there just wasn't enough hours in the day.i finally saw altpathway at the tampa munch saturday. it was bittersweet because they are closing and moving somewhere smaller. it was a nice venue and a labor of love on their part - such a shame that part of their journey is closing. i will always regret i never made it to a drag queen show there. there were many highlights but i think the sweetest part was at fetish circuit when he used my spike paddle on my ass and made me bleed. i was told the blood was running down my thighs and i do believe i felt trickles on the backs of my thighs - all i could feel was not even pain but the endorphins and the music was a part of me, inside me, around me, breathing in and out of my nostrils, enveloping me and i remember him telling me to lean back down over the top-rest of the kneeling bench and i tried to lean over but i couldn't move - i could hear him but i couldn't obey him. i could feel each individual puncture from the needle paddle and i could feel my pores - it wasn't pain. i can't explain it. but anyway, when i couldn't respond to his command, he decided i had enough and he helped me up and got me to a couch and covered me up. and he cleaned the bench. he cleaned the bench.i have not NOT cleaned up after a scene in YEARS. that is the bottom's job in my opinion. if the top can do all that hard work - the planning, the implementing, the constant vigil for safety, etc., then i think the least we bottoms can do is clean up afterward. but there he was, cleaning it up. and i was just sitting there in a daze watching. then he came and put his arms around me and we sat there. i am so not used to aftercare!!! i never really needed it or wanted it too much before (unless it was a major heavy scene and i couldn't walk afterward), but i must say it was very comforting and it was nice to reorient myself to the real world enveloped in warmth from strong arms rather than in the middle of wiping a leather padded beam with an alcohol-drenched paper towel. it has usually been an automatic thing - dom decides scene is over, i get up, hug and kiss the dom in gratitude, grab the alcohol spray bottle and the paper towel, get to work and clean up, then sit down with a bottle of water. so this aftercare is a bit different than the norm! gawd, next thing you know, i'll be begging for the bunny fur!i think the funniest moment was when i was watching a really great scene at fetish circuit and it turns out my new beau knew the domme who was scening, and she came up to us and i was introduced to her and she said, "i've seen you before!" and i said, "yes, i've seen YOU before!" we figured out it was from my "home" dungeon, sir steffan's. it turns out she remembered me from laying on a mattress next to me at sir steffan's, with both of us getting our brains fucked out. so i layed down on the couch we were sitting on, turned my head to her and said, "there, does this look more familiar now?" yup, she definitely remembered THAT particular angle. we laughed about that for awhile. that would make a good bumper sticker - you know you're a slut when people recognize you from the horizontal view. feel free to use that quote. but i want royalties ;-) i did turn to see how my date was taking that type of reference to my extensive sexual history and practices but he was smiling and laughing too, which was a huge relief. so, things are going well with my new beau. we have A LOT of MAJOR differences but we also have A LOT of major likenesses. when we met, he had a lot of very strong feelings about certain things - for example, polyamory and non-monogamy (two very different scenarios) were not for him, but he is willing to be open minded and try. that is quite a huge thing to decide to be open minded and try, and i appreciate that willingness to try very much. he also is very tolerant and supportive of my work, which is also very much appreciated by me. i don't think a lot of men would want their significant other to go off and do the type of work i do. yet he understands the situation and the "why" of what i do, and is actually giving me very good pointers with my work, whether it be professional domination, one-on-one webcam, phonesex, live group webcam shows, amateur bbw fetish modeling work, custom videos, stock videos and photos, one-on-one tantra work...he has a lot of insight and has given excellent suggestions from the point of view that i need the most - a hot blooded highly sexual person. it was a concern when we first met as to whether or not he would be sadistic enough for me as he has not played much in the public arena. i can hereby testify that yes, in private, and in public, he is sadistic enough. unfortunately, all these years of hard play has made my ass a "leather ass" and now it is difficult to welt and bruise this ass. but trust me....i FEEL IT! the bad part is, he cannot see his handiwork on me. that is why i highly encourage him to play with others. i WANT him to see his handiwork and be proud of it!to the younger masochists: enjoy those black and blue and purple badges of honor and those souveniers you see in the mirror today now on your ass. someday your skin may not be so soft and supple after years of hard use. take photos of it now. then in your old age when a bamboo cane doesn't even raise a welt anymore, you can look back and smile and say, "ooooh yesssss, I remember THAT night!!!!"i am on the space coast all this week and would love to get together with old friends and new. just holler. thursday i'll be doing photo and video shoots all day, but any other day is good. i'll either be leaving late friday night, or as late as sunday night. so let's do it! a bit too cold to sit on the beach with iced tea...but somewhere overlooking the water with a pot of hot tea sounds nice!life is good. cold, but good (where the heck is that global warming????)
i think the worst is passed with this latest episode of depression and i am very grateful it
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2/3/2010 3:57:39 AM |
i think the worst has passed. i hate being a drama queen. but that journal entry sure caused an outpouring of kind words from people. thank you. that was not my intention - to get attention - but it is nice to know people do give a shit.i'm doing better. tonight i am going to john and starla's for dinner with my new beau. it will be the first time i've been outside (and showered...ewwwww!) in four days. i've canceled many live internet shows, appointments, mani/pedi with my sister, dates, helping a friend move, avoided phone calls and emails, which just makes me more guilty and miserable and depressed. this episode's vicious cycle needs to stop....it's time to rejoin the world.i'm very grateful this one didn't last 17 to 21 days.and my heart goes out to those who are in the middle of their own personal mental illness hell right now. it's an ugly, lonely, frightening, soul-numbing, isolating place to be.life goes on....
i think the worst has passed. i hate being a drama queen. but that journal entry s
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2/1/2010 3:38:52 AM |
i've been off my antidepressant meds for sixteen months now, and haven't had one major depressive episode. i think the last one i had was july 2007. so i've been doing pretty good. but i think i am sliding into one now and i am doing all i can to stop it before it incapacitates me. i cannot afford 17 to 21 days of lying in a dark room, not communicating, not being productive, not working, not making any money.i canceled the trip to tampa this week, which was a huge money-making opportunity, but i cannot conduct sessions when i am not 100%. it's not fair to my clients.i'm meditating, i'm burning sage, i'm affirming, i'm envisioning, i'm keeping my mind full of positivity, i'm helping others, but it is pulling me down, and each day the pull gets stronger. i am fighting this and it won't get me.
i've been off my antidepressant meds for sixteen months now, and haven't had one major depress
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1/26/2010 4:53:39 PM |
it was a bittersweet visit on the space coast as i helped my 21-year-old daughter get ready to move into her new home. she found a 100+ year-old key west bungalow on the river in a nice neighborhood. wal-mart stockholders should love me. we did good. we bought A LOT for what i had budgeted. but there is still so much more i wanted to get her. the spirit is willing but the wallet is weak. her dad and i would buy up historical old homes in suburban chicago and get grant money from the city and fix them up nice and flip them. it is no wonder that my daughter inherited my love of old houses - that is all she grew up in. i walked into her new home and felt good positive energy immediately. we went to the backyard that overlooks the causeway and the river. it is completely sheltered by huge ancient live oaks, palms, and other trees, with lots of comfy outdoor seating including a swing. the whole front of the house has a big screened in porch and two sides of the house's first floor is floor-to-ceiling windows in the key west style. the neighbors were very friendly and introduced themselves and said they would watch over her - it's a very neighborhood-watch type of area. i am so proud of her...she did good for her very first home on her own.i don't talk about my children much. in fact i think this is the first time i've even mentioned the fact that i have children in my blog. but they are older now, and therefore i feel it safer for people to know now. i am so proud of each and every one of them. it seems like just a few years ago i would be sitting out on my own front porch nursing her in my arms, thinking about some day, a long long time from then, i would be taking her to pick out her own household items for when she would move out...and here it is happening. it's very heartrending. to love your children so much and only want to protect them, but know that you have to let them go someday. they move out and have their own life and you are still their mother, but not in the same way as you were before. there have been a lot of private tears shed by me this week. and right now!the next time i go to the space coast, i will be having a home-cooked salmon dinner with my daughter, in her new home, cooked in her new kitchen, in new pots and pans and served on new platters with new silverware. and it is all 100% hers and hers alone. no more will i hear her in the kitchen late at night making a cup of tea. no more will i hear her get up and shower and blow dry her hair and go to work at 10 a.m. no more will i hear her friends come to the door to pick her up and go to the art district for a night out. and i need to stop this because i am running out of kleenex!as for my love-life, date number four ended a few hours ago. Fourteen hours long, a lot of fun. tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. begins date number five. the poor man only had three hours of sleep today, at best. i don't know how he is going to survive work tonight. but i can tell you i will sleep like a baby. today he discovered the fun of forced orgasms. and i discovered i need to hide the hitachi magic wand.now that i've spent the majority of my money on my daughter's new home, i was very pleased to have two old clients contact me from out of the blue, both going way back from 2007 and 2008, and they want to reacquaint themselves with me. that always makes me feel so good! very validating. and perfect timing! so it looks like i'll be taking another trip to tampa sooner than i thought.life is good.
it was a bittersweet visit on the space coast as i helped my 21-year-old daughter get ready to
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1/21/2010 3:56:43 AM |
after losing money like crazy from the eye infection, i took an unscheduled trip to tampa and kicked ass. i am so grateful to my loyal clients. i am back in the black and then some.my marks on my breasts from the knifeplay on new year's eve are finally fading although still plainly visible. i love looking down and seeing them. makes me realize how much i do need a carving, and soon. just not sure what to get, and where.one day, i was minding my own business, working my ass off (literally) being a stay-at-home porn producer, when i got a phone call from an old friend. seems he and his love were heading out to dinner later that night to meet a married couple and a single guy, and they thought i would be a good candidate to round out the numbers. i still had two more live internet webcasts to do, but said if they wouldn't mind a late arrival, i could do that.so i got there at the restaurant and had a great time.first date - 2 hours.second date - 22 hours (and that was only because i had to check out of the hotel in tampa)third date - 19 hours i passed up two appointments with known clients, and did not aggressively pursue a few more potential clients during that 22 hour date, so i told him that technically, he is at least a $400 fuck. he liked that.i'm off for a week to visit family on the space coast. i would love to meet old and new friends for breakfast or dinner over there if the mood strikes you. i won't be on here much so please reach me on the cell phone.have a great week, everybody!life is good. correction: my ass and pussy and nipples are sore - life is GREAT.
after losing money like crazy from the eye infection, i took an unscheduled trip to tampa an
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1/11/2010 12:36:57 PM |
today has not been fun. i've been battling some sort of eye irritation for a few days now. today has been the worst. it is completely swollen, bloodshot, and is absolutely driving me crazy.i may have to break down and go to a walk-in clinic tomorrow if it's not better. i am canceling a photo shoot that REALLY needed to be done tomorrow.very bummed.
today has not been fun. i've been battling some sort of eye irritation for a few days no
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1/10/2010 6:41:32 AM |
the woodshed bruises, welts, and knife marks are all gone and healed. they lasted for almost two weeks. nicely done!now i am a raw canvas again.work is going absolutely fantastic. i found new places to advertise, and my southern-charms income has DOUBLED because of it. my last trip to tampa, even with four cancellations because of the flu bug, kicked ass. the voyeur cam and live internet show venue is also kicking ass. and, i found a new venue for bbw webcam and will be starting that today and tomorrow. my tantra site is in the works. i have the domain, and i have the bare bone skeleton of it, and i decided i would build the rest all by myself. so i am back into the world of html HELL. i don't think i've driven my webmistress crazy yet...maybe only one phone call or email per day asking, "WTF am i doing wrong?" or "how the @#$% do i do this?"all in all, things are going very well. i truly love my job(s). do i wish i had sick pay? medical insurance? vacation pay? 401(k)? a pension plan? of course i do. but corporate america and i haven't been a good fit for many years now, and i don't know if we ever will be again.this cold weather here has been absolutely unreal. i was looking forward to little tiny electricity bills. but with having to use space heaters to keep warm when it's gotten down to 28 degrees several nights in a row, there went that plan. i've blown a few fuses overloading the electrical wiring here. and i've heard about several people's houses burning down because of space heater fires. so it's been scary but i've been diligent. Locally, we have been plaqued with sinkholes in Polk and Hillsborough
counties, probably because the farmers are using huge amounts of water
to keep their crops from freezing, drawing large amounts of water from
the aquifer too quickly. Our interstate, several main roads, and
private homes are seeing damage.my cats have been my constant companion in my nice toasty bedroom and i am so glad they are MY cats and they are safe with a nice warm bed at nice. i see many stray cats roaming the streets here, and at the very end of my street, is a wooded area where there is a very large feral cat community. it breaks my heart to see these cats just breed and breed and breed, and roam the streets, scavenging for food, and trying to stay warm in the sub-freezing temperatures at night. meanwhile, my three feast on soft food with gravy, dry cat food, canned mackerel and salmon, and honey ham slices and sleep in a nice, soft, warm bed with their mommy every night. i belong to a local board where there are some stray animals posted in the hopes that someone will adopt them. i had to stop looking at those posts because it literally breaks my heart that i can't take those animals.speaking of heartbreaking, the earthquake in haiti and the devastation that followed...huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. my thoughts and prayers go out to them.i feel very blessed that right now, at least for me, life is good.
the woodshed bruises, welts, and knife marks are all gone and healed. they lasted for al
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12/28/2009 1:08:04 PM |
i cannot think of a better way to ring in the new year than by playing with one of my favorite sadists in the whole wide world. and that is exactly what happened last night at the woodshed in orlando. my ass is thoroughly bruised, welted, and full of little teeny tiny scabs. my tits have looooong beautiful lines of tiny scabs. my thighs and shoulders are marked too. the endorphins are gone, but the memory remains.i have a vanilla friend who had two pretty boring alternatives for NYE so i invited him to come with me. he's pretty open minded so i was pretty confident he wouldn't run away screaming. he did great. he said this was the best NYE he ever had, and he will never forget it. i am so happy and so proud of him for having the courage to bust his dungeon/BDSM cherry.today was absolutely 100% unproductive. i had such plans. silly me. i got to bed at 6:00 a.m. and slept til 1:20 p.m.all i've done today is answer emails, texts, PMs and phone calls, consumed vast amounts of food (i don't know why, but today i am STARVING) and did a few loads of laundry. and of course pet my cats many many times but that's common behavior here. zoe is laying next to me grooming herself and licking my hand when i stop petting her. i had hoped to start on the tantra site but i am soooo exhausted. and content!now, i am wondering where global warming is when you need it. it is going to be 30 degrees tonight here. this is FLORIDA. it's not supposed to be 30 degrees! i do feel sorry for all the tourists who come here for warm weather. i love tourists. as long as they don't drive when they are here. holy moly, i've been to kissimmee a lot in the past week and every single time, they have snarled up traffic, been involved in numerous accidents, and drive like completely lost lunatics. probably because they ARE completely lost lunatics. just stay in the hotels and take the shuttle buses, ok?hope everyone had a great NYE. what did you do for it? whether you went to the best kick-ass party on the planet, or you stayed home in your own digs, i hope it was a good one.2010 is going to be a great year.life is good.
i cannot think of a better way to ring in the new year than by playing with one of my favorite
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12/27/2009 3:05:18 AM |
i woke up this morning and the first thought that went through my head was, "i'm playing at the woodshed tonight!!!!!!!"what a nice way to start the day :-)a few days ago, i was nervous. not anymore! i am psyched! yesterday was a great day. i did two live internet shows - one of them was a contest on sexual trivia. the peeps who come to the shows and interact are a riot. they were spitting out such funny answers that i was literally LMAOPIMP right on camera. i wish i would have saved the transcript so i could post some of their hilarious answers. today's task is totally revamping my mistresstrysta.com site with new photos and a whole new look. the domain was transferred over and i have access to the C-panel. and the design has been backed up so if i fuck it up too much today, they can revert to the old one just in case. if i finish that, i will work on my brand new baby to whom i'm hoping to give birth by the weekend - the tantra website. i am envisioning it and i am not creative enough to try to draw it out for a webmaster, so i am attempting to do it myself. so far i haven't found a template that i like or can revise to what i want, so, after avoiding it like the plague, i am going to jump into HTML. perhaps the voyeur cam members will be amused as i pull out my hair, wail, gnash my teeth, and....WAIT! STOP THAT!/end reverting to old behavior/begin new behaviormeditate...ahh...yessssss...it's all good...positive thinking...it WILL work. i CAN do this. i WILL do this...envision it complete...bask in the completeness....FEEL the completeness...BE in the completeness...attention deficit disorder kicks in. uh oh....SMACK! CRACK! THWACK! "ooohhhh....uuuuhhhh....mmmmmm.....OOOOHHHHH!!!!"/end fantasizing about tonight/begin refocusing white light. purity. goodness. relax into it. become it.....SMACK! CRACK! THWACK!"ooohhhhhhhhh yessssssssss! OHHH GOD YESSSSSSSS!"wait a minute. i'm supposed to be meditating! relax...breathe deep...feel every muscle relax...breathe deeper. feel the cleansing breaths in...exhale out...."BEND OVER!""YES SIR!"/gives up trying to meditate/resume old behavior/begin wailing, gnashing of teeth, pulling out hairmama kitty, sushi and zoe climb up on my bed to see what's going on./begin petting kittehsahhhhh...all is well again. chi is restored. balance achieved.therapeutic fur again to the rescue.***best wishes to everyone for a happy new year, and a safe new year, and a prosperous new year, and a fulfilling new year!***please, don't drink and drive. stay safe out there.life is good.
