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Journal Entries for wordstoponder: |
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1/24/2010 11:23:56 AM |
Still living in bliss, though I have grown so comfortable with Master that sometimes I forget where my place is. Moving in with Him, officially over six months ago, has been a good decision. It's nice to kneel at Master's feet when I get home from work.
Still living in bliss, though I have grown so comfortable with Master that sometimes I forget
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9/17/2009 12:02:29 PM |
Haven't been on CM much, not until Master encouraged me to look for friends and potential playmates. Things have been going great. Submission has become a part of my life, yet it may seem subtle to the untrained eye. It's not so much about BDSM anymore as it is a relationship Lifestyle. =)
Haven't been on CM much, not until Master encouraged me to look for friends and potential play
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8/13/2009 2:47:14 AM |
Have been living with Master for just about a month now, and it's been bliss. Of course there have been ups and downs, potholes and sharp turns along the way, but otherwise it's been a wonderful journey. I always wondered what 24/7 D/s was like. Each day has been different. There have been days when we have gone about our lives in a vanilla manner. Other days, He asks a lot of me, then rewards me. BDSM is not central to our way of life (though it is very enjoyable). He has shaped me and continues to help me grow. There are moments where I disappoint Him or don't want to be submissive, but I've learned that those moments are okay, and that they are only moments and not really who I am.
Have been living with Master for just about a month now, and it's been bliss. Of course
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6/7/2009 3:03:38 PM |
Haven't been on CM for months. No reason to, really. Been spending time with Master, finally found a job and am busying myself with life. However, our relationship had a huge earthquake in the past few days. I had another tantrum over something very minor. Master was talking with me about reality and the things that I need to seriously think about and take action on relating to growing up, such as moving out of my parents' house (whether it be with Master, someone else, or on my own), as well as other things that terrify me. Instead of acknowledging and accepting, I tuned Him out and acted-out in a very immature way. This is not the first time that this has happened, and I need to change, to rectify this behavior, if Master is to keep His pet. I am scared and I am in love and I don't know what to do. I need to learn how to trust and communicate better.
Haven't been on CM for months. No reason to, really. Been spending time with Maste
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4/26/2009 3:52:56 PM |
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Out of curiosity, I looked into the relationship compatibility of mine (Taurus) and Master's (Aquarius) star signs. According to the Heavens, we are a match with vast differences, and in order to maintain a romantic relationship, both of us need to be willing to compromise. In other words, it will be a long and difficult (yet fulfilling) path towards Bliss. Yes, horoscopes are superstitions, but I believe that they are based on observations. Though there were some differences, much of what I read rang true. I am a very needy and passionate creature that craves physical intimacy and security, driven by romance and pleasure (especially sex). Master, on the other hand, is very independent, and though He is intuitive and understanding, He can be quite distant, something that I am trying very hard to accept. I am very fascinated by who He is and admire what He stands for. I keep Him stimulated sexually, emotionally, and most importantly, intellectually. Both of us are very stubborn, so neither of us will let the relationship fall apart without a struggle. We just need to keep in mind each others needs and find a compromise that we are both comfortable with, something a D/s-oriented relationship can enhance. I need to learn how to let go; He needs to learn how to hold on.Out of curiosity, I looked into the relationship compatibility of mine (Taurus) and Master's (
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4/24/2009 3:00:47 PM |
I'm not really a "submissive," but just me. I have many qualities of a submissive, including passion, a desire to serve, and an others-oriented personality. However, I've come to realize that I am stubborn and moody and, much to my disappointment, I've been told that I can be controlling. Maybe it's that being in a submissive role comes natural to me -- except when I get uncomfortable or upset. Either way, I enjoy being a bottom in the bedroom, and doing things to make Master happy. All in all, labels don't matter: as long as I am happy with myself and Master is happy with me, things are good.
I'm not really a "submissive," but just me. I have many qualities of a submiss
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4/4/2009 3:39:00 AM |
Master is very in tune with the flow of the Universe. Lately He's been trying to explain to me that, although effort is required in Life, that Faith in the Universe (or God) is necessary. In other words, things happen, but I need to be more receptive and open, to welcome the unseen forces of the Universe rather than just depending on my personal effort. Kinda reminds me of Taoism, and Bruce Lee's philosophy of "Learn technique, practice technique, forget technique" and Mr. Miagi's teachings to the Karate Kid. Master believes that I should learn about and practice submission, but also that it must come naturally, that it cannot be forced.
Master is very in tune with the flow of the Universe. Lately He's been trying to explain
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3/29/2009 4:44:12 AM |
Bought new shoes a few days ago, and Master really likes them. He finds them sexy and He takes great pleasure in having me break them in, such as taking walks with them, or squatting to worship His cock, like a pornstar in heels. For a few days, my legs ached from the unused muscles and the awkward position of squatting.
Bought new shoes a few days ago, and Master really likes them. He finds them sexy and He
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3/27/2009 1:11:44 AM |
The weekend with Master went by smoothly. Communication has been flowing more freely and I am learning to bite my tongue and trust Him rather than constantly asking "why".
The weekend with Master went by smoothly. Communication has been flowing more freely and
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3/19/2009 10:07:44 AM |
Whenever the barriers of my soul are knocked down, somehow they are rebuilt. I've been reading over my CM journal entries from the past year, and it doesn't surprise me that there are many highs and lows. I don't know why trust is difficult for me, especially since Master has done everything to prove that He is worthy of trust. Is that why I have problems with all of my relationships? Relationships are built on a foundation of trust. No wonder why we always seem to be struggling to maintain our relationship. Like I've mentioned in previous entries, I need to examine my feelings and actions and shape them rather than let them shape me. I've been out of control lately, and it needs to stop. I need to learn how to control myself because He cannot tame me if I do not let Him. After a certain amount of time, most relationships hit rough water because the relationship is no longer new and circumstances have changed. I need to control the Tempest of my soul.
