December 14th:
Well, i am In His care now, and think that i will put this profile away- eventually pull the plug.
Once happiness finds you, there is no need for this.
Friends- you can always find me on the email address on aol that you have, and on fetlife and my live journal.
Southern Cross will go on, full force. My knight in shining armor loves community and is looking forward to helping create the next 20 years of our lives.
December 9th, 09.
The year is coming to an end, and i have almost 3 years behind me now. 2 years 2 months since the uncollaring, and over a year of what i like to think of as 'healthy' living (not that slavery is not heatlhy! i mean living as a free slave without the baggage that eats at a girl).
New friends have come into my life, and i have said goodbye to a few older ones that were not working.
And i have a new focus.
Happy holidays folks.
~~~~~
June 8 09: Well, here we are 2+ years out, and 1 whole year since i felt ready to date again and find new love. i love the idea that there is a new world out there with some new leader in my life, but it scares me a bit too. i know i have lost/forgotten some of that training, and that i have grown a bit more jaded about life since i first came back out.
If You are a sincere man that doesn't like the idea of a woman writer that is very biographical, i am not the one for You. If You don't like antiques or a pack rat mentality (that needs a firm leash to help her cut down), then i am not the one for You. If You don't like to read, go to movies, snuggle with me naked at Your feet, or keep Your girl under Your thumb and know where she is all the time, i am not the one for You.
i have 3 more years at least to raise a darling son, so i won't be relocating any time immediately- but i think that just gives us time to get completely sure of forever.
Every day it's a little harder being alone. Let's make it easier.
~~~~
Sept 8:
Spoke with my ex today. Still in love, 16 months later. i am tired and have lost all interest in game playing or in dating anyone that doesn't have the ability to really enter into a real relationship (i.e. if you are married stop reading now and go home).
Tired of flirting and trying to fill in the time with useless stuff.
i remember what *loved/owned* was.
Now i just have to wait for it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aug 12..
i am starting this part over today--- i needed to vent from some VERY bad mails that came in.
i know better than to indulge the notion that they are worth the time or effort... but sometimes, it's irritating.
******
Well, we have another update..
Yes, i am still searching... it almost hurts to say that, for over the last 8 weeks i have been in sincere and growing contact with a wonderul Master from the public leather community, well respected and kind, who has woven a spell in my heart after all those months of pain and loss--- i would be willing to forgo many things for this man- but the distance between us (3,000 miles) is more than we both feel we can successfully navigate, and He is married-- something that precludes my own place in 'happily ever after'.
He demands i continue the search... i comply, reluctantly.
Are *you* the one that will capture my heart, become the light and center of my world, and give me the Owner that takes what He wants and gives all He has?
*****
Unowned slave with long serious M/s experience seeking permanent situation but willing to consider Mr. Right Now (attached men with room in their lives) while looking for Mr. Right (unattached man seeking LTR 24-7) forever and ever and ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i have a huge live journal i have been working on and about a month ago realized i could set up a date bio there too:
http://community.livejournal.com/bdsm_dating/
i encurage folks to put up something...
this is mine:
A great owner, a worthy partner, and a fun public player with style.
Dominant male, age not firm but close to mine (50).
Attitude is everything.
Read my various journals and bios for info on me and what i am looking for.
You: stable. Financially secure. Sick twisted fuck.
Working dick. Preferably all the time:)
No
other women in your life- no wives, no girlfriends, no roommates, no
ex-lovers, no kinda old fuck friends, preferably no damned female pets.
Serious,
experienced... you don't need to know technique, but should know the
prime directive, what it is that fuels this, and have your head
comfortably wrapped around attention sluts, strong slaves, educated
partners, MAsT, and old guard ideals of respect, integrity, dignity and
TPE.
Confidence is very sexy, arrogance is not.
You like motorbikes... Harleys make ya grin.
You
love women-- all kinds of women. You love to push them and make them
cry and ruin their makeup and cram your dick down their throat while
they scream and make them pee themselves and tie them up and stoke
their hair and tuck them in when they are sick and watch over them like
precious gems or treasured pets. You want someone that has a strong
opinion on almost everything but knows when to shut the fuck up. She
can take care of your business if you need it without much direction,
yet you still want to grant permission for basic bodily functions. You
want to take a razor to her regularly, and right now you are fine with
keeping the toy safe and cute-- but reserve the right to someday cut a
hole in it to fuck, take a cigar to it at will, or share it with your
friends. You love long hair and movies and books and music and
listening to her talk about almost anything, and want to use her
anywhere at any time for any reason without question.
You
appreciate the difference between humiliation and degradation,
submission and Ownership, and swear never to fall so far in love that
you undermine the M/s.
You understand Beast and beast meat and pursuit.
You like kids and animals and loud rock and roll and watching her put cut flowers in a vase and fires at midnight.