i woke up this morning and the first thought that went through my head was, "i'm playing
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12/25/2009 8:46:34 PM |
just wanted to thank everyone who helped vote for an acquaintance's yahoo group in wingman's adult group of the year.he went from fifth place to SECOND place in just TWO DAYS!!! just a coincidence? i think not.collarme has a great group of people who help each other?i daresay so.here's the info if you haven't voted yet. there's still two more days to vote.http://adultgrouplists.com/cgi-bin/rateit-a.pl?name=girls_of_southern_charmsgroup activity - strong communitygroup focus - socialimage rating level - softcore erotica or hardcore pornoverall value - must jointhanks again for helping to make this group leader happy!
just wanted to thank everyone who helped vote for an acquaintance's yahoo group in wingman's a
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12/25/2009 12:07:00 PM |
i feel so blessed right now! my dear friend and tantra mentor let me and my photographer invade her home today and take over almost every room. it has been A LONG TIME since the flow was so perfect. we banged out a lot of work, and the great thing is that it is GOOD work. there is not too much that is gonna be unused. i am so excited. i have great new photos for the dominatrix site, the tantra site, the southern-charms site, the rude site, the clips4sale site.....holy moly it was just sooooooo good today. what a wonderful thing when that happens.now this may sound hokey but i also feel it was because of the energy at my mentor's place. she is amazing with surrounding herself with positive energy and abundance. and the place is decorated like a professional decorator came through...it's pretty rare that i get so excited about photo shoots - i hope that we can recreate that energy and the flow next time!life is good.
i feel so blessed right now! my dear friend and tantra mentor let me and my photographer
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12/24/2009 2:50:17 PM |
to whoever is in charge of the weather:ok. we get your point. you can do whatever you want when you want and how long you want. we are at your mercy. you are the ultimate dominant. we understand that. now please, PLEASE take away these nights in the 30s??? you are seriously interfering with my camping plans!!please?sincerely,sammie
to whoever is in charge of the weather:ok. we get your point. you can do whatever
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12/24/2009 3:42:55 AM |
hey peeps. please help me do a favor for a email list manager. he's trying to get his group to win wingman's adult group of the year.i think he's down several hundred votes so i am asking my friends to help him out. voting closes in a few days. personally, i think he is obsessing over it cuz it's all he talks about these days, but hey, it will only take a few minutes of your time to vote and if he wins, you'll make him a very happy man. http://adultgrouplists.com/cgi-bin/rateit-a.pl?name=girls_of_southern_charmsgroup activity - strong communitygroup focus - socialimage rating level - softcore erotica or hardcore pornoverall value - must jointhanks peeps. chalk this up for your good deed of the day.hugs,sammie
hey peeps. please help me do a favor for a email list manager. he's trying to get
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12/24/2009 2:42:19 AM |
for all who celebrate christmas, i hope yours was a blessed one.i had a great day. i was spoiled rotten by my family for my birthday and for christmas, and i spoiled them back. yes, i went way overboard on spending and buying this year, but hey, i can say i did my part to boost the economy, and i love spoiling my family. the look of surprise and happiness on their faces as they open cards and gifts is so much fun to watch. i am so grateful i have a line of work that has enabled me to do that these past years. however, it's time to get back to the grindstone because i depleted a large portion of my disposable income, and also couldn't resist some purchases that dipped into my emergency cushion! time to replete! i've made some business decisions and will be focusing on fort lauderdale, miami, kissimmee, and of course, tampa bay in 2010 for my work. more traveling, which i am ambivalent about...i love to travel, but i miss my kitties horribly, and my own space, when i am gone. but it's time to branch out and meet new clients. so i have been busy researching those markets and hopefully making some wise decisions that will make 2010 my best year yet.cecil at the woodshed mentioned he found some wicked old toys and it looks like he will break them out at the woodshed new year's eve....on me, at least. i'm kinda nervous, because i haven't played in so long. and kinda nervous, because i haven't played so intense in even a longer time. he is a sadist, no doubt about it, so i'll be challenged. i am hoping my masochistic genes will kick in and take over, even though they have been dormant for so long, not by choice though!life is good.
for all who celebrate christmas, i hope yours was a blessed one.i had a great day. i was
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12/19/2009 3:52:36 PM |
had a great time at sir steffan's daytime party today. i really only just went there to get birthday spankings. really. and i was spanked by two wonderful men. i really had no intention of participating in the other lady's gangbang. really. but somehow, i found myself dragged to the mattresses on the floor, and the rest is a blur....cocks, cocks, cocks, all shapes, all sizes, all lovely....and the surprise of the day was connecting with a fellow tantra student right there in the middle of the gangbang.synchronized breathing, eyegazing, moving energy up the chakras, awakening kundalini, firebreathing, mmmmmm....i don't know if the people watching us knew what we were doing, but we sure did and it was absolutely amazing. i had to break the connection before it went too deep, which it was doing very rapidly. tantra is so incredible on so many different levels :-)i am one very tired but very happy sammie.the photos on my profile will be taken down and replaced with other newer ones. i have changed my look. everytime i looked in the mirror, i saw dowdy and frumpy and outdated. i asked my mentor's hairstylist to give me something modern, polished, professional. so far, everyone likes it - except those who love to grab and pull my hair ;-)life is good.
had a great time at sir steffan's daytime party today. i really only just went there to
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12/15/2009 11:07:58 AM |
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!lows in the 30s the next few nights?????WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!sheesh! global warming, my fuckin' ass!send this shit back up north where it belongs!(the management apologizes for the crude, vulgar and unladylike language above and wishes to assure the reader this is not typical behavior and is not tolerated. management will address this issue immediately. until then, have an electric blanket and a hot toddy, compliments of the house.)
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!lows in the 30s the next few nights?????WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!sheesh! glo
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12/14/2009 8:13:48 AM |
I WILL BE GOING to lifestyleexplorers' daytime party next week, on wednesday. sir steffan has said he will be happy to oblige my request for birthday spankings.dear cecil at the new and improved woodshed also volunteered his resources, and reminded me of some evil toys he got out of storage...i have GOT to get over there!!!wow, such wonderful people willing to spank my ass for my birthday....i feel so blessed LOL!i heard fetish circuit, still having monthly parties at the honey pot in ybor city, has added dates at altpathway in tampa! i STILL haven't made it to altpathway yet but i only hear positive things about it...good food, good prices, good drinks, good staff, good drag shows, good fun...and now you combine that with fetish circuit being there, who go all-out on their parties, i don't see how you could go wrong. are we blessed, or what?having a great trip in tampa, very profitable, very fun, very energizing, very validating. i'll sleep when i'm dead.life is good.
I WILL BE GOING to lifestyleexplorers' daytime party next week, on wednesday. sir stef
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11/30/2009 7:01:01 AM |
females on here get a lot of email. i mean A LOT. single females get even more email, i think.it's really strange when emails come in from people all around the world, and the same thread resonates throughout each email. the latest thread is, "wow, you really know what you want."so that made me wonder, why do i know what i REALLY want? i think the reason why (yes, i know i am a WHY person, and i think i will ALWAYS be a WHY person) i know what i want, is because i have had so many relationships that ended in failure and from each one i have learned what i DON'T want.so instead of focusing on the pain and rejection and failure of each relationship, and living in fear that it will happen again, i need to be grateful that each one has shaped me and defined me even better to know what works for me, and what doesn't work for me.and rather than waste someone's time, i am just gonna lay all that self-discovery out on the line in the very beginning.another thing i hear a lot is, "you are so real."my mentor once told me that the reason she wanted to mentor me, and why she was drawn to me, is because "you are one of the most authentic people i know."i know that there are a lot of fakes on here, i hear that all the time from disgruntled subs and doms. i don't really have much interaction with strangers due to lack of free time, and to be blunt, due to lack of patience with people who are on here for playing games, so i am lucky that i have not experienced much with that. and if the person isn't local and we cannot connect face-to-face soon, i lose interest quickly.in some ways, as much as i hate my borderline personality disorder thinking, i think it has actually made me a better person in perhaps a few positive ways.borderline personality disorder people tend to think in black and white. right and wrong. good and bad. there is no grey. there is honest and dishonest.honest is good. dishonest is bad.there is real and fake. real is good. fake is bad.cut and dry. very simple. not being able to think in the grey part has really fucked up my life. but i am working on that. until i learned about my tendency to live and think in only black/white, and realized what i have been doing, and resolved to change the way i think, i have lived my whole life like that.due to my prior inability to live in the grey, and ignorance to even know i could live in the grey, i have had no desire to live in dishonesty or in inauthenticity. it woud be very dificult and very emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining for me to do that.lying is bad. honesty is good. case closed.i am learning to live in the grey more, but for me, lying, dishonesty, cheating, leading someone on, playing games...all that still remains, in my opinion, as wrong, as bad, as undesirable.i probably could be a lot more successful in my adult work if i could lie more and be inauthentic. but i can't. suppose i have a client who really wants scat and that is a hard limit for me. i could tell that client that yes, i could indulge in his certain fantasy only to have him show up and then make up an excuse as to why i couldn't do it that day. lots of dommes do that. i could lie about my video content or my photo content and promise things that aren't really in them to make a sale, and then come up with an excuse if the person bothered to question me.this is common business practice in my industry. admittedly, it can be a very sleazy industry. it amazes me the lengths that people will go through to make a buck. i was alerted to the fact that a person i worked with in the past was using my content on sites i did not know about, and was making money off it. so this week i had to scour the internet for DMCAs. when someone uses your adult content against your consent, you can file a DMCA. i found my content being sold against my consent on dozens of sites this week. hours and hours were spent ensuring this was taken down. and i will never work with this person again, and i will never go to a photo shoot if she will be in attendance. so while BPD has been a major factor in my screwed-up, fucked-up life, i am grateful for the fact that it has caused me to live in truthfulness, in authenticity, and in sincerity of intent.some people may think i am lying by being a submissive with slave-like tendencies in my personal life, and being a dominatrix in my business life. i would have thought the same five years ago. but now, it makes perfect sense, and i am able to keep the two separate. VERY separate. i have great respect for ladies who are dominant in their professional dominatrix business, as well as in their personal life. they truly are DOMINANTS. i am not. i assume a persona, a role, and i am just using my submissive experience to give a client what i KNOW he wants and needs. am i lying to the client? i don't think so, because i never claim to be a dominant in my personal life. he is purchasing a block of my time to engage in bdsm activities with a woman who will dominate him. and for that session, i do dominate him. then we go our separate ways and he reenters his world where he reassumes his roles, and so do i. our arrangement is a business transaction for a preset amount of time. if the client assumes i am dominant in my personal life, since my personal life is really none of his business, do i need to address this issue with him? i don't think so.so what do you think? am i lying and just rationalizing?
females on here get a lot of email. i mean A LOT. single females get even mo
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11/27/2009 11:35:49 AM |
i have a lot more respect for someone who has the balls to say in their profile that they are a switch or are bisexual than to go behind people's backs to get off on their "dirty little secret."
i have a lot more respect for someone who has the balls to say in their profile that they ar
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11/26/2009 5:42:21 AM |
my dear friend and tantra mentor has witnessed firsthand the way the bdsm community comes together for fellow members. she saw a huge group of people help me during my last move. she has asked that i "put out the word for her." she is an older woman, a grandmother, and is single, and could sure use a hand THIS SATURDAY at a storage facility in land o' lakes. she has help on the kissimmee end of the move (unless you really want to drive all that way and help!!) but could really use help unloading her storage units unto a truck at 10 a.m. this saturday at a storage unit by collier parkway and route 54 in land o' lakes. call me or email me or PM me here or text me. PLEASE - NO INSTANT MESSAGES on yahoo or any of those - i haven't logged in for weeks!thanks!
my dear friend and tantra mentor has witnessed firsthand the way the bdsm community comes toge
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11/15/2009 3:12:41 AM |
Rather than email everyone individually, I'll use this to say that all plans to meet people or play with people or continue correspondence with people are on hold indefinitely.My father passed away early yesterday morning. He was a good man who loved his children and his grandchildren, and loved his wife of sixty-three years. He was very humble yet had tremendous self-esteem. He taught us character traits of honesty and the self-worth that comes with a good work ethic. He never intruded into our lives but gave of himself freely, unconditionally and generously when asked.He died peacefully and painlessly and for that I am grateful.And I am also grateful I have very, very few regrets.Take the time, NOW, to spend with those you love, and tell them you love them, before it's too late.Dad would have never given unsolicited advice like that. In that regard, I take after my mother!
Rather than email everyone individually, I'll use this to say that all plans to meet people or
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11/11/2009 5:43:44 AM |
Two more clients and then I am on my way to my beloved campground with an old galpal. This trip to Tampa turned out to be wonderful. I had three cancellations so I was getting a bit concerned that it would not go well, but it all ended up fine. I had yet another long-lost client find me, and we just finished a wonderful session. He is such a sensation junkie. I find that I feed off the energy and it energizes me after a session. Nipple clamps, ball clamps, tacky-toy play (my needle paint roller, a new penis sheath lined in needles) tickle play, flogging, cropping, caning, tease and denial, all while in bondage and blindfolded...I love my clients but many many times I wish it were me tied to the table having these wonderfully delicious torments performed on me. But I am serving them, fulfilling their NEED, and that excites me.I was reacquainted with one of my favorite photographers and we met up in Apopka and went to a small Southern-Charms photo shoot. I saw old friends and made new ones, including an INCREDIBLE video and photo shoot of me on the sybian, while a dominatrix practiced orgasm control, then forced orgasms, on me. By the end of the shoot, the other models and their husbands/photographers were looking through the glass french doors with their jaws on the ground, and I noticed all the guys were sporting WOOD! It was great! The observers all agreed this video will be major "cha-ching!" I met a very interesting videographer and we spoke about working together. I am very, very excited about that - the chemistry was very good, and he was excellent in keeping a low, unobtrusive profile, yet getting all the action. On my way back to Tampa, I stopped off at home where my kitties were all curled up in warm furballs on my bed. I wanted soooo much to crawl in there with them and cuddle, but I only had time to grab a warm comforter and pet them and scratch behind their ears and rub their bellies and spoil them with honey ham lunch meat. I don't know if I imagined it, but they all were staring at me as I left, like, "That's right, just go off again, leave us here...like you always do....just go....that's right, fine, FINE, just go!"After my last client leaves here today, I am off for three days and two nights of camping, COLD nights (tonight's low is 45 degrees!) but i can't wait. More photo shoots with a good friend, and a photographer that I love to shoot with.Then off to the space coast for a few days. My kitties are going to hate me.
Two more clients and then I am on my way to my beloved campground with an old galpal. Th
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11/9/2009 10:13:21 AM |
so what happened to the fricken' balance to which i committed not even a month ago?arrggghhh...so much going on in life right now. but it's all good. even though i am learning about hinduism and buddhism and taoism in my tantra work, my christianity background scripture memorization kicks in..."all things come together for those who love the lord and who are called according to his purpose..."all good things are happening. even parents going through the cycle of life, death and rebirth are good things. even children floundering and learning their own way and deciding their own lifepath are good things. i will love them unconditionally, encourage them, hold them, be there for them. i am basking in the afterglow of a wonderful ecstatic transforming session with a new client - two hours of complete bliss, shifting between tantra and dominatrix work and back again, with a complete virgin of both, and he loved it. he was radiant. so am i. he was able to totally surrender and just BE. a natural.plus i was able to connect with several very dear long-term clients yesterday. it just keeps getting better as we continue to learn and explore. i love my work.special thanks to john and starla at bdsm-gear.com who spoiled me with wonderful exquisite new CBT toys for my clients. their stuff is top notch and you cannot beat their price. life is good.
so what happened to the fricken' balance to which i committed not even a month ago?arrggghhh..