Whenever the barriers of my soul are knocked down, somehow they are rebuilt. I've been r
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3/14/2009 2:31:02 AM |
Is anyone familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? **** As we ate dinner around the heater, He stared down at me - my plate was on the floor, and I sat cross-legged, leaning over the plate to eat. He was punishing me, upset over another (ridiculous and silly, but very harmful) outburst. Yet this did not feel like punishment. The more that I act up, the more harsh He gets - something which He does not enjoy. I do not intentionally misbehave, and I do not get pleasure from getting Him to be "mean". But something inside me craves to be "put in my place". **** The other day He mentioned that I was a wonderful submissive sometimes, and yet at other times, I was a controlling, manipulative bitch. This startled me, and I really want to change.
Is anyone familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? **** As we ate dinner aro
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3/7/2009 7:09:44 AM |
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Sometimes when I want to stop, I can't help myself. I cling to habit, and even though I want to grow, when I get scared, I dig my heels in and fight. Thankfully, Master is more stubborn then I am. After enduring another chaotic storm of my soul, He put me back into my place. In the past month or two, the air of our relationship seemed to have been charged. He's been busy and frustrated with life, and I've had to deal with looking for another job. Both of us have been stressed. The day after our painful argument, we had an intense BDSM session that seemed to signal the end of the storm. I have been proudly serving Master for the past year, have fallen in love, and have grown (and backslid). This is only the beginning of our relationship, and the Lifestyle is only part of it, but the D/s dynamic is something that is both a part of us and something that we crave.Sometimes when I want to stop, I can't help myself. I cling to habit, and even though I
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3/1/2009 2:06:15 AM |
Spent the past week at Master's, both in bliss and heart-wrenching, thought-provoking discussion. It is always a pleasure to be in His company, and to serve Him in my own unique way. However, we had a conversation concerning whether I was ready to move in with Him, which I am not. We also discussed how to deal with our differences. For example, I am a morning person, and Master is a night owl. I need to learn how to adapt to new situations better and to keep my moodiness in check. *~*~*~ Because I did not follow through with what I promised Master I would do, He punished me by refusing to make me orgasm. For a few days, it was difficult to endure, especially since I am a very sensual person and enjoy giving Master pleasure. By the time I came to terms with my punishment and accepted the consequences of my action, Master decided that it was time to end the punishment and to allow me to cum. When I did, it was awkward and I was actually disappointed and uncomfortable because I felt that I did not deserve it.
Spent the past week at Master's, both in bliss and heart-wrenching, thought-provoking discussi
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2/5/2009 12:10:11 PM |
For Master's birthday, I bought the movie Secretary, and we watched it together, for the second time, last night. Every time that I saw myself in Lee, the submissive secretary, I cringed - the youth and naivety, the desire to please, the mental/emotional roller coaster that self-injury sometimes relieves, the dependency (on parents, boyfriend, therapist, boss), the social awkwardness, etc. As she changed during the movie, as Master observed by pointing out that she became more attractive as the movie progressed, I yearned to become who she was becoming - the loyal, determined submissive that swallows her pride and blindly obeys out of love and reverence, no matter what everyone else (aka society) says. Master had to keep reminding me that the movie is fantasy, similar to the Gorean dream of O. The Lifestyle is not able to be "practiced" 24/7, but is a part of who we are. I yearn for the guidance and the discipline that the Boss carried out, the constant commands and corrections, the red marker followed by the spanking. Again, Master had to pull me back to reality. I need to stop comparing myself and my relationship, and to stop having unrealistic expectations. In the one year that I have spent with Master, I have grown. I have back-slid at times, which is human. Bad habits are hard to break. I need to embrace the future, and become aware that improvement requires hard work, time, and patience.
For Master's birthday, I bought the movie Secretary, and we watched it together, for the secon
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1/23/2009 1:29:16 PM |
This past weekend was the first time in a long time that Master and I got "kinky". After pulling out various toys from His toy drawer and laying them out on the bureau, He would grin and put them away, telling me "later" or "not now". Each time He put a toy away, I would get out another. Finally on Sunday, I pulled out the bondage restraints and velcroed myself, crawling around the bed naked with the nylon straps trailing behind me. He chuckled and tried to figure out which way to wrap the straps around me, settling on binding my arms crossed against my chest so that they would be natural tit holders. I was laid down on my back, ankles bound. I had a hard time seeing beyond my held-up breasts, and watching Him move around made me nervous. He retrieved a basket of traditional wooden clothes pins, tested it on the skin between His thumb and finger, then placed them on each nipple, then on my clit and pussy lips, grinning when I whimpered. Then He pulled out the flogger and targeted my breasts and pussy. After setting down the flogger and carefully removing the clothespins, He lit the candle and dripped wax all along my body. I forgot how exhilerating kink play can be and the different sensations that it creates. ~*~*~*~*~*~ I am very happy with Master. However, the other day He mentioned that I wasn't doing things the way I used to. I have changed since I met Him, in plenty of good ways that He guided me towards, but I have also grown comfortable in His presence. I've finally grown accustom to asking permission to go to the bathroom, but He said that I don't kneel on the floor before climbing onto the bed (but He knows that the room's cold, and that there's a draft coming from the floor) or ask permission to cum. I need to remember where my place is as His pet. =)
This past weekend was the first time in a long time that Master and I got "kinky".&#
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12/27/2008 8:36:33 AM |
Haven't been on CM much lately. Have just been busy, a good busy. Things are going VERY well with Master, and I have come to terms with myself and how I am. There are still many things that I am still working on changing, but Master loves me for who I am. Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays! The winter weather has been harsh, but as a New England native, I have no reason to complain.
