, particularly those who live in a 24/7 Master/slave or Owner/property dynamic.

2/2/2010 10:45:52 PM: WARNING... VERY LONG. MAY BE USEFUL FOR SLEEPLESS NIGHTS BEFORE BED.
i am mayafire, a name i made up myself when i discovered BDSM. Sir has not indicated that he wants me to change this name and calls me janice. i do love to hear the stories of how other slaves got their names from their Masters and what those names mean. But to date, and since entering the lifestyle, mine has remained mayafire.
i am 54 years old, divorced for almost 13 years after 16 years of marriage, and the mother of two fantabulous children: a 25 year old daughter who is a Senior Designer in a small graphic design firm in Manhattan, and a 23 year old son who just entered Medical School in Queensland. i have been an empty nester for a few years.
i am a Master's level nutritionist who was one of only four Public Health Nutritionists back in the old National Health Service Corps under the Carter administration. i worked in community nutrition as a Registered Dietitian and Certified Nutritionist for over 25 years until just over six years ago when i became a Realtor. i love the up and down type stresses and action of real estate and the flexible hours, though it does have stress and the money is sporadic.
i have a passion for live music, especially the jam bands, though my tastes are quite broad. i also love art, travel, nature, metaphysics, intellectual conversation, contemplation, and laughing with friends. my interests are varied and i've lived a great life, in general.
With regard to the lifestyle, i didn't really discover this side of me until I was in college. Before then, however, I did have fantasies of being held captive and sexually dominated by a man. Usually the scenario was that I was in some type of accident and woke up naked in bed in a strange man's house. I was never 'abducted' or there by choice!
my first fantasy Dominant, now don't laugh!! as a four year old, was Chuck Connors who played 'The Rifleman'. While most little girls dreamed about Dr. Kildare, i liked the tough, dominant law enforcer!
In college, my live-in boyfriend brought home Penthouse magazines on a regular basis. i thought he was getting them for the photos of naked women, but years later he said he noticed I was always horny after reading them and that's why he kept bringing them home. In the 'Forum' section there would occasionally be a fascinating and exciting story involving S&M. i'd read these over and over and started having spanking and, eventually, masochistic SM fantasies where i was dominated by a man. i continued to read Penthouse Forum. Forget the hearts and flowers and 'bulging at the seams' stuff! Over time my fantasies became more hard core and i wondered if i were a masochist or really a sadist? Because, after all, how could a masochist think of these things? i was confused, though i was always the recipient of scenes like being ordered to do things i was embarrassed about, crawling naked with a leash to some apparatus where i was bent over and spread couldn't get away from the ensuing scene. Sometimes i'd have to crawl and get a riding crop or other implement and crawl back with it in my mouth before i was restrained (btdt now!). These types of fantasies occurred after I read 'The Story of O'.
i did have one or two boyfriends in college and grad school who liked to play 'struggle games' or hold my wrists behind me while kissing me. i loved this stuff but still didn't come to a realization about anything kinky.
i continued to have spanking fantasies but never spoke of them to anyone.
During grad school i met my future husband and he was kinky. We were more adventurous with each other than with previous partners. It was my first experience in playing with toys with a partner. We tried a little spanking and bondage and occasionally bought new toys, but it wasn't all that satisfying so we just continued as kinky vanilla people through our relationship... when we had sex, that is.
Late in the marriage, and pre-divorce, i started having serious spanking fantasies again. i had a lover who would tie me up and play 'Master/slave' sometimes and also spank or strap me with his belt... all in play. i loved it but wanted more and asked him to spank me until i cried. He wouldn't do it because just the little bit bruised me so. Our sex and relationship was amazingly different than any we had encountered before. He would make me do different things and even though i sometimes found them humiliating, i always complied. He also was controlling, not in a domineering way, about my life outside of the bedroom. Years later i realized we had a D/s relationship in almost every way, but neither of us knew what 'd/s' or the lifestyle or any of that was.
It was also around this time that I purchased my first set of nipple clamps and a butt plug at 'Good Vibrations' in San Francisco. i also bought a book of vintage spanking pics. OMG! Non-stop masturbation while i wore the clips and pulled on them while looking at some of the pics.
Enter the Beauty Series books by Anne Rice! And so my thoughts and fantasies excelled back and more deeply into dominance and submission and hard core S&M.