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11/3/2009 4:58:37 AM |
excerpt from an email received this morning:Don't particularly care for karaoke or camping anymore, lol, the last
time I had to burn a tick free of xx's crotch and that finished it for
us.It's times like that in which I am reminded what a masochist I am. I LOOOOOVE having my crotch burned wih cigars, incense, lighters...If someone had to burn a tick off my crotch, I would get wet and horny.In fact, just thinking about it I am wet and horny.Fuck.Where's a good sadist when you need him?
excerpt from an email received this morning:Don't particularly care for karaoke or camping any
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11/2/2009 8:35:04 PM |
i just got back from another very nice visit with family on the space coast, and i do believe there is psychological healing there. counseling appointments are being kept, educational obligation are being met. i thank the universe every day for this progress. yes, the bottom can still drop out at any moment. but i am not going to live in fear of that. i am taking each moment at a time, and living in gratitude for each stable moment.my dad is being moved to the same nursing home that my mom has lived in for five years for her alzheimer's. he cannot go home on his own. he is way too weak and deconditioned. it is up in the air as to how long he will be in the nursing home. he will get occupational and physical therapy.he is NOT HAPPY about us insisting that he not go home, and go to the nursing home instead.better that he be mad at us than fall on the floor and be stuck there for hours again.it is 62 degrees in my room because i have the back door wide open, and the windows open. i love it. great sleeping weather. plus, all the kitties are curled up into little furballs in bed with me.i am soooooooooo excited because in the middle of my tantra/dominatrix work in tampa next week, i am going to apopka for another photo shoot in the mcmansion where i shot last fall and had such excellent results. and a very dear friend of mine said he would be happy to come and photograph me there. he did excellent work on me before at the mcmansion in temple terrace, and at the campsite. i am thrilled to have a chance to work with him.then, immediately after the trip to tampa, i will be heading north to the withlacoochee forest for a few days of camping and more photo shoots. i'll be working with another photographer that i've known for a long time, too, and am really excited about that, because it has been probably two years since we've worked together.plus....i LOVE CAMPING. and this is PERFECT camping weather. highs in the low 80s, lows in the 60s. :-))))i had a flare-up of my degenerative disk disease and had to cancel everything for four days last week. but that's ok. i did a lot of reading while i was flat on my back. i've been doing a lot of research and a lot of thinking about what i believe. to me, it is a sham to slap on a vinyl dress and hold a crop and say you're a domme. and in the same vein, i think it's a sham to put on a gauzy veil, get my nose pierced, and say i am a dakini. i am really taking what i am learning to heart, and trying my best to live it. not just practice what you preach, but internalize it and believe it with your heart and your mind.i am agonizing over text for the best website possible for my tantra work. i am such a newbie at it, there is so much to learn and internalize and use in my practice. but one has to start somewhere. i've been very blessed that my mentor is such a good sounding board and she knows me so well and can help me say what i want to say and keep me focused, because it is easy for me to get sidetracked with subthemes and all the myriad views of tantra.one thing i know for sure.i want to continue to incorporate bdsm into my tantra sessions, and i want to continue to incorporate tantra into my professional dominatrix sessions. i don't know WHY yet, i just know that i HAVE TO do it, and that it makes sense, and it is all connected! it's like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together. for me, tantra and bdsm complement each other and complete each other.with my back going out, i wonder how many more years do i have left in me to do any kind of work. but i am not going to panic over it. i am just going to apply myself as much as i can, and save, save, save.of course, having a sugar daddy find me wouldn't hurt either. ;-) the casting call on my previous entry went pretty well and i know i won't have a problem getting that wrestling shoot done. so now i will put out to the universe a desire for a sugar daddy in my old age!! well, doesn't hurt to try, does it?? :-))) i'll give a great soft blow job with my dentures out! life is interesting. life is constantly fluctuating.life is good.
i just got back from another very nice visit with family on the space coast, and i do believe
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11/2/2009 9:01:14 AM |
casting call: slender male (race not a factor but body type is) who can wrestle me on video and in stills photo shoot and then fuck.no compensation but i do barter ;-)you get to keep the finished footage (you cannot sell it though) and you get a month's free pass to one of my websites. you must fill out model release and 2257 form and a photo of your driver's license is kept on file. you can be masked and cover tattoos if needed.if you can wrestle convincingly, and can keep a hard-on with the cameras rolling and a condom on, let's talk! send me a photo of your WHOLE body, not just a cock pic!this needs to be done quickly, so if you are out of town and coming to florida in six months, that won't work.
casting call: slender male (race not a factor but body type is) who can wrestle me on vi
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10/25/2009 7:18:48 AM |
i won't be going to altpathways after all on halloween :-(i did a ten hour photo/video shoot yesterday and was invited to go to a local swing club halloween party this saturday with a very nice man and a very nice lady.if tampa was closer, i would still go to altpathways and then fetish circuit afterward but i'm planning on letting loose with wine....i mean, REALLY letting loose with wine, and this way, i don't have to drive.
i won't be going to altpathways after all on halloween :-(i did a ten hour photo/video shoot y
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10/23/2009 5:48:35 PM |
i am really gonna try to go to the fetish halloween dinner at altpathways this saturday. anybody wanna go with me?
i am really gonna try to go to the fetish halloween dinner at altpathways this saturday.
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10/23/2009 4:08:14 PM |
just got back from a wonderful visit to the space coast. my only regret is that it ended far too soon, even though i was there a week.i'm scheduling photo shoots...if there is anyone who has expressed an interest in doing my still photos and videos for me, but i've stalled because of things being so busy, please contact me as i am planning shoots in november and december.also need "stunt cocks", "stunt doms," and "stunt subs," as always :-)
just got back from a wonderful visit to the space coast. my only regret is that it ended
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10/13/2009 6:45:19 AM |
i am feeling very very blessed right now.i feel blessed that i am learning balance. balance between finances, family and friends. there are, of course, great demands on each of us in so many realms. i am learning the difference between anxiety and serenity is balance.there are still crises on each side of the state. i think a year ago i would have been in panic mode 24/7. but i am learning. the anxiety is better. not perfect, but better. a year ago, i don't think i would have been much good for either situation. but i think i am doing good at both now. not as much as i would like, and sometimes i am just confused as to exactly what i should do and that brings on uncertainty and fear, but i am diligently working on that. i do have my bad moments, but for the most part i think i have come a long way.i am off to tampa to resume my position at the side of my father's cardiac center bed. he has been in the hospital for almost two weeks. we are not sure if he will be able to go back home and he is not very happy about that. meanwhile, things are quiet on the other side of the coast. at least, right this second. that can change at anytime. i will be there this thursday and staying there for a week. i am looking forward to that. last week, i had to run over there again, and after things calmed down and people were coherent again, i spent a good two hours on the beach with the person involved, listening to the high tide roll in, watching the dim stars in the slivered moon, and we were able to communicate and connect even after the chaotic events in the hours before. i think the most important thing you can do sometimes is just listen. suggest a few things here and there, and convey your unconditional love and acceptance, no matter what. earlier this week, i was able to sneak away from family obligations for two days and do enough tantra and dominatrix work to keep me afloat for a while, and still manage to see two dear friends for nice visits, to boot. the successful business in tampa the past few days is a huge strain off me, what a relief. i am so grateful for faithful clients. i didn't even have to see one new client this trip...just "oldies but goodies." i am still not ready to open up a full time dungeon/tantra studio again, this will have to suffice for now. and it IS sufficing. for that, i am also very grateful.i feel very blessed....regardless of what life is throwing at me.p.s. if anyone would like to get together over by the space coast next week, let's do it. monday through thursday evenings between 5 and 730 and mornings are good for me.
i am feeling very very blessed right now.i feel blessed that i am learning balance. ba
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10/7/2009 5:10:25 PM |
another emergent call last night had me suddenly leave the hospital bedside of a loved one in tampa, to rush to the space coast for a family emergency on that side of the state. several years ago i think i would be having a meltdown because of all this, but right now everything is being taken in stride. i attribute that to the very calming effect that meditation, conscious breathing, and working on moving energy through my body through the chakras brings. and that, to me at least, just validates my tantra provider work and makes it even more fulfilling to me. i noticed today while on A1A and patrick drive a lot of marquees on those roads announced condolences to the family of a sergeant who was killed in afghanistan last week who hailed from that area. if you are so inclined, take a moment to send thoughts and prayers to this man's loved ones. by all reports, it appears he was a great soldier and family member who loved his family and was proud to serve his country.
another emergent call last night had me suddenly leave the hospital bedside of a loved one i
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10/4/2009 5:00:35 PM |
critical situations with family on both sides of the state means no journal entries or escapades of note to share. when it rains, it pours......right now it feels like a typhoon.
critical situations with family on both sides of the state means no journal entries or escapad
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9/19/2009 1:57:46 PM |
hear ye hear ye.this saturday and sunday, september 26 and 27, from 8 am to 5 pm, i am having a HUGE garage sale in land o' lakes.size 11 shoes, some ladies size M, some ladies size L, LOTS and LOTS of ladies size XL, 1x, 2x and 3x. wigs, some bras and panties. this is most of my sissy salon inventory from my alter ego, mistress trysta. my tantra mentor is also adding book cases, books, books on CD, a cooler, kitchen miscellaneous, linens, and miscellaneous electronics.if you are interested, PM me for the address.life is good.p.s. yes, i did clean my house last weekend!and NO, THE SYBIAN IS NOT INCLUDED IN THE GARAGE SALE!!! (did i mention i am part owner of a sybian with a bunch of attachments?) i did a live voyeur/group sex show online this weekend and it was a great hit!
hear ye hear ye.this saturday and sunday, september 26 and 27, from 8 am to 5 pm, i am havin
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9/15/2009 5:50:29 AM |
how to clean house (for those who hate to clean house).1. three days beforehand, decide you REALLY need to clean house, and start to prepare yourself for this traumatic experience. go to sleep doing affirmations of how much you look forward to cleaning and how nice it will be once you have cleaned and organized your space.2. two days beforehand, look around and imagine in your mind what you want to do when you clean. go to sleep doing your Cleaning affirmations again.3. one day beforehand, keep visualizing what you want to do, knowing that you will wake up the next morning ready to do your Great Clean. go to sleep imagining yourself doing the very tasks required the next day.4. on the day of the Major Traumatic Event, wake up and take a shower and start the first load of laundry.5. be proud of the fact that you got out of bed.6. check your email.7. pet the cats.8. feed the cats.9. on the way in from doing laundry, pet the landlady's brother's cat for fifteen minutes.10. style your hair before it dries.11. pet the cats again because they smell the landlady's brother's cat on you now.12. check your email again.13. follow links that people sent you.14. go to www.pandora.com, log in, and click on your Nine Inch Nails station to get your heart pumping and the energy flowing.15. read the blogs to which you subscribe.16. read the new email that's come in during this time, and reply accordingly.17. switch from Nine Inch Nails station to Aphex Twin station.18. decide which of the two stations is best to clean to.19. go on all your fetish sites and check your email.20. go back to your regular email and answer those new ones.21. decide to eat a bagel with cream cheese for energy.22. get your clean laundry from the dryer and pet the landlady's brother's cat again.23. pet your cats again.24. realize that you really, really, really got to get your ass in gear to get this cleaning done.25. try another pandora station get you in the mood - rob zombie seems like a good choice.26. try the rammstein station.27. the rammstein station brings back memories of a dom you scened with with rammstein in the background, and email him a hello.28. burn some "Mad Men" and "True Blood" DVDs for a relative.29. drink a ton of diet peach iced tea to give you energy and have to pee every half hour.30. take some quick-acting vitamins.31. five hours after you wake up, look around and will yourself to get up and clean. 32. look longingly at the bottle of white zinfandel on the kitchen counter.33. do a new journal entry on your fetish account about how much you hate cleaning.34. wish you had a dom to whom you are accountable.35. realize you are stronger if you don't have a dom to whom you are accountable, but clean anyway because you know it needs to be done and you know you possess the self-discipline to do it....in a few minutes.....36. check your emails one more time.37. change the pandora station to filter.38. change the pandora station to stabbing westward.39. realize you are running out of things to do to procrastinate.40. search in vain for cats to pet. traitors - they are out hunting lizards.41. flip on the TV to see if anything looks good enough to clean to.42. give up on TV and go back to pandora and try marilyn manson.43. OK OK OK enough is enough!! it's almost noon and you still haven't cleaned, and even CHILDREN are more self-disciplined than this!44. reluctantly step away from the computer and........so, did she clean, or didn't she?
how to clean house (for those who hate to clean house).1. three days beforehand, decide
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9/12/2009 9:43:56 AM |
so i'm throwing a surprise birthday party for my mentor tomorrow night and there is a running joke among us girls about how much she needs a cabana boy to cater to her every whim in her life. so i went on craigslist last week and found a guy willing to do a one-time gig of a cabana boy. a very handsome young male emailed me back with his photo and said he would do it, and the price we agreed on was comfortable for us both.he hasn't confirmed with me today like he said he would, and i am starting to worry that the "Main Event" will not show up to the party!if you can travel north of tampa tomorrow evening, if you are young, slender, handsome, and preferably, LATINO (the more latino looking you are, the better) can provide your own cabana props (portable tropical music, a palm frond to fan her, cute cabana boy shorts, maybe a mesh top, etc., etc., etc.) and want to make some very easy money by staying for a minimum of fifteen minutes and entertaining at least eight hot women, contact me asap.NO NUDITY.this is going to be in a public restaurant in a semi-private room.
so i'm throwing a surprise birthday party for my mentor tomorrow night and there is a runnin
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9/11/2009 7:48:18 AM |
sedona was AWESOME. it was one of the highlights of the trip.phoenix was dry, not a lot of green. some of the green was parched green. instead of lush st. augustine lawn everywhere you look, like what i am used to, there was sand, rocks and dirt for front lawns. grass was scarce. trees do not grow tall. it just looks HOT. but it has a beauty of its own. and of course the mountains all around are awe-inspiring.we headed north and went through big towns and little towns. i just gaped with my mouth open at cattle and horses in the fields, and having my ears pop as the elevation increased. with the increase in elevation came more lush plant life. greener, taller trees, more grass. there were lots of mobile homes and small homes tucked into hills and valleys. finally when we got close to sedona, i saw my first glimpse of red rocks. my mentor kept looking over at me and smiling, because she knew what would be coming up around the bend. i "ooooooooh"ed and "aaaaaaaaah"ed but when we got closer to sedona, i literally could not speak because the beauty was so indescribable. and the ENERGY!!!! ooooh my gawsh!!! the energy was palpable! the closer we got, the stronger it got. i kid you not. i could feel it in my gut. in some places it was so strong i could have sworn there was something in my stomach. at other times, it was there, always present, but not as strong.the town is beautiful. touristy in some areas, but it was kept tasteful. we toured sedona temple and sedona temple school of erotic arts, which were both very nice. the temple itself is constructed, furnished and decorated beautifully, both inside and out. there was even a temple cat that let me pet him and pet him and pet him. was he just being affectionate? or did he sense how much i miss my kitties and yearned for therapeutic fur and was willing to give that gift to me?after a while, i was drawn to be back outside. so we went up to a mountain observation point and watched the sun set over the mountains, and i kept turning around looking at the red rock mountains change colors as the sun sank lower and lower. i took lots of photos and will try to post them when i get them from my mentor.after sunset i watched the town below grow dark and the lights come on and twinkle. we drove back down and spent almost two hours in a crystal shop. there is a lot of spirituality in sedona. christian churches of all denominations, new age spaces, tarot and palm reading, metaphysical spaces, something for everyone. we didn't have much time and both of us wanted to go to the crystal shop. so off we went. as soon as i walked in, i could feel good energy. there were crystals and rocks and native american things all over. but in the back was a separate room. i did not even get across the threshold when i felt a huge force of energy hit me. inside the room were crystals of all sizes and shapes. the most expensive one was $6000. these natural works of art were just magnificent. all kinds of shapes and sizes and projections and colors....it was mind-boggling and i probably stood in that room for at least fifteen minutes just absorbing all that energy. i picked up some souveniers (spent waaaaaayyyyy too much money, of course), and we headed back to phoenix, and were up past 1 a.m. talking. we both woke up by 5:30 and i have been awake since, but i am not tired. i am so energized. it is just amazing. as we drove through the mountains back south to phoenix, i could feel the ebbing of the energy. it was really kewl because my mentor and i would compare notes and we both felt the same ebb and flows. so i know this was not my imagination. the energy was truly tangible. i will never forget that feeling.in a few years when my loved ones move on to live their life, or pass to the next dimension, i will be free to move wherever i want to go in the world. it's a big world out there. lots of choices.i have learned that i probably will not move to phoenix.however, visiting sedona and being recharged as often as possible is a definite must. i am at the phoenix airport having just sent off my mentor to tampa, and waiting for my flight to orlando, having fun people watching and hoping that no one can see my computer screen. i really do not like the fact that collarme has nudity in their advertisements. i don't like the fact that someone could look over and be offended by the webpage i am on. but....as we know, sex sells. i should know...it's my full-time job.life is good!