Haven't been on CM much lately. Have just been busy, a good busy. Things are going
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12/17/2008 9:46:23 AM |
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Because of the constant onslaught of wintry weather, I was not able to spend time with Master this weekend. With all of this free time, I've been going through online BDSM resources and thinking deeply about who I am and what I want. *~*~*~*~*~* Before I went to bed last night, I called Master. I couldn't contain the emotions that have been bottling up for days. A few tears crawled down my cheek as I spewed out my thoughts, my desire to be controlled, and a sudden craving for pain. Master comforted me, telling me that He understood (though I still do not understand myself). He also reminded me that when we first met, I told Him that I could tolerate only a little pain. *~*~*~*~*~* I need to be dominated, to be broken and rebuilt, molded and shaped. I need Him to give me strength and guidance. Even though I love Master, and He loves me, I yearn for Him to make me cry and hurt for Him. I need Him to show me that He can control me, to use me and make me His. I want Him to bring me to my knees so I can know who I am and taste the sensation of freedom. Because of the constant onslaught of wintry weather, I was not able to spend time with Master
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12/12/2008 2:24:46 PM |
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Due to the ice storm that ravaged New England and caused a massive power outage, I stayed at Master's from Friday until this morning. As always, it was a pleasure to help Him relax, take care of the house, kneel at His feet, and to cuddle next to Him to play video games. ~*~*~*~*~ Master read my CM journal and had a few comments about it. When I wrote that I had "failed" Him, He said that it sounded harsh, and that there was a difference between a minor mistake that makes Him disappointed and an absolute failure that would hurt Him if I actively tried to disobey. To help me learn how to control myself, He offered the incentive of bondage. For the past few months, I've had the desire to be bound - to be tied up (or tied down), restrained, whatever. Master has been hesitant to try using rope because He's not familiar with how to use it, and because I haven't really deserved it.Due to the ice storm that ravaged New England and caused a massive power outage, I stayed at M
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12/5/2008 1:58:40 PM |
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I am human, and therefore subject to human qualities and a tendency to err. Humans are not perfect, thus I should not hold myself to perfect (i.e. impossible) standards. It is important for me to learn and to strive to improve, to admit that I have strayed from my chosen path and to correct myself and continue where I left off, picking myself up and moving on. I need to humble myself before Master and suffer the consequences for my actions. I know that Master will forgive me and urge me to move on, but my soul still feels tainted, as if I'm still not entirely stripped bare, *~*~*~* Yes, I have failed Master - again- but, I will not give up. I desire to serve and to submit to Him. I need to learn to accept His word as the last, to not argue when I am scared or upset or craving attention. I want to make Him happy, and I am in the process of changing into the good girl that will make Him proud. I am determined to make my place at His feet.I am human, and therefore subject to human qualities and a tendency to err. Humans are n
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12/5/2008 1:30:02 PM |
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Who and what am I supposed to be? *~*~* Where can I find inner strength?Who and what am I supposed to be? *~*~* Where can I find inner streng
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12/4/2008 12:59:25 PM |
Master told me to not touch myself for the entire week and to not cum until this weekend, when I am in His presence. He has been slowly changing me over the past nine months (has it really been that long?). I am a very sexual creature and it has been very difficult for me to restrain myself, to place the control of my sexuality into His hands. He is very understanding and wise, tolerating my little mess-ups every now and then. Including bringing myself to orgasm without His permission. However, not this time. He has sensed a change in me and is asking me something that I have not been able to give Him in the past. This will prove to Him and myself that I have indeed grown, and that He has shaped me into His pet. *~*~*~*~* Although He was very tired from an exhausting week, He couldn't get enough sex last weekend. I mentioned that I wanted more sex, and He granted my wish. I do desire to play more, to scene, to engage in kinky activities... (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) *~*~*~*~* Our relationship is not based on sex or BDSM. Even though I found Master on CollarMe (yay!) and we share the same sexual and BDSM interests, our relationship has evolved and we have come to embrace friendship, love, and romance.
Master told me to not touch myself for the entire week and to not cum until this weekend, when
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11/28/2008 11:48:57 AM |
Things are beginning to look up. Got a job offer this afternoon, ending a nearly six month gap in my life since graduating college. Spent the past week relaxing at Master's place. Rather than focusing on kink, we've been having fun doing some playing of a different kind, captivated by the very scary game of Silent Hill. I enjoy just being with Him, whether waking Him up with coffee in the morning, snuggling up to Him as we play a video game, or doing house chores like dishes and laundry while He is out. The two medications I'm taking seem to be working (one for depression and one for ADD). Things are looking better for Master, too. He is very motivated to get His life back on track.
Things are beginning to look up. Got a job offer this afternoon, ending a nearly six mon
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11/12/2008 10:54:47 AM |
I feel like I'm beginning to surrender to Master. Yesterday was spent at His place, helping around the house. For some reason, cleaning and helping out brings pleasure to me. I like being useful... and appreciated. =) Despite being sore all over, Master couldn't help but to smile. Especially when I worship every aspect of Him - body, mind, and soul. I specifically focused on His feet, a fetish that I didn't realize that I had. Master rewarded me for being such a good kitten. Meow. =^.^=
I feel like I'm beginning to surrender to Master. Yesterday was spent at His place, help
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11/2/2008 3:23:41 AM |
Just recently I was asked whether I wanted to be a "submissive" or a "slave". My response: labels don't do much justice. I want to be capable of being on my own, yet I want to submit whenever asked to. I want to be subservient but not a slave. I want to be proud to be owned, yet also proud to be myself. I want to be me, yet also desire to be shaped and guided. *~*~* Master does not want a "slave". He wants someone who is independent but submissive. I am working on both becoming more independent and becoming more submissive. I have a tendency of being dependent and needy, which is unhealthy. I need to be able to support myself and to make my own decisions. However, I also can be selfish and stubborn (but who isn't?). Especially when I am upset or afraid, I talk back to Master (which He does not appreciate) and don't do what He asks, although this does not happen very often. I am working on finding the right balance. By nature, I am submissive. I have a desire to please and to help. I want to be shaped, guided, and pushed, but I don't want my "self" to be fundamentally altered. I want to become more of what I am, not changed into something that I'm not.