You
have your taste in what she wears and are not above picking out her
lipstick or eyeshadow... or a female partner to fuck her while you
watch.
You have baggage and don't mind an occasional brooding moment but don't let it drag you away from life and what she brings.
You
love the ocean, the mountains, history, travel, field trips, tours,
photography, meat- steak!- and taking control of things that you truly
are good at handling, especially focusing your property in the right
directions and encouraging her where you want her to go.
You have no
problem with adding to your household over the years, after all, slaves
need staff and bi women need nipples to suck too.
You know she hates
that shit, but she does it cause she wants to give it to you. She wants
to please you. She wants to see that look on your face of total
happiness and satisfaction in your property.
You are not afraid of
public dungeons or the occasional convention, and understand that she
has a lot of scene connections that will need to be severed as slowly
as any other family when we move on.
You have no problem being the
biggest Alpha male in the room and making sure that it is quietly
understood that no one fucks with you or yours. Period.
You know you need that slave even more than she needs you, and that it is harder to be the servant than the master.
You
fit at least 60% of that stuff written above at any given time and
respect the ideals trying to be expressed, because i know that VERY few
people are going to fit 100% of that all the time.
You write legibly and know how spell check works.
You
have NEVER said "on your knees bitch" to anyone you hadn't negotiated
with first (or as a joke) and taken control of with consent.
SSC is not your style, but RACK isn't bad, and you understand and respect folks that aim for either......
You know or will learn how to throw a 4' snake. You respect and love the smell of leather- and identify as Leather.
You
want a woman that will crawl across broken glass for You, and somewhere
in Your head, You know that if You find the woman You seek, You would
crawl through fire to get her and bring her home.
~~~~~~~
May 4th
i have been writing a lot in my journal at live journal... putting in the time to sort out all the things still in my head, my heart.
Time does amazing things to us-- it deadens the fierce perfection of love and makes feeling happy less of a knife.
But i still remember... every moment... just less often these days.
i have been *very* ill lately, got to work on getting healthy, and getting financially better too. One thing at a time.
Service- finding that one man who's eyes find mine across the room and tell me 'everything is alright'-- that's a priority as well.
April 15...
5 days to anniversary of devastation, some days are better than others.
i have had a LOT of good happy things lately, but i also am seeing so many people that are so DAMAGED and expect that to be the norm..
i want to put the damage behind me.
i want to find something even better than perfection and wake up singing every day and crawl on my naked hands and knees into bed every night, and look into His eyes and find the most beautiful sexual balanced fulfilled human in the world looking down at me with a pride that makes us both explode and sweat.
i want lots of things... it's not easy being green.
Yes, those digressions are part and parcel of me. i write. i think. i read. i Expect a man that has the sexual engine of a 20 year old and the self control of a saint, a place for me, and time to do this.
i am on bondage as i999shadow and on alt under another name...
live journals under i999shadow and, since the world ended, new journal as sharon_masters. Nothing like being outed to make your life transparent.
i have fears just like you do.
i have hopes just like you do.
i will know *home* when i meet you and the heat melts the sidewalk between us, and the old souls we are know each other instantly.
*****************
**UPDATE**
If YOU are using the words "discrete" to mean you are a married cheating person, do not bother.
i will never date a married man again.
i am out to my estranged spouse and will stay married for financial reasons until things change here bank book wise.
Married--- i have been innoculated, thank you very much.
HI. It is March 25, and i went out today to get some closure. Saw the man who owned me, left me, and has moved on so completely that none of us exist anymore.
Devastated? Not anymore... sad, lost really- unsure how to move.
i *have* learned that in my head, i am ready to date farther afield, with intent of moving in/on with the right man when my son is ready to graduate his private school.
He is 14.5 and will be with me longer than the normal teen, high function aspergers guarantees that college will be a bit of a strain.
But i want to sell the house, make amends with my estranged husband, and find permanence for my shredded soul. Don't know *how* to do any of that, fear of so much has put the walls higher than they used to be.
But then again, i have more to lose with each passing day, so i need to become more willing to reach out.
Are you the man?
***********
Hello...
i am shadow.
i am not what you see.
i am ephemeral, a flitting slight of hand, a pale imitation of life.
i am in limbo now, walking through the hours
waiting for the light again.
******
i am starting over (over of over... )and looking - nay- searching for that next great love/Owner/ Master (s).
i need someone who GETS M/s, isn't afraid of public contact / play/ events, can stand up to me and cannot be manipulated, isn't looking for 24/7 immediately, and really loves both Edge play and knows the difference between humiliation and degradation.
Someone that wants service, and yet knows real from real. Who wants to control everything... but is willing to be offered the hard parts.
Who is into history, reading, movies, music, understanding my child, putting up with my rants, and wants first and foremost to have both of us taking CARE of each other.