sedona was AWESOME. it was one of the highlights of the trip.phoenix was dry, not a lot
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9/9/2009 10:58:50 AM |
wow....wow...........WOW.................the Great Rite was................WOW!!!!!!!!just found out that tomorrow my mentor and i are driving to the sedona temple and school of temple arts in...guess where...sedona. i really want to feel the energy vortex and that would be a great way to end this trip and come home all energized and ready to go back to work.there is a post-conference workshop coming up in a few minutes called "how to establish sacred space and bring ceremony into a client practice." i'm REALLY looking forward to this, because i have been told that, as my alter ego Mistress Trysta, BBW Dominatrix, my sessions are very sensual and erotic and downright spiritual, and i definitely prefer to keep my sessions that way. people are checking out of their rooms and getting taxis and shuttles to the airport and packing up their cars for the long ride home and there is an ache in my heart as i see new friends drive away, and it dawned on me that the last time i felt this way was when i was at camp crucible, the bdsm camp that washington, DC's crucible puts on, in 2005. i think that feeling was much more pronounced back then, because my love of bdsm will never diminish. i love what i learned here, but it feels like an adjunct to my life, not the love of my life. tantra and shamanism and sexual energy and all these other side paths are wonderful and thrilling, and i can put them into practice in my work, but they are not my first love. the flogger. the cane. the crop. the paddle. bare hands. needles. a wise dominant man who has his act together and can lead a submissive woman in strength and security where their life path takes them. pain blending with pleasure where the lines melt away. incredible sex while bathed with the energy of an intense scene. subspace - blessed, intimate, sacred subspace...that is my first love.
wow....wow...........WOW.................the Great Rite was................WOW!!!!!!!!just fou
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9/9/2009 6:48:43 AM |
we had an opportunity to take two shamanic journeys yesterday. it was very powerful. i guess the good thing about sleep deprivation is that my guard comes down, my defenses are eased. it was a safe space to explore with like minded people. the first shamanic journey started with this:"dear ones, sacred ones:i request a journey where i become aware of where my life force energy flows and/or it is blocked. i request that those blocked be cleared.blessed be."my animal spirit guide was a golden serpent. there is a lot i could say here...but it is too personal. so i won't. sorry if that disappoints you, but there are things that disturbed me and i am still thinking about them and working them out. i think when i get it all worked out, it won't disturb me anymore.the second shamanic journey i chose this time to go inward. the intent was: "dear ones, sacred ones: I request a journey in which i experience ecstatic shamanic union with source energy."the serpent led me on a tour of my body. my brain, my ears, my eyes, my nostrils, my mouth, all the way down, then back up to my core, to the center of my sex. now i guess it would make for great reading if i told you that the drum beat, steady, rhythmic, never ceasing, and the moans and deep breaths of people near me brought me to instant orgasm that was out of this world. but that's not what happened. what happened was a deep appreciation of the beauty and the mystery and the wonder of the female body, of my female body. some of those parts are not there anymore, but interestingly, they still were in my shamanic journey. their essence was there. and even though my uterus has been removed due to my choice of elective hysterectomy because of so many years of hemorrhaging every period, i thanked my uterus for doing its job all those years. the hormones involved, the changes it caused, even the periods of rest that it caused, housing my children during their stay there...not to bore you, i thanked my uterus, which in the physical world has been removed and macerated and disposed of, but in spirit is still with me.my breathing would change without my knowing it - sometimes shallow, sometimes very deep. sometimes i was silent, sometimes i was groaning. i felt heat through my fingertips (we were in a shamanic trance body position that has you spread your fingertips as wide as you can and place them on both sides of your navel, and imagine you are pulling your navel open as wide as you can) coming from my belly. we were in an air-conditioned room and the rest of my body was very cool. but where my womb used to be...it was radiating heat. veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery weird, eh?????so what's next?well, in less than an hour, i will be participating in my very first Great Rite. this will be a HUGE departure from all those years i spent a sunday morning in a baptist, or pentecostal, or non-denominational christian church!because i am here as the guest of the president of asep and staying in her suite, i get to hear some privy details and from what i can tell, this rite is going to be quite erotic, and charged with vast amounts of sexual energy.yesterday was VERY INTERESTING. fakir musafar did a fascinating presentation of his own experience of pain taking him to transcendental states of consciousness.and right afterward, was the leader of the chuluaqui-quodoushka movement. and his feeling was that pain should not be a part of it at all - just pleasure. i wanted to ask him then if HIS sundances did not include the chest hook pulls. i didn't get to ask him but i am assuming they do not. unfortunately, fakir was not there; whether he would have commented during the Q&A time...i don't know.what i would love would be to put these two gentlemen together and debate their views. i think a lot of food for thought and years of collective wisdom and experience and insight could be gleaned - two extremes - one using pain for spiritual transcendence, and one only using pleasure.there have been some very controversial presenters here. rabbi hershy is another one. a kabbalic shaman who is also an ordained rabbi, who had some really interesting twists on the Old Testament stories that i grew up with in the christian church.life is good.
we had an opportunity to take two shamanic journeys yesterday. it was very powerful.
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9/7/2009 3:56:48 PM |
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ok so it's the dinner break and yet i am in our suite alone typing. i really am shy in big crowds and very much an introvert. so while i love being around these people and absorbing their positive energy and then spreading it back (at least i hope i am), i also need time to be alone to recharge my batteries. the people here are fascinating. all ages. all walks of life. the two major sexes, as well as some minority sexes. all different backgrounds. i know at least five countries represented, and i am sure there are more.a very spiritual and moving opening ceremony was performed that set the tone for the conference and had a bit of audience participation which was a great touch, because in that way, we all contributed just a touch of ourselves to the conference opening and gave me a sense of ownership, belonging.the first presentation talked about gender variance in shamanism, and how our culture in many ways doesn't know how to deal with gender variance (i.e. those persons who fall outside today's typical male and female genders), while in shamanistic cultures, it's no big deal at all. she also talked about the different ages at which a person can be called into shamanism, from young childhood to adulthood.plenty more, but i don't wanna bore you.this morning, i actually GOT UP AND OUT OF BED AND TO A YOGA CLASS that began at EIGHT IN THE MORNING! those of you who know me well know that i am NOT a morning person and it really takes a lot to get me to want to get up in the morning. but the yoga class was great. it was not your typical yoga class. it was tantric, sensual and erotic. my panties were wet afterward.then the first speaker of the day was a very charismatic scottish witch who talked about how she incorporates sacred sexuality and sexual energy into her witchcraft. very kewl! she is leading a Great Rite sunday and i cannot wait to go!the next speaker is an academiac who did a fascinating presentation on all sorts of shamanic themes - it was so interesting but i'm having a hard time putting all he said into words LOL!next was a panel of three people who came from three different backgrounds and talked about their personal experiences of shamanism.and finally, an absolutely astounding presentation from a very controversial rabbinic kabbalist who really resonated within me because so much of my christian teachings that were founded in the old testament are shared with judiasm. but he took some of those teachings and put a different twist on things that really are gonna make me think for months afterward. after his presentation, he led us in a ceremony that is done before engaging in sacred sex. the next event starts in five minutes and somehow my suite suddenly has three more people in it, so i am off. life is good.ok so it's the dinner break and yet i am in our suite alone typing. i really am shy in b
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9/6/2009 7:48:01 AM |
the conference hasn't even started yet and i am already loving every minute of this. the people. the energy. the ideas. the brainpower. the feeling. living in the moment. intuition. all those things that go against logic. i think there is a place for both - feeling and logic. but soon it will be all feeling.this is so different for me. borderline personality disorder is very black and white thinking. right and wrong thinking. being around fluid people helps me stay out of that habit and delve into those grey areas.and the heat! I LOVE DRY HEAT! yes it is still hotter than hell. but i was in 104 heat yesterday and didn't even break a sweat until 4:00 pm!!!!!! it's incredible!and my back is being nice and not giving me much trouble at all.maybe because of the dry heat???life is GOOD!
the conference hasn't even started yet and i am already loving every minute of this. the
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9/4/2009 6:17:25 AM |
i am going to be good and diligently journal every day during this conference because i would like to have some type of written memory of it, since my physical memory is so bad!so here i sit at the airport realizing how out of touch i am. laptops must be taken out of the carry-on bags during the security check. i didn't know that. so i left both of mine in the bag. this of course caused a backup in the security line. glaring looks at me. boy did i feel stupid. yes, there were signs. posted. everywhere. i didn't notice them. i am blonde, what can i say?southwest does not assign seats. you have to check in 24 hours before to get a group number, and you board when your group number is called, and pick whatever seat is available. i forgot to do that and now i have a really sucky number and i'm hoping i won't be sandwiched in a middle seat. claustrophobia sucks in times like this. this is also the first time i've had to park my car in a remote lot. my baby!!! alone in a parking lot!!! for EIGHT DAYS!!! with strange cars and trucks and who knows who could be lurking around there, just waiting to break open her locks and sit in her nice comfortable seat with the adjustable lumbar support!!! and they might steal my twenty four cans of arizona diet peach tea in the trunk! i spent the night with my kitties last night. i felt bad that i left the dog and the bird i was petsitting alone last night, but i had to spend time with my cats before i abandon them for eight days. they have tons of wet food and i know my landlady and her brother will feed them but still.....they're MY BABIES! i miss them already. zoe slept ON me last night and sushi and mama kitty saw the suitcases this morning and looked at me like, "you just got home last night and you're leaving AGAIN, you SLUT!" those two did not make it easy on me to pet them goodbye. i think they were punishing me. i guess zoe is the more forgiving of the three of them.airport people-watching is fun. the best is watching families, friends and loved ones reunite. big bear hugs, kisses, smiles....such good energy. now here's something i learned by watching the lady facing me. if you are very, very, very overweight, and cannot close your legs all the way, it probably is not a good idea to wear a dress that barely covers your upper thighs. upskirt fetishists would be sporting woodies right now.no screaming kids so far....bless the parents who bring Vtechs and puzzlebooks and neat electronic gadgets (what are those things? sooooo out of touch!) to keep their kids busy. one can only hope this good luck lasts.well i just found out my gate number has changed so off i go.my next trip report will probably be an analysis of how short a period of time my deodorant lasted in the "dry heat" of arizona.life is good.
i am going to be good and diligently journal every day during this conference because i woul
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8/31/2009 1:33:28 PM |
i'm packed!ready for three days of housesitting in the north tampa area (lunch anyone?) and then off to mesa, AZ for the asep conference.www.goasep.orgi am so excited. i cannot wait to go to all the presentations and learn and absorb and grow. and hopefully, have my tantra practice grow as well.i am so thrilled i will be meeting fakir musafar. he was practicing S&M before i was even born. and there so many others there with so much knowledge and wisdom and experience.my mentor and i are also planning a day trip to the grand canyon and/or sedona where the huge energy vortex is. i am just hoping my back can handle all this - long plane ride in a different seat, different beds, lots of sitting during presentations...people with regular backs take all that for granted but people with degenerative disk disease will feel a difference if there is any deviance in their normal activities. so this will make it interesting, for sure. sitting is not my friend. i am also wondering how i will handle 102 degree heat, even if it is "dry heat." all i know is humid heat in florida. it will be interesting to see if my body can tolerate that kind of heat.i almost hate to journal about all this, because it seems like every time i journal an upcoming event, it gets jinxed. so i've tended to keep mum about some things.but for better or worse, my bags are packed, my airline confirmation is set, my remote parking confirmation is set, my kitties have enough food for two weeks, and i am ready to roll. as i think about how much money this is costing me, not to mention a bunch of new clothes i bought for the occasion, i would normally be in panic mode. this has cost me just as much as going to bdsm camp would have cost me. and yet for the past three years, i have not made it back to bdsm camp. yet this is all falling together so easily - even with major expenditures out of pocket like a CT scan, a counseling appointment, a trip to the ER (no, not for me, but for a family member) a new radiator for my car, as well as two other mechanics' bills after i got my car back from the auto body work done after the accident, new tires for the car, an emergency trip to the eye doctor and new contact lenses...all within the past few weeks! yet i am able to still go...i feel like there is a reason i am meant to be there. and i cannot wait to figure out what it is!
i'm packed!ready for three days of housesitting in the north tampa area (lunch anyone?) and
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8/30/2009 7:06:30 AM |
it's been a long time since i've written this, and i think it's time i did again because of the emails i've been getting.whether you are contacting me to chat or to have a full fledged relationship, or anything in between, and you have a significant other who would not know about me, meet with me, talk with me, and approve of your involvement with me, DONOTCONTACT MEcan i make it any plainer?i don't buy the "my wife and i have a 'don't ask, don't tell'" rationale either.i'm not judging you if that is your relationship with your significant other. it's just not my preference.if it's not on the 100% up-and-up, with full disclosure and open communication with all parties involved, i don't want any part of it.I WILL NOT BE ANYBODY'S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.oh my....does that sound unsubmissive?tough shit.
it's been a long time since i've written this, and i think it's time i did again becaus
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8/22/2009 2:06:19 PM |
yeah, i'm alive. just having a very difficult time with a beloved family member. thanks for checking in on me, all who did.hugs,sammie
yeah, i'm alive. just having a very difficult time with a beloved family member. t
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8/3/2009 4:23:58 PM |
if you like to scene to dark-sounding rock, i would recommend a perfect circle. i just finished a pro domme session and it went very well with this music. interesting use of effects, some clashing chords, driving beat (flashback: american bandstand - "it's got a good beat and is great to flog to, dick, i liked it!"), ascending edginess...don't know why i hadn't considered them before. speaking of scene, i should be going to the phoenix club tomorrow night with a couple where hopefully my masochistic side will get a good workout. i've been craving it, needing it...MUST HAVE IT...i was jealous of my client tonight as i inflicted each swat of the paddle, each smack of the crop, each swing of the flogger....hope to see old and new friends there tomorrow night.
if you like to scene to dark-sounding rock, i would recommend a perfect circle. i just f
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8/2/2009 4:38:36 PM |
One of the definitions of verklempt in the urban dictionary is: Extremely emotional; on the verge of tears.Today right in the middle of a crowded Panera Bread in the middle of a bustling lunch crowd, I was told that the event I want to attend with my mentor in Mesa, Arizona next month (www.goasep.org), will be a reality for me. I am now registered and have the plane tickets for a four-day Tantra conference that not only has really great TANTRA speakers, but also one of our very own to give a presentation: Fakir Musafar (www.fakir.org).I started to cry.I didn't care who saw me.I'll be in Mesa, Arizona September 8th through the 15th, arriving a few days early and leaving two days after the conference, and using those extra days for tantra sessions in Phoenix and Mesa.Life is good...................