Just recently I was asked whether I wanted to be a "submissive" or a "slave&q
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10/31/2008 10:25:04 AM |
As a submissive, I crave affection, attention, and guidance. Sometimes I am too needy and selfish, yet I feel like I have a lack of self. The past two months have been very difficult for me because I am unemployed, and thus have no structure. I need to become more independent and self-sufficient. Even Master agrees.
As a submissive, I crave affection, attention, and guidance. Sometimes I am too needy an
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10/25/2008 8:00:28 AM |
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Every time I read Master's profile, I smile. This Lifestyle is a part of who He is, yet is not all that He is. I am everything that He wants: a helpful pet that tolerates His sadism and His obsession with tinkering with computers. However, there are many things that I need to work on, such as communication. Although I have gotten better at expressing thoughts and feelings, I still clam up at the wrong times and have unhealthy outbursts of anger or emotion. I need to learn how to control myself better, to continue our D/s dynamic. Yes, I am a person, and Master treats me like an adult and cherishes me like a lover. But I need to show respect, even if I am upset or disagree with Him. Every time I read Master's profile, I smile. This Lifestyle is a part of who He is, yet
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10/23/2008 9:36:02 AM |
The scissors scared me as they neared my breasts. He grinned and told me to stay still. I whimpered. Two holes were cut into the long-sleeve shirt. He pushed my tits out, exposing them to the cold. What a sadist =P
The scissors scared me as they neared my breasts. He grinned and told me to stay still.&
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10/16/2008 12:48:31 PM |
Lately I've had a few bumps in the road on my journey into submission. I've been irritable and stubborn. I started yelling at Master over a minor miscommunication, even though He did nothing to deserve my sudden burst of anger. It was uncalled for and I am ashamed of how childish and immature I can be at times, especially when He remains calm and respectful. He's forgiven me yet again, but I left His place this weekend on bitter terms. When I returned home, I cried. *~*~*~* I want to change, to grow, to allow myself to be molded into the woman that He wants me to be. However, Master says that I need to be myself, to be my own person. I've always had a difficult time with that concept, clinging to whomever I was with and adapting myself to them. I know that there is a balance, but I'm not sure how to achieve it. *~*~*~* He says that I've changed in the past eight months, but the only thing that I have noticed is that I'm more communicative with my parents. I've been lazy and unmotivated since graduating in May and I need a metaphorical spanking to get me back on track.
Lately I've had a few bumps in the road on my journey into submission. I've been irritab
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10/10/2008 9:57:44 AM |
The psychiatrist prescribed me Vyvanse for ADD, and the side-effects are unpleasant: insomnia and stomach ache. Master hopes that the medicine will help, although I am skeptical.
The psychiatrist prescribed me Vyvanse for ADD, and the side-effects are unpleasant: insomnia
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10/3/2008 1:31:46 PM |
Spent the past several days with Master, just hanging out and living every day life. I have hit another bump on the road of life, but it was relatively minor, and He has helped me back to my feet. I've realized that I need professional help, and that I need to get back in touch with my psychiatrist and social worker. ~*~*~*~*~ Master keeps telling me how wonderful I am.
Spent the past several days with Master, just hanging out and living every day life. I h
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9/27/2008 12:22:56 PM |
Again I have failed Him. It may be something minor, but it indicates several things: 1) He does not have complete control of me; 2) I have very little self-control; 3) Absolute surrender may not be a viable option right now. Part of me wants to surrender, but obviously part of me does not want to lose control because I have had a hard time restraining myself and my sexuality. There is really nothing that He can do until I am able to better control myself. I still love Him with all of my heart and submit to Him like a good girl, but I guess I've realized that I'm not yet slave material.
Again I have failed Him. It may be something minor, but it indicates several things: 1)
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9/25/2008 12:14:38 PM |
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I finally feel at peace again. Master and I had a talk about how things have been unbalanced in the past few weeks. He tried to train me by controlling sex - He wanted me to be less selfish by giving more, and to help me gain control over sexual impulses. However, it was a messy miscommunication that had put a strain on our relationship. He did not explain what He was going to do, but just tried to alter me dramatically over a period of weeks. He had an idea (a very good one, in fact) and His own reasoning and planted seeds of thoughts in my mind in hope that it would grow into a new mindset, and thus form new habits. At first I accept His methods without realizing it and enjoyed pleasing Him without much pleasure in return. He was trying to shape me, just like I kept telling Him that I wanted Him too. But when He implemented His ideas out of the blue, and I grew sexually frustrated after a while and my soul felt dirty for continuing old habits, I got scared, upset, confused, and hurt. I did not understand what He was doing, or why. ~*~*~*~ Now that I do understand, I want to submit completely. I will allow Him to control me and my sexuality. I will not touch myself without His permission and I will work on my attitude. I want to improve and grow.I finally feel at peace again. Master and I had a talk about how things have been unbala
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9/18/2008 1:58:25 PM |
On the car ride back to New Hampshire to meet my parents, Master opened up. He's always been honest, but He surprised me with what He said. I'm sure His nerves provoked Him to talk. He talked about His past, the present, and what He wants for the future. Both of us are struggling with some issues - His more concrete and mine more biological/chemical - yet He opened up, something that has always been hard for Him. I wanted to talk, and I am always free to, but in the past few months, I haven't opened myself up much. I've only been cryptic and left Him confused and sometimes hurt. Part of me is ashamed of who I am, and I yearn to change. I'm not sure how to break through the barriers to my soul. I can tell that it's been putting strain on our relationship. How can He guide me if I am not exposed? Anyway, my parents were quite impressed with Him. Dinner went smoothly, and it seemed that everyone was comfortable with each other. Master enjoyed meeting my parents. ~*~*~*~ This weekend we refrained from any play and sexual contact. I made Him cum several times and worshipped His body (and entire being), kneeled at His feet, and helped Him do chores around the house. However, part of me felt empty. I am happy, but I am selfish... wanting so much and causing a fit when I don't get it. Also, how can He fulfill my needs if I don't make them known?