Who puts his slave first in his head when it comes to her safety and her life, but has no problem being a greedy selfish bastard.
Who loves anal and likes the idea of blood as lube.
Who knows how the hair grab works, but also how to hold a crying child or cradle a slave in heat.
Who finds screams attractive, but really gets off on the other things i scream.
Who knows what beast meat is, seriously has considered just how far is the far side of the edge, and doesn't think they can bully someone into slavery or submission (because i would probably either take out their eye or kill someone outright who was stupid enough to pull a "domly dom" moment.
Who makes enough money to afford to play weekly, travel a few times a year, and keep up their own home.
Who doesn't have a police record of any serious import (unless you have been arrested for political rally incidents- that might ADD points).
A man or monster that walks with integrity and doesn't need to lie to himself, let alone others.
Who understands and is not daunted by huge baggage and high walls and a rebound of biblical porportions from the love of my life who was *the* most respected Master in most of Northern California, and who still lives in my eyes as perfect, even now.
Who understands that i will cut you apart like raw chicken if i find a weakness.
Cause in my head, baby, i'm afraid you don't know where it is.
****
Update Jan 28th.. WOW!
Talk about hostile frightened dangerously wanton... i cannot believe that i not only wrote all that (was that honest?) but that several of you lovely folks actually responded!
Yes, it's been 9 months now since i last saw my first/only collared Master, and 3.5 since our leather family created an uncollaring ceremony for me. i have been unable to really function as a single healthy woman again-- there are parts of my life i just cannot force myself to do alone. Procrastination reigns supreme.
i know now that i NEED to live the rest of my life enslaved-- happily finding ways to give those things in me to someone that i trust enough to take them, honor them, respect them (shared values) and yet use them against me in the good ways.
i have been battling my tendency to martyrdom these last months--- sure i want to wait forever and see if my Owner of past will return and claim me... but friends keep telling me that i have to MOVE-- i have to find a place now, or die. Find a new life path, a new future- or perish in my tears.
i know i need play to release a lot of this, but i won't play casually, and i won't play with one of the 20+ honorable kind men i know in the BDSM scene-- they are friends, they are kind souls that not only do not NEED to see the ugly parts in here, but that are already 'friends' that i rely on in other ways... i cannot cross that boundary with them, i see them and their frailties all too well.
i need to find another man i call 'God' (Master said 'nope, just God-like" laughingly with a smile for years.... now it is verboten to talk of), another man that the FIRST time i lay eyes on Him i feel that thrust of lust, that smell of power, and my inner voice licks at the edge and says "yesssssssssssss".
i am more than willing to start that conversation.... i just do not know how many steps i can take before i fall, how many e-mails i can write before i pull away.
Or before i find "home".
i need to add that ONLY serious males within a reasonable distance of me (and those planning to become so) should write- i am not in the mood to start a long distance cyber/phone relationship, nor do i believe in spending months or years before meeting someone. If you are out of state (country) (area) and are not planning on moving here soon (and are not travelling here regularly already), then i am not for you. If you *are* already travelling here regularly and there is a serious probability that you will be living here withn month (if not weeks), then yes, we could begin that dance.
****
Irritations from Aug 10th 08:
HI. i have to update this today, due to a rash of interesting mail.
If you do not have a photo on line, please include one when you contact me. i have offered mine already.
Please
do NOT write me if you cannot write in complete sentences, use correct
punctuation, or find yourself in need of telling me that you want to
fuck me.
i doubt that any intelligent female would give you the time
of day, but i KNOW i won't. i WILL however turn you in to CM and have
you banned for such behaviors. Grow up asshole!
Please do
NOT write me and tell me what a lousy slave i must be if i am not a
doormat to your bad manners and immediate demands.
If you think
that signing on to Collar me and proclaiming your dominance is all that
it takes to have 'slaves' come to you, and get all huffy when we real
women tell you to "fuck off" (in a polite and reasonably intelligent
manner that uses small words so your brain won't freeze trying to
figure out that you have insulted us), you are wrong, and it is my
pleasure to enlighten you.
SLAVE is not interchangeable with
VANILLA SLUT, and we are not easy cheerleaders or women that will just
show up somewhere when you order it.
YOU-- HERE- NOW- are our
*equal*, and until i know you and trust you well enough to begin that
long arduous dance towards total power exchange, and i suggest that if
you don't get that, consider just how comfortable you would be with
your mother, sister, or daughter finding someone JUST LIKE YOU here and
doing what they said.
This is a place to DATE.. M/s needs dating
just as much as anything else (barring having someone gift you their
property or being in a poly household) and asking a woman to put her
life in your hands is going to require more than just your chest
thumping.
Get over yourself if that is what you are seeking in THIS profile.
Aug 10,08
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