One of the definitions of verklempt in the urban dictionary is: Extremely emotional; on
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7/31/2009 5:12:42 PM |
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check this out! john and starla at made this page for me!www.bdsmgear.com/model.htmllet me know what you think :-)))))and after a really fun photo shoot last night, they sent me home with MORE toys that will make my flesh BLEEEEEEEED! love it love it love it love it love it....(go check out the screamer paddle....that's one of them, and their new spiked tray!!!!)check this out! john and starla at made this page for me!www.bdsmgear.com/model.htmllet
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7/30/2009 5:31:56 AM |
i just had a dear friend tell me that the reason she thinks i am still single and having trouble finding MASTER RIGHT is because i am such a strong person and that intimidates and scares most "doms" away. yeah, well, that may be the case, but i am not a very strong person when i am in the middle of an emotional meltdown or a psychiatric/psychological breakdown...then i am a puddle of goo that cannot function until it passes. but then who the hell wants THAT either???? and i certainly don't blame them for that.she said most doms need someone they see as pliable and able to mold
into what they want, and i may come across as too independent to them. i can see her point. but i think most of my ex-sirs and ex-masters can attest that i am very pliable - sometimes TOO pliable...when i fall in love. if i love a man, there is almost nothing i wouldn't do for him. my wholeness merges into him, and i lose a part of myself when that happens. isn't that the ultimate submission?
i just had a dear friend tell me that the reason she thinks i am still single and having troub
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7/29/2009 3:11:19 PM |
was supposed to go to phoenix club with a couple, but we had to mutually cancel. my reason was i was invited to go to wildwood, florida, for photo shoots all weekend. i did go, and had a really great time, but my degenerative disk disease reared its ugly head and i got a lot less done than i had planned and hoped for, and actually had to leave early to come home and lay down on my own bed before it got so bad, i wouldn't have been able to drive. i know from past experience when i am in such pain, it's no good to try to fake a photo shoot - the pain comes through on my face and southern-charms does not allow photos of where you look like you are in pain (very bdsm-intolerant!!!!) but i did stay a bit and help out by taking photos for the other girls. sometimes it is just as much fun being behind the camera and getting that "perfect shot".last night we took a break and five of us went out karaoking. OMG, my throat hurts today! the combination of lots of cigarette smoke (i've been fighting nausea and headache all day today because of that) and singing at least eight songs have ruined my throat!i sang "the shoop shoop song," "two steps behind," "landslide," "i'm with you," "what about now," "before he cheats" and i did two trio songs with two other southern-charms, "wanted...dead or alive" and i can't remember the second song!now, considering the massive quantities of wine i consumed, it is entirely possible i sang other songs too.it was a lot of fun....and one of the southern-charms brought her video camera and shot footage of each of us. oh gawd.i was so soused, i have not yet looked at the videos, and i am not sure i want to.this footage has the potential of being serious blackmail material.be afraid....be very, very afraid....this week i am home for three days, then going to st pete for pro domme work for two days, then going to land o lakes for pro domme work for one day, then going to a tantra workshop that i am REALLY excited about!!! it's being hosted by my mentor, and the presenter is someone i've been wanting to meet for a long time. her practice is so busy, she has to find people to take care of her overflow, and she is adding me to the roster! i am so excited about that, and honored!the group of people attending are great people and i am looking forward to all the positive energy that will be flowing around that day! also a wonderful networking opportunity. the following week i will be back on the space coast for some much needed family visiting. life is good.
was supposed to go to phoenix club with a couple, but we had to mutually cancel. my re
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7/27/2009 9:22:38 PM |
i was gone all week and now will be gone all weekend. i miss my bed! i miss my cats!my back, shoulders and neck are KILLING me - i would do almost anything for a good deep massage.i'll be coming over to the tampa bay area thursday, friday, saturday and sunday for work. then, back to the space coast the following week. i just want to have a whole week home, with my nice soft bed and my kitties!!!my webcam/phonesex work and voyeur cam work is practically non-existent lately and i miss it.i really wish i could be in two places at once.
i was gone all week and now will be gone all weekend. i miss my bed! i miss my c
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7/20/2009 5:01:25 AM |
i am thinking of going to altpathway tonight for dinner during the ladies' bathing suit night.www.altpathway.comif you see me there, please come say hi. have a great weekend!
i am thinking of going to altpathway tonight for dinner during the ladies' bathing suit nigh
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7/19/2009 4:00:00 AM |
i ate lunch naked in a restaurant yesterday.seriously! i was totally naked eating a delicious huge grilled chicken salad and numerous unsweet iced teas.and nobody in the whole restaurant looked at me like i was crazy and nobody cared.the land o' lakes area is the nationwide mecca for nudist communities. and i am fortunate to live a mere hour away. i think there is a total of eight nudist communities there. there is caliente, paradise lakes, the riverboat club, lake como, and four more obscure ones. the first two are resort-like. the latter two are rustic. i can fit in both worlds. i can easily stay in a five star resort, or i can just as easily stay in a primitive camp site, and be just as happy.my tantra mentor and dear friend is a member of lake como.so after our mind-blowing sybian ride yesterday, we wrapped up our business, cleaned up the enormous wet spots (we both had female-ejaculated all over the sybian, the towels, the rug, the floor) my mentor says, "let's eat lunch naked at lake como!"sounded like a good plan to me.in order to get on the property, you have to be with a card-carrying member. and you have to have a tour your first time. luckily, she is a card-carrying member, and we both had time for me to take my virgin tour.the tour was fun. i saw all the amenities - golf driving range, tennis courts, pool, hot tub, sauna, billiards and dart room, several bars, shuffleboard, volleyball courts, library, wi-fi hotspot, comissary, dance hall, karaoke lounge, lake, beach, rental cabins, horseshoes, and sports i had never heard of before. i'm sure i've forgotten stuff. everyone was nice and friendly and welcoming and TAN. very, very TAN. i felt so pale and pasty white.the community seems to be an older crowd - i looked like i was the youngest but that is fine with me. older people know who they are and i like being around people who are comfortable with themselves.i'm seriously considering becoming a member. i've been having to travel to land o' lakes two days a week anyway, so it would be nice to stay a third day and be out in a rustic, peaceful setting where i can live naked, if only for a day at a time. it's never really been an issue for me to be at a play party and strip down totally naked, or pose naked for photos on my southern-charms site, or do clips naked for my clips4sale site - being naked has always come totally natural for me...i think the human body is a beautiful work of art, and it is a shame we feel we have to cover it up, although i'm sure the clothing industry would disagree. shame is something we have learned from society from our earliest impressions. even when i gained 100 lb, i still have no problem being naked in front of other people. if you like me, you like me. if you don't, nice to have met ya, have a great life.after naked lunch at lake como, i packed up all my dominatrix stuff and all my tantra stuff and clothes and toiletries and drove down to the USF area in tampa and took my sister out for her sixtieth birthday. yup! the big 6-0!i treated her to a pedicure at her favorite place and then we went out dinner where i treated her to a huge porterhouse steak and took the bones home to her VERY appreciative dog. we laughed and laughed and laughed as her dog gnawed on that bone for over four hours and basically made love to it with her teeth and tongue and lips and then finally fell asleep exhausted smashed next to me with what i swear looked like a smile on her face.i finally got home at 4 a.m. this morning and still feel so grateful and so blessed that i was able to take time off to celebrate with my sister. she has lupus and fibromyalgia and COPD and many other systemic problems, and battles depression and other mental illnesses on top of it, yet she is one of the smartest people i know and is an inspiration to me for staying positive. and...we were also celebrating the fact that all her alzheimer's tests came back two days ago, and she does not have alzheimer's as we feared. life is good.
i ate lunch naked in a restaurant yesterday.seriously! i was totally naked eating a de
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7/18/2009 6:49:56 PM |
i've ridden a sybian at a play party in lakeland years ago.i've ridden a sybian at a play party in tampa years ago.i've ridden a sybian at another play party in tampa.and it's never brought me to orgasm. it did make me raw and numb and over-sensitive. no thrusting action made g-spot orgasm impossible.but that has all changed.yesterday on a brand new sybian right out of the box with brand new attachments right out of the shrink wrap, i had a g-spot orgasm less than one minute into the ride, and a HUGE clitoral orgasm a few minutes later.OHHHHMYYYYGAWWWD!they wanted me to stay on and have more orgasms. now, i am all for multiple orgasms. but if i would have stayed on that beast, i would have been useless for the rest of the day! so next time, multiple Os only after my schedule has been cleared for the rest of the day.i love my job(s).video footage soon available....
i've ridden a sybian at a play party in lakeland years ago.i've ridden a sybian at a play pa
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7/15/2009 8:01:52 AM |
it's been quite an interesting few weeks. car issues resulting in transportation issues. family issues. work issues. too many issues. too many issues at one time.but things are finally starting to resolve themselves.i have decided to continue my mistress trysta work. and business once again is going well. i am already comfortable with the level it is at - not too little, not too much....juuuuuuuuuuuust right.i have worked with beloved past clients again already, and have met some new wonderful clients. and as of yet, it has not drained me. in fact, right now, it is enjoyable and fulfilling.but this may all be because i think i am in a manic phase of the bipolar, which makes me able to be around people better, and more active, and more enthusiastic and positive about things. speaking of being around people better, i went to the FLICK munch yesterday and then to the woodshed last night. had a great time at both places, directly related to the people who were there. i sat with john and starla and an old friend, and we just blabbed nonstop, just as we usually do! at the woodshed, i was privileged to play with a submissive and her sir, and while he inflicted delicious intense pain, she provided sensual stimulation and contact. the combination was exquisite. you know it was a good scene when your asscheeks are still tingling the day afterwards. i wanted to take my bike for a ride on the nearby trail today, only to discover that the spring on the gear is broken, and the chain won't stay taut. that was disappointing! i was all "geared" up for that ride...no pun intended.there is a lady in land o lakes who i met several years ago at a ladies' meet and greet, and then when i was living in lutz, she gave me a ride to pick up my car. when i met her, i felt instant affinity with her. and i knew deep down that somehow, someway, some day, she would be a major influence in my life. i didn't know when or how or why or where. well, that has begun to come into fruition. she is now mentoring me in tantric sex. she was ready and able and willing to mentor me before, but i was not at a place where i was ready. but everything has fallen into place now, even with the family issues, and it is such a beautiful thing. i cannot even begin to describe it. it seems like our life path takes us on a road and we don't understand why we are on that road. but then something in our life happens and we get that "AHA!" moment, that we were on that path because it specifically led us to where we are today, and we NEEDED to go on that path to get here and deal with what is happening.that seems to be what is happening right now.being a submissive masochist has taught me firsthand about experiencing ecstasy. when i am on an endorphin high, and you can flog me, crop me, cane me, whatever, and it doesn't hurt and in fact, it ramps up the endorphins even more, and i go off into that dark, safe, comforting, quiet place where light and sound and people no longer exist, that to me is ecstasy.dominatrix work has taught me how to be a catalyst to bring others to that place.webcam and phonesex work has taught me the complexities and intricacies of sex and what infinitely creative people we are when it comes to our libido.and all of this seems to all come together in tantra. sex, intimacy, bliss, altered state of consciousness...it's all there, just like in bdsm, but instead of using pain to reach it, you use another modality.the feedback i've been receiving is tremendous. we have been given reviews in various places and it is so moving to read what the other participants saw, felt, and experienced during our sessions. it brings tears to my eyes. the closest i can come to describing it is a blending of the souls. and don't we do just that in an intense BDSM scene, with someone we can connect deeply, and trust with all our being? same thing with tantra.don't get me wrong. i will NEVER EVER stop being a bdsm-oriented person and only practice the gentle side of ecstacy. i love pain too much. i love the energy exchanged in a session too much.but i am starting to learn that a tantric session is just as powerful, and just as beautiful, and just as estatic, as a good ol fashioned whuppin'.in some ways, life still SUCKS. i still sometimes wonder why am i still allowing myself to exist?but in other ways, life is good. life is very very good.
it's been quite an interesting few weeks. car issues resulting in transportation issues.
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7/1/2009 12:59:34 PM |
today i had the choice of going to church or not. today if i chose to go to church i could go to any church i wanted to, where the pastor could preach freely.today i had the choice of wearing pants or a short dress, or short shorts and a sleeveless top and not a garment that looks like a burial shroud.today i did not have to cover my face when i went out in public, and i was able to do so unescorted by a male family member.today i was able to make financial decisions without having to have a male member of my family facilitate those decisions for me.today i had the ability to go to an adult bookstore and purchase anything in there that i desired as long as i had the funds.today i was able to be in business for myself in the field of work i choose to be in.today i was able to watch BBC News without it being censored by our communications systems.today i was able to use my driver's license and drive over 100 miles without fear of being arrested for being unchaperoned. today i was able to access the internet and view any and every single page i wanted to view without government censorship.today i was not married off to an unknown man against my wishes according to my parents' will.our country is not perfect, not by a long shot. we could all list a very long document of what's wrong with our country.but this weekend, i appreciated independence day.hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.my personal life still is teetering on the edge of psychological meltdown. i am changing my personal cell phone's outgoing message to say, "thank you for calling. i am sorry i could not come to the phone. i am busy having a nervous breakdown. i will return your voicemail as soon as they let me out of the rubber room."
today i had the choice of going to church or not. today if i chose to go to church i cou
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6/29/2009 9:59:06 AM |
hanging on to sanity by a bare thread. life has not thrown me one, or two or three major things right now, but many. just like the vast majority of you who read this. these are tough times for everyone, in so many ways. and one person's tough time will affect another person, who is going through their own tough time, and so on and so on and before you know it, there is a worldwide clusterfuck. and here we are. let's sing the bad economy blues. all together now!in the meantime, before i have my nervous breakdown, added some new photos (unfortunately, that means some had to go). i hope CM approves the spiky breast vice photo. bless john and starla at www.bdsm-gear.com for letting me model it and then take it home! it should show up as the fourth photo if approved.
hanging on to sanity by a bare thread. life has not thrown me one, or two or three maj
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6/20/2009 4:44:28 AM |
i don't often get excited about my photo sets, but today a new one got posted on my southern-charms site and i really like it. it is just me on top of a huge bale of hay in a hay field. all the xxx stuff is in the member's paid section but i even like the free stuff. i was having a great time with my photographer, the weather was perfect - not too hot, not too cold, there was the sound of cattle lowing in the distance, the sky was an absolutely beautiful clear blue, and the sun was setting - my favorite time of day is the golden glow of light from sunset.the photos are at http://www.southern-charms2.com/sammie/fotos131.htmthe light green used in the text is too light, so i have to get that replaced with a darker color text, but you can scroll your mouse over the text and highlight it if you really want to read it. feedback welcome! comments, constructive criticism, suggestions, etc.
i don't often get excited about my photo sets, but today a new one got posted on my southern-c
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6/19/2009 7:18:36 AM |
i have a new weblog to promote my bbw porn smut. feel free to check it out. http://sammie.mysexylog.com/and please feel free to make comments!also joined twitter...it has already driven traffic to my sites quite a bit. the power of internet marketing is amazing!www.twitter.com/sammieSC2
i have a new weblog to promote my bbw porn smut. feel free to check it out. http:/
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6/10/2009 3:51:09 AM |
the car search continues. if you are local and have a spare hyundai elantra or sonata laying around in your garage, i will pay cash.
the car search continues. if you are local and have a spare hyundai elantra or sonata la
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6/8/2009 5:27:08 PM |
i'm gonna be in orlando tomorrow (saturday) shopping for cars, and in tampa sunday looking at more cars (of course, i am only looking at elantras and sonatas). i could really use some testosterone-rich person who knows about cars to accompany me and give advice as to the right choice, as i am clueless. there's about five in tampa and five in orlando, so there will be a lot of running around. i can drive us - let's use my gas. (if you dare to drive with me, that is.)i'll be on the road both days by about noon.
i'm gonna be in orlando tomorrow (saturday) shopping for cars, and in tampa sunday looking a
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6/4/2009 12:12:44 PM |
i was beaten this weekend, and not the good kind of beating.i was hit with bad news saturday over on the space coast regarding a family matter that is too personal to share. and i wondered if things could get worse. then i was hit with the bomb of bad news on sunday - that the three dearest people in my life, the three reasons in this world why i have not yet committed suicide after many times of wanting to, may be moving 800 miles away from me this summer. i spent the rest of sunday morning grieving over that while trying not to cry in front of everyone, wondering if things could get worse.and then on the way home sunday evening, i was hit by a car in orlando, and the front driver's side of my car is crumpled like a piece of paper. and as i deal with a persistent headache that won't go away since the impact, i wondered if things could get worse.and i don't know if their insurance will cover my repairs, as their insurance company has not returned calls.and i wondered if things could get worse. and the answer is, yes. when someone you never ever dreamed was capable of letting you down, lets you down big time, i wonder if things could get worse.and dread the answer to that.because the answer is always yes, things can....and maybe just will....ALWAYS get worse.