On the car ride back to New Hampshire to meet my parents, Master opened up. He's alway
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9/18/2008 11:54:50 AM |
SomeOne sent me a message telling me that He saw my pictures posted on another website - SlaveFarm.com. Neither Master nor myself gave anyone permission to post my pictures. I am offended by this "BladeRunner" and have alerted both the administrators at SlaveFarm and CollarMe, though am not sure if they are able to do anything about it. This is a risk I take for putting pictures up on the internet.
SomeOne sent me a message telling me that He saw my pictures posted on another website - Slave
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9/4/2008 2:50:51 PM |
It's been another rough weekend. Maybe I've been stressed or something lately, but I haven't been myself. I'm still happy at His feet. However, we've hit rough waters - I haven't been listening as I ought to be, which makes me wonder if I really do trust Him. I want to, but what is holding me back? He has never done anything to make me question Him.
It's been another rough weekend. Maybe I've been stressed or something lately, but I hav
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8/30/2008 1:53:23 PM |
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Real life. The reality of growing up. Spending nights alone. It only makes me crave to be at Master's feet more. When I call Him at lunch, His voice brightens my day. When I talk to Him at night, it soothes me. I tend to slack off when I'm in a bad mood, which happens often and unpredictably. Master and a few of my friends have mentioned that I should see a therapist, but I am hesitant. I am currently without insurance and don't have much money to spare. And I've been "treated" in the past, and have progressed. But I digress. I need to be patient, to work on improving myself, and to enjoy and savor the time that I do have with Master, whether that be BDSM play, making love, cooking dinner together, or watching cartoons with His kids.Real life. The reality of growing up. Spending nights alone. It only makes m
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8/7/2008 12:52:19 PM |
Rereading Master's profile and journal entry has provoked a desire for me to journal. What do I like and crave? 1) To be held, cuddled, loved, petted, adored. 2) To be be fucked hard, to be used as a toy.3) To be treated as a precious pet.4) CONVERSATION and intellectual discourse.5) Hair pulled.6) Spanked, either by hand or wooden spoon.7) To be used as furniture.8) Hot wax.
Rereading Master's profile and journal entry has provoked a desire for me to journal. Wh
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8/6/2008 1:24:24 PM |
Yesterday, Master nearly sent me to subspace with the most intense flogging that I've experienced (thus far). First it started with His hand, then the butt plug/whip (which fell apart on Him after two hard swats), the suede flogger, and finally, the wooden spoon - my favorite. It took a while for me to get used to the stinging of the flogger. I didn't really like it, but I wanted to endure it for Him. I cringed and whimpered, but bit my tongue and refused to cry out the safe word. He said that after a while I kinda zoned out, that I stopped cringing and reacting. I guess the steady rhythm helped me to relax and let go, and travel to somewhere else. Next thing I remembered, Master had stopped and climbed onto the bed, laying next to be, gazing at me, grinning. He was very pleased, but I'm not sure with what.
Yesterday, Master nearly sent me to subspace with the most intense flogging that I've experi
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8/3/2008 8:48:29 AM |
Just spent a blissful week with Master, though I will not be seeing Him nearly as often as I have starting on Sunday night because of my new job (yay!) Last week I purchased John (and Libby) Warren's The Loving Dominant and am enjoying reading it. Master pointed out that John was on the CM forums. On Monday, we went to the local adult video store to look for toys, and much to Master's disappointment, there were only vanilla-esque equipment. He purchased some sensual wax, which, to His surprise, He thoroughly enjoyed using on me. On Tuesday, we drove to Cambridge to explore the fetish/BDSM-friendly store Hubba Hubba. Master purchased a simple (but kinda thick) leather collar, a small suede flogger, and a buttplug with a tail that can also be used as a whip. When we played with our new toys, there were a few more firsts for me.
Just spent a blissful week with Master, though I will not be seeing Him nearly as often as I h
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7/27/2008 4:19:30 PM |
What draws me to submission and the BDSM Lifestyle?
1) I am often indecisive and rarely stick to decisions and choices that
I originally make. I can't make up my mind and tend to give up easily.
>> I need someOne to push me in the right direction and to keep an eye (and a hand) on me so that I don't give up or stray.
2) I am creative, but I crave guidance and structure.
>> I am not an artist that can make something out of an empty canvas
- I am a writer that needs the lines of a notebook to stir
inspiration. I want a starting point that I could build upon.
3) I enjoy making others happy. I am a people-pleaser that likes doing
what is told, and then some, to earn affection. I need someone to
appreciate this part of me. (Master loves how helpful I am around the
house. I enjoy making life easier for Him.)4) I am a very sensual person and enjoy experimenting with new and different things.