During my divorce, when i began dating, i seriously wanted to only find guys who would spank me. i didn't want to date anyone woosy and was tunnel visioned into only finding those who would be into this type of foreplay. i cruised the Internet for 'ouch' pictures and traded them with a kinky male cousin who shared my interests. i also shared stories with him about some of the kinky things my former lover would have me do.
During this time, i met a lifestyle Dominant completely by accident. i never even heard the word 'dominant' used as a noun! i met this guy as a friend through a single parents group and he happened to be the host for the next event. We started emailing and one day i sent him one of the 'ouch' pictures of a woman getting spanked. He freaked out a bit and i tried to back track. It was then that he came out as being a spanker and a 'dominant' and that he had been in the lifestyle his whole life; he thought he had been outed when i sent the pic. i had never heard of a 'lifestyle' or 'session' or 'dominant' or 'submissive' or 'limits' but knew what a spanker was! i was utterly and completely fascinated by it all. i asked a zillion questions. His written words hung in my mind and were fodder for masturbation every chance i got. And he always wrote in bold font... so the words had even more psychological impact.
Over some period of time of online discussion i dared myself to go to his house to get spanked. i had been putting it off and just doing the online talking thing for a couple of months. Over this period i remember saying 'i don't have to call you Sir or Master or anything, do i?'.
So... i went to his house. It was awkward. We talked a bit and he gave me a greeting card relating to my ensuing divorce and life and it was lighthearted and warm and made me feel good. We went out to dinner and i was nervous as he insinuated the spanking that would occur later. When we went back to his place he showed me his toy drawer, probably expecting me to say 'ooh... i'd love to try that'. But i just looked and felt awkward. We sat on his bed and watched a spanking video when he suddenly said 'roll over'. He lifted my skirt and started spanking me and OMG.... i was on fire! i started tearing off my clothing. He had a hand on my breast as he was spanking me and later said it was like my nipple was boring a hole through his hand.
i continued to get together with him and the spankings got more intense and bondage and other things were slowly introduced. He was a little heavy handed, as some other submissives later described him... but i just kept going back for more and got involved on an emotional level. i had trouble sitting a lot but was dizzy with all that was happening.
i broke off with another guy i was seeing because all i wanted was this stuff relating to spanking and paddling and bondage and 'those words'... the words i always replayed in my head. Things like 'You are mine to do what i want with, whenever i want'. It was the stuff of fantasy, but it was actually reality.
As things got more intense he sometimes (i don't know how he did this without my noticing) called my phone machine at home and recorded the sounds of our scene, the sound of impact and my moans and screams of excitement and release. When i checked my messages on the way home, i would hear this and it would bring back the session. Of course, i erased them before the kids came home from their dad's! But hearing my passion and excitement from BDSM cemented all that was happening even more.
Then came the 'i must be sick' part. i cried and worried a lot because i felt there must be something wrong with me to like all these things. He talked me through it and kept telling me that i should be enjoying it and the beauty of it and that what we were doing wasn't sick at all. But i still had this period of upset over liking what we were doing.. and more importantly, how much i loved and craved it.
i spent two years, four months with this man as his submissive. Over this period i became fascinated that there was a 'scene' out there! He told me about a local munch group and i really wanted to meet others of like minds. We went to a few parties and munches and i was like a fish in water. i got the frenzies and wanted to explore more and more and more.
i owe much to this dominant, my first 'Master'. He took my hand and lovingly led me into this lifestyle. i wasn't as 'slavey' or even maybe as submissive as he would have liked. Perhaps it was his style or perhaps it wasn't my time and i needed further growth and exploration. Whatever it was, i needed to move on. We are still friends to this day, though i would never see him or break Sir's trust.
i then met my second Dom at a munch. It is with him that Albany Power eXchange, the largest and first incorporated BDSM group in upstate New York was founded. He and i spent seven years together. We went to many national events and explored another facet of this lifestyle.