i was beaten this weekend, and not the good kind of beating.i was hit with bad news saturday o
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5/31/2009 6:20:51 PM |
my sister and one of my brothers and i were instant messaging each other and they asked me how many times in my life have i moved.so i wrote down the street of every place i have lived. and they reminded me of a few i had forgotten.it totaled 23 homes.wow.that averages me moving once about every two years over the duration of my entire life.wow.that certainly can't be too good on the stability scale. maybe that contributes to the crazy factor?
my sister and one of my brothers and i were instant messaging each other and they asked me how
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5/31/2009 2:05:27 PM |
i am off to the space coast tomorrow for two family members' birthdays and return home late sunday night. i will be free saturday if any space coasters would like to get together. sitting by the ocean under an umbrella and watching the surfers sounds good. anybody wanna join me?also need to go to the melbourne mall or the merritt island mall and spend a gift certificate. any shopaholics?
i am off to the space coast tomorrow for two family members' birthdays and return home late
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5/24/2009 3:26:05 AM |
i hate rock ballads. i mean, come on! what an oxymoron! rock...ballad...oxymoron!but i must confess that sometimes a group can do the rock ballad so well that it gives me goosebumps.one of the best rock ballads in my opinion is by u2: one. i love u2. always have, always will. every album never fails to give me at least two songs with the goosebump factor.here's a few of my favorites. these songs hook me instantly and i am captivated by five seconds into the song. (go to youtube and pull up the official videos to listen along.)1. one. the chill factor for me begins at 3:20 - "we got to...carry each other, carry each other....one! one!" edge's guitar gets louder, more insistent, bono does his ad lib that leads to a haunting falsetto...ooooohhh major goosebumps by the time this song is over!2. with or without you. the chill factor for me begins at 3:05, with the drums crescendoing louder and louder, but at 3:48 when bono does the high pitched, "hooooooo-hoooooooo-hooooooo", and edge of course starts yet another famous guitar riff that is just absolutely perfect. the accompanying 3. still haven't found what i'm looking for. if i have a memorial service after my death, i want this song played. seriously. this song describes my constant spiritual faith-in-crisis. the chill factor for me begins at the solo at 2:28, and then...at 2:48 - "I believe in the Kingdom ComeWhen all the colors will bleed into oneBleed into oneWell, yes I'm still runningYou broke the bondsAnd you loosened the chainsCarried the crossOf all my shameall my shameYou know I believe itBut I still haven't found what I'm looking for"amen!!! preach it, bono!when the very powerful New Voices of Faith gospel church choir sang this song with U2, and they sing that verse in staccato fashion, it literally brought me to tears. watch the video of this...it is so powerful and the interaction between bono facing the choir and singing to them, and the choir singing back, is magical - it ramps up his performance to higher levels. when the band walks away from their instruments and microphones and just lets the choir take over....WOW!!! they BELT IT OUT!! leaves me breathless.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OCxE22DOaceven the rehearsal video = chills. look at the passion in these people's faces!!! and watch U2 step back, listen, and think, "whooooooaaa!"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X7QGCmIZl0&NR=1there are more outtakes of the rehearsal on youtube...and watching the band's face in awe as the choir continues the song on their own is just priceless, with the band singing along quietly as the choir takes over. you watch this and you. feel. like. you. have. been. to....CHURCH!!! i think the only thing i have ever seen that comes close to this is when foreigner had a gospel choir join them for "i want to know what love is." 4. where the streets have no name. the chill factor for me begins at (studio version) 4:58. edge's guitar work with the accompanying keyboards is just so haunting for me. at 5:24, i wish it was not going to end, because it is just so beautiful for me. but it ends...and leaves me wanting more. ahhhh...the best bands always leave you wanting more!and last, but not least, my favorite song of the moment.5. magnificent. the first ten seconds into this song and i was blown away. i think this is their best song yet. supposedly it was written in morocco, and was filmed at the fes hotel there, and the song has a very moroccon flare that i just love. and the lyrics are blatantly affirming the magnificence of their God. it has replaced my previous favorite U2 song (SHFWILF). the chill factor for me begins at 0:05...seriously! but double chills begin at ("the making of..." version, cuz there is a longer intro) 3:40, when bono sings, "MAGNIFICENT!" and edge punches that guitar riff, and then goes into the softer riff. i am mesmerized. and i LOVE the bass being so pronounced in this song! it is in my brain, i cannot get it out of my head...but that's ok...i like that :-)my estimation of whether a band is good is when i do not want their songs to end! why can't they be 30 minutes long?? maybe then, finally, i would feel satisfied at the finish!some of you are gonna blow this journal entry off because music or u2 isn't your thing, but some of you are gonna go listen. let me know your thoughts and if you have the chill factor and where it comes into play for you.
i hate rock ballads. i mean, come on! what an oxymoron! rock...ballad...oxym
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5/22/2009 11:49:27 AM |
so many people got a chuckle out of my last journal entry describing a day in the life of a phonesex/webcam slut, here's another installment."hello, mistress. i want to serve you today.""very well, dear. what is your name?""ray.""hello, ray. so what experience do you have serving a mistress?""well, i've served a few phone mistresses before.""very good, ray. any experience in real life yet?""oh no, never in real life.""do you think that some day you can envision yourself taking this to real life?""well...maybe. i don't know yet.""that's perfectly fine, ray. take your time and when and if the time is right, you will know.""yes, ma'am.""so what type of domination do you like? do you like the caring, gentle, nurturing type of domme? or perhaps a strict, controlling, harsh, punishing dominatrix?""mmm i like the strict punishing type. i love being humiliated!""oh very good! we shall have fun, ray.""yes, ma'am.""so, ray, tell me, my dear, what are your hard limits?""i have no hard limits.""not one?""no, ma'am.""ray, do not be an imbecile. everybody has hard limits. wisen up and tell me WHAT ARE YOUR HARD LIMITS! USE YOUR BRAIN, RAY!""ummm...this is the part where you start humiliating me, right, ma'am?""give the boy a hand!!! he's figured it out! fucking pathetic moron! now let's see if the loser can figure out what his hard limits are!""well, like i said, i don't have any hard limits.""ok, ray, take your dick in your hand.""mmmm ok!""now, pull it out away from your body as hard as you can!""oooooohhhh yesssssss mistress!!!!""how does that feel, ray?""oooooohhh i LOVE it, mistress!!!""oh very good, ray. and you will love this too, ray.""yes, mistress...what? tell me!!!""pull harder!""aaarrrrrrggghhhhh!!!! oh yes mistress!!! now what???""HARDER!!!!""oooohhh gawd, YES MISTRESS!""now, get a knife, cut it off, and stuff it down your throat and choke on it."dead silence."ray?"more dead silence."ooooooh raaaaaaaaay!?""yes ma'am?""would you say we just found your first hard limit?"
so many people got a chuckle out of my last journal entry describing a day in the life of a ph
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5/21/2009 1:43:49 PM |
the days i visit my family always fly by in a whirlwind. this trip was no different. and this trip was special in that i was privileged to see a major milestone occur and that proved to be very emotional for me. after almost a week of very important one-on-one quality time, i left saturday night later than planned due to a last minute late night after-event dinner, but finally got on the road around 11 p.m. instead of crossing over the intracoastal waterway and taking I-95 north to the beachline, i went south instead. why in the world would i do that? well, a number of years back, when i was spending most of my time by the space coast, i met a sweet, sexy, "innocent," sexy, younger, sexy man for a lunch date. we hit it off and i was looking forward to the sex afterward, heh heh (did i mention he was sexy? no? well...let me tell you...HE IS SEXY!!). this was back when i was still seeing vanillas in the swinging lifestyle. over lunch, i looked across the table at my new acquaintance and asked, as i usually ask before or during the first date (why delay the inevitable???), "so....what do you think about bdsm?"that question opened pandora's box.(by the way, the sex was GREAT, even though that first time, it was vanilla....)throughout the years, we have stayed in touch as i have the distinct privilege of turning this nilla into a lover of bdsm. i cannot take credit for his education in the bdsm arts. he did that all on his own. yes, g, it is your DESTINY! and i have on very rare occasion, as our travel plans coincided, experienced firsthand what that question has unleashed in this young man's life as he continues to learn...he has had the opportunity to live in new york, and atlanta, and i daresay he has been able to go to lifestyle places i have only wished i could visit. and now he lives in the very kinky fort lauderdale area. yes, fort lauderdale. not atlanta, not new york.fort lauderdale area. just 2.5 hours away from my family. 3.5 hours from my new home. an easy drive down I-95. an easy return trip up the turnpike.and he offered to pay my gas!!it was too good to pass up. how COULD i pass this up!?so i took a detour saturday night and went south to visit him in his new digs.we played three times - the first was very late saturday night/sunday morning, even though i had been up since 8 a.m. and had the emotional rite of passage to attend, and then drove 2.5 hours. by the time we went to bed at 4:00 a.m., i was comatose. sunday morning we woke up and went out for breakfast (well, ok, it was LUNCH by then if you wanna get technical), and then back to his place to play the second time. both times were great...he is gaining wisdom, knowledge, experience, and is very easy-going, intelligent and fun to be with. and i also saw how good a top he has become by watching, observing, learning, and working around his bottom's physical and mental limits.he only lives minutes from the ocean so after we finished playing the second time, we took a little walk on the beach and sat and talked on beach loungers, and had a nice dinner, did a little shopping and then went back to his place.they say the third time is the charm. and in this case, it was true.i don't know what it was. maybe because the beach put me at such ease? maybe it was the four glasses of wine i had over the day? maybe it was the fact that i was no longer in family mode, but in sammie mode? maybe it was because the planets were in alignment in some other universe to which i am attuned???i don't know, but whatever it was, it all converged and i went into subspace and it was heaven. and i have a video that shows i was in subspace for well over twenty minutes (that will be edited and posted in my clips4sale store this week!!!) i was wincing and fidgeting and hiding body parts during the playback of the video as i watched myself take crop, paddle, flogger, hand, without even flinching. and then....he did a very, very intense session of forced orgasms. my jaw and my internal organs and muscles are still cramping from that!there was waxplay, bondage, suction play (omg, my nether-regions were suctioned to grossly immense proportions! the human body was not meant to be suctioned to such lengths!! and that is on film too!), flogging, more bondage, caning, the unholy use of vegetables that would cause farmer john to stop farming, cropping, nipple play (well, not much, i wimped out on that, as usual....damn too-sensitive irish nipples!) still MORE bondage, and a very very evil round piece of hollow chrome-like metal that was inserted while my labia lips were held open by clothespins....that part did a very intense mindfuck on me and i couldn't take that for too long. i actually coded out on that one. i am still trying to process why that bothered me so much! each session was really intense and quite eye-opening for me. eye-opening because i was able to see how experienced he has become, and how careful and safe he is, but also eye-opening because i learned that this jaded, experienced, playslut still has things she has not experienced before, still has limits that exist to be pushed, and many things she still needs to work on, and a few things she needs to figure out why they bother her so much. it was all quite a learning experience! and the video shows my pussy....my pussy definitely didn't care if it was a learning experience or not...it was too busy leaking like a faucet, dripping pussy juice puddles all over the futon cover. the thing is, this guy is so sweet and interesting and so likeable, that i would have been glad to have driven all that way and taken the time off work just to visit him in a non-sexual, vanilla manner. and trust me, there are not too many people towards whom i feel that way! but the fact that he is a kinky perv just made it all the more sweeter :-)))after a long nap in one of the turnpike's rest-stops, i finally arrived back home this afternoon and spent an hour with my kitties sitting on my lap welcoming me home. they sat in line and waited their turn, and they had a talk with me and told me that they really don't like it when i am gone that long. they told me (and my landlady's brother confirmed) that they got so upset, they didn't even eat their wet food. i have promised to make it up to them this week with lots of lap time and lots of wet food! a few rough licks of their tongue on my hand and i know i am forgiven.this is florida, and i have to go to wally-world and buy an arsenal of ant killer, roach killer, spider killer, and flea killer. my "rustic" home is being attacked on all fronts by the florida "wildlife." i really don't have the money to spend on this stuff. but you know what? this has been such a wonderful two weeks away from home, but i am so grateful to have a home to come home to, that i don't care. it's a small price to pay.life is good.