>> I love erotic pain, but I am not a masochist. I endure *some*
pain to please Master, but don't get aroused by it. (I get pleasure by
pleasing Him.)5) BONDAGE - the aestheticness and eye-candy of it, and the feeling of
helplessness that makes me feel submissive, plus the ability to let the
world go, to relax.
>> I tend to have a hard time releasing my worries and letting go of
the world. Being cuddled, held down, or bound helps me focus and
allows me to set everything aside so my mind can stop spinning and so I
can enjoy the moment.
What draws me to submission and the BDSM Lifestyle?
1) I am often indecisive and rarely sti
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7/20/2008 3:48:31 PM |
More on "training": Speaking with a submissive friend about the most recent entry has provoked more thoughts. Although it is the responsiblity of the submissive to improve him/herself, he/she cannot do it on her own. I mean, he/she is capable, BUT it is in a submissive's nature to crave guidance and structure, which is provided by their dominant counterpart. I'm not sure how to express this part to Master, that I need to structure to grow and that I need to be nurtured to blossom. Master is a very intuitive person who is compassionate and puts me in my place when I require it. However, there is more to the Lifestyle than intuition. I wish that He would open up to others about the Lifestyle, and learn from them.
More on "training": Speaking with a submissive friend about the most recent en
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7/20/2008 2:53:39 PM |
On "training": Master always gets nervous when I mention that I want to become a slave, and that I want to be trained. In His eyes, there is no such thing as "training," especially by One who is not the slave-to-be's Master. I've been thinking about the concept of "training" lately and find that my beliefs fall in line with Master's. However, I wish to elaborate more. To me, "formal training" is not necessary. Yes, a submissive or slave needs to learn and adapt to their Master's/Dominant's standards, rules, and expectations. Old, bad habits need to be discarded, and new habits need to be instituted. A Master, especially my Master, can't keep an eye on the sub/slave at all times. It is especially difficult with distance, when there is only so much that He can do to shape me. This is where "training" becomes self-discipline, something that I am working on. He can't choose what I wear or how I act when I am not with Him, but He trusts me to behave in a manner that is acceptable to Him. A sub/slave can't rely on her Master to make things change... he/she needs to accept the responsibility to change his/herself. I need to improve myself, and not only to please Him, He says, but to also make myself happy. This post was inspired by http://englishrussia.com/?p=1940#more-1940
On "training": Master always gets nervous when I mention that I want to become a sla
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7/12/2008 2:34:06 PM |
Met up with another local submissive for lunch, and it was quite enjoyable. We had a mission... to slowly introduce me to the ways of being feminine - i.e., make-up, high heels, etc. I did not purchase anything yet, but I have some ideas now. This is what Master wants, and I am hesitant but willing to transform myself into His pretty pet. I want to please. I am not exactly a "tomboy," but I am nowhere close to being a fashion doll. I care about my appearance, but tend to be very low-key. I haven't touched make-up in several years, when I experimented with the gothic subculture in high school.
Met up with another local submissive for lunch, and it was quite enjoyable. We had a mis
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7/5/2008 11:09:27 AM |
An excellent job opportunity has just appeared, but it is much further away from Master than I would like it to be. Some would laugh at me when I say that an hour and a half is long-distance to me. I wonder how crazy I will get when my work adds an extra hour of travel time. This is why I need a sister, another local submissive female, who I can talk with and learn from... so I can maintain sanity when I am not at Master's feet. I need real life touch and affection, and I am a horny little creature that has a difficult time controlling impulses. As it currently stands, I am only able to see Him on the weekends. However, if I accept this job, I may see Him even less than I do now.Does anyone have any advice on how to maintain a long-distance relationship?
An excellent job opportunity has just appeared, but it is much further away from Master than I
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6/19/2008 1:27:38 PM |
I need to close my eyes and follow His lead, to trust His touch and have faith in U/us.
I need to close my eyes and follow His lead, to trust His touch and have fa
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6/7/2008 1:33:19 PM |
Still seeking other submissive females who are relatively local to become friends with and to learn from. It would be nice to talk with others who understand the Lifestyle and who can be supportive.
Still seeking other submissive females who are relatively local to become friends with and to
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5/31/2008 1:37:30 PM |
I need to really put effort into life, into changing and improving myself, into having a relationship. I need to be steadfast, not indecisive or unsure. He has given me everything and He deserves nothing less than everything that I am. If I am to be trained, I can't fight Him along the way. I need to take everything in stride and earn back His trust and respect. I will make Him proud.
I need to really put effort into life, into changing and improving myself, into having a relat
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5/30/2008 8:57:15 AM |
He has me on a tight leash. We are perfect for each other, yet I had to self-destruct and obliterate a beautiful relationship. We've come to the realization that the only way that I will change is through being rebuilt. It will be a difficult and painful process, especially since I am not able to move in with Him yet, so I really need to practice self-restraint. We need to be patient and have faith in love in order for this to work out.
He has me on a tight leash. We are perfect for each other, yet I had to self-destruct and o
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5/27/2008 7:02:39 PM |
Some things do not change... such as my foolish, selfish behavior. And this time it cost me a relationship with a wonderful man who just released me. He meant a lot to me, but I have to learn to move on. I broke His trust, and there is no way to repair the damage that I have done. The only thing that I can do is learn from my mistake (which I have made many times) and move on. He treated me very well, and I will never find One like Him.
Some things do not change... such as my foolish, selfish behavior. And this time i
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4/11/2008 12:38:14 PM |
In the past few weeks, my behavior has improved considerably. Things are much better between us. Communication is starting to flow rather than trickle. However, both of us still have issues to deal with and things to overcome both together and as individuals. I yearn for a submissive friend who can understand and possibly help me, or just as companions and someone I can learn from.
