, so at this point, I am only looking to make friends in the lifestyle. Cheers! :)

11/3/2009 7:51:23 AM: So there is a joke that runs in our circles:  What is the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?    About three years...  It is a joke, but like many jokes, it contains a thread of truth in it - the truth of evolution.    This is a path to enlightenment just as sure as any other.  It is the realization of self.     
Self - something that is understood for most by age 3 to 5.  For the
future crossdresser/transperson/genderqueer/etc. the realization is not
self, but difference.      Society does not embrace
difference - even to a 5 year old that distinction is perfectly clear. 
Further, as a child, most of us do not have the reasoning capacity to
understand our difference - we just know that we are different.  When I tried to play with dolls, I had all dolls taken away from me - even GIJoe.  When I played with my sister's makeup and perfume, I was punished...    It does not take long before such a child learns new words that take on a different context - hide, deny, repress...    You want to be a girl, but you can't, and so as you get a bit older, you learn a new term in a new context - objectify...  Girls become wonderful, amazing, incredible...    Now take yourself through puberty.  Hormones rage and that objectification turns sexual.  You learn how to masturbate, and what do you fantasize about - being Her...    But you cannot be Her.  The closest you can come is her trappings - clothing, makeup, shoes.  And so eventually you start dressing...but you are still in hiding.  As you translate into a young adult, you discover computers, and porn...what do you go looking for?  People like you.    Crossdress porn leads quickly to femdom porn and to the concept of Forced Feminization...  There's a lot of that stuff out there and if you don't know any better, you could easily mistake fantasy for education.   You are repressed, you are in hiding, the real you is not accepted...you need to let these feelings in you out!  For a time, the concept of being forced to do this thing can bring some relief and rationalization is a wonderful thing and very easy for humans to do.  Your urges become fetishishized...    Hopefully, and this is a critical step...you eventually reason. 
None of the real girls you know are anything like the women in all this
porn you have been lapping up.  Further, you are getting on in life and
isn't it time to come to grips with this thing inside you?  Maybe the library...or perhaps you know someone who is homosexual...yea, maybe I can figure this out...keep it from blowing the top of my head off every year or so from the repression.  Maybe you need counseling...maybe you find a group...    Maybe you are 22, 35, or 66 when this finally happens and you finally end up in a place of authenticity...peace...and finally a realization of ...self...      I am going to ask people who are reading this to understand that there is an evolution to self that is going on in everyone you meet or encounter who is crossdressing or trans or genderqueer.  It is important that we try to perceive where they are in that journey...    Many of these people are very repressed and disturbed because society does not allow them to be who they really are without consequence.  We here on CM see a lot of folk that are just in that initial stage of reason.  They are casting about for understanding but they are still deeply repressed and their feelings are highly fetishized.   
It is easy to encounter someone either before or in the early stages of
reason about their gender identity, have a negative reaction, and think
- wow, all people like that are just fucked up.    But
I see a lot of generalizations about crossdressers and trans folk as a
whole in posts.  I guess that I would encourage people to look at a
crossdresser or transperson and try to evaluate where they are in their
evolution.  Meet them not with judgement and condescention, but
perception and understanding and compassion.  It is not an easy road...   
Don't dismiss as a group, but evaluate the person.  As I said in my
earlier post, there are males who have girlie leanings in all types who
want to have real D/s relationships.  Who understand that S&M does
not mean "stand and model", who are actually looking to serve.  And who have taken the time to sort out their baggage and evolve into authenticity and self.   
I certainly get and honor the fact that there are Ladies out there that
are not into girlie males from the aspect of sexual or social
attraction.  Not your thing, no worries.    And I get that
there are people for whom being smashed flat with a clue would not
help...in all groups and walks of life - girlie boys are not excluded
and we have seen a few come through here.    But I hope that
before we dismiss, mock, or scorn someone who we encounter, we would
use our reason and perception to try to actually see them.  See where they are in their journey...and maybe do a thing or two to help them along.

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9/1/2009 3:55:53 AM: Satiating the Beast...
You girlie boys know what I am talking about...the DESIRE, the NEED, the WANT, to feel girlie. To dress and BE and FEEL what you are not outside, but what you ARE inside, what you maybe have denied yourself for many years...it can become an obsession, and not in a good way.Those on the outside, you Ladies have likely seen it in your sub or others and maybe it has given you a negative hit or impression of the girlie boy type.Desire becomes Obsession, Obsession becomes FetishI have been there with all the fantasy, the sexual arousal that clothing brings, all I can think about, all I can talk about...it can frankly be a beast that lives you rather than you living it. It can get in the way of your job, your relationships, your life...I have heard this from multiple girlie boys...not just my own experience.A dozen years ago, a therapist told me that I had to give this girl part of me space. That if I wanted to feel as if it were not running my life, I had to honor it.So space and honor were given. Once a month, in private...kept the top of my head from blowing off, but did little else to satiate the almost constant thoughts and need. I did this for nearly a decade.I only now understand what he really meant by giving my girl space and honor...For the past year, I have nearly every day had the opportunity to dress and be my authentic self with a wonderful person to share it all with.Gradually that beast of obsession and fetish has backed down. My perspective has become much more balanced and folks, it is good! I am finding that I have mostly stopped focusing on the fetish aspects of the clothes and begin understanding what it is that I feel when I am in them, why that feeds me, and simply enjoying that feeling.I am finally beginning to feel at ease in my skin, AND in my head and heart. I no longer ache and feel sad when I see a beautiful woman...I don't know who this entry will speak to. I don't want to come off in any way preachy. This has simply been miraculous for me and I wanted to share it. The transition has been so complex and I have a hard time putting it into words. I hope that if you feel any of what I have described in yourself, that you will take the time and find the courage to change your life so you can truly give your girlie side space and honor. I wish this sense of true peace and internal 'rightness' for every one. :)
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6/5/2009 7:35:35 AM: Please hit me...  I am an adult...  I know what I want...  I am not bad...  I am not good...    Please hit me...  It's understood...  This is how you are...  You are not bad...  You are not good...    Please hit me...  It's just how We are...  We dance on the edge...  We are not bad...  We are not good...    We are awake to our desires...  And our desires feed us...

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4/26/2009 6:53:08 AM: 
The Day After...

I lived my life in quiet desperation, breathing, loving, denying
myself for the sake of others, and totally asleep. I was comfortably
away from the edge, little aware of it...or that some would choose to
go to that edge and even dance on it.

Then you found me...you woke me up and showed me your world.  And you took me to the edge.

In slow steps, you loved me, coaxed me, and held my hand…and when we reached the edge, you pushed...and I flew.

Last night was primal. I was bound and gagged, and you used your
most intense implement. I screamed and fought...it was not pretty, but
it was beautiful.

And after, you held me while I flew, my body coming to terms with its new marks...your marks, your love for me.And today, I am raw, open, and totally awake...living and loving you at the edge of life that most will never see.

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3/6/2009 3:05:10 AM: My Lady gave me my first taste of the cane this past weekend, and then again last night.  Stingy and burny and leaves lovely marks.  :)  This morning the ground is covered with snow, dark and quiet, but all is bright in my world!