the days i visit my family always fly by in a whirlwind. this trip was no different.&#
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5/12/2009 8:25:41 AM |
there are a few different venues of adult entertainment in which i work. professional dominatrix, southern-charms amateur photos, clips4sale amateur videos, live group shows and live private shows on rude.com, archived shows for purchase on rude.com, voyeur house cams on rude.com...but right now, i am focusing on my webcam/phonesex job as (insert shameless plug) sensualsammie on niteflirt.com i love this job. my commute is as far as my laptop.my brain is constantly being challenged to get inside my caller's head and figure out what they wanti am constantly amazed at the diversity and ingeniousness of the human mind with regard to our sexualityi am getting an education in human sexuality and all its deviancy and getting paid for iti get paid to get offi get paid to get you offi get paid to listen, give advice, encourage and empathizei can work anywhere as long as i have a computer, webcam, internet connection and a phonei can read, watch tv, play with my cats, cook, clean house, do light gardening, crochet, play word games, surf the net, write, and so much more in between callsi get to talk to interesting, intelligent, educated peoplei log in whenever i want, and log off whenever i wantmy work attire is lingerie and my birthday suiti save money on gas, wear and tear on my car, and wardrobe costs by working at homei save money by eating at homethere is constant affirmation as callers tell me how much they love rubenesque womeni get instant gratification as the dollars are automatically deposited into my account and i can watch it grow with each calli get instant feedback as the caller can leave ratings on our callyou get the picture.for the vast majority of callers, i am able to get into their heads, and give them exactly what they want, my mostly positive feedback shows that. other times, the person doesn't make it easy for me. in those cases, it can go either way - some times i can finally get an idea of what they want, although it may take awhile, and then i can run with it, and still knock his socks off, even though we had a slow start.and on very few occasions, i just can't get it...i get rare negative feedback, but on the few times i have, i feel very bad that i couldn't give the caller what they want.i had one call recently that was probably the most difficult one i have ever done.he called and was on webcam so i could see him too. i love those! i love seeing the reaction that our call brings to his anatomy ;-) he was wearing nothing, which can throw me off, because clothing is one clue as to what the caller wants. he called on my fem domme line, so i have to be careful as to not scare off the newbies, to be interesting enough to keep the intermediates happy, and devious and strict and sadistic enough to keep the diehard hardcores happy.so i asked him, "how much experience do you have being dominated by a female, my dear?""oh, this is brand new to me, you're my first call.""ahhh, i see. you have no experience on the phone, on cam, on instant messenger, or in real life?""yes, that's right."mmmm a virgin, i think. ok. we will need to do this slowly and carefully."so have you seen anything on the internet or in a book or in a movie that really sparked your interest?""no," he replied, "i just want to be told to do naughty things by a woman.""you haven't gone to any websites or watched any porn or seen anything on TV that made you think about this?""umm...no...not really.""so what made you get interested in this enough to call me and want to be told to do naughty things?"umm, i dunno...just want to try something new i guess."mmmm, ok...not much to go on here...so let's start down the list. maybe he wants to get slutty."do you live with a female?""yes, my girlfriend.""go get a pair of her panties, especially a dirty pair, if you can find some.""ooooh, i can't do that!!""why not?""she would know! i couldn't explain that."hmmm....well, ok, that blows that whole line of kink out...forget the forced sissification or smelling his girlfriend's worn panties...."so what do you have nearby? any rubberbands? a ruler? a spatula? do you have any toys you play with like clothespins, a dildo, a carrot?""oh no, never done anything to myself...what is the ruler used for, and the rubberbands?""well, my dear, i want to command you to do CBT on yourself.""what is CBT?""cock and ball torture""WHAT? i don't wanna hurt myself!!!""you don't have to make it hurt if you can't take it. just enough pressure to give you a very pleasurable sensation.""well i don't want to do that...that doesn't sound like fun to me." "ok, why don't you stand up and show me that manly ass of yours?""why?""because i happen to like the look of a man's ass.""i don't feel comfortable doing that..."hmmmmm this is getting difficult."well, ok then...what DO you want to do?""I will do anything you ask of me, mistress."hmmm, i think to myself. so far he has refused to do everything i have asked of him yet he says he will do anything i ask of him. ooooooooooooo kaaaaaaaaaaaaay...."how about we play a little game? you tell me your deepest darkest fantasy, and i will show you my luscious 40DD breasts?"yeah...that way, i can work on his fantasy..."i don't have any fantasies.""you never fantasize about anything?""no.""what do you think about when you are jerking off or fucking your girlfriend?""nothing. i just like how it feels and i think about that. i just want you to tell me to do something naughty."struck out on that one. damn."well, honey, one person's definition of naughty is another person's definition of normal. what do you consider naughty?""i dunno....something.....NAUGHTY!!""like what?""i don't know.... never thought about it before."arrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhh."i think you should take your fingertip and run it up and down your cock back and forth, but not touch yourself with anything more than one finger....imagine how badly you want to touch yourself...how badly you want to stroke yourself....but i will not let you do it until i am ready....just use that fingertip and GENTLY touch yourself from top to bottom...""ok....""how does that feel?""fine.""just fine?""yes.""ok....can you imagine wanting more? begging for more? craving, desiring, wishing, wanting, willing to do ANYTHING for more? being made to beg for more?""ummmmm...no.....i just want you to make me do something naughty."fuck...this is not working..."ok...you want naughty? then i will give you sixty seconds to jerk yourself off, and you MUST DRINK EVERY DROP of that cum and not spill one iota, do you understand?""no, i cannot do that!""why not??""i don't want to drink anything that's been inside me.""do you have any ice cubes nearby?""yeah, i have some in my pepsi.""great!!! take one out, and very gently rub it across the insides of your thighs....rub it closer and closer to your balls....rub it along the base of your cock...""it's too cold... i don't like this.""don't you want to please me?""yes, i will do anything you say, but this is too cold.""very well, remove the ice."big sigh. running out of ideas."honey, i am very sorry, but i don't think this is working.""you don't want to command me?""honey, i have given you commands and you have refused to do every single one of them!""but i want you to command me!"i look at my watch...."i HAVE been commanding you for the past five minutes! and all you have done is run your finger up and down your cock, and it didn't do anything for you.""please, mistress, i am begging you, command me to do something!""very well....i command you to take your forefinger, and your thumb, place it over your nipple, and roll your thumb and forefinger back and forth against one another....feel that on your nipple and tell me how it feels.""my nipples aren't very sensitive - that's not going to do anything for me.""have you ever used anything up your ass? a dildo? a vibrator? a cucumber? a carrot? a brush handle?""NO! I AM NOT GAY! I WILL NEVER PUT ANYTHING UP MY ASS!""i understand how you feel. but just because a man likes to have his ass stimulated, doesn't mean he is gay. in fact, there is a little almond shaped gland near your rectum, called the prostate gland...and if we stimulate that, it feels great! and you can have an orgasm that feels like one you have never had before.""NO. i will not put anything up my ass."perhaps not, but that doesn't mean you aren't anal retentive, i muse silently..."honey, this is not working for me...i am sorry, but i think we need to say goodbye.""NO PLEASE! command me to do something!!!!"just like with a child...count to ten....slowly....breathe....slowly....do not lose control...do not lose your temper..."mistress, are you there?""yes i am here.""command me to do something really naughty.""what do you consider naughty??""i don't know.""what do you want to do to please me?""i'll do whatever you tell me to do.""like what?""i don't know...something naughty!""squeeze your balls for me.""i don't want any pain.""i know that. just squeeze them enough to apply light pressure, and feel the sensation. then run your fingernails gently over them...scrape them softly for me.""i really don't enjoy playing with my balls.""what do you enjoy doing?""having sex.""ok, i command you to imagine having hot, nasty, wet sex with someone who really turns you on....who would it be?""umm....""yes?""i dunno...i can't think of anyone...""you can't think of anyone you would like to have sex with?""ummmm....hmmmm....""honey, i am sorry, but this is just not working for me.""NO, PLEASE! make me do something naughty! i will do ANYTHING you say! i PROMISE!""lay on your back, put your knees over your shoulders, jerk yourself off, and come on yourself.""NO, i don't want anything inside me to be on me.""ok...i think we are done here. i think you need to call another dominatrix on here, and find someone who can give you what you are looking for.""NO PLEASE! PLEASE! command me to do something naughty! i will do ANYTHING!""do you have a necktie?""yes!""get it.""ok...."fifteen seconds later..."i have it, mistress.""very good! now take the necktie and tie it around your balls, pull a knot and then tie it around the base of your cock.""why?""because i said so.""it's not gonna feel good - that's just too weird."breathe in....breathe out....keep breathing...count to ten...."honey, why don't you hang up, and try mistress _____ on here? she's very good, been around a long time. i think you will like her a lot.""no, mistress, please, please, please don't hang up on me. i want to be naughty for you!!! i want to please you! i will do anything for you!""be very naughty for me, my darling, and call mistress _____ and have a wonderful time together. ""but....""goodbye, darling.""NO!!! PLEASE!""thank you for your call, but it's time that we realize that i am not the domme for you.""NO PLEASE DON'T HANG UP!""are you hard?""no.""make yourself hard...stroke your cock, long slow full strokes...work it just how you like it to be worked...let it feel wonderful, let it feel sensual...let it feel harder than it's ever been before...and then we are going to play a delightful little game of tease and denial.""it doesn't seem to want to get hard.""i see. well, i think that just emphasizes that i've taken you as far as i can take you, sweetie. call mistress _______ and have a wonderful day, my dear.""NOOOOOO....PLEASE DON'T HANG UP"a short burst of music comes on...."this call lasted fifteen minutes... XXX dollars and XXX cents has been deposited into your account...thank you for using niteflirt...."i cannot say i derived any joy from taking that man's money. this was not the usual call where the man hangs up fulfilled, spent, happy, on an endorphin high. i did not hang up feeling fulfilled that i did a good job and rocked someone's world.i hope he did better with mistress _____. if not, i hope he did not tell her i referred him to her!!!!!
there are a few different venues of adult entertainment in which i work. professional
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5/11/2009 4:12:08 AM |
well holy crap. i just found out that my mail settings are such that i have thirteen pages of mail sitting in my bulk folder. i am so sorry if someone emailed me and i never got back to you. this is why. i never noticed, because my inbox is always showing quite a few new emails every time i log in, so i never even thought there could possibly be more in another folder. there are six months' worth to go through, so i will be busy for a bit. i apologize to those who wrote longer than six months ago...the collarme system has deleted those :-(
well holy crap. i just found out that my mail settings are such that i have thirteen pag
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5/8/2009 4:24:17 PM |
i am so horny tonight. i would love to make a booty call...but i dunno who to call!!!!or have someone come into the house unannounced through the glass doors....find me....take me....roughly....
i am so horny tonight. i would love to make a booty call...but i dunno who to call!!!!or
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5/8/2009 6:26:23 AM |
hope all you mamas had a wonderful mother's day. mine was absolutely wonderful.i was taken to olive garden (one of my favorite restaurants), and then we went to a nature preserve. it was 94 degrees and mostly sunny, but thank goodness a lot of our hike was spent under clouds or shade. this was a very, very primitive location. the welcome center's restroom facility consisted of one outdoor port-a-potty. at least it had toilet paper, LOL! but the scenery was beautiful. lots of wildlife - birds, many alligators in the canals and river, and we enjoyed watching people fishing, kayaking, and airboating down the st. johns. a big lake with lots of shade was perfect to take a break. there were no grills or pavilions - it was really out there! florida nature at its finest. i love the contrast between open land, marshes, and water and this place had it all. surprisingly, a field had very bright green grass...i am going to assume it was because the surface was marshy. next month, when the heat is 94 degrees and the humidity is even higher, there is no way i could have made it out there for even three minutes. i'm very grateful the humidity was low enough for us to enjoy it.between partying all day and all night saturday and then playing davy crockett the next day, i slept a good twelve hours solid sunday night. i went to give plasma monday, and my blood pressure was almost low enough to have them reject me. it was 92/64. and my hematocrit was also at rejection rate - 38.0%. no wonder i was feeling so exhausted. the anti-depression medications actually raised my blood pressure when i took it, which was good because my BP usually runs low. but yesterday....that was REALLY low for me. i am now happily housesitting/petsitting in land o' lakes for a week. any tampa bayers wanna meet for lunch or dinner?next week i am off to the space coast to visit with family. any space coasters wanna get together?later today, i have a play date :-) oh boy! my ass still hurts though, so i am kinda worried i will wimp out. again. but i want more pain...and more good hard sex. and i think i'm a-gonna get it!life is good.
hope all you mamas had a wonderful mother's day. mine was absolutely wonderful.i was tak
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5/6/2009 5:15:13 AM |
gas in car - $20cost for demos at the woodshed - $15two iced teas - $2dinner at the flick munch - free (thanks, s, for picking up my tab...totally unexpected but much appreciated)parking at the honeypot - $5two amaretto sours at fetish circuit - $10cover to get in fetish circuit - $10lost wages from blowing off work - $awwwww fuck it, not gonna think about thathaving my ass completely pink, red, black purple and blue today - priceless.nice work, f. you need to see your results the next day. looks even better today.the demos at the woodshed were fantastic - i loved each one that i could attend. i loved witnessing the camaraderie there. the FLICK munch was very nice - several people were very friendly and really made me feel welcome. fetish circuit - well....fetish circuit KICKED ASS.i am one tired mama, happily off to spend this beautiful day with family.happy mother's day, all you moms. mine is off to a fantastic start, complete with still-burning ass cheeks that even the smallest amount of pressure makes HURT!
gas in car - $20cost for demos at the woodshed - $15two iced teas - $2dinner at the flick munc
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5/4/2009 3:12:35 PM |
starla called a few days ago and said she and her master would like me to cover to model some of their new bdsm jewelry and collars and a head restraint for their website, www.bdsm-gear.com. oh, wow, i thought to myself. do i HAVE to???? really? do i HAVE TO???i mean, it's horrible! HORRIBLE!!!! every time i go over there they give me items to take home - for free!....they take me out to dinner to really nice restaurants....they make me laugh....they show me that, yes, it IS possible to meet the love of your life and live a 24/7 master/slave life....they show me their beautiful gardens and koi pond and absolutely to-die-for coral tank...they listen to what's going on in my life and offer me wise, pertinent advice....they support whatever decisions i make and cheer me on....they make me laugh some more.....and we talk, and talk, and talk, and talk.we talked for three hours in the restaurant. we talked for two hours in their home.the actual photography part only takes a half hour, tops. the rest is spent talking, and talking, and talking.and i love it.these are two of the most real people i have ever met. i am honored to know them.she wrote an entry in her journal today and i read it and it made me cry. she said that john never hugs anybody except her and their kids .................and sammie. the tears started running down my cheeks and they still are. it is so humbling to know that.life is good.tomorrow i am TAKING A DAY OFF WORK! yes! no photo shoots. no phone sex. no webcam. no pro domme work. instead, i am going to the woodshed during the day for their demo classes, then to the FLICK munch for dinner, and then to fetish circuit's party at the honey pot in ybor city. as a submissive, as a bottom, and hopefully, if i'm lucky, as a masochist. life is good.so what are YOU doing this weekend? i wanna know! especially all the juicy details afterwards, heh heh.
starla called a few days ago and said she and her master would like me to cover to model some
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5/2/2009 8:00:33 PM |
i'm still a woodshed virgin. but tonight, i was treated to foreplay.i had a business appointment seven miles away from the woodshed and i thought this was waaaay too good an opportunity to pass up. so i swung by and got to see the shed for the first time (luckily they are now open on wednesday nights!)a lot of heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears and love went into creating that place. Master Cecil and his team have done a great job. i had the pleasure of meeting a few of his elves tonight as we sat outside under the stars. the conversation was spirited, lively, thoughtful, intelligent. i hated to leave but i was very tired.i didn't play tonight, but i was inaugurated into the century plus ten club. that was a rush...heart was going ba-BOOM, ba-BOOM, ba-BOOM for a bit afterward. and it was soooo great to see Master Cecil after several years, and witness how his beautiful slave has blossomed since the first time I met her.i'm looking forward to my next visit, where hopefully my shed virginity will be taken!
i'm still a woodshed virgin. but tonight, i was treated to foreplay.i had a business app
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5/1/2009 8:43:48 AM |
there are three people in my life who i would call "Master" in a heartbeat...three people who i have loved deeply and with whom i would even consider the abominable "M" word for (marriage), three people who i would do anything for...ANYTHING. we are talking slavehood with no limits type of feelings. three people who i respect and admire. three people who have every facet of their lives in order, which is my number one prerequisite to call anyone "Master." (how can you master someone else when your own life isn't mastered?) and three people who, if i could, i would drop anything and everything for a chance to play with them. or so i thought.i had that chance last night, and i didn't go.the "whys" are too personal to share here but there's a lot of baggage behind them. and i hate having baggage. regret is a tough emotion to live with.
there are three people in my life who i would call "Master" in a heartbeat...three p
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4/29/2009 3:53:25 PM |
so did anyone go to sir steffan's grand opening at his new venue? so far, i have heard one glowing report, with not one negative thing said! yay!!! it sounds like there was plenty of dungeon space to crack a whip, and that the food was great! so happy to hear good things like that!anyone else care to share? i don't know what it is, but i have had a booming weekend with work! new england people have been calling like crazy!!! seriously - it's really been great. gotta be something in their water supply?!?! connecticut, maine, new hampshire, delaware, virginia, pennsylvania, new jersey, maryland! yeah, there have been some california, illinois, nevada, georgia and south carolina, but the new england area kicked ass this weekend! keep on dumping whatever that is into the water, ok? i have three birthdays and one graduation and one prom coming up to pay for!
so did anyone go to sir steffan's grand opening at his new venue? so far, i have heard o
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4/27/2009 3:13:32 AM |
tomorrow night is sir steffan's grand opening of his new venture, a huge restaurant/party place with many theme nights: TG/TV/TS/CD events, swingers events, fetish events...if you have nothing to do tomorrow night (yeah, like that's ever gonna happen in florida!), please go check it out and give him your support. www.altpathway.com in between work calls, sometimes i have time to sit and ruminate about things. sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. but i was thinking about my job yesterday. since i have moved and don't have a dungeon room set up anymore, the dominatrix work is pretty quiet now. so i have been doing webcam and phonesex full time. i think one reason why i like phonesex and webcam so much is because it is so instant-results oriented.some of my downfalls are: lack of patience and inability to see be self-disciplined to work towards the big picture. phonesex and webcam are perfect for that. the customer calls. you rock his world. he thanks you and gives you immediate validation by the great things he says. he hangs up. the money is deposited immediately into your character's account and you can see how much you made. after hanging up, he leaves positive feedback on your listing that shows up as soon as you refresh your screen.wham! bam! bang! zingo! zowsza! it's done! it's in there!talk about instant gratification!you have the satisfaction of immediate positive feedback, and watching your account immediately grow with each call.perfect for long-term goal challenged people like me!another good thing about webcam and phonesex is that there is that physical barrier between you and the caller. as a result, it is not as draining for me. with the pro domme work, you are interacting in each other's personal space. you are touching, feeling, exerting, initiating, catalyzing. you are exchanging real energy. and since domination is really not my personality's demeanor, and i am much more happier being submissive in real life, it is even more draining. but i do miss it. it is a real rush to have a session with a submissive who needs, wants, craves discipline. after all, in a way, aren't i in fact SERVING him by taking care of his needs?
tomorrow night is sir steffan's grand opening of his new venture, a huge restaurant/party plac
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4/24/2009 5:52:26 PM |
wanted: kinky person who rides a bicycle and doesn't mind riding with an old fat chick.i just got a free bike from my new local freecycle group and live very, very close to the van fleet bike trail. who wants to go????(PLEEEEEZE don't ask, "where's the van fleet trail?" that's what google is for!)reminder: i am an old fat chick (translated: i can't go fast). also, i brake for ice cream shoppes.