In the past few weeks, my behavior has improved considerably. Things are much better bet
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3/27/2008 4:09:03 PM |
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I am learning how difficult it is to maintain a 24/7 D/s relationship that is long-distance. Everything seems to go well when in His presence, but during the weekdays, when I am at school, I tend to get caught up in a downward spiral of self-destruction. When He's had to discipline and punish me (I've learned that they are two separate concepts), part of me feels that I enjoy the pain and that I want to be made to cry. It is very disrespectful for me to act out in the ways that I do, especially since I know what I should and should not be doing. He does not like punishing me, and it hurts Him to have to do it. There is only so much that He is able to do when I am not there - I need to take responsibility for my actions and practice self-discipline and self-restraint.I am learning how difficult it is to maintain a 24/7 D/s relationship that is long-distance.&#
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3/15/2008 3:38:20 PM |
Bad habits are difficult to break and it is hard to stretch beyond your comfort zone. I have broken down beneath pressure. There are times when I have resurrected the barriers that I thought had been knocked down. As soon as we felt that we have made progress, I slide back into bad habits and continue to sabotage something wonderful. He is a patient Man and understands what I am going through. However, I have disappointed Him, and He has had to discipline me. I want to be a good girl. I need to learn how to control myself because He cannot tame me if I do not let Him.
Bad habits are difficult to break and it is hard to stretch beyond your comfort zone. I hav
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3/7/2008 4:58:16 PM |
I need to keep reminding myself that I have only known Him for a month. Things have progressed so quickly that we get to a point where I freak out, and then we fall out of the clouds and back into reality. The fact that I only see Him on the weekends will keep our relationship healthy and grounded, despite our deep connection on multiple levels and desire for more. * I have already experienced so much in the little time that we have spent with each other. I have allowed Him to do things that I have not let anyone else try; I have swallowed my pride and let Him gently push soft limits. I am generally a trusting person, but I have let Him into my soul. He says that I have grown since the first time that I walked through His door and entered His life.
I need to keep reminding myself that I have only known Him for a month. Things have prog
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3/1/2008 11:50:26 AM |
Things have been going well. We decided to have a relationship - a normal, vanilla relationship - to get to know each other more and to see where things will go. The D/s dynamic is still part of who we are as individuals, and how we naturally act towards each other. However, to have a strong D/s relationship, a friendship based on trust and companionship is necessary. I am definitely not ready to be collared, though part of me wants to be. I need to examine my feelings and actions and begin to shape them rather than let them shape me. Change can only be implemented from within, not imposed from without. He can help and encourage me, but it is I that needs to improve. I need to put the effort into becoming a better person so that I can be a good pet in the future.
Things have been going well. We decided to have a relationship - a normal, vanilla relat
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2/22/2008 5:18:56 PM |
About my "breakdown" on Sunday night... I played an emotional mindgame and tried to push Him away. Thankfully I was unsuccessful. He stared down at me and kept His composure, refusing to play my game, putting me in my place by pointing at His feet and pulling my head back by my hair and gazing into my eyes. He said that when He tugged my hair, He could tell that I was scared... scared because no one else put their foot down. I wanted to provoke Him to yell at me or Hit me or something, and all He did was sit there, pointing to His feet until I finally submitted to His will. I was scared, yes, but I also felt awe and reverence. // What triggered this breakdown? From what I recall, He said that He had feelings for me (which made Him a little scared, and He admitted it), and which made me scared because I felt that He was too good for me. Now He doesn't know if He can trust me. What good is any relationship without trust? I could tell that my breakdown hurt Him. When all was settled, and He held me and cuddled me, I could see the pain and confusion in His eyes. I don't want to put Him through anything like that again. I need to work on communication.
About my "breakdown" on Sunday night... I played an emotional mindgame and tried to
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2/21/2008 3:25:20 PM |
Weekend #2 with Him: Things have been working out very well. I like how He treats me - like a respectful woman, and as a submissive. We overcame several obstacles in the past few days. I suffered through a depression and anxiety episode and tried to push Him away because I felt that He was too good for me... I acted up because I wanted Him to yell at me or hit me, but He did not cave in to my crazy, selfish behavior like the other men that I have been with. Like a true dominant, He maintained control and stared down at me and pointed at His feet where I eventually kneeled and learned my place. It was incredible. I had also a great time with His two kids who visited for a few hours, and a brief brush-in with His vanilla ex (the mother). Communication is the key to taking everything in stride. I need to break down some emotional barriers and open myself up.
Weekend #2 with Him: Things have been working out very well. I like how He treats me - like
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2/15/2008 1:56:38 PM |
I am glad that I posted on the CM forum. Someone suggested that I look up "sub frenzie," and so I did. I remember reading Mistress Steel's essay before, but I needed to read it again. I have made some rash and impulsive decisions because of this "urge," especially since joining CM (and when I joined Alt a few years ago). // I am glad to have my head in the clouds, but my feet on the ground. We've been discussing how we rushed into things, and that we need to take a step back. He suggested that we take the physical aspect out of it and see how it affects our "relationship." Also, I should tame my submission and act like a normal human being for a while until the both of us are ready to resume the D/s dynamic in a more healthy fashion.
I am glad that I posted on the CM forum. Someone suggested that I look up "sub fren
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2/14/2008 2:48:45 PM |
This weekend I watched Secretary and The Story of O for the first time. Both movies represent the BDSM/Ds Lifestyle, although different aspects of it. It surprised me how much I can relate to Lee from Secretary. Watching how the story progressed made me tear up. // Had an excellent weekend with a friend from CM who I connect with on many levels. I learned a lot about the Lifestyle, what I should expect from a dominant, and how I should take care of myself. I should only give my submission to One who deserves my respect and who understands and knows how to properly handle it.