But i had become discontent after about three years because in the course of living together, the kids being home, APeX, and life... our relationship became what a slave friend of mine termed 'vanilla BDSM'. We still played, ran the group, and frequented national events. i was miserable but couldn't kick this fine man, and the father-figure to my children, out of the house. i started setting up false accounts on alt and collarme, with his knowledge. He knew i needed more than he was giving, and to be fair, i wasn't giving him what he needed either. The problem with living with someone who used to be your Dom and going out looking for another Dom is that you can't really be emotionally available for someone else. Any time an online Dom pushed the right buttons i'd freak and hide my account. i just wasn't ready, even though my eyes were open.
After this man moved out, after the kids were in college, i became ready! i re-instituted the off and on lifestyle ads and shortly thereafter met Sir. OMG... i knew, just knew, that this was different. i was scared of my feelings in so short of a time and also, it seemed too fast... too soon. i was JUST starting to get out there again!! But there was something about Sir that seemed to click with what i wanted and needed. His situation and views seemed to be a counterpoint to my own. But how could that be? He wasn't what i was looking for with regard to everything else in life? But i know, and my friend slave demona said, that when you find your true Master, all your laundry list of criteria fly out the window. she gave me a mantra, which i printed in large font and taped to my bathroom mirror:
ENJOY IT. YOUR INSTINCTS WILL GUIDE YOU. FORGET ABOUT THE REST.
my instincts were that of slave! It seemed impossible!
The thing is... i identified for almost a decade as a submissive. i was NOT a slave! Although my closest friends in the lifestyle were slaves, it was not who i was. my idea of slave was from message boards and the fantasy driven 'slavier than thou' rhetoric that was not 'me'. BUT... i was having slave feelings! i recognized them immediately. i called all my slave friends. i read everything there was to read on consensual slavery and internal enslavement. i was getting the frenzies in a new way. It took months to come to terms with my feelings, with Sir's help and guidance. He recognized the slave in me almost immediately and nurtured it.
The most difficult hurdle was actually accepting the fact that i am a slave. That took another few months. Sure, i could say i had slave feelings. i could say he was my Master. But say i was a slave? Not on your life! i journalled and blogged alot, though i had never done it before. It was a way of coming to terms with the things that were happening both inside me and in the relationship with Sir. But once i had that 'ah hah' moment, there was no turning back. Everything that i had misunderstood or thought for a decade suddenly washed away. Things were crystal clear and i felt a peace and joy... although a bit scared... than i had ever known. i had never, ever felt that way before. i thought Sir was G-d!! my whole being and world revolved around him. It still does, but now i know he isn't The Lord Almighty!
Sir and i met real time almost three years ago, about two weeks after daily phone interaction. He collared me shortly after that. We saw each other once during the week, and on weekends, with daily phone contact, for over a year. In July 2007 he moved into my existing home and here we are today. It is challenging. my thoughts of how things would be are not what they are in reality. There seems to be a perpetual shift. i changed and often act in ways that both Sir and i are not happy with. i am CONSCIOUS of what i do when i do it or say it during these lapses in attitude. i thought i was 'there'...wherever there is... and then all of a sudden challenge after challenge, mostly with internal dialogue and attitude, comes flying out of me! This 'G-d' is a human man with human qualities. Damn! That laundry list has appeared and fleeted before my eyes here and there!
Life in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is life. It doesn't change who Sir and i are inside or to each other, who is the Master, who is the slave, the power and authority exchange that is our life, my complete devotion and commitment to him, or the constant knowledge that internal enslavement is what i want and need with Sir. i keep setting some imaginary bar now about how i 'should' be... the stuff i said wasn't 'me'. But my slave friends, the Real ones, the ones who have been around real time and 24/7 for a long time, keep me grounded about the fantasy i keep setting for myself and failing at. i am ever evolving, our M/s relationship is evolving, and i am looking forward to writing my second novella (you have just read my first!) in another year or two.
my new mantra, for almost two years, is:
DON'T LET PERFECT GET IN THE WAY OF BETTER.
adapted from a post written 5/30/09
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10/17/2008 12:38:35 AM: Someone posted a question asking what types of service submissives like to do for their Dom/mes. Service takes many forms, including being supportive and pleasing to one's Dominant. What is service to one can be displeasing or annoying to another. In the past I found that I was used to being of service in a particular way to my Dominant, only to find that my next Dominant was quite opposite in a number of the behaviors and service he preferred. It's all valuable experience and we each bring forth that which we learned and developed along the way to become more well-rounded individuals.I found it is best to take cues from one's Dominant and incorporate the rules and protocols of that relationship to form the basis of your service.