wanted: kinky person who rides a bicycle and doesn't mind riding with an old fat chick
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4/23/2009 7:51:38 AM |
computers. gotta luv 'em, gotta hate 'em.i have no idea where i picked up this virtumonde/vundo virus. but it is nasty. evil. malicious. tenacious. downright hellacious.someone on here has been a big help to me several times throughout the years with, oh you know, little things like MOVING, a backrub when my back went out, and among other things, just being there at the right time.little did i know he is a major computer geek! he called me and offered to help.i had researched this virus the best i could with my little knowledge, limited mental resources, and even worse understanding, and downloaded and ran a bunch of programs - malwarebyte's anti-malware, registry mechanic, spyware doctor, spybot search and destroy, vundofix, ccleaner, bitdefender, and who knows what else. thank goodness i have a laptop too, and was able to communicate with several people who were instant messaging me and giving me more ideas and suggestions and i did what i could. each program found either a lot, or a little or none. each one was able to delete some but not all, or none. and throughout all this, the computer acted wonky, sometimes not letting me do anything. if i had a dollar for every time i had to reboot, i would not have to work today.it affected my screensaver, my windows log-in password requirements, my internet connection...i can't even recall all the trouble i had. finally, i couldn't even log into my account. but even safe mode under administrator wasn't running right. finally, i gave up when spyware doctor wouldn't let me remove all the things it found unless i paid for it. WTF. when things say they are free, i automatically think EVERYTHING about it is free! silly me. the scan is free. the fix is not free!well, this person that i mentioned above came over last night and fixed a lot of the problems. my computer is functioning. there are still a few things that are not quite right, but it is functional, and I CAN MAKE MONEY TODAY.there are probably still parts of the virus on my _restore files, but the .CABS that refer them to the _restore files are deleted, so hopefully the nasties will just lay dormant with no way to get activated.thank you, f.but perhaps even better was the mutual massage, and the mutual pleasure we gave and received. it was the best sex i have had in months. and it was obvious i am out of practice, because certain orifices are bleeding and HURT today. i don't mean uncomfortable. i mean HURT LIKE HELL! am i complaining? FUCK NO. i still get horny just remembering it. i already masturbated once this morning remembering it.every time i move and both holes HURT, but i cannot help but smile as i remember him slamming into me, over and over and over and over and over...giving me what i needed and wanted.so one hurts and is bleeding, the other just hurts. i don't care what you say, my pussy says you were up to your elbow inside me.i am burning my inflatable butt plug, by the way. and that tingling lube that feels like tiger balm in the pussy is in the garbage can. fire in the hole, indeed.but why is it i get so FUCKING WET just thinking about it, even though it still HURTS?????who cares if the anti-virus scans took god/dess knows how long? we made use of the time ;-)so, finally, at long last, my new bedroom is no longer a virgin bedroom, my bed has been baptized in its new home, and my three kitties are happily napping on my portable massage table. gonna break my heart to take it down and leave them without a nice surface to spread out and lay on...oh wait...guess they will have to move back to my bed again!oh, and hey! i learned i have a new hard limit! yes i do!no popping a zit on my back. IT HURTS!!!!!!yeah, i'm still a wimp. the former maso of melbourne has turned into the wimp of winter haven. the pussy of polk city. the inauspicious of auburndale. the....you get the idea.another friend who helped me moved (actually, she brought most of the moving crew) invited me over to her house for a pool party yesterday. i was so bummed and really didn't think i would be good company but she convinced me to come anyway. four fuzzy navals later, one plate of homemade potato salad, grilled chicken, veggies and dip, and tostitos and home cheese dip later, one skinny dipping in the pool later, one beer run with another guy who helped me move, and lots of hugs later, and a long conversation with her husband, i did feel a lot better and was not so depressed and anxiety-ridden.lesson learned: even though you feel like the world is crashing down on you and the only thing you can do is be a hermit, don't be a hermit.will i follow that lesson next time? i dunno. but yesterday sure was a great day, virtumonde and vundo BE DAMNED!
computers. gotta luv 'em, gotta hate 'em.i have no idea where i picked up this virtumo
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4/21/2009 11:06:00 AM |
local computer geek needed. i have virtumonde on my desktop which is used for my main source of income. will pay to get this fixed asap.
local computer geek needed. i have virtumonde on my desktop which is used for my main so
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4/14/2009 2:41:49 AM |
gonna try to get everything done that needs to get done today, and if that works out, i am going to venture out to have my woodshed virginity taken tonight :-) i would love to see some friends there! or make new ones!! don't know if i can stay long, but hopefully long enough to get a good ass whuppin'.
gonna try to get everything done that needs to get done today, and if that works out, i am goi
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4/13/2009 3:03:12 AM |
the kitties spent all day under a front porch. we found them there, all three pairs of eyes staring at us (no, more like GLARING at ME). i visited them all day and tried to sweet talk them, and lure them out with food and water. "no way is that gonna work on us again, bitch," they replied.finally about 11 p.m., they came out one by one through the opening in the porch steps. they all allowed me the privilege of petting them (yay!) and they very, Very, VERY tentatively checked out a bit of the front yard, and followed me to my front door. they all came in (yay!) and checked out their new home. they all found the cat door (yay!) and have been keeping busy going in and out, in and out, in and out, all night long (yay!). and now two are on my bed and one is eating. this is how it should be.life is good.and now maybe we can make this a home. hopefully for longer than a year this time.my new shrink wonders why i have not pursued a daddy dom type of relationship. that really floored me, because with my background, you would think that i WOULD have pursued one by now. but that has always been a "ummm...naaaah, i don't think i would be interested in that....i am a GROWN, INDEPENDENT, MATURE WOMAN!" but now i realize that i never really had a nurturing childhood, and that a daddy dom figure probably would have been something that i should have been attracted to.i gotta think on that. i was gonna go to the sarasota society's party this weekend (annie is such a sweetheart and is so kind), but it turns out i need to stick close to home. i am fighting the hermit reflex with every bone in my body, and maybe i will go somewhere local this weekend, i dunno.i haven't been very good in the private play arena...my head is just not where it should be but i hope that changes really soon. my shrink totally understands the relief that masochism brings due to biological changes it makes in my body. she hasn't said one way or another if she views masochism as a good thing or a bad thing. i'm sure she has her opinion. but i am not ready to hear it yet. so actually, i feel like i am really perpetuating the vicious cycle by not engaging in masochistic play as the endorphins are not being released, which keeps me in a depressed frame of mind. but i am afraid that when i am depressed, the play will not go well, and i will disappoint the play partner. maybe i just need to bite the bullet and try anyway. i dunno.in the meantime, i will pet my cats on my nice comfy bed in my new home!
the kitties spent all day under a front porch. we found them there, all three pairs of
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4/12/2009 11:24:18 AM |
i am finally back "home" after finishing my responsibilities on both sides of the state. i put home in quotes, because it doesn't feel like my home yet. i guess it shouldn't, cuz i haven't really been around it much yet. the cats are hiding under the porch and WILL NOT COME OUT. not for food, not for water, not to be pet, nadda. they have had it. and i don't blame them. they've been uprooted from yet another home, dragged to one side of the state, and then dragged to the other side of the state to a new place, and now dragged to ANOTHER brand new place, all in two weeks. i'm hoping they will forgive me and come sleep with me tonight. and that they will like their new digs. there are soooo many interesting places for cats here! a boat to sleep in! a barn to chase things in. a big yard to stalk things in. a quiet neighborhood to make rounds in. and best of all, my nice big comfy bed to nap in. their new cat door is freshly installed and waiting for them to come and go as they please. i am estimating it will be tomorrow or the next day before they come out from under the porch.i am feeling really blah today. i think i am gearing towards a depressive episode. gawd, i hope not. there are soooo many things that need to be done and a lot of lifestyle events coming up that i would like to do. when you are in a depressive episode, just getting out of bed is a major undertaking.i don't feel like playing, but i have had plenty of people to play with. i don't feel like going to any of the events this weekend, although i know i SHOULD and that not going is not going to help anything. (well, except i can work and not lose that money, i guess.)i hate all this mental/emotional/psychological crap and just wish i were NORMAL.
i am finally back "home" after finishing my responsibilities on both sides of the
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4/10/2009 5:34:51 AM |
yesterday was a tough day. i had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist. since i went off my meds in october of last year, i have not been back to see my prior one, even though i've been seeing him for years, and have such a history with him. i wanted to find someone local so that i wouldn't have to make the long drive anymore, and found one, ironically, just minutes from don dom's house. but....now that i have moved to bumfuckegypt, i have....guess what....a long drive again! oh well. i am not sure if i should stay with this one, or find ANOTHER one by bumfuckegypt.anyway, we met for the initial appointment and it was two hours long. i answered everything completely honestly and she said afterwards, "i have never had a patient who was so honest with me. you have told me more in two hours than most people feel comfortable sharing in months."i wasn't surprised to hear that.she agreed with my diagnoses of major depression recurrent, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar type II. she also agreed with the new diagnosis of anxiety disorder. i will be receiving medication for that, and i am really looking forward to that. the panic attacks and flashbacks have gotten quite bad, and are interfering with my life too much. she would like me to try dialectical behavorial therapy, which is pretty common therapy for borderline. it involves weekly psychotherapy sessions and weekly group therapy sessions. i am not sure if i will be able to do this due to the distance. i was pretty drained last night afterwards. she asked a lot of indepth questions that made me go places my memory doesn't like going. and i wonder if feeling so drained afterwards, twice a week, will be a good thing. but i was able to tell her everything that i felt was important...my early age involvement in BDSM (five years old is my earliest memory), my failed relationships history, my legally questionable fringe work as a professional dominatrix, my work in the adult entertainment industry, my dysfunctional family history, my promiscuity, etc., etc., ad nauseum. she was the perfect clinical nonjudgmental profressional, and assured me everything is kept confidential. she laughed (not at me, but in fun) on quite a few occasions because some of my answers were "sooooooo typical borderline." when asked pertinent questions about myself that most people would answer definitively without hesitation, i would have a blank look on my face and say, "i have no idea."if anyone else has undergone DBT, please let me know your experiences. it's a big commitment time-wise and distance-wise, and i am not sure if i will be able to do that.i will be baking cookies for the troops all day today...the ingredients should be dropped off here any minute. hope everyone is having a great day today.
yesterday was a tough day. i had my first appointment with a new psychiatrist. s
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4/8/2009 12:29:28 PM |
my body is battling over trytophan-overload from Easter dinner with my family, and concern over one of my black cats.i went to have a wonderful easter dinner, after segregating my kitties from the bird i am pet-sitting. the bird was moved to the bathroom, where there is a nice huge mirror for him to look at and admire that beautiful bird who is looking back at him in the reflection. the door was closed off, and my cats had the run of the house.little did i know that the person who was watching the dog that i was pet sitting (until i went to visit my family for spring break) decided to come while i was gone today, and bring the dog back. and in doing so, he let the dog out the back door, and LEFT THE SCREEN DOOR WIDE OPEN. he claims it was only for a minute, while he went back out the front door to his truck, but that is long enough for a cat to get loose.and sure enough, i only count two cats. i cannot tell which black cat is missing, as the one remaining cat will not come out from behind the washing machine, because she is scared of the dog.i've driven around for a good hour looking for missing-black-cat, to no avail. i just hope she knows to which house she needs to come back. well....it WAS a good easter, until that happened! hope you all are having a great one.just my luck, one of the cats will somehow get to the bird and eat it.on another note, since i have broken up with don dom, i am now without a photographer, and am looking for kinky amateurs who just want to shoot porn for the heck of it. i cannot pay you, sorry, but you can use it for your portfolio, or if you just want to come and have fun taking nasty pictures of a nekkid woman/women. i could buy your beer, though, or feed you lunch :-)) i often shoot with other girls, so yes, the possibility of multiple nekkid women is a good one. and i will give you a free month's membership to my website so you can see your handiwork. if you offered to do this before and it never happened, it is probably because i forgot you offered! my memory ain't the greatest. so if you are still interested, please contact me again.but for now.....WHERE'S MY BLACK CAT?!?!?!?! ooohh, tryptophans making me sleeeeeeepy though....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....cat.....must.....find.......cat.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
my body is battling over trytophan-overload from Easter dinner with my family, and concern o
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4/7/2009 5:13:42 PM |
i didn't make it to the lakeland munch. i didn't make it to FLICK. i didn't make it to the tampa munch. i didn't make it to the woodshed. i didn't make it to sir steffan's birthday party. i didn't make it to tampa fetish party. (wow, once again, i am amazed at how much lifestyle stuff there is to do here in central florida!) and i am sure there were plenty of other options on the menu.what i did do, is spend a wonderful day with family that ended up being longer than planned, and then having the perfect timing to see what my mom would have called a walt disney sunset as i drove over the banana river and the indian river in brevard county. the clouds were painted purple and orange, and the sun was a deep bright pink, complete with pink rays. it was hard to concentrate on the bridge - i wish there was a place to pull over at the top of one of the bridges just to say, "ooooooohhh! ahhhhhhhhh!" the ride back to land o lakes with the three kitties was blessedly uneventful. we pulled up in our destination's driveway, pressed the garage door opener, and drove right in. no chance for terrorized kitties to get away and be lost for a day! they are now happily making themselves at home on chairs and countertops and windowsills, although i cannot help but wonder if they are silently thinking, "when is the NEXT time she is going to uproot us???"they are always a big hit going through the beachline tollbooths in orlando. without fail, the toll collector will smile and make a comment about the sweet cute little furballs.hope everyone had a great time tonight, no matter which event they decided to attend!and for those of you who celebrate it, happy easter!
i didn't make it to the lakeland munch. i didn't make it to FLICK. i didn't make i
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4/6/2009 5:54:29 AM |
i never, ever, EVER thought i would see the day where i would be glad to say, "i am glad A1A is clogged with tourists!"it's true. there are nowhere near as many snowbirds here in the space coast as in prior years, but spring break has drawn a lot of out-of-state license plates and motorcycles. as i watched one business after another fold around here, it is a blessing to see the spring breakers here. mostly young families, which is good for the restaurants, beach apparel shops, grocery stores...i just hope the struggling businesses can make it until next year's snowbird influx.i woke up this morning with all three kitties on my bed with me. this is how it should be. well, except for accidentally waking up the closest one to my right foot when i stretched without being aware there was a kitty there yet. my family is enjoying having these kitties around, and often pick one up and pet it and say, "these are the best kitties in the whole wide world!" well, of course they are. i knew it...the kitties knew it...it's about time the rest of the world gets with the program! they are being spoiled with lots of hugs and kisses and free hands petting them and kitty treats and playing with the evil feather on a stick. as well it should be. little do they know that this weekend, we leave my family's home and make the trek back across the state, to house sit in land o' lakes until the 17th. and then, on the 18th, they will be introduced to their new home in the sticks. the last time i was there, i noticed lots of neighborhood cats in the vicinity and i hope they all get along.
i never, ever, EVER thought i would see the day where i would be glad to say, "i am glad
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4/5/2009 8:50:35 AM |
the brain truly is the most important sexual organ in our body. and if you want to experience the rest of my sexual organs, you had better somehow reach the most important one first.
the brain truly is the most important sexual organ in our body. and if you want to exper
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4/4/2009 8:07:01 AM |
i sit here staring at a bag of pepperidge farm sausalito cookies (walnut and chocolate chip), and chesapeake cookies (pecan and chocolate chip). i have no idea how they got here. they were on the shelf at the store and just magically jumped down into my basket. it was fate. it was meant to be.the closest wal-mart where i am visiting is one of the old ones, the original ones, the outdated ones. the floors are old scuffed tile, the scuff marks waxed over countless times. the shelves are old and have black dent marks on them. there is one aisle of refrigeration cases and their food section is highly limited. at least, that is how it was last month.this month they have started their renovation.particle board everywhere. aisles totally out of sync. never before have i seen bread next to hair styling aids. very limited selection of merchandise and brands. and here's the kicker.the adult incontinence aisle, which serves a small part of the population, was on an outside aisle so wide, you could have bumper car races with the handicapped motorized carts. while the shampoo aisle, which the majority of the population uses, only had width for ONE CART at a time! people had to back up over half of the aisle to get out.can you say clusterfuck?usually, there are senior citizens wandering around wal-mart, their eyebrows knitted in concentration and concern, trying to navigate the confusion, slooooowly. today, EVERYONE was wandering around, muttering to themselves, and causing traffic jams in every main thoroughfare.having most of the brands for which i was looking not even available, and in the confusion, totally forgetting to get breakfast cereal, still in amazement that most of the orange juice shelves were completely sold out, i made a detour down the snack aisle, which, unbelievably, was completely devoid of people. my plan was to haul ass down that aisle and join the queue in the smallest checkout lane, and get the hell out of there. and that's when it happened. the cookies.i tell you, i have no memory of picking them up off the shelf. i swear, they made a brave leap off the shelf and landed square in my purse seat on the cart. it was a miracle. st. sausalito and st. chesapeake, newly canonized saints. the cashier says it will be late may until the renovation is complete. i wonder if the 44 ounce packages of M&Ms have the same leaping capabilities?
i sit here staring at a bag of pepperidge farm sausalito cookies (walnut and chocolate chip)
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4/2/2009 6:16:43 PM |
update: ZOE CAME BACK!life is good!
Collarme.com - The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet
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