This weekend I watched Secretary and The Story of O for the first time. Both movies repr
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2/9/2008 4:06:38 PM |
Earlier I watched The Princess Diaries (I). I feel like the modern, adolescent Mia, who is confronted with becoming a princess, which means that she would have to change everything and accept a new life as a public figure of the country of Genovia. The Queen said that she would have to teach Mia how to talk, eat, dress, and act like a princess. Being scared and childish, Mia denies the situation and runs away screaming. Eventually she learns and begins to accept her place in life. // I feel like Mia because I am just waking up to the reality of my submissive nature and don't know what to do with it. I've been going crazy like a wild, youthful pony that needs to be taken in and trained, disciplined and cherished, shown how beautiful I really am. I need a Mentor to be patient enough and tough enough to turn this lump of coal into a glistening diamond worthy enough to be treasured and to serve the Man of my dreams.
Earlier I watched The Princess Diaries (I). I feel like the modern, adolescent Mia, who is
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2/8/2008 4:48:08 PM |
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Have been reading other people's journals, and one of them mentioned that they did not want anything to do with "flighty, flaky, manipulative, undecided subs"... a description that fits me thoroughly. Just a warning to anyone who is considering pursuing me. I am not worth your time.Have been reading other people's journals, and one of them mentioned that they did not want an
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2/6/2008 11:34:15 AM |
Although the foolish decisions that I have made were not "failures" or "mistakes," but in fact turned out to be enjoyable, I have realized how dangerous they could have been. I need to be more careful, to proceed more slowly. I have a lot to offer and can't just give myself away to anyone. // The Man that I was with this past weekend introduced me to a submissive woman who I hope I will learn a lot from. I appreciate the friendship that will grow and the chance to talk with someone who can understand me.
Although the foolish decisions that I have made were not "failures" or "mistake
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2/5/2008 4:56:47 PM |
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So far this month I have been very impulsive, jumping into situations that I should have seriously thought about before putting myself into them. But here I am tonight, sore from an intense B&D session, still wondering whether I belong in the Lifestyle, or if I should step out of it for a while. // Last night, I cried tears of fear and of pain. I can't take very much pain: I cringed at the slightest tap of the crop and began to wail when it stung, even though I have felt the crop before. My knees ached after I crawled across the carpet. I whimpered and yelped as my nipples were twisted and put into clamps. My breasts are sore from being bound. My throat is sore from being face-fucked. Were all the sensations so intense because He got into my mind? // I am very fragile, physically and emotionally. He made me realize that, and I am sure that that was His intention. I need to work out my emotional issues, to get my life together before pursuing something so intense as this Lifestyle. I should also look before I leap; I need to stop meeting people in real life after only a few hours of chatting online.So far this month I have been very impulsive, jumping into situations that I should have serio
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2/3/2008 2:53:46 PM |
I need to do some soul searching. What do I want? What are my needs? What am I able to handle, at the moment? My first, automatic answer is "I don't know". But that is not satisfactory for anyone. I need to dig deeper. I need to stop turning away from what I see and actually learn about who I am.Someone sent me a link to "The Training of O" website (http://www.thetrainingofo.com). Wow, it's really something. The intense, impersonal BDSM training sessions that these women subject themselves to... I could never handle such a situation. A lot of the activities that are done, the focus on sexual acts, the physical and mental endurance, the humiliation, the pushing beyond boundaries, the strict discipline. It makes me cringe from fear and disgust. There are many things that I would not consent to, and would leave if I had to put up with them. Part of me, however, feels something else when I read the "training goals," the recommendations, and the information about the girl undoing this treatment. // I want to learn, to explore, to laugh and to cry, to willingly slip onto my knees, but also to be forced to confront things that I normally wouldn't (or can't). // I really don't know what I can handle at the moment.
I need to do some soul searching. What do I want? What are my needs? What am I able to ha
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2/2/2008 5:10:38 PM |
Again I messed things up. Conversation is awkward, and there is much misunderstanding. As always, I jump into something impulsively, without thinking.
Again I messed things up. Conversation is awkward, and there is much misunderstanding.&#
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2/1/2008 1:49:44 PM |
Had a wonderful experience last night where I learned about myself. I was very nervous; I did not know what to expect. He is right - I do not like answering questions straight out. I closed up like a blooming flower in reverse. What am I afraid of? He knows that there are many things that I avoid. // There was something in his eyes that made me want something more than what I originally had thought. His manner; he knows what he wants and he will get it, yet he is not stubborn. I was respected. Everything was consensual. // What a slut I was. I wanted to do anything to please. I pranced around like a bitch in heat. I wanted to please. I wanted to be a good girl. I wanted to give more than what I am able to. I am not capable of handling what he is seeking. // What is a slut? A girl who cannot keep her legs closed? A girl who is skilled at pleasing, and knows how to elicit someone to give her pleasure? A girl who goes from one man to the next, faces blurring together, personalities forgotten? A girl who cannot get enough sex, who is insatiable? Slut is a dirty word, a naughty word. Being a slut makes me feel wonderful, but also makes me feel empty, disgusting, fake. // There was a connection, and that has me scared. I want to be honest, but no words feel right to explain. I feel like I was someone (something?) that I was not.
Had a wonderful experience last night where I learned about myself. I was very nervous; I d
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1/31/2008 10:14:17 AM |
I yearn for something that I can't put my finger on.
I yearn for something that I can't put my finger on
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