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8/23/2008 1:06:13 AM: All submissives look within themselves and dissect their submission; many times will come up when they ask themselves if they are really submissive at all. Yet, certain things creep in again and again that get our juices flowing or our antennas up where we 'feel' something inside that tells us we are submissive. The thoughts, fantasies, feelings of wanting to be controlled by another person with regard to our intimate relationship are strong cues. For some it remains fantasy and for others who are lucky enough to find their counterpart, it becomes reality. We all... slaves and submissives alike, will have sporadic internal thoughts of defiance. This is a normal process as we strive to live a life that sometimes seems counter to how we were raised or who we are outside of our primary power exchange relationship. The 'ah hah' that we even Have those thoughts says much with regard to our submission. Also, any negative reactions or the 'not saying it out loud' becomes more controlled or reduces over time. But they will still occur here and there. The fact is that we are human, as are our Dominants. That makes the power exchange even more special. Every slave i have ever known has been an amazingly strong and assertive individual. And we all know that our Masters are human, whether we look at them in a 'G-dlike' manner or not. As for surrender... not everyone can surrender themselves to another. It is an extremely vulnerable process; one that many struggle with for long periods of time. Perhaps it is semantics, but i feel that submission and surrender are very different. In my opinion, submission is more the physical and, often, temporary or on and off. Surrender is of the mind, body, soul in a more long term way. i know i am simplifying this, but it's somewhat how i see it. How do you get from submission to surrender? Only you can find your path to that. But i will say that the feelings of vulnerability, pride, ego, and all of that can come up and get in the way. But if thoughts of surrender keep niggling at you, then you know you are on the journey of a deeper submission. my old friend slave demona told me something when i first met Sir. i told her i was having 'slave feelings'. Although i never identified that way i was aware of the difference in how i was feeling about him, and reacting to him. Her words became my mantra, which i printed out in large font and taped to my bathroom mirror. They helped immensely: 'ENJOY IT. YOUR INSTINCTS WILL GUIDE YOU. FORGET ABOUT THE REST.' 
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8/21/2008 8:10:28 AM: About six years ago there was a heated discussion on a local message board regarding a couple of slaves who posted they would do Anything for their Masters and, if told, would jump off a cliff. For most of the readers, including myself, it was preposterous and bordered the absurd. i mean, really... they would jump off a cliff?? Just because Master said so? Come on!About eight months ago i had another epiphany in the transition from submissive to slave. With the intense communication, connection, love, and trust i have for my Master i realized that if he told me to jump off a cliff i would do so. It was a shocking realization. Part of the 'ah hah' that made the difference is that the trust and connection is So deep, i know in my heart of hearts that he would never do anything to harm me in any way whatsoever. i trust him that much. If he said to jump there is no doubt in my mind that he would be there to catch me.Part of the sub/slave debate is the degree of 'giving up' you do for your Master. In giving up mind, body, soul you gain so much more!It's growth and a confidence of both self and the relationship. You literally will do 'anything' for that person. When you give up control to another you (hopefully) do so to someone who will cherish and nurture the gift of service and surrender. When people speak of 'no will' it is actually consensual non-consent. You know in your heart of hearts that your Master/Mistress is there for you, with you, and will never let you fall to harm.There are many slaves who excel in careers, who engage in activities where the Master isn't physically present. They may not bephysically present but they are there all the time, guiding and reassuring from the inside-out. Masters want their slaves to be thebest they can be in all ways and most do not restrict that personal growth.i had many preconceptions of what a slave is 'supposed' to be. i was none of those things. They arose from fantasy and erotic fiction andthe ridiculous 'slavier than thou' rhetoric i used to read on the internet chat boards. It's none of those things. It's in the heart and mind and soul of a person. It's in the intense connection with someone you trust with your life to guide you to the best of their abilities. Many people think it's the Master who chooses the 'worthy' slave. It is also the slave who chooses the worthy Master; someone who can safely take them on that journey into the world of M/s.Of all the key components, communication is number one. A good Master will watch, listen, and read his slave and weave his/her ownneeds into that of their slave because, as Sir says, an unhappy slave doesn't serve as well as one who is fulfilled.mayafireslave of Master